No Regrets
Useless. That's what I've been called my entire life. "Oh, him. He's just that useless country that's only good at giving up." It's been going on for years. I'm known as the country that always surrenders, no matter what the circumstance. I have amazing art and culture, and my food is great, but I've always lacked in my military strength just a little bit. People say that I'm better at mass-producing white flags than preparing an army. They say that I'm just that bad. Even my friends have called me useless. Even my own fratello calls me useless.
I'm actually tired of it. I'm not really as weak and pathetic as I look. I just act that way because I don't want my friends to leave me behind. That's something I'm afraid of: being alone. At the same time, I want everyone to be happy. If they really wanted to leave, I don't think I'd push them too much to stay. And one day I thought that maybe if I acted all silly and happy, more people would stay. That a bright atmosphere would make everyone else happy. But…I don't think it worked. Even my friends are yelling at me now, calling me worthless, good-for-nothing, pathetic. Calling me trash.
I…I think that even Doitsu is starting to agree with them. The other day, I made him some pasta for lunch after training. Some really good pasta. And, after lunch, he muttered "Well, at least he's good for something…." That hurt so much. I don't even think I could describe how much it hurt. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal. And the worst part was that I couldn't act like anything was wrong. I couldn't cry, I couldn't ask Doitsu why he felt like that. I couldn't do anything. And why couldn't I? Because Doitsu hadn't meant for me to hear it. He doesn't want me to know how he really feels about me. So, ever since then I've been forced to smile through my pain and act like nothing was wrong. Like I was just a happy little Italian that couldn't do anything for himself.
Are they right? Am I really only good for making pasta and surrendering? I could fight if I wanted to, but I just don't want anyone to die or get hurt because of me. I don't care if they're my enemies or my friends…..I just don't want to be the cause of someone's death. A long time ago…..Grandpa Rome died. I was devastated, but I began feeling better after I became friends with Holy Rome. We…we fell in love…and then he had to go to war. I promised that I'd wait for him, no matter what. We were just kids then, probably around six or seven in human years. I promised him that I'd be right there waiting for him when he got back. And that I'd have lots of sweets for both of us. Then…next thing I know…..big brother France is telling me that Holy Rome died in combat. That destroyed me. I loved him, and I wanted him to come back. I didn't even believe it at the time….and I still don't entirely believe it now. Because of all that…I promised myself that I'd never kill. I didn't want to take people away from their families and friends. I didn't want anyone's blood on my hands. If I had the choice….for either me to die or for someone else to die…..I would always choose me. But…..did I make the wrong choice in vowing to never kill?
Well…maybe I should break that promise. It's become something of a way of life for me, though I guess I could go against it, if it would make my friends happy. Then they won't think I'm a useless coward anymore!...Right? Well, I guess it doesn't really matter. I already know who I could get rid of to make the others happy.
I went up to my room and opened one of the drawers. Inside was a gun, a really nice semi-automatic pistol that Doitsu got me as a gift a while ago. I studied it for a moment, running my hand on the smooth metal. After a moment, I checked to see if it was loaded. To my luck, it was.
That was step one. Now I just had to complete step two.
I went over to the desk in my room and pulled out a pen and a piece of paper. I let out a small laugh when I say the date on the calendar. March 17, 2012. My birthday….How ironic.
I thought long and hard about what I should put. After a while, the words began to flow easier. I found myself crying at the words I was writing. These are my emotions. Wow…..I never knew they were like this. It's so different than the happy persona I put on, the one that has come to me so naturally that I feel like that's my real personality, and all these bad feelings and insecurities I feel are the persona. Though, I guess I know now that this is the real me, not the happy ditz I pretend to be. I shook my head. I need to focus on writing. I can put all this in the letter if I want, but I shouldn't stop and think about it for too long.
I continued to write, the words coming faster and faster.
††††††††††††††††††††THE GOOD LEFT UNDONE; RISE AGAINST††††††††††††††††††††
I looked over the letter one last time, making sure that it was right. Yep, everything was on there. I walked back over to my bed and sat down, looking down at the gun in my hands. I thought for a moment, staring it. Could I really do this? Or was I as much of a cowardly pasta-eater as everyone said I was? I really didn't want to do this. I would rather do anything. Give up all my pasta, never see Doitsu or Japan or my fratello again. I would even rather eat sucky English food than do this! But…..
But I have something to do. I'm doing this to show everyone that I'm not a coward. I don't want to prove them right. Italia is a strong nation, and both me and my fratello have managed to win a few battles. Also, both of us have the mafia. We're both vigorously involved in the mafia on our territory, and we're both completely different people when we're with them. Actually, some of the other countries have seen me and my fratello when we're with the mafia. America, Mexico, Russia, China, Japan, and a bunch of other countries too. And they call us cowards! Well, Mexico doesn't, but all the others do! They know what we're capable of, and yet they know that we're unwilling to drop our cowardly personas and fight back!
I'm more than tired of it. I'll show them how strong I can be. I'll show the world that Italia Veneziano isn't pathetic and weak.
"I'm not weak," I murmured. I was really crying now. Tears of rage, tears of sadness, tears of desperation. Wait, desperation? What am I desperate for? Salvation? Hope? A reason to not go through with this?
No….No. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to—
"Italy? Are you here? Happy Birthday!" someone yelled from inside the house. No…..that's Doitsu. Why is he here?
"Ita-chan! Happy Birthday! Come on, come out and say hi to your favorite person in the—Ow! West, why did you hit the awesome me?"
"Shut up dummkopf! Italy! Can you come out here?"
It was both Doitsu and Prussia. Why would they come? Maybe Doitsu's hungry, I should go down and make him some pasta…..
My hand was on the doorknob when I came to my senses. What am I doing? I can't stop my plans just because Doitsu's here! But…..Doitsu…..it might make him sad if….
No. No no no. I have to do this.
I locked the door to my room. I was originally going to do this somewhere else, but….I guess I have no choice now but to do it here.
I stood in the center of my room, facing a mirror. Reflected back at me was a young man with red-brown hair with a little curl off to the side and golden eyes crying. He couldn't stop, and that worried me. Why am I crying? This is for the best, anyway. Though, the most shocking thing was the pain and sorrow in the eyes of the person. It scared me a little. Am….Am I really that damaged? I guess so, if I'm about to do this.
Slowly….Slowly I brought the gun to my temple. Happy birthday to me.
"Goodbye Doitsu!" I said. "You were my best friend, ve. And…..And I'm sorry that this couldn't have ended differently. I know that you often got mad at me, and that I annoyed you a bit sometimes, but…..you were still the most important person to me that was still alive, besides my fratello. I wish we could have eaten pasta together one last time, ve. I'm going to miss you….probably more than you'll miss me.
"Goodbye fratello! I guess now you'll represent all of Italy now that I'm going to be gone. I'm really sorry that I'm leaving you with that burden. Maybe you could ask Doitsu to help you! I know that you hate him….but he's a really good guy. And you are too fratello! I'm sorry that I never got to tell you that. I actually do look up to you, ve. I don't know if you'll believe me or not…..but I do. I'll miss you a lot too."
"Italy? Can you hear me!" Doitsu yelled.
"And…..goodbye Holy Rome. If you ever come back, I'm sorry that I won't be there for you. I'm so sorry. And…..I never stopped hoping that you would come back, ve. I know that France, and even Prussia, said that you were dead, but I never stopped believing that you'd keep your promise. Maybe you could ask Doitsu to make you the sweets I promised. And I'll really miss you, maybe more than I have for the past few centuries. Goodbye Holy Rome!"
"Ita-chan!" Prussia shouted.
I was beyond crying now; I was sobbing. Part of me still refused to go through with this. Part of me wanted to live. I want to live. I want to find love, maybe a pretty girl, maybe Doitsu, maybe Holy Rome if he ever comes back. But…..I guess I'm a long way from that now. There's no turning back. I'm done.
"Italy!"
"Goodbye Doitsu, viva~"
I pulled the trigger.
There was an abrupt searing pain in my head. I heard distant screaming, then realized it was me. The pain was crippling…..I couldn't take it. It felt like someone was drilling a hole through my head. I fell to my knees on the ground, then I just lay on the floor, bleeding through my head. I could see a lot of blood and some gray stuff on the floor that I couldn't really identify.
The pain was starting to go away, replaced by a dim numbness that was turning everything black.
"ITALY! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" That was Doitsu, I guess. Was it? I couldn't really remember…
The door was forced open, and I heard loud yelling.
"ITA—" There was a choking noise that I guess came from Doitsu. I felt someone pick me up, and I tried to speak.
"Don't worry Italy, we'll get you help right now, don't worry, you'll be fine!" He was crying; I could hear it in his voice. I managed the strength to say just one thing.
"It was scary…..but….b-but….."
"Italy, don't talk like that! You're not going to die!"
"It was fun…D-Doit….su….." I took one last breath…then everything went black.
"ITALY!"
I fell into a void.
††††††††††††††††††††MAD WORLD; GARY JULES††††††††††††††††††††
"Italy! Are you there? Happy Birthday!" Germany called. He had decided to pay the happy Italian a visit and take him out to lunch at his favorite restaurant, since it was his birthday today.
And, unfortunately, Prussia had insisted that he tag along, saying that he wanted to check up on his "Ita-chan".
"Ita-chan! Happy Birthday! Come on, come out and say hi to your favorite person in the—Ow!" Germany smacked him in the head. "West, why did you hit the awesome me?"
"Shut up bruder. We're here to take Italy out to lunch for his birthday, not listen to you go on and on about how 'awesome' you are."
"You just want to spend as much time with Ita-chan as you can~" the older nation—well, ex-nation—teased.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Germany demanded. What was his dummkopf of a brother implying now?
"Kesesese~ You know what I mean West!" Before the stoic German nation could explode, Prussia brought up a valid point.
"Is Ita-chan even here?"
"I asked his bruder if he'd seen him lately," Germany responded, only half-concentrating on what he was saying. "All I got in response was, and I quote, 'Stay the crappola away from my idiota fratello potato bastard!'. I swear, I don't know what I did for him to hate me so much."
"Roma needs to lighten up," Prussia said, smiling evilly.
"Bruder, you better not do anything to him," Germany warned.
"Mein Gott no!" Prussia yelled. "Mexico would kill me!"
"Bruder, if you could survive being dissolved as a nation you could survive a girl with a dagger who wants to murder Spain," Germany said, brushing off his brother's fear. "Now, let's focus on finding Italy, shall we?"
"Damn West, next time you decide to become a stalker boyfriend just leave me at home," Prussia complained. Germany was about to unleash hell on his brother, but instead decided to put his efforts into finding Italy.
"Italy! Can you hear me?" Germany yelled.
"Ita-chan!"
Maybe he's not here, Germany thought.
"Italy!"
About three seconds after that, a gunshot rang through the house, followed by a piercing scream full of agony. Germany and Prussia looked at each other at the same time, with the same thought going through their heads.
"ITALY!" Germany yelled. He ran up to the Italian's bedroom, ignoring Prussia's cries of "Wait up West!"
Germany reached his room and tried to open the door. It was locked.
"ITALY OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" he yelled, pounding on the wood as hard as he could. There was no response from the other side of the door. Germany made a split-second decision and kicked the door down.
"ITA—" Germany's voice died and he made a weak choking noise in the back of his throat. In front of him was Italy, lying on the floor with a pool of blood and gray stuff around his head and a gun in his hand. The same gun that he himself had given the Italian as a gift a long time ago. Germany thought he knew what that gray matter was, but he hoped with all his heart that he was wrong. Italy's eyes were open and looking at him. He couldn't stand the sorrow and guilt that he saw in those eyes. And, more than anything else, there was agonizing pain in them. It made something in him die a little bit inside just to see it.
"Italy!" Germany ran over to the Italian and picked him up in his arms. He felt tears running down his face, but he didn't care. He just didn't want to lose him.
"Don't worry Italy, we'll get you help right now, don't worry, you'll be fine!" he insisted, but he felt like he was trying to convince himself rather than Italy. The once-happy Italian opened his mouth and said something in a very weak voice.
"It was scary…..but….b-but….."
"Italy, don't talk like that! You're not going to die!" he yelled at him. Of course, he didn't even believe it himself. Italy's eyes were hazy, and he wouldn't be surprised if he couldn't completely see him right now.
"…..It was fun…D-Doit….su….." Italy took one more breath…but no other followed. The light in the Italian's eyes, the light that was there no matter what and always gave Germany a sort of hope when it was visible…suddenly went out. The body in his arms went limp.
"ITALY!" Germany yelled, close to sobbing. "ITALY STOP IT! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THIS! YOU CAN'T BE DEAD! YOU CAN'T BE! WAKE UP!"
"WEST!" Prussia ran in. "Was zum Teufel? I could hear you from all the way—" Prussia then noticed that his brother was crying and that he was holding a dead body in his arms. Italy's dead body.
"Mein Gott…" Prussia said, completely understanding the situation. Italy…Italy had shot himself.
"West?" Prussia carefully walked over to Germany, wanting to see if he was okay. "Hey, are you—"
"Nein, I'm not," Germany said, still crying. "That seems like a stupid question at this point, bruder."
"Ita-chan…..why?" Germany understood what Prussia was trying to say and shook his head.
"I don't know…..I just wish he would have told me." Germany began crying harder. "Why would he keep it all to himself? He said himself that we were friends. Why wouldn't he go to his friends for this!"
"West…" Prussia looked at his normally stoic brother. He had never seen him break down like this. He always kept his cool, under every situation. But this time…this time Germany seemed on the edge of an emotional breakdown.
"Italy….." Germany turned his attention once again to the dead Italian he was cradling in his arms. He noticed that his eyes were still open, flat and staring fixedly at the ceiling. He closed them, Prussia looking over his shoulder.
"I just don't get why he'd kill himself…" Prussia trailed off, his eyes landing on a sheet of paper on the desk in the corner. What was that?
Germany just couldn't get over the fact that Italy was dead. The happy young man who had always said "Ve ve ve Doooiiiittsuuuuu!" all the time and always had a smile on his face had killed himself. And what really killed Germany was that he wasn't there. He wasn't there to help him, he wasn't there to grab the gun and yell at him to stop and think about what he was doing. He wasn't there to comfort him when he cried after. He wasn't there. He wasn't there and now it was all his fault that Italy was dead. And why did it hurt so much? Italy could be annoying sometimes, so why did he feel this complete and utter emptiness at seeing him dead?
Even he knew the answer to that. He really cared about Italy. Despite it all, he cared deeply for him. He had even….grown to love him. Though Italy might not have known that. After all, he had proposed during WWII…then again, Italy hadn't exactly understood what was happening. And the German hadn't pressed too hard on the matter afterwards. But…..
But the feelings he had had for him hadn't faded over all these years. If anything, they had only increased.
"West?" Germany looked at Prussia, who was now reading the paper. After a few moments, the albino ex-nation adopted an absolutely stunned expression. And Germany could have sworn that his eyes were wet. What's on that sheet of paper?
"Ja, what is it?"
"You should probably read this…."
"Bruder, I don't see why—"
"It's Italy's suicide note."
"WHAT!" Germany immediately grabbed the note and began to read it.
"To whoever finds this letter….and actually cares….
If you're reading this, I am dead. I shot myself in the head with the gun Doitsu got me as a gift a while ago.
If you're wondering why I killed myself, it's because I couldn't stand being a burden to everyone I care about. Everyone had just regarded me as a happy-go-lucky pasta eater who couldn't read the atmosphere and always surrendered. Well, I could read the atmosphere. And I know now that putting on that façade of innocence and happiness was a mistake. All I did was weigh you guys down. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a burden, I'm sorry for annoying you, and I'm sorry for any inconveniences I will cause with my death.
And….if anyone really misses me…I'm sorry. And…Doitsu…..I….
I really loved you Doitsu. I don't know if you ever knew, or ever returned those feelings, but I did. And, I'm really sorry about this. I hope that you can forgive me. Do me a favor and please…don't blame yourself for when you find out that I'm dead. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. And I hope that one day…if we're ever reborn….I hope that we can be friends again! But…..until then….goodbye…And I'm so sorry.
Anyway, I hope that none of you guys will be mad at me for this. I just needed to prove that I'm not weak like everyone says. And...this is my final goodbye.
So, goodbye Doitsu, Romano, Japan, Holy Rome, Prussia, Austria, Hungary, Spain, and everyone else! I'll miss you!
Love, Italy Veneziano (Feliciano Vargas)"
That letter had just killed him. Tears were running down his cheeks in streams. He had no idea that Italy had felt that way. And he had no idea that….that Italy had loved him back. If it wasn't for the circumstances, he would have smiled. But right now smiling was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Italy…" Germany whispered, holding his body tighter. The tears just wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop them, and he didn't know if he wanted to stop them. All he wanted was his Italy back.
"Bruder….." Prussia put a hand on Germany's shoulder. "I'm going to go call the others. I'm going to leave you here with Italy, okay?"
Germany nodded, thankful that his brother would give him a few moments alone with Italy. Prussia slipped out the door.
Germany looked down at Italy, tears blurring his vision slightly. He tried to think of what to say.
"Italy, I know that it's a little late but…..ich liebe dich. And, goodbye my friend. If we're ever reborn, I hope…..I hope that we could be together as well."
Just then, a scene played out in Germany's head.
I was standing alone, about to leave for war, when…..
"Hello Holy Rome, how are you?" A happy-looking brunette burst through a bush, wearing a green servant's dress.
"Wait, hold on!" I shouted. The brunette stopped a few feet away, looking at me.
"You run when I chase you, yet you chase after me when I run!" I said. "Why do you do that? It doesn't make sense!"
"Um, I don't know…." The brunette responded.
"Please listen Italy," I began. I had wanted to make a quick getaway, but now I can't. "There is something very important that I've been meaning to say to you." A feeling of absolute sadness and guilt washed over me in waves.
Behind me, hundreds of soldiers filed out of a gate. They were all ready and dressed for war.
"I'm sorry about everything," I stated. "I'm leaving though, so you don't have to be afraid anymore!" I refused to look up, refused to meet the eyes that were surely looking at me sadly.
"Wait." Italy said. "What are you saying?"
"I have to go away now," I said, still not looking at Italy.
Two soldiers stopped and went to me. "Holy Rome, are you ready?" one of them asked.
"Si," I said to the soldier. Then I turned to Italy, looking her dead in the eye. "Well, see you around. Take good care of yourself."
With that, I turned around and began walking away with the soldiers, leaving a devastated-looking Italy behind me.
"Are you really leaving?" she asked. I could have sworn that I heard her say 'I don't want you to go Holy Rome!'
"Oh no don't go!" she shouted, probably waving her arms around madly. I resisted the urge to turn around. "Please! What will I do without you! Don't leave me! No!" I heard her burst into tears at the end of this, and I wasn't able to take it anymore.
I stopped and looked back at the young Italian, shocked.
"Here," Italy said, crying while holding out her push broom. "Take this with you. Maybe…..it'll help you think of me. And then…and then you won't forget about me."
I felt even more shocked than before. "Oh, a push broom, but why would that remind me of you—ah!" Memories of Italy working away with the push broom entered my mind. All those times…..
"Italy…" I walked up and took the push broom. "Si, Grazi! I would be honored to have your push broom!"
I heard the soldiers whispering behind us.
"Ah, why a push broom?"
"Who knows."
I ignored them and continued to talk to Italy.
"I...I feel like I should give you something too. What do...What do people do at your home if they like someone?" I asked.
Italy looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Um…..kiss, I think." Kiss?
"Kiss? I see…." I leaned towards her, and she leaned towards me. "I've liked you for a really long time…..since at least the 10th century!"
Finally, our lips met in a kiss. I savored the moment, and knew that I would never forget it.
After what seemed like a century, Italy pulled away. "Oh, really?" she asked.
"Yes really. I wouldn't lie to you," I said, meaning every word. I loved her so much. I don't even think I could really explain to her.
"Yay! That's happy!" she shouted, smiling. I smiled back.
"Well, I'm off. Be careful. When this war finally ends, I'll promise I will come and see you again!" With that, I walked away, a smile and blush plastered on my face. I held the push broom firmly in my hands.
"Okay then!" I heard Italy yell behind me. "I'll miss you! I'll be waiting! I'll make lots of treats for you when you get back! Don't get sick! Try not to get injured or die violently either! I know we'll see each other again! I know we will! I know it!"
I turned back one last time and waved. "No matter how much time may pass, you'll always be my favorite in the whole world!" I shouted back, my last words to her before I left. I know that I'll see her again.
The scene ended, the last thing he saw being Holy Rome waving to Italy, and Germany found himself back in the room holding Italy's dead body.
"Was that…..my childhood?" he asked aloud. Deep down, he knew the answer. That was his childhood. He was once Holy Roman Empire.
He had gotten a second chance with Italy as Germany…..and he blew it.
"Verdamnt!" he yelled, fresh tears filling his eyes. He had another chance already! What the h-ll had he done? He had let Italy down again!
More memories began flooding his mind…..along with the fierce love for Italy that he had felt as Holy Rome. Now, he thinks it's funny that he first thought Italy was a girl. But girl or boy, he doesn't care. He still loves Italy.
Who had killed himself because he wasn't there.
"I'm sorry Italy, I'm so so sorry," Germany whispered, holding Italy's body tightly. "Ich liebe dich…..I hope you know that."
"West." Prussia's voice shocked him out of his grief for a brief second. Said ex-nation was standing in the doorway. "The others will be here soon."
"Prussia….." he looked up. "Did…..did you know about my childhood?"
Prussia stiffened. "What do you mean?"
"Did you know…..that I was Holy Roman Empire?" The air thickened.
"Who told you that?" he asked sharply, a fierce glint in his eyes.
"No one…..I just…..remembered…" Prussia's eyes softened.
"Oh…."
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"It was for the best West!" Prussia insisted. "I never meant to hurt you. We just, thought that it would be easier for you and Italy to think that Holy Rome was dead."
"Bruder."
"Okay, France had already told him when I found you. And you didn't remember anything, so it would hurt you and Italy less if neither of you knew…"
"Okay," Germany said, looking away with tears in his eyes.
"No matter how much time may pass, you'll always be my favorite in the whole world!"
He had never spoken truer words in his life.
"Ich liebe dich Italia…..Auf wiedersehen."
††††††††††††††††††††††THE GHOST OF YOU; MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE†††††††††††††††††††††
A certain Italian looked down at the scene below him, tears running down his face.
"Ti amo troppo Doitsu," he said. "Mi dispiace."
"It's okay Italy!" A man who bore a resemblance to Italy came up behind him and clapped him on the back. "You might still get a chance one day! And besides, it's your birthday! We should celebrate!"
"Si nonno Roma, so che," I said.
"Then cheer up!" he said.
"Si…" Italy looked down one last time, letting all the tears overflow. He always knew that Germany might be Holy Rome, and he had always hoped that Germany had loved him. Now, he knew that he did, but he couldn't do anything about it. He was gone. All he could do was wait…and hope.
"Ti amo Doitsu; finché non ci incontreremo di nuovo. Addio! "
Doitsu-Germany
Mein Gott- my God
Dummkopf- idiot
Was zum teufel- What the h-ll
Ich liebe dich-I love you
Verdamnt- D-mmit
Auf wiedersehen- Goodbye
Fratello-brother
Viva- life/live
Idiota fratello- idiot brother
Grazi- Thank you
Ti amo troppo- I love you too
Mi dispiace- I'm sorry
Si nonno Roma, so che- Yes grandpa Rome, I know that.
Ti amo Doitsu; finché non ci incontreremo di nuovo. Addio!- I love you Germany. Until we meet again. Goodbye!