Kay, well, I saw Strawberry Panic! And fuck, yes I like yaoi AND yuri - sue me.
So anyway, I was super unhappy with the ending. I mean like wtf, that was quite rude of Shizuma to ruin their moment :O
So I was "inspired" and sort of felt obligated to write my own "what if". And I needed to get this Tamao- depressive stage out of me. :( Um, there isn't much to say. I fully support Tamao/Nagisa, because let's face it, they're just totally awesome. I have nothing against Shizuma, I just don't like her with Nagisa... Um, this is my first story for Strawberry Panic!, so sorry if the characters aren't totally "in character" mah bad! Also this is following after the ceremony and stuff.
I'm planning on making this a two-shot story because I still need to work on my other stories -_-...
Disclaimer, I don't own this anime or anything besides the plot of the story.
Enjoy :D
x.X.x
Tamao
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"Congratulations, Nagisa-chan."
.
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You're not sure exactly how you got here – well you know the route and the way to get to your room – but you're not sure how your feet managed to drag you there. Your mind is a clouded bubble with only one thing swimming in it.
And you hate yourself for thinking of that person.
You can feel your face heat up in embarrassment, as you close the door behind you, thinking about the events that occurred earlier in the day. They're still fresh and new. It still stings, painfully, as you remember the way her I love you rang through the chapel. As if she even had a right to say that. To ruin your moment. To take her away from-
You sigh, and untie the bow in your hair. It's been a long day, and you want to forget about it. You really do, but you know you'll never forget what happened. As you drop the bow on your bed something else falls along with it; a red ribbon. The red ribbon. Your chest constricts slightly, and suddenly you're finding it difficult to breathe. It's horrible; it's so horrible, because you know you'll never ever again see this ribbon in her hair. You'll never see it tied around her wrist; you'll never see it anywhere near her.
Your fingers brush against the ribbon softly, hoping to feel one last attachment towards her. Maybe, just maybe you can still smell her scent on it, you think. So you bring it gently towards your face, but roughly push it away. It's stupid to do this, you feel.
It's over. It really is over. It's pretty sad how you're making it seem as if you broke up with her, when in reality there was never really anything between you two.
There isn't a moment in your life you hate yourself more, than now.
You want to throw yourself into your bed, mope, and drown out your sorrows, but there's something holding you back. And by god, does the self-loathing feeling only grow.
You hear footsteps close to your dormitory door. They slowly come to a hesitant stop outside, and you just know it's her. You can bet on your little notebook of the subject in matter.
Through the dark, you can make out the turning of the door handle and then the pause. She knows you're in here. Why wouldn't you be in the room waiting up for her to come? It's what you're good at – waiting for her. Angered by this thought, you jump up from your seat and walk towards the door. You want to yank it open and yell at her. You're furious with her – how she humiliated you in front of all of your friends, how she blatantly rejected you in front of all of those people in the chapel. How could she do that to you? You're her best friend. But that was it, that's all it ever was.
You're close to pulling the door open, your hand is even on the doorknob, but something makes you stop. You hear her sigh heavily on the other side, and you feel the door creak slightly in strain. She's leaning on the other side, you think.
You're still a little angry, but you're thinking is quite not irrational yet, so you settle to leaning against your side of the door. You wait for her to speak, but you realize that she's not going to be speaking soon. Suddenly it occurs to you that maybe she's too embarrassed to even show her face to you. The anger immediately washes away and you're consumed with worry and this urge to comfort her. It's pathetic really, how easily you'd go out on a limb to do anything for her.
You let out a soft sigh, before speaking.
"Welcome back, Nagisa-chan." You're surprised at how composed your voice sounds. Maybe it's because you've got a big wooden barrier between the two of you. She doesn't say anything at first. It's quiet on her side; you can't even hear her nervous fidgeting.
"Tamao-chan – " Her voice sounds strained, and you know what she's going to say next. You can feel it in your bones; you have this sudden chill, despite the heavy uniform you're wearing. You even feel the doorknob turn, but your hand clamps it in place.
"Don't." You cut in harshly, surprising yourself again with your voice.
She's quiet, and you feel guilty.
You sigh again, another pitiful sigh, before speaking. "Please, I need a moment, I'm…" You trail off, trying to come up with an excuse. "I'm not decent."
It's pretty stupid, considering that you're fully dressed in your uniform, and there's no way you could be able to dress that fast into it. But it doesn't occur to you then.
After a moment has passed, you let go of the doorknob and step away from the door. It opens only a few seconds after you've let it go.
"Tamao-chan." She's behind you and you know she didn't believe your lie. Her voice is clear and high, now that she's in the same room as you. You suddenly wish the door was between you again because you don't think you can keep your expression in check.
So you keep your back faced to her. You don't want her to see you. And you don't really want to see her either. See her pale skin flushed with a light blush, or her russet hair tousled and tangled from her day with – you're not sure you can even manage to mention the name of that girl in your thoughts.
"I'm sorry." She says quietly. You can hear the slight ounce of hope in her voice. Hope that you'll turn around and forgive her. And that's exactly what you do – well almost.
You do turn around though, and she looks exactly how you pictured her. Flushed skin, tousled hair. You can't help but think that she looks so beautiful, more beautiful than before the ceremony because she just looks so happy.
You want to be happy that you see her so happy, but you can't muster the joy. All you feel is a little resentment, towards Nagisa and her, and especially towards yourself. This is what you get when you let people walk all over you; heartbreak. And there's nobody to blame but yourself.
You don't realize that she's waiting for you to respond. But you can feel her deep ruby eyes are on you, they're questioning and confused.
"Tamao-chan, please forgive me. I know I shouldn't have left you – "
"It's fine." You say softly, and you can hear her fidgeting behind you, like she wants to say something – like she wants to counter you, but she doesn't. Your hands clench awkwardly at your sides and you're not sure what to do with them. You smooth them out finally and clutch at your dress. "No, what I mean, it's quite alright really Nagisa-chan. I'm glad that you're happy; that's all that counts."
"Tamao – "
"Congratulations." You find yourself repeating that line out loud in front of her. And you can't help but feel as if it came out flat. But you don't care.
For once in your life, you don't care. For once you're actually worried about yourself. How every second of her looking at you is breaking you apart inside. You didn't want to have this confrontation because you know deep down it will be some kind of closure between you two. And you don't think you're ready for it. Not yet.
You're not sure you ever will be.
.
.
You think after a few days, a few weeks at the most, you'll feel a little better. But you don't. In fact you feel a little worse being around Nagisa. You said to yourself a dozen times that you want her to be happy. And a happy Nagisa only happens when she's with –
"Shizuma-sama!" Nagisa blurts out, when she opens the door. She looks beautiful in all of her silver haired glory. You can't help but want to shoot her a glare or a pout at the very least. But you keep your expression in check, because you're very good at it now. Concealing your emotions.
It makes you sick to your stomach how Nagisa practically glows whenever the older girl is around. You hate it. You hate them. No. You don't hate your Nagisa-chan. Oh but you want to so much. It would make things so much easier, you think. Hating Nagisa would help you move on. You should hate her.
But you love her too much.
The older girl looks over Nagisa's head in your direction. Her narrow eyes stare at you questioningly, as if she could read your thoughts. And you turn away with a small grunt.
You hate her. Sometimes you feel guilty for thinking this way for a well respected student. But you can't find it in yourself to forgive her, regardless if she makes Nagisa happy.
She better make her happy, you think.
You pretend to read your book, like you were before this bitch barged through your door.
"So are you ready?" She asks Nagisa, and you wish you heard impatience in her voice.
"Oh yeah!" She exclaims like a little excited puppy. Of course she'd be excited to spend her day with lovely Shizuma. Who wouldn't be excited – besides you?
Unexpectedly, Nagisa turns over her shoulder to send you a sad smile. "Will Tamao-chan be okay while I'm gone?"
You didn't anticipate being addressed, not while Ms. I'm-so-great-with-my-sparkly-silver-hair was in the vicinity. You babble for a minute, your eyes wide and shocked.
"Um yeah." You finally manage to utter. Her ruby eyes gaze at you with a mixture of sadness and disappointment. And you're completely confused for a moment. Why did she look so sad?
"Okay, well… I'll only be gone for a few hours." She sighs out, before turning and walking out with Shizuma.
You find yourself staring at the door for the longest. And then it hits you, you're mask isn't doing a very good job and your Nagisa-chan is starting to become observant. It couldn't have come at a worse time.
.
.
Nagisa is lying on her bed, you know she isn't asleep. She just came home from a date with Shizuma. She seemed pretty upset when she walked in. You would have questioned her about it, but you don't want to go into it. You're pretending to be asleep, because quite honestly you can't handle hearing Nagisa talk about her.
But she doesn't know that about you. Of course she doesn't, because Nagisa has no clue of your undying love for her.
You can hear her rolling in her sheets and the occasional huffing noises she makes. You're laying flat on your back, so you sneak a peek at her. She's glaring at the ceiling, with a deep pout on her lips.
You should have just ignored her and turned around continuing your charade of being asleep, but you're Tamao freaking Suzumi the girl who'd walk on fire for Nagisa. So it's only expected that you'd go out and help her.
"Nagisa-chan." You call out towards her, sitting up. Her head immediately flashes in your direction. "Is something the matter?"
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" She apologizes quickly.
"No, I wasn't asleep." You feel like smacking yourself after you say that. Cover blown. Her eyebrows pull together in confusion as she notices the shift in your expression. You bow your head hastily, turning away from your gaze. "Anyway, if there's something upsetting you, Nagisa-chan, you can tell me."
You look back at her, she's chewing her lip.
"It's nothing." She answers shortly, before sighing. "Actually…" she gets up at this point, walks over to your bed and stands over you, giving you a pleading look.
.
Nagisa is staring at you; half of her face is covered by your sheets. Again, you're not exactly sure how you got into a particular situation. One second Nagisa was staring at you from her bed and the next she's in yours.
You really should've said no. But then she had to give you that puppy dog expression that had your heart racing.
You make sure that there's a decent gap between the two of you, at least five inches. She notices, and gives you a puzzled stare, she even tries to move closer to you but you cough uncomfortably, stopping her.
"So, what's wrong?" You urge on, subtly moving closer to the wall. You immediately catch the initial frustration flash through her eyes.
"It's – well – something I found out today." She admits, looking away from your face, giving you enough time to breathe properly. It's been so long since you've been this close to her. If the light was on, you're pretty sure you can count the freckles on her cheeks. "Shizuma and I had an argument."
At the mention of the older girl's name, you find yourself frowning. You can't help it; it's just your first reaction. Nagisa – much to your disdain – catches it. You quickly shift your frown into an indifferent expression, waiting for her to continue.
But she's still staring at you weirdly.
"About what?" You probe, waking her from her thoughts.
"Hm?"
"What did you two argue about?" You probe. You gaze at her suspiciously. She flushes, and you think it's because you've caught her being ditzy.
Her expression sobers up as she grows serious by the second. "Shizuma wants to study abroad." She pauses, and you see a flash of pain flicker through her ruby eyes. "It's not that I don't want her to, it's a great opportunity, but – but I wish she would have told me this earlier so I would have been more… prepared."
You don't realize that you're body is as stiff as a board as you listen intently to what Nagisa is saying.
"I feel like I'm going to lose her. What will I have then, Tamao-chan?"
Me, you'll have me, you think earnestly.
You don't voice out your thoughts though. You're glad because you don't think you can take causing more pain towards Nagisa by thrusting your feelings in her face.
She closes the gap between you and cries on your shoulder.
That's probably when it truly hits you that you don't stand a chance anymore.
It's then that you really begin to make an effort to avoid her.
.
.
A month goes by, a month of you dipping and dodging away from Nagisa. It's harder than you thought it would be. You hate this distance you're putting between yourself and Nagisa but you can't do anything else. You can't be around her without moping, being a downer and letting a depressing sigh slip out. That's it, that's exactly how you feel. You're depressed. And it shows. It shows like a transparent window.
The year is almost over, you think, you only have to deal with this torture only for a little while longer.
You try to distract yourself, so you've been spending a lot of time hanging around Yaya. She's fun, and you almost – for a tiny moment – forget about Nagisa and the tension between the two of you. It's so easy to lose yourself with her. Sometimes Tsubomi joins you two, and their constant bickering is one of the best distractions for you.
But at the end of the day, you're still miserable.
It's hard to imagine Yaya in a situation similar to yours – having unrequited feelings for your best friend. She's so strong and carefree, and to put it simply, really doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. So how can she not get the girl she wants?
"How do you do it?" You ask one day. You're both sitting out on a bench, overlooking random students from all three schools roaming about.
"Do what?" She questions, staring at you with a raised brow. Her brown eyes dart between yours, studying you, and you look away uncomfortably.
"Pretend like nothing's wrong." You clarify, taking the time to fidget with your fingers. You still feel her deep eyes on you and for a second you wish you never brought the subject up. "Pretend like you're not about to break any second."
She stays quiet. You sneak a peek at her to find her eyes closed, a small serene smile gracing her lips.
"How do you do it, Tamao?"
.
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It was only a matter of time before it happened; Nagisa confronting you. And when it happened, oh boy did you really hate yourself.
You're sitting at your desk, with a pencil and your notebook open, it's a new one. You've buried your other notebook away, a long time ago. Nagisa is there with you, she's just gotten home from being with Shizuma.
You're slightly surprised that she doesn't have that usual star struck expression plastered across her face today. Ever since that night she confided in you, she's made an effort to make the best of her remaining time with Shizuma.
It's odd, but you don't question it, your content with pretending to write. Pretending to study, pretending to not care.
She slowly walks over to her bed and sits down. You can feel her eyes on you, so you put your book down and attempt to get into bed before she tries to talk to you.
"Tamao-chan," she starts softly, it makes you freeze in your tracks. You hate how easily your body responds to her voice. You hate it. "Tamao-chan, can we… talk?"
You hesitate, before sinking into your bed, staring at her from across the room.
"Sure, Nagisa-chan." You say brightly – or at least try to say brightly. She gives you a confused expression. As if she knew it was fake.
Her ruby eyes look away briefly before meeting your gaze. She chews on her bottom lip nervously and you want to make her stop. You don't want her to cut herself. "Tamao-chan, I know I haven't been a very good friend to you. You're my best friend. And best friends are supposed to be there for each other."
You're suddenly very nervous.
"But I can't help feeling that you're… avoiding me." She confesses, and she gives you this heart wrenching stare. You feel like bursting out into tears, but you restrain yourself. "Did I do something wrong? Please tell me, Tamao-chan. I don't want to lose you-"
"You didn't do anything wrong." You try to reassure her. But you can feel the lie on your tongue. "I'm not going anywhere."
She bows her head, her russet colored hair covering her eyes. When she looks back up at you, she's crying. And you have no idea what to do. You're torn between running out of the room, and pulling her into a hug.
"I-I talked to Shizuma earlier- " You feel your lips fall into a deep frown. "- And she told me things I didn't even know were possible."
"What do you mean?" You're mouth is dry. And your chest is constricting in the same way as the night of the ceremony. It's getting harder to breathe again. You're lungs feel like they're getting run over by a truck.
You know what she's going to say. You have no idea how, but you know exactly what she's going to ask you.
"Tamao-chan, d-do you love me?"
For a moment you think you're in some kind of sick teenaged movie. But it's only a short winded hope. Because now she's staring at you disbelievingly.
Somehow you find your voice in the mess of your thoughts.
"Of course I love you; you're my best friend silly." You manage to spit out quickly, causing Nagisa to flinch. She recovers and shakes her head roughly, sitting up from the bed. She walks over to you slowly and every step closer she takes only makes the urge to run stronger.
"I mean, are you in love me?"
And suddenly the fear and suffocating feeling ebbs away. You realize that you're angry. Very angry. How dare she even question you? You've taken so long to try to bury these feelings and she just has the decency to bring them up again. She never noticed your feelings before and she thinks she has the right to notice them now, after picking her over you?
Your eyes narrow and you know you're glaring at her.
"I can't believe you actually have the nerve to ask me that." You're saying it in a quivering whisper.
"Tamao-chan –"
"You're incredible, you know that." You're close to tears by this point, and you know that she can see you breaking down. You've had it. You can't take it anymore, hiding from her.
"I didn't mean to-"
"No of course you didn't." You sneer.
"Tamao-chan…"
You shake your head and turn away roughly. Away from her pitiful stare, because she sees right through you now. She knows, oh god, she knows that you're in love with her. And the only reason you've been acting like a stick in the mud is because she's not yours.
"Don't want to talk about it." You say through clenched teeth. You don't speak to her after that. Instead you bury yourself in your covers and pretend there's a big wooden barrier between the two of you.
That night you're the one crying yourself to sleep, except there's no shoulder to lean on.
.
The next morning you wake up before Nagisa. And just seeing her there sleeping immediately washes away any pent up anger you were feeling towards her. At the end of the day, you still love this girl to death. And despite your internal battles, you'll do anything for her.
You're a slave to her, and you know it.
You get ready. By the time you're out of the shower and dressed, she's barely getting up. Her hair's a mess and she has a light flush over her cheeks from waking up. You think she looks adorable, and you wish you could voice your thoughts. But you don't.
When her eyes fall on you, she frowns. And you frown too.
"Tamao-chan." It's all she needs to say. It's all she needs to say to have you doubling over and begging for her forgiveness.
"I'm sorry about last night Nagisa-chan." You mutter out, before walking towards the door. Your hand reaches for the handle and you're about to open it, but you hesitate.
"Tamao –"
"I just," You pause and turn to look at her over your shoulder. She gives you an expression that reminds you of a stray cat. "I just need a little time."
.
.
You pour tea in Yaya's cup, watching her expression carefully. You're both in her room. You've taken to spending the night in her room lately, seeing as you can't be around Nagisa for the time being.
"So you confessed?" She spoke after taking a sip of tea. She hisses, briefly complaining that it's too hot, before looking at you. Her brown eyes are unusually soft and you can't help but admire them.
"No." You say quickly, but then wince. "I mean not directly."
"What is that even supposed to mean?" She snaps, giving you a condescending look. You're admiring soon stops.
"She knows." You answer and immediately Yaya's expression softens again. She knows how you're feeling. She's the only person that actually gets you. And you're so glad that you have her as a friend.
"That's good then." She finally says shortly. "You've thrust all of her options into her scatterbrained head."
"She doesn't have any other options." You answer dejectedly, ignoring her insult. "She loves Shizuma. I never stood a chance."
Her teacup slams down hard on the table, tea spills over the rim. You're still shocked over the sudden clanking of the china.
"When are you going to get it through your head that you did stand a chance – I mean you still do!" She practically yells at you. And you're scared. I mean she didn't have to yell at you like a crazy maniac. Her voice lowers once she notices your frightened expression. "Tamao, you are good enough. You're a great person, anyone would be lucky to have you. You don't need Nagisa to tell you that."
She's staring at you with her intense brown eyes and you don't know what to think. That was probably all you ever needed to hear.
But, you love her.
And Yaya knows that, she understands you. Understands that you just can't let her go, after all, she can't let go of Hikari.
.
.
Again you're in another situation, in which you have no clue how you got yourself into. Everyone's in Yaya's room. Well with the exception of Shizuma, Miyuki, Amane, and Hikari – although Hikari said she was going to drop by, seeing as it was her room as well.
Yaya claimed this was just going to be a lovely tea party. And since you make the best tea, you had to come. But you have this gut feeling that she has something else planned.
You sneakily walk down the halls of Spica, careful not to bang your tea set around in your bag. You decided to bring your own, because quite frankly Yaya's practically combusted under her care. Once you reach her door, you knock the secret code you two have come up with. You don't know why you do it; maybe it's just out of habit.
The door creaks open slightly, and to your surprise – and slight annoyance – Nagisa opens the door. Her ruby eyes widen, and her cheeks flush a light pink.
"Oh! Tamao-chan!" She exclaims loudly. You hear Yaya hiss an angry shut up in her direction from the background.
You greet her politely and walk inside. You don't go out of your way to talk to Nagisa and she notices it. You know she does.
You soon realize that you're the last guest to arrive, besides Hikari. Everyone is sitting around an empty table Yaya has procured. So you pull out your tea set and get to work on it.
.
The whole while you're preparing the tea you can feel Nagisa's eyes on you. You don't know how to feel really. It should make you upset and annoyed at her invasiveness, but for some odd reason you feel pleased. And you hate yourself for feeling that way because it will never happen. Whatever you want with Nagisa; it will never happen.
Once you're finished, you pour everyone a cup, leaving yourself last. You can't help but glance at Nagisa out of habit and she's still staring at you. That same unreadable expression plastered across her face.
The words come rushing out of your mouth before you can stop them.
"Where's Shizuma-sama?" You ask.
Nagisa's expression falters, and you see pain flash through her eyes. She's still looking at you, but you sense guilt radiating off of the redhead.
"She – uh – she's busy with things." She says and you know that it's a lie. With the way that she's looking at you, you know that the reason the bitch isn't here has something to do with you.
She knows that you're in love with Nagisa, you think. Well of course she would, Nagisa, herself, knows.
You're confused now. What would Shizuma need to worry about? Nagisa is clearly in love with her. You're not a wedge in their relationship. In fact you've been staying pretty clear away from Nagisa.
You don't have enough time to ponder these thoughts because Yaya slams her cup in a dramatic way on the table, catching everyone's attention.
"I'm bored." She announces.
Tsubomi, sitting next to her, rolls her eyes in a way that's just as a dramatic as Yaya's cup slamming.
"Idiot, this is your sleep over." She murmurs. Yaya immediately rounds on the pinkette.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing!"
"Anyway, I'm bored." Yaya continues, looking at you. "Let's play truth or dare."
You want to complain how cliché that is for all of you to play that game. You really don't think this is a good idea; really, you just want to finish your tea and go to sleep. But you keep quiet. You don't have the effort to argue, and Yaya scares you.
"Okay, who's first?"
.
You're going in a circle.
It's going to be your turn next and you're dreading it because this game is stupid and you don't want to make a fool out of yourself. Before, you'd actually be pretty excited about this stupid game, but now you're just different.
You hate attention. Especially after that disastrous Etoile election ceremony.
Finally you feel all of their eyes on you; the ones that stand out are Nagisa's (of course) and Yaya's. You're nervous because Yaya can be quite mean sometimes, especially in front of all of your friends.
"So truth or dare, Tamao?" She asks you sweetly. And it makes you frown.
"I don't really want to play so – "
"Truth or dare!" She slams her teacup down, as if she were a judge. And you face palm.
"Truth then."
"Okay, have you ever… " She trails off, tapping her chin thoughtfully and you're waiting until you can get this over with. Nagisa's amused eyes are on you and it's only making you more nervous. It's only then that you realize at some point she got up from her seat to sit next to you. When did that happen? " Had a wild sex fantasy of anyone in this room?"
Without thinking your eyes flash towards the person next to you, and you feel like an idiot for implying the answer.
"T-that – What kind of question is that!" You demand, feeling your face grow hot.
"One that you have to answer!" Yaya snaps, wearing a large smirk.
"Dare! I choose dare then!" You stammer out, trying to ignore the giggling among the girls.
"You can't do that-" Tsubomi starts but Yaya clamps a hand over her mouth. And suddenly you regret what you said. You could have lied to them for god sakes.
"Fine, I dare you to kiss Nagisa."
You think you might have fainted at that moment. But then you realize that you're still in a room with everyone staring at you. You haven't fainted or blacked out at all. Your gaze shifts to one person in particular. Nagisa is staring at you expectantly, a small blush forming on her pale cheeks. And you don't know what to do. You're frozen on the spot, gaping at her with an open mouth.
She can't really expect for you to follow through with this stupid game, can she? She has a girlfriend. And you're in love with her. There has to be some kind of boundary!
With a crimson face, you glare at Yaya with as much frustration as you can muster.
"That's not funny." You mumble, still shaken. You're angry. And it's irrational, because it's just a game and you shouldn't take things so seriously. But it's just gotten personal. How could Yaya have the decency to put you in a situation like this? Out of all the people in here, you think that she's the one that should understand you the most. So then why is she doing this?
"I can't believe you!" You snap, rising from your seat. "Do you all expect me to just go out and kiss Nagisa-chan as if – as if it were okay?"
"Tamao, we're just kidding around – " Yaya stammers, but you turn away.
"Enjoy your game." You say, before reaching out and picking up your bag. You tea set will just have to wait to be picked up tomorrow.
"Oh come on Tamao!"
"Tamao-chan!"
You're out the door in less than a second. You hate it when you're mad, because you really don't think reasonably. It's late at night, and you could get in to trouble for being out when it's curfew. But it doesn't matter to you now. You're angry.
That's all you've ever been lately; angry. This thought only makes you even more upset.
"Tamao-chan!"
Great now you're hearing Nagisa in your thoughts. As if that couldn't have been the cherry on top for you.
You only quicken your pace, hoping to distract yourself, maybe you're just going crazy.
It isn't until you feel a hand around your wrist that you realize you weren't imagining Nagisa calling you. You spin around and face her. She's bent over, panting heavily, one hand on her knee and the other still holding your wrist tightly.
"Nagisa-chan, what are you – "
"You- you can't just run off like that!" She scolds you. You look down embarrassed. "Do you want to get in trouble?"
"I'm sorry." You apologize. And you are sorry, for making a complete idiot out of yourself.
She shakes her head, straightening up. "Don't. It's my fault, I shouldn't have let her egg you on," She pauses, and looks down. She looks like she's blushing, but it could be trick of the moonlight. "I just didn't know that the thought of kissing me was so repulsive to you."
You feel your face heat up at the topic she brought up. Her hand is still clamped around your wrist.
"It's not – it's not like that. I mean…" You trail off awkwardly. "I just don't want to hope for the impossible."
Her head snaps up to meet your gaze. Her ruby eyes dart between yours as if she's trying to look for something in your own eyes.
"Tamao-chan, what do you mean the impossible?" She questions seriously, tugging at you wrist, pulling you closer.
If it was possible, you face boiled like an egg.
"The thought of me and you." You say slowly, averting your eyes. "The thought that maybe you might … love me."
You don't look at her, but then you don't have to because the next thing you know she's kissing you. Hard and desperate. You'd never think that Nagisa could be the dominating one, but at this moment she totally owns you.
Her lips move against yours, exploring, making your heart beat out of your chest. You shiver involuntarily, when you feel her hand release your wrist, and trail their way around your body, pulling you against her. Her teeth lightly graze against your lips making you whimper in a pathetic way. You hate yourself for it, but you love this. Her mouth tastes just like the last time you kissed her… when she was asleep. That sweet citrusy taste overflows your mouth as she breaks apart your lips. And what do you do? You're completely helpless. If she was not holding you, you're pretty sure you'd collapse.
You're drowning in her. You don't even care if you make it out alive.
.
But soon you resurface back into reality.
.
"It was a mistake; I'm sorry Tamao-chan." She tells you the next morning. And saying your heart shattered into a million pieces is an understatement. The pieces got trampled, then run over, and burned – and reincarnated so the process could start all over again.
And yet you can't disagree with her. You knew at some point all that kissing last night was too good to be true. The feel of her hands tangled in your hair. Her lips at your neck. The soft whispered Tamao-chan's in your ear. It was all too good to be true.
It's expected.
It's was expected for you to walk to your dormitory alone, and for her to go running back into Shizuma's arms.
It was all expected. This is what you get when you let people walk all over you; heartbreak. And there's nobody to blame but yourself.
Yet, for some sick, twisted reason, you can't help but think it was all worth it, regardless if you want to hate her.
You just love her too much.
.
.
.
That's all I got for this chapter :/
Tell me what you think, yeah? Should I even bother to continue x)
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