Author's Note: Short little angsty piece that could at some point become a full-fledged Snickers multi-chaptered fic.
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Yet. It may have been as simple as that. As simple as a three letter word. Yet. Usually inane and innocuous, that syllable and the moment of time it took to utter it could be the reason it was all over.
Had she known, even then as they prepared to go to bed in that hotel room? Had she realized that the dream she had been fortunate enough to wake into was fleeting at best? Is that why, when he talked about wanting time to say goodbye to those he loved, that she had chosen to say she wasn't ready to say goodbye…yet?
Yet. Had some part of her mind recognized that she wasn't in this for the long haul? Had she already been aware on some level that she had changed into someone who no longer needed what she had wanted, chased, cried, fought, and nearly died for?
The rational part of her brain chided her and brought forth the torrent of memories that made up a strong case for why it was all over. Situations, words, and actions that alone may have seemed petty but when placed in context presented only one conclusion. She was right the first time she had uttered the words—some people just aren't meant to be together.
She never entertained the thought that they weren't going to be together until they no longer were. She had been the pursuer, she had been the aggressor, the risk taker, the one to challenge him and scare him into the relationship in the first place.
Failure had never been an option. She knew from the moment she met him that it was just a matter of time before she would be the woman in his life. Granted, she never thought about the copious amount of time that it would take to convince him of that fact, but that was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
She wasn't always patient when it came to the waiting, either. She sometimes did stupid things like the near DUI thing when it got to be too much, but she never once doubted that her patience would yield results.
As she sat staring at the television without seeing, she wondered how much of her relationship with him had been about winning him. He had become a prize for her, a validation of her entire personality. When they got together it was as if she had received a message from God himself—Sara, you're okay just the way you are. And here's the proof.
When had it started? When had this change she now felt so strongly come about? Was it the explosion? When Grissom had turned her down flat? Maybe it's when she realized Greg was flirting with her because he wanted to, not because he flirted with everything with a pulse, and she found herself thinking of him only as her student? That moment had been followed by a flash of insight: maybe that's how Grissom feels safest seeing me.
Maybe it started when she found out about Grissom's hearing. Learning that he had lumped her in with everyone else except Catherine…and wasn't that telling?
Perhaps it had occurred when she first saw Nick trapped underground, and she wondered if the team would be half as anxious to help if it were her, instead of him?
Regardless of her inability to pinpoint its inception the bottom line was that she had changed. But she was damned if she knew what she was going to do about it.
The only thing she knew was that she was no longer anything other than Gil Grissom's colleague. And if she quit her job she wouldn't even be that.
So what was she supposed to do now? Now that she was no longer part of something she had worked so long and hard to achieve? Could she possibly go back to work? Part of her brain reasoned that she had worked at the lab, without him as her paramour, for longer than she had with him as her lover. Logically it stood to reason that she could once again work with him.
But what did logic have to do with feelings, sensations, memories? What did logic have to do with steeling herself against the barrage of everything that assailed her every time she saw him?
Logic didn't factor into this in any way…except for the part where they both relied on logic to assure themselves that breaking up really was for the best.
Suddenly Sara had to swallow a sob. It was too much…she needed a drink. She shook her head at that thought. It might numb the pain for a while but in the end she would have to face what she now decided was the first decision she needed to make in the wake of their break up.
Should she quit her job?
She didn't need a drink…she needed a friend. With shaking fingers she picked up the phone and hit speed dial #2.
"Hello?"
Tears hit her with a force she hadn't planned for when she heard his voice and it caused her to choke. She barely managed the one syllable she needed to say.
"Nick."
She didn't know how the sound of her voice broke his heart, how the fact that she was crying caused him to tear up for her, or that he was on his way out the door with his phone still attached to his ear.
All she knew was that he was there, and that he held her while she cried through the night and well into the next morning.
All she knew was that he convinced her to come back to work—she didn't know that if she had turned in her resignation, his would have been shortcoming.
All she knew was that he was her constant partner at work—she didn't know he had talked to Grissom and had specifically requested that they be assigned every case possible together.
All she knew was that she slept better after a night out with him—she didn't know that those were the nights he barely slept, kept awake by thoughts of her.
All she knew was that after a while she could imagine herself happy again.
She didn't know that he imagined that too, with himself by her side to ensure it.
fin