It is September 20, 2016. It has been over 3 months since the conclusion of the Reach Invasion, and since I ended up here. You see I didn't die like everyone thinks; I got placed on a different plane of existence and it's way worse. I'm still here, alive, and I can see and hear everything and even be apart of the normal plane, at least from my perspective. The thing that makes this worse than death is that no one else can hear or see me. They don't even know I exist.
For the last 3 months I have had to watch my friends, my parents and the girl I love grieve over a death that never happened, my death. How do I know I'm not actually dead you may ask, call it a feeling, or intuition; I don't feel dead. Besides, I'm an optimist; I can't believe that death is this, alone and miserable. I'm also a believer of science and the whole ordeal that got me here wasn't common or natural. You see to everyone else it was as if I blinked out of existence but to me it was like a passed a barrier I wasn't supposes to. What happened to me involved factors of science that I have concluded could have affected the different planes of being; super speed and crashing a Magnetic Field Disruptors is dimensional travel just waiting to happen.
The questions I ask myself everyday are 'why couldn't I have been zapped to different dimension? Why did I have to stay here? Why do I have to live a life of watching the people I know suffer?' Sometimes I even ask, 'why couldn't I have just died that day?' I know how it all sounds but hear me out, you haven't had to bare witness to what I have in the last three months.
Have you ever asked yourself what life would be like if you died, how people would react, well I'm here to tell you it is way worse than you could ever imagine. You see the issue isn't seeing the people you love moving on, if that was the case I'm sure this would all be so much easier. No it's what happens behind closed doors.
Seeing your loved ones grieve and change and suffer because of you while you are unable to do anything to make it better is the worst feeling in the world. Everyday you see them in pain, it feels like something is poking away at your soul and everyday all you can hope for is that 'today will be better, today will be the day they start moving forward. For me though that day hasn't come yet for the most part. It's been three months and still I see their pain.
The everyday people in your life they manage to move forward, I mean they still grieve but it doesn't stop them from becoming who they are meant to be. For me those people would primarily be the members of The Team and The League. They were in pain but for the most part I'd like to think that me 'dying' helped them grow. A lot of them took this 'life is short' approach and in my eyes they became even greater people and heroes. Seeing that growth and the changes for the better gave me a sort of pride but it didn't help with the way that the 'inner people' reacted, you know parents, mentor, best girl and best friend.
Let's start with my parents. That day their son saved the world but in the process it meant that they lost their one and only child. Yeah they are proud but that defiantly doesn't make it easier for them. I'm just grateful they've stayed together, that they have each other to make everyday a bit easier even though they will probably always be left a little less full. But still, sometimes there are these moments where they just sit in absolute silence and then my mom just starts crying. There's always some comment about how quite it is or how empty things feel or something along those lines and the reason is always because I'm gone. I know it makes no sense considering I moved out years ago but I guess they get a free pass. When they shed those tears it was because their little boy was taking a step in becoming a man, these tears though are because their little boy is gone forever. I think the only nice thing is seeing the pride my dad has when remembering the person, the hero, I was when I was alive, even if it is just a mask to hide the pain. I'd like to believe that they understand the reasons I did what I did but most of all I'd like to believe that they are proud of me and of the man I was setting out to become.
Then there's my uncle Barry, the Flash. It took him months to even be in the same room as my parents after he confronted them about what happened to me. Even now, he still can't truly face them; he can't look them in the eye or even really be alone with them. He blames himself for what happened and I feel like he thinks my parents do too; he shouldn't and I know my parents don't. Yeah me gaining my powers was highly influenced by my uncle but me becoming a hero, me coming out of retirement and me helping close the chrysalis of the Magnetic Field Disrupter at the North Pole, those were all my choice. All Barry is guilty of is inspiring me and he shouldn't be ashamed of that; he's my hero and I was honored to be his sidekick even if it means I no longer exist, I was proud to be the nephew of the Flash.
Right now Barry, and most of my family, is in this awkward place of being grateful for the future but still hurt and focused on the past, which really suck because they all have an amazing future just around the corner. You see my aunt Iris is over seven months pregnant with twins, she looks like she's ready to pop, and I mean that in the most respectful way of course. Everyone is excited but at the same time their arrival is a bit bitter sweet. They will be Barry and Iris's first kids, Bart's parents, my parents first niece and nephew, and they were going to be my little cousins. But now we'll never be able to truly meet. I'll be able to see them grow up but I won't be apart of it all, the joy, the love, everything. All these amazing, and emotional, things are going to happen with my family and all I will ever be able to do is peak in.
As for Artemis, every time I see her, spend the day watching over her, it brings about something different. We were in a really good place when the year started, truly happy and in love, and when the invasion ended we were supposed to go back to that. Instead, now it's like there's this huge wall between us and I know that no matter what I do I'll never be able to break through it. It makes sense though, it's not like we exist on the same plane anymore, and besides she thinks I'm dead, not that it was all that easy for her to accept that. The beginning was terrible, sometimes there were tears, others times there was absolute darkness, there were days of complete solitary, and sometimes she just laid there, numb. I couldn't do anything but wish, prey, that she wasn't alone anymore, that she would just be okay again. Artemis has always been strong and a survivor, she was born to do amazing things. She's a lot better now; she's fighting to save people, as Tigress, and started to go to school again and interacting with everyone more frequently. Artemis is 'finding a new way,' at least that is how she puts it; not entirely sure what that actually entails but it's working and I'm glad. I know she's still hurt but I believe that it's getting easier and one day I'll just be apart of her past and that'll be okay as long as she's happy and living life, I'll be happy too. But still, I would give anything to be able to just hold her one more time.
Oddly enough the worst is seeing Dick, Nightwing, my best friend. The two of us had instantly clicked when Batman and Flash finally introduced us to each other and we've been friends ever since. We were having some issues and disagreements for the last few months during the Reach invasion, but that was because of the secrets and planning and blind faith. After the Team's big win against the Reach and the Light though we were getting back to normal. Now I'm here and he, well I don't know what he is. At the beginning he was obviously angry and sad. He took leave from the team and barely spoke to anyone, just the occasional "I'm still alive" text to the odd person maybe. Even Nightwing had a bit of a standstill, only major threats, with no day-to-day hero work; it was completely out of character for him, which made it that much harder to watch. No one really knew how to help themselves, forget about being able to be there for him but after about a month and a half people finally stopped giving him so much space. The Batfamily, Batman, Robin, Batgirl and their butler, along with our original team, Artemis, Miss M, Supey and Aqualad, plus the addition of R.A and Zatanna, all stepped in. It took some time but they finally have broken through to him and by the two-month mark he was back to normal, or so I thought. He rejoined the team, was back to full time hero work and even took co-leader status with Kaldar from time to time. He seemed like his good old self but then one day I realized, he's hallow. Yeah Nightwing had his serious side, it was probably the only side he showed over the year, but underneath it all he was still Dick Grayson, the original Robin. Now he's just, he's not the guy that humanized the Batman and laughed like a dork during missions and overthought the structure of words. He's not the guy I knew as my best friend and I'm afraid that he might be gone forever too.
It is September 20, 2016. It has been over 3 months since the conclusion of the Reach Invasion, and since I ended up on a parallel plane of existence. Everyone I know and ever loved has suffered because of me but are now trying to moving forward without me and as glad as I am to see them living their lives it still hurts to know I will never be apart of it again. All I am able to do is watch and listen and wish.
This is my life now, being so close yet so far away.