Dear god, I hate myself for taking this long on a simple oneshot! TWO WHOLE MONTHS! Or more.
This goes out to FMAlcheholic. You have the most amazing, cracktastic brain ever for coming up with these prompts. That is a good thing.
O.O.O.O.O
The clouds swirled in a marbling circle, making the illusion of a whirlpool dancing across the sky. Every few places you could see a small spot of starlight poking out, dotting the onyx sky with spots of yellow. Rising up from the ground was a small mist of smoke, coming from the illumination of a radiating fire.
Standing around where the fire was located-a metallic can lifted to approximately three feet of the ground-were Colonel Roy Mustang, Major Edward Elric, and official Tin Can, Alphonse Elric. The light reflected off of Al's armored suit, some landing on the charcoal bricks that were once pancakes.
"Woe is our pancake making skills," Ed said with a sigh, blowing the unruly hair out of his face.
"What a sorry batch we have been dealt by the fickle hand of fate," Roy continued with an even deeper sigh.
"Woe is me. I can't even eat your disgusting attempts at pancakes," Al remarked, attempting to sigh the deepest sigh himself, before realizing he was made of metal and rendering him even more depressed.
"Did you hear something?" Ed asked to Roy, bewildered.
"I don't think so. Maybe you're just going even more insane. I mean, you already can draw a perfect circle. Only the completely mad people can do that," Roy mused.
"Coming from the man that can sew a perfect circle," Ed scoffed. Roy huffed a little and went back to burning the food before noticing something.
"Wait, we don't have anything to hold our sweet, sugary, maple syrup in! What are we going to do! It's the apocalypse!" Roy screamed, attempting to pull out his hair. In reality, he really did pull it out, but do to the powers of plothole fairies it immediately grew back. The author also didn't want to get mobbed by Roy fangirls.
All of a sudden, the group heard yelling and looked up to see something large and heavy falling from the sky in a mess of red and blue. Wait, was that a spiderman costume? The Spiderman thing fell to the ground and immediately stood up, proclaiming what he had to say.
"DON'T YOU WORRY!" he said. "I HAVE A SOLUTION TO YOUR ANTAGONISTIC PROBLEM!"
The mask was ripped off aggressively to reveal a rather pale, bald head with one poof of hair and a moustache the size of a squirrel. Covering what was supposedly a mouth. The moustache flew up and down as he began to speak again.
"LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY! TO FIX YOUR PRECARIOUS ISSUE, YOU MUST SET OUT ON A QUEST TO RETRIEVE THE HOLY GRAIL! THIS WONDERFUL SPECTACLE TO BEHOLD WILL BE ABLE TO HOLD YOUR MAPLE SYRUP AND COMES WITH A 1-YEAR WARRANTY, TOO!" MAJOR ALE-excuse me, Major Alex Louis Armstrong boomed somewhat gracefully.
"Hey, I remember reading about that in the pamphlet from the Fuhrer! It said that the first officer to find the Holy Grail gets a free keychain! I WANT that keychain!" Roy said excitedly.
"Sure, let's do it!" Ed said.
"It also said in the pamphlet-thingy that it's located in Cullenland, home of the plothole fairies. That's why no one dares to venture there for fear of meeting one of them. Legend says that if you're touched by one, you get derailed into a person beyond the edges of your imagination," Roy remarked ominously, rather proud of himself for remembering that fact.
"NO WORRIES! WE WILL BE ABLE TO DEFEAT THOSE SCOUNDRELS! LET US NOW BE OFF!" Armstrong yelled again.
Everyone that was in the military left, forgetting Al in his emo corner (as they had during the conversation). It took about ten minutes until they remembered he was there. In reality, they had forgotten the pancakes and came back for those, but they pretended it was for Al.
After a great trek into the wilderness that may or may not have included wild bears, trolls, cheesecake, and a nap in Candyland, the trio (plus Al) came upon a rainbow stream. As it flowed, each color of the spectrum would swell up and marble with the others, creating a vision of colors that entranced all.
Right as Ed was reaching over the edge to stick his finger into the mixture, a foot long blob suddenly jumped out of the river to smack his hand away, the blob landing on the dirt.
After closer inspection, the blob was found to be a fish-a fish with each scale having a different shade of red or orange, making an illusion of a slowly changing rainbow. Never having heard of that kind of fish, Ed and Roy did the typical thing: chucked pancake rocks at it with all their might as Armstrong basked in his muscles. No one cared to notice what Al was doing.
They continued that until the fish sat up on its tailfin and started yelling profanity at them.
"You *quack* jerks! You just-"but he cut himself short with gasps for water, quickly rolling back into the stream. The fish promptly stuck his head back up to continue his rant. "Had to throw those *moo* pancakes at me, giving me a *oink* of a *neigh* headache!"
Everyone stared for a moment, both eyes and mouths agape (well, those who had these physical items did), but as quickly as it started, it was over. Roy reached into his back pocket of plotholes and pulled out a pair of mini handcuffs, strutting up to strap them onto the fish.
"By order of the Amestris State Military, you are now officially under arrest for potty mouthing a military official," Roy said with a smirk.
Then, the military people all looked at each other and nodded before tackling Al to the ground, ripping his chest plate off in the process.
Armstrong held him down while the others grabbed handfuls of water to pour into Al. After filling him up enough, they dropped the rainbow fish, which shall now be called Tom, into the suit.
As expected, Al was not pleased and refused to move for ten minutes. Armstrong ended up carrying him.
They began on another spectacular journey of epic proportions, perhaps having a frog prince, perhaps not. The world may never know.
Eventually, the group ran came upon a large clearing with a river, but there was a giant hole next to it. As expected, they peer over the edge to see a golden scaled dragon. It was about the size of a large house and probably heavier, but it was a girl dragon (they could just magically tell), so that is not something you would say to its face.
Being the numbskulls they are, everyone started yelling at the beast, causing it to awake from its slumber.
"Who dare attempt to cross thy stream of wonder?" the dragon said haughtily, crawling out of the hole.
"We do!" Ed replied, chipper. He strode forward enough for the dragon's white-hot breath made his hair prickle. "And what might your name be?"
"I am Hawkeye, ruler of all natural forests and French bread."
"Hey, I know someone with that name," Roy exclaimed happily. "She's my, err, Corporal or something."
"That's nice, you git. Now shut up and listen to my speech, or I will crush you like the little bug you are," she warned forebodingly.
"Now," she continued after a moment of silence. "If you wish to cross this bridge, I have 3 tests for one of you. Choose amongst yourselves who has the honor of doing them."
Roy pushed Ed forward, the younger one landing face-first in the mud before the dragon.
"Very well. Here is your first test."
She handed him a paper with this problem on it:
-(-6) ±√(-6)² - 4(2)(-9)
- = x
. . . .2(2)
"Dude! This is impossible! I dropped out of school at age nine or something! How am I supposed to do this *meow* if I can barely even tie my shoes!" Ed whined as he stomped his Velcro boot.
"Stop complaining and just solve the problem, it's already set up for you." Hawkeye commanded.
Ed eventually nodded and got to work.
O.O.O.O.O
Approximately 3 hours later, Ed jumped up, paper with scribbles slightly resembling numbers in his hand, and yelled out, "Finally! I'm done! The answer is forty-two!"
Hawkeye slowly arose from her nap and let out a huge, dragon yawn that was strong enough to fling Roy into the closest tree. "What was that, forty-two? Correct, and it took you long enough. The next test is dancing. Do the Caramelldansen. Now."
Ed turned, puzzled, to look at Roy, who shook his head blankly as he put Hello Kitty band aids on his wounds from the tree-flinging incident. Al also had no clue what it was, though Ed didn't ask him, anyway. Armstrong on the other hand…
"YOU DO NOT KNOW IT, YOUNG ELRIC? THAT DANCE HAS BEEN DANCED AT ALL THE REFINED ARMSTRONG FAMILY BALLS! IN FACT, WHEN I WAS SEVEN-"
"Please don't say. Just teach me the dumb dance," Ed stated, muffling his ears with his hands.
"BUT IT IS A GLORIOUS TALE-"
The Elric Death Glare © was sent Armstrong's way, immediately shutting him up and making him demonstrate.
"You're kidding me…I'm not doing that," Ed said, adamant on not making even more of a fool of himself.
"If you wish to not do this simple task, then you may not pass this stream into yonder," Hawkeye said, buffing her talons.
"What's a yonder?" Al asked.
"No one is listening to you," an echo-ey fish voice said from the inside of Al. That sounds wrong.
"Do it for the pancakes," Roy commanded, standing up dramatically.
"The pancakes…" Ed licked his lips as he reminisced on the charcoal blocks they had packed.
"I'll do it…for the pancakes…" he finally decided, standing tall as he did the dance.
The fangirls of our world now felt their squee-senses tingling.
"There, I did it," Ed said when he was finished. The great dragon kept on giggling.
He turned to Roy, who was hastily stuffing his digital video recorder back into his bag (he had received the camera from a man in a flying, blue police box). "This is so going on YouTube…" Roy mumbled.
On the other hand, Armstrong was clapping, completely sincere.
"BRAVO, BRAVO!" he cheered. "YOU HAVE DEMONSTRATED MARVELOUS CARAMELLDANSEN SKILLS WORHTY OF THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY!"
The amber dragon was laughing less now, so Ed dragged his feet up to her and said in a monotone voice, "What now?"
"Heh…say all of the multiples of seven all the way to one-hundred."
"Oh, I can do that. I learned that in remedial third grade," Ed prompted. "Here goes: 7, 14, 21, 28, 35, 42, 49, 56, 63, 70, 77, 84, 91, and 98."
"Good. Now get out of my sight, you vile, stupid creatures," Hawkeye said, retreating into a dragon-hole.
The trio ("Plus me!" Al yelled) continued on their way across the bridge and into yonder. Al still didn't know what 'yonder' meant. But right when they got to the other side, a group of fairies with bright, pink wings flew over, each about a foot long. The leader, someone resembling Edward Cullen in every way and form, yelled out something in fairy gibberish, pointing his finger at Armstrong.
The other fairies nodded, and flew off towards the target as fast as possible, as Armstrong started yelling.
"HELP ME! THESE DASTARDLY CREATURES ARE COMING AFTER ME! HELP!"
Everyone just blinked (well, everyone except Al blinked) and took a step back simultaneously.
By that time, the fairies had grabbed Armstrong and dragged him back to a nearby forest as fast as possible. He didn't come out.
The others just blinked again and continued on their way. To make this less dragged out; they stepped through a plothole and arrived in front of the gigantic Paperwork Mountain.
"It's huge…" Al whispered in amazement.
"I can't even see it, you *bark* jerks!" yelled Tom from inside Al. That still sounds wrong.
"Hey, this looks like my desk!" Roy said, going over to examine the papers. "Wait, this is my desk? How did this get here?"
The plothole fairies giggled.
Ed kicked Roy's shin (VERY hard) and pointed up to the top of the mountain.
Roy lifted his chin a little for a better view. "Is that…" he started. "It's the Holy Grail!"
"No dip, Sherlock! But how do we get it for our pancakes…if only we could burn the papers or something…"Ed wondered, brain gears not working from all the thinking he had to do today.
"If only…" Roy nodded in agreement.
"Well, actually, you could if-"Al was cut off when the others flew to face him, devious grins plastered on their mouths, sending each other a nod.
"What are you doing?" Al cried out as the others started dashing towards him with their arms stretched out.
Ed and Roy each grabbed 2 metal limbs of Al's on their respective sides, starting to rock the tin can back and forth. You could hear the water splashing as he started to gain momentum.
On the final swing, they threw him up, making Al fly over the mountain like a giant, demented, lopsided eagle.
At the arc of his flying exploit, Al's chest plate fell off, dropping all the water and Tom in a stream of curses (no pun intended).Tom fell straight into the Holy Grail, tail side out. The moment Tom touched it, though, the Holy Grail glowed gold and started to levitate. It floated a hundred feet above the heads of the two dimwitted military officials (Al had landed at this point).
"What the-"Roy started, but was stopped when the Holy Grail suddenly dropped, hitting the unsmart man on the head. Now he had even more brain damage. Joy of all joys.
"Yay!" Ed yelled whilst clapping, taking out the pancakes and syrup while he was at it. The most wonderfully gifted, prestigious alchemist had never thought of just pouring the syrup onto the pancakes.
As Al replaced his chest plate and started on his way around the mountain, Tom flew out of the cup and onto the ground, somehow digging a hole in an attempt to find groundwater. But as he did that, dirt flew all over Ed's hand and his excuse for food (along with Roy's face). That made Ed cry (for the food, of course).
"No!" he sobbed, flailing his arms and falling to his knees, thus causing the bricks/food to fly. "Why the pancakes? WHY! They were so young!" With that, Ed took off running, both tears and Al trailing behind him.
They forgot Roy.
Approximately five hours later, Roy awoke, head throbbing as if a truck had run over it.
"Ugh, this is a killer. What happened? Why does my head hurt? Why is there dirt on my face? Did I ever eat lunch?" he asked himself, rubbing his stomach at the end. But when he finally opened his eyes, he did not expect to see what he saw.
A giant, sparkly mess was standing in front of him, beaming the brightest smile. Under closer inspection, the sparkle-fest was revealed to be Major Alex Louis Armstrong, tragically mutated into a Cullenland fairy.
Roy scampered to his feet with a yelp and started running madly, Armstrong close behind.
"WAIT, YOUNG COLONEL! ALLOW ME THE HONOR OF GIVING YOU THE CULLEN POWERS!" Armstrong fairy cried out, reaching as far as he could.
"You'll never take me alive!" Roy yelled back, grabbing a frying pan out of the closest plothole and spinning on his heels.
Armstrong had no chance to slow down (inertia, children!) before Roy lifted his arm and jumped up high, hitting said fairy over the head with the pan of doom, thus knocking him unconscious.
Roy wiped his brow, about ready to sit down and relax- at least until Cullen (said with mouth dripping in distaste) came.
No words were exchanged, minus Roy's scream, before Cullen dashed over and grabbed both of Roy's forearms, his large, buff forearms-insert fangirl drool here. After a moment, Cullen let go, running away in a fit of giggles.
Roy stood still for a moment before dramatically raising his arm in dread. To his fear, his hand started to sparkle in the sun. There was another minute of a dramatic silence that would sound so amazing if there was a thesaurus nearby, and then Roy ran off, flailing and screaming like a little girl, "Mercy, mercy!"
He eventually came upon a tree house in the middle of nowhere, only showing Winry and Ed's heads through the window, all alone.
"Not there!" Winry screamed, head bobbing.
"How about here?" Ed purred menacingly.
"No! That's worse! No! Take it away, take it away…" she said with a moan at the end.
Roy's eyes widened to the size of saucers as he realized what must be happening. He forgot his own dilemma and dashed up the rope ladder as fast as possible.
"No, Ed! Don't-"Roy was cut off when he got up to the house and looked at them, innocently playing a game of monopoly, but Ed was clearly winning, as he had just bought the best properties. (You dirty minded people…)
After blinking a few times as questioning eyes stared at him, Roy remembered his own problem once again. "Please!" he begged. "Kill me! Kill me dead! I'm being turned into a-" Dun dun DUN! "-Fairy!" At the last word, sparkles began creeping up his neck.
"'Kay," Ed said calmly, reaching into his backpack for a Mac laptop that a mysterious man in a blue police box had given him earlier. He went online and found the most terribly OOC RoyEd fic you have ever seen.
Roy read it through and promptly dropped dead. He was reincarnated as a bumblebee a month later. The end.
EPILOGUE:
Olivier walked along the dirt path on the way to the Holy Grail, whistling a tune that sounded suspiciously like 'Poker Face'.
Suddenly, she stopped short when a giant mass of muscles and sparkles blocked her path.
"…Major?" she questioned. But her eyes widened in understanding as she realized what he had become.
"Are-are you a vampire? Like, OH MY GOSH! Where's Edward Cullen! He is my hero! I NEED to meet him! Edward! Mr. Cullen! Where are you! Want to become one?" she fangirled, running into the forest.
O.O.O.O.O
I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I FINISHED! Joy…!