Of Past Regret and Future Fear

She couldn't believe it when she first saw her walk into the pub, by the hand of some big manly man type of guy. Not that she had looked very closely at him, or that she would've cared to. It was the woman with the red curls and the short denim skirt that had caught her attention. That short skirt with those boots made her look beyond amazing. She watched her from the corner where she was sitting, saw how the couple walked up to a man in a suit sitting at a table, heard the heated discussion between them and the man and was happy to get another look as they marched back out.

It took her a moment to realize where she recognized her from, she might be a bit older but if she took her out of the skirt and imagined her in jeans and with a cowboy hat on her head she had no problem recognizing the girl she used to have such a big crush on. They were just kids back then, she thought back on how naïve she had been not even realizing what it was she was feeling. All she had known was that she wanted to be close to this girl, that she admired her and wanted to be wherever she was.

The admiration wasn't surprising; the girl was an amazing rider after all. She had a feisty personality and looks that made the boys fall all over her. It wasn't until later that she had realized that her feelings went beyond that. Because while she admired her riding skills and her confidence there was also something else, something that made her heart skip a beat when a single smile was directed at her and that made her knees go week from a friendly touch of her hand. Now, with a few more years of maturity behind her she still thought of the redhead as her first love. The one that had opened her eyes, the one that had captured her heart and…the one that had got away.

Not that I would have ever had a chance anyway, she thought to herself as she sat there alone in the pub. Unlike her friend she had never been the kind of person to capture people's attention, she was shy and awkward most of the time and as a result she usually ended up not saying much at all and not making much of an impression on anyone. Maybe it was because she'd always felt different even before she knew what that difference consisted in, not that there weren't enough reasons a part from the lesbianism. Or maybe she had just never had the kind of personality that drew people to you. It was fine most of the time, she'd had her friends and she'd made her little ventures into love too, but a lot of the time she just felt so very lonely. So very far from the real world where people met knew friends, and girlfriends, all the time. The world where people had fun, went to parties, shared important conversations with their friends and didn't spend most of their time alone dreaming of what could have been if things had gone differently years ago.

She felt how the depressive thoughts were pulling her down and she decided to go outside to get some fresh air and clear her mind a little before going to bed. That's when she saw her again, she would've thought she'd left by now but there she was standing by her ute looking less than happy. She doubted whether to go up to her or not, maybe she shouldn't bother her if something was wrong, maybe she wouldn't even recognize her and even if she did, what would she say. She was just starting to run over possible ways to initiate a conversation in her head when she heard her name called "Jen?" the redhead came walking up to her "wow, I haven't seen you in forever".

"Hey, Stevie" she smiled "yep, it's been a long time". Her heart had skipped a beat as soon as she realized the woman actually had recognized her and her smile still made her go weak at the knees, but now wasn't the time, she needed to keep her cool unless she wanted to make a fool of herself.

"So, what brings you to our parts then?" Stevie smiled back at her.

"I don't know really" she answered truthfully.

"You don't know?" Stevie looked puzzled.

"Actually I'm just doing some travelling around, trying to make a change in my life."

"Wow, that sounds intriguing, tell me more."

"Oh, there's not much to tell really." She didn't really know how to explain what was going on with her, she wasn't one to explain her whole life to anyone from one moment to another and much less to Stevie, someone who, she realized, she still cared very much about what she might think. "What about you? she turned the question "what have you been up to?"

"Oh, nothing much. I'm part owner of a farm out here and…" Stevie raised her hand to show off her ring "…I'm about to get married."

"Wow, congratulations" she couldn't help that the last part stung a little bit but she did her best not to think about it. After all what did she expect, this was the girl who'd had all the boys after her after all.

"What about you? Are you out here alone? No boy waiting for you somewhere?"Stevie asked curiously.

"No" she hesitated for a moment, the question just seemed so ridiculous on so many levels but of course Stevie couldn't know that "no, never really cared much about 'boys' actually."

"No?" Stevie looked confused for a moment "oh, sorry" the realization dawned on her "well, a girl then?".

"No, unfortunately there's no girl either" she couldn't help a little display of sadness on her face.

"Oh well, I'm sure there will be" Stevie gave her another one of those radiant smiles. "Hey, you know what, I'm kinda stuck out here at the moment. Ute broke down, you wanna have a beer with me while I wait for my fiancé to come pick me up?"

"Sure" she couldn't help the increased speed of her heart. She knew it was ridiculous but that old longing for alone time with the other girl had been revived, like some deeply buried instinct, the moment she'd heard her voice.

They walked back into the pub side by side and she couldn't help stealing another admiring glance as Stevie walked up to the bar to pick up their beers.

"So tell me more about what you've been up to" the redhead encouraged as she sat back down "and this life change you're looking for, what does that consist in exactly?"

"Oh, I wish I knew…I really do" the hint of sadness was back in her eyes. It wasn't really something she could explain; that feeling of emptiness, of frustration 'the pain of the past, the frustration of the present and the fear of the future' those were the words she'd used for it in one of those nights of hopeless loneliness. It did sound like a line out of a badly written movie and it wasn't something she was ready to put into words and explain to someone she hadn't seen in years. "It's…" she started "…I just…need a change I guess…another way to live my life…it's not really all that interesting" she let her gaze fall back onto the table as she played with the label on the bottle in front of her, not really knowing what to say next and not really wanting to know what her old friend thought of her lame explanation.

"Oh, believe me, I know the feeling" it was easy to detect the happiness in the other woman's voice. "Well, you know what I was like back then; all impulse and on the hunt for the next adventure".

"Yeah, I remember" the memory of some of those adventures brought the smile back to her face.

"Ha" her smile was reciprocated "…well, I made plenty of mistakes too, some really big ones, spent way too much time just running…running away from some things and always chasing after something else. It took a long time to find some kind of peace, a way to be comfortable in my own skin.

"And are you now?" she looked inquiringly at the woman sitting across from her. She was still as beautiful as ever, no doubt about that, but it was clear she had changed since she last saw her. There was another kind of depth in her expression and her smile was more genuine than ever. "You do look happy" she added.

"I am" the smile grew even wider "I've found a place to call home, Drover's is kind of magical in the way it draws you in, but it's just as much the people as the farm itself of course. And Alex…" her eyes shone with a dreamy expression "…believe me it took us long enough to figure things out, we wasted way too much time not understanding, not speaking, not knowing how to deal with what was right there. But now that we have it's…it's almost too good to be true" there was an expression of wonder in her smile now.

"Well, that's wonderful, I'm so happy for you" these kind of declarations of happiness always made her feel a little uncomfortable. It was an ambiguous feeling really; not that she wasn't glad that her friend was happy, of course she was, but somehow it was difficult to make it sound genuine when your own feelings seemed to be as far away from that kind of happiness as you could imagine.

"Hey, maybe you could come stay with us out on Drover's for a while" clearly the impulsiveness had not completely disappeared from her friend's personality "I can't offer more than work as a farm hand but it would be great to get a chance to catch up and I assure it really is a stabilizing environment."

"Wow, you have no idea how tempting that sounds" she looked over at the other woman; red curls framing her face, those impressive cheekbones she'd always had and the brown eyes smiling back at her; a million thoughts running through her mind.…no, tempted as she was, she knew that wasn't what was right for her. Just thinking of the possibility made her heart flutter. Meeting this woman who had colored her past and who in a way had shaped most of her life had brought back so many memories and it had brought back that dream of what could have been, that dream that had stayed with her all this time. But she wasn't fifteen anymore and coming face to face with her past in this very unexpected way had made her realize something else; if change was really what she was looking for she wouldn't find that in the past. She couldn't go back and change old choices, change had to happen in the future by making different choices, by not sitting around pining for something that in all reality was impossibility. Images of what it would be like living out at that farm, having the woman that had formed a part of her dreams for so many years in her immediate proximity, being able to see her smile, feel her touch; had been racing in her mind since the moment she heard the suggestion. But the rational part of her mind told her that the woman sitting in front of her wasn't the girl that had stayed in her dreams all those years, she'd probably never been that girl actually and continuing to live in that dream world would get her nowhere.

"Nah" she said with some regret still audible in her voice "I appreciate the offer but I don't think that's what I should be doing right now, I need to find my own Drover's".

"Well, if you're sure…" did she detect a little hint of regret in her friend's voice too? "…because we'd love to have you." Stevie smiled at her, would she ever truly get over that smile?

"Yeah, I'm sure, but thank you. It was really great to see you though" she stretched out her hand to take the redhead's hand in hers and allowed herself to drown in those chestnut eyes for a moment.

"You too" her friend stroked her hand lightly and in that moment a part of her wanted to give up on any thoughts of rationality and just stay there looking into those beautiful eyes forever. Right then however the door to the pub opened and the big guy from earlier came walking up to their table and with that the moment was broken. Stevie introduced her to her fiancé and they both stood up to say their goodbyes. She got a quick hug, a moment of feeling that warm body against hers, of feeling soft red curls brushing against her cheek and of having her nose tickled by a sweet scent. Then her old friend was walking out the door by the hand of a big manly man and she watched them leave with a wistful smile on her lips. It had been a strange night, one filled with a bit more emotions than she was used to, where she had once again said goodbye to the woman that she had once thought to be the love of her life. But surprisingly she felt really good about it all, better than she'd felt in a long time in fact.