"Greetings, Lord Drogo."
"Greetings to you, Rhaegar. How are the dragons coming along?" Drogo asks Rhaegar in his usual booming, deep voice.
"They are growing fast. I'd assume we can burn all that is north of the wall in due time for fun." Rhaegar answers with an evil smirk.
Lady Sansa sits patiently at the opposite end of the long table, eating fish that had been prepared for her previously. She eats as Drogo and Rhaegar flex their biceps and show off to each other. Minutes pass before she utters a word.
"Lady Shae is quite late." She complains. Drogo and Rhaegar nod their heads in agreement, Rhaegar crossing his arms and Drogo sitting down to drink his red wine. The three had been waiting for nearly thirty minutes for Lady Shae to arrive to discuss negotiations. Osha apparently could change her appearance at will, rendering her hair red or even purple. A danger to society, they had to catch her. The only way to do this was to seduce her with Lady Shae. They were aware of Lady Shae and Osha's old relationship so they assumed rekindling it would lead them straight to Osha.
Rhaegar is quite the impatient fellow. He starts to breath fire after another few minutes had passed, bored out of his mind. Drogo laughs in his deep voice at the burning curtains on the wall. Lady Sansa chuckles and shakes her head at their childishness. Finally, footsteps echo through the hall that lead to the room with the burning curtains and long table.
"I know I'm late, I'm so sorry!" Lady Shae pants. Rhaegar growls and rolls his eyes while Drogo gives her a deathly stare. Lady Sansa turns around in her chair, holding a tea cup to face Lady Shae. She steps in the room and closes the door behind her. "What is this meeting all about?" Lady Shae asks.
"We have to find Osha again. The shapeshifting bitch is a nuisance and a danger to Westeros." Drogo gets straight to the point.
"We hear she is part of two worlds." Sansa informs. Lady Shae's eyes widen.
"Th-that's not possible, there's no way-"
"Shut your mouth! You will follow our plan without delay or I burn your non-existent tits off, do you understand?" Under the glare of the burning curtains, Rhaegar looks intimidating.
Lady Shae, scared, asks waveringly, "Wh-what's the plan?"
"You must seduce Osha. Bring her here to us and we will dispose of her." Sansa says, then takes a sip of her tea.
"No! You can't kill Osha, I love her!"
"Then why are you fucking that Craster bastard?" Drogo asks with a roll of his eyes.
"Well, h-he's nice…" Lady Shae struggles to find the right words.
"You are married to him, not Osha. You do not belong with Osha. Find her, bring her here or we destroy Craster." Drogo threatens. Lady Shae hesitates, torn between her two lovers, but eventually agrees to the plan. She leaves, ready to seduce Osha.
The afternoon passes quickly and soon it is evening. Drogo and Rhaegar have already fallen asleep, but Lady Sansa keeps a lookout for Shae while eating her plump fish. Soon the sound of two sets of footsteps come again, and Osha steps in.
"Shae, what is this abou-ARHLAIUERALHERUIGAELHRIUGHN!" Rhaegar lights Osha on fire as soon as she steps in the room. Osha's form starts to fade, but not wanting to let her escape, they grab her and they feel a tingling sensation. The room around them shifts and suddenly they are in a large room with floating candles, four very, very long tables and many young children clothed in black robes with confused expressions on their faces.
"Tonks, what is the meaning of this?" An old woman exclaims. "Children, off to your common rooms!" The children obey her and begin filling out the door. The only people left in the room were Osha, Shae, Drogo, Rhaegar, Sansa, a young boy with spectacles and the old woman. She soon leaves to escort the children, seemingly leaving this young boy to deal with the situation at hand.
"What's happening?" The boy questions. Osha wriggles herself free and runs behind him. "Tonks, why do you look so different?"
"Nevermind that Potter, Avada Kedavra those asses!" Osha screams.
"Okay," The boy called Potter held up a stupid little stick and pointed it at Drogo Gaylannister. "Avada-"
"WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY IS EVERYONE GOING TO BED HOLY FUCK IS THAT you Shae?!" Walder Frey storms through the doors and stops dead when he sees Lady Shae.
"Father? What are you doing here?!" Shae exclaims.
Before any of them could utter a word, a pair of flying tits soared across the room, first smacking Shae in the face and then sticking themselves onto the Potter boy's chest.
"What in the name of fuck." Rhaegar mutters, confused. The Potter boy fondles them before once again pointing a stupid little stick at Drogo.
"Avada-" Potter is once again interrupted by someone bursting through the doors.
"HARRY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY TITS?" A young ginger girl with a bloody chest runs straight towards Potter. "STOP TAKING THEM, HARRY!" She fumes.
"But they're so bouncy." Harry says in awe.
Taking this argument as a chance, Sansa throws fish bones carved into spikes at Harry and the ginger girl. Upon contact they start melting.
"Oh god, what is this!" Harry screams in agony. The ginger girl wails in pain as well. Drogo finally finds his chance to show off. He picks up a convenient large sword on the floor and slices off both Harry and the ginger girl's heads. Drogo throws down the sword in victory and high-fives Rhaegar, who lights the corpses on fire. All that was left was Osha.
They turn around but Osha had disappeared. Walder Frey is standing in the doorway staring at the scene in front of him.
"Tell us how to get back, old man!" Rhaegar storms up and grabs Frey by the neck, shoving him against the door.
"Let go of my father!" Shae screams, wimpishly smacking Rhaegar's arm. He glares at her and then lights her chest on fire, causing her to scream. Drogo laughs then kicks her out the window. Osha returns, her hair suddenly turning purple.
"Thank god the bitch is gone." Osha says, relieved.
"You didn't like her?" Sansa asks, baffled.
"No, of course not. I just thought Walder Frey was rich so I eloped with her." Osha says. "I'll take you all back to Westeros. Just grab my arm." Without hesitation, They grab a hold of Osha's arm and suddenly feel the same odd sensation as before, unaware of the three pairs of flying tits following them.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
"Where in the name of Westeros are we?" Rhaegar growled, furrowing his eyebrows. He looked left and right, taking in the scenery of a landmass out in the middle of poison water. Shae laid sobbing by the shore, chocking out incoherent words about wildlings and how much she loved them. Sansa seemed to have no issues; she was already wading out in the water, poised to catch fish with her bare hands. Drogo, unlike his Dothraki brothers was not afraid of the sea, but still, in an abandoned land mass, he carried some fears.
"Where did you bring us?!" Drogo grabbed Osha by the collar and shook her roughly.
"I don't know! It was the flying tits; they must have changed our course somehow." Osha choked out.
Sansa's hand shot down and when it broke the surface once more there was a gleaming, plump fish in her hands. She waded back to shore and handed it to Rhaegar, who blew out some flames to cook it.
"If we're going to be stranded we may as well make the best of it," Sansa said cheerily.
"R-right, we should make a signal fire-" Shae began.
"RAH! We don't need help. We can get back just fine on our own!" Drogo said gruffly.
"That's right. I'll just apparate-"
"What the hell is apparating?!" Drogo interrupted. "Just do that fancy teleportation thing again."
Osha hesitated for a moment. "I can't."
"What do you mean you can't, you useless witch?!" Rhaegar screamed. In his anger he released ginormous flames from his mouth.
"The tits' magic is interferin' with my magic. I can't do nothin'," Osha said with a suddenly developed country accent.
"We need to go back," Shae sobbed. "I miss Westeros."
"Ehhh shut yer trap yeh useless wench. I'll go see if there's any prey on this island." Osha said with a Texan drawl. She left quickly marching into the forest behind them. Sansa chewed happily on her cooked fish.
Suddenly, the Potter boy appeared out of nowhere. With him was the ginger girl with missing tits.
"There you are! Let's avada-"
Tits came flying out of nowhere and hit the Potter boy in the face, knocking him unconscious. The ginger girl picked up his wooden stick and was about to say the same incantation, but the tits hit her in the face as well.
"Hey ma homies there's civilization up in dis joint," Osha suddenly became a gangster.
Without protest, they followed Osha leaving the two tit smacked teenagers by the shore. Through the forest they went, and suddenly descended upon a village. People flitted about, paying no attention to the five strangers that came bursting through the forest.
Osha stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a baby propped up against a tree, crying. She paced slowly towards it.
"What are you looking at, woman? This is no time to feel sorry for a stupid baby." Drogo scoffed.
"It's… It's…" She stammered.
"For god's sake just tell us what it is." Rhaegar hissed, smoke coming out of his nostrils.
"It's my unborn child," She choked out. Upon closer inspection they realized the baby was pink and bloody. An unborn fetus. Sansa recoiled in disgust.
As they all took one step closer to the fetus, its tilted head cracked up straight, turned on its body 360 degrees and began vibrating. Still vibrating, it began crawling spazzily to Osha.
"Sweet Jesus," Osha muttered.
"Who's Jesus?" Shae asked. She turned to Osha and in that instant the fetus began crawling up her leg. She screamed in fear.
"Vvvaaggggginnnnnnaaaaa... lettttttttt me crrrrrrrrawl into your woooooooombbbb…" the fetus hissed. "Giveeeeeee meeeee yourrr nutrientssssssssssssssssssssssss."
Shae began kicking wildly like a bucking horse, screaming at the same time. The Potter boy came bursting out of the forest and imperio'd the fetus. The fetus began disco dancing.
"Voldemort has moves." He said approvingly.
"M-My unborn baby is Voldemort?!" Osha gasped.
"Wait, who did you cheat on with to have a baby?" Shae asked accusingly.
"Another wolf man," Osha said without hesitation.
"Y-you… But I was a Stark when we dated!" Shae protested.
"I know," Osha said. "But you were a stupid wolf."
Before anyone could say anything, the fetus began attacking Potter. It slowly developed as it tore away at his face's flesh. It grew, and grew, until it became a woman.
"I thought he was Voldemort," Osha said. "But my baby is a woman?"
"Hello mother," she said.
"Aren't you… Shae?" Drogo said. "The stupid fucking faggot whore?"
"Yes, I am, and my home is THREE THOUSAND MIES AWEY!"
Suddenly Shae's stupid floppy tits flew off her body and smacked everyone on the face, rendering them unconscious.