Because all he wants to do is see her, touch her, and as the distance pulls at him, he has to call to say he can't.
Picking up the phone with dread, he automatically presses what he needs to, almost cringes as it begins ringing. It's a call that he doesn't want to have to make, would do anything to avoid, but he's a grown man, with grown up responsibilities and he really needs to suck it up before she answers, before...
"Beckett."
He moves the device to his ear as her voice breaks through and for a moment the sound of her–Oh, how he has missed the sound of her–is too much, he wants to be able to see her, watch her lips as they draw together and then push apart as she says her name.
Damn, the distance between them is making him sentimental.
"Hello?"
Realizing he has yet to actually say anything, so lost in his own mind, his own daydreaming over her oh so perfect mouth, he clears his throat and braces himself.
"Hey."
All he can manage is a single word and already his chest is tightening. Forcing himself to move from the standing position at his desk, he takes the steps needed so that he can collapse into the office chair. The weight of the world is heavily pushing down onto his shoulders.
"Castle, hey, talk quick. I'm getting dressed and I should have been out the door minutes ago."
His eyes slip close as he pictures her, brings forth memories of her standing in front of him, as she would go about the process, head bent in concentration as she aligns the buttons, inch after delicious inch of skin, slowly disappearing. He'd watch as she continued until he was left with nothing more than his over active imagination to fill in the voids.
At least even with the space between them, he still has his imagination.
"Ooo, what panties do you have on?" He places as much leer into his voice as possible, his tone so sultry it could easily find a place within the phone sex industry and he waits for her responding chuckle.
"Mmm, maybe in honor of your visit tonight I'm going commando?" The breathlessness is encased within her laughter as it travels through the line, bathes him in its beauty and his yearning rips him open.
"Ahh, yeah about that."
Silence descends and hangs heavy, his eyelids pinch tight as he braces for her disappointment.
Damn, he is so disappointed.
"You're not coming?" He can feel her heart breaking as it joins him in realization; it's been too many weeks apart, too many days without seeing each other, too many hours since they'd last touched. Standing in the middle of the airport as they whispered their good byes.
He had bent his head forward, bumped their foreheads together, and created a bubble within the busy terminal. His eyes had raked over her as he'd taken her in. He needed to memorize every detail, as if he hadn't spent the last five years doing that on a daily basis, and it had hit him all over again; he wouldn't see her on a daily basis anymore.
As if she'd read his thoughts, Kate had smoothed her hands along his broad shoulders, drifted up to cup his face, caressed her fingers across his lips, before she'd closed the gap. Her mouth across his as if she could take his fears, breathe them in, and dissolve them away.
It had been him at the swings, reassuring her that they would be great, had believed in that moment that as along they moved forward together that there was nothing that they couldn't overcome. Except, she was now hopping on a plane and their notion of together, was about to be defined in a new way. One he had to hope they'd survive.
"We're gonna be fine, Castle." His own lips muffle her words, but he understands every sound, has had more than enough experience at deciphering her. "We're gonna be great, remember."
Her words are said lightly, injected with laughter that neither of them had felt at that moment, and he could only respond by forcing his lips into hers more insistently.
Had hoped that she could feel all that he couldn't say.
As much as he knows she is going to be brilliant in D.C., how he's going to look forward to watching her shine, as her talents are recognized, appreciated at a federal level; mainly he's just going to miss her. Miss waking up to her each morning, traveling to work together, being partners, damn, he's going to miss her at night. Sharing a glass of red, her body against his, falling asleep with his frame wrapped around hers.
Damn, he's going to miss her.
Pushing all he could into one last kiss, he had pulled back reluctantly, had known that that she needed to go.
Go be amazing.
"I love you." Her whispered words had coiled around his heart, soothed the pain that comes with departure and he had repeated them back.
"I love you too."
They are going to be okay, he had held onto that thought as he watched her turn, travel bag pulling down on one shoulder as she had walked away. Suddenly she'd stopped, head looking back as she'd searched for his face one last time, had winked in the sexy way she does, before she'd disappeared from his sight.
Yeah, they were going to be fine.
The silence over the phone continues to grow as he searches for empty words, and attempts to explain.
"I'm sorry. I tried everything to get out of it, but Paula's still mad over me cancelling everything in May, and it was the only weekend that could be arranged and …"
His useless words trail off; his explanation does little to explain the way his heart bleeds around the hole that is rather Beckett shaped; the hole that has existed since she boarded that plane.
"Castle, it's okay. I mean… I wish you were on your way, but this is going to happen. Schedules clash, cancellations are going to occur."
He knows she's right, that being long distance means that they are going to have to be flexible, understanding when their work gets in the way. Still…
"I miss you." His voice creaks on the you, fractures on how much that statement is true. On how much he misses her.
"Oh, Rick. I miss you."
Apparently, he's not the only one spending lonely nights staring at the ceiling, aching for what they use to have.
"I should have a weekend off soon, and I'll come to you. You'll be back from your book tour and we can make up for lost time. It'll be spectacular, okay?" Her last line's said in question, and he feels the need to reassure her, reassure them.
"We're always spectacular!" His statement elicits a soft giggle from her and it's enough, he can hold onto it until they can see each other next.
"You've gotta go, I know, but stay safe. And, Kate, I love you."
He hears her breathing shake as it travels to him softly, listens as she sighs the words back.
"I love you too, Castle."
All mistakes are mine.
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