Prologue
"You don't want to be like me forever Bella." He muttered angrily staring out at the stars. I sighed and turned my body to face his.
"You're right. I want to be with you and I want to change how you feel about this existence because honestly, Jasper, you're the greatest thing that happened to me. This was true fifteen years ago and it's even truer now and I can't imagine a future without you." He glanced over at me, his long honey hair dangling near his eyes.
"A lot has changed in these past five years Bells, for one I'm no longer human. How the hell can you still want me?" He spat out the words with venom but I could tell he wasn't angry, but sad. I smiled and reached my hand out to touch his face.
"Because it is you." He nuzzled into my palm briefly before darkness clouded his visage again. He abruptly sat up and turned his body so his face was hidden from me.
"Is it?" He voice thick with pain. "Am I still me? I can't drink wine with you and laugh at movies anymore. We can't go get pizza when one of us had a shitty day. And with you human Bella, I can't touch you anymore. I can't kiss you or dare to hold you because I might kill you. I can never have a family with you. No, I'm not Jasper Hale any longer. I'm merely a pale comparison of the human I once was. I am Jasper Cullen, and I do not deserve you Bella. Surely you can see that now." Before I could protest he disappeared with a rush of wind into the warm night. Tears sprung to my eyes, I knew that he would never come see me again. He had decided.
Chapter One
Lunchboxes and Blood
"Go away Izzy, no one wants to play with you. You'll just run and tattle on us anyway." Kyle pushed me away from the soccer team. I stared up at him and my lips began to tremble.
"But I can play," I whimpered. Everyone laughed and turned away from me. Anger flashed through me and I grabbed a nearby basketball and hurled it at Kyle's head. It made contact with a sick thwack. He immediately began crying and ran to the yard duty before I could apologize.
The plump grumpy woman appeared and escorted me away to the vocal amusement of my peers. "Ooooh Bella's in trouble!" I crossed my arms and refused to look back at them.
"Now sit here for the rest of recess and think about how mean you've been. When you're ready to apologize you can play again." The short, chubby yard duty trudged away in annoyance. I sighed and leaned back against the concrete wall where we usually played wall ball, but today it was the time out wall. There were two other kids on the wall today. One was Jessica, who was always in trouble for being mean to girls and making them cry, and Jasper, who never wanted to socialize with any of the kids. I groaned. Why couldn't I just make some friends already?
"Hey," Jasper whispered. I looked at him with interest. He was lanky, had shabby blond hair, and pouty lips. He had lots of freckles and a deep southern drawl from when he lived in Texas. I'd never really talked to him before, and as far as I knew he never tried to talk to anyone either. He smiled and held out a piece of granola bar to me. I looked at him confused and noticed he had brought his lunchbox to recess. There wasn't much at all, just the granola bar and an apple, and he was still sharing it with me. I smiled back and took it from him gratefully.
"I'm Jasper." He mentioned casually as he took a bite of his own granola piece.
"I know," I said through a mouth full of food.
He laughed quietly. "And you're Bella, huh?" I nodded and stared out at the soccer field, watching as everyone else played the game I so desperately loved. I wanted to show them how good I was at the game, but they never gave me a chance. Jasper saw me staring and smiled again. "You know, my brothers are both on the soccer team at the high school. If you wanted to come over and play I'm sure they'd play a game with us." My eyes lit up.
"Ok! Sounds great!" I answered enthusiastically. He smiled one last time then turned back to staring at the ground, his cheeks burning. He was a shy boy.
. . . .
"Jasper! Bella is here to play!" I smiled at the tall blonde woman in front of me nervously. Jasper's mother smiled back and ushered me in to the house. They weren't millionaires but they definitely weren't in need. I was sitting in a large living room space with a large flat screen TV and three white suede couches. To my left, there was an archway that led to a large open kitchen and I could see two boys sitting at the table eating cereal and bacon.
One of the boys who appeared to be the younger of the two waved at me in greeting. The other simply rolled his eyes. "Jasper will be right down," his mother continued, "Would you like anything?" I smiled and shook my head. "No thank you, Mrs. Hale." She lightly squeezed my shoulder. "It's Tanya, Bella." Again, I simply nodded. She returned the gesture and then pointed out her other two sons.
"That's James," The older eye rolling one nodded, "And that is Seth." James looked like Jasper with blonde hair and a tall lanky body, but Seth seemed very different. He was darker with dark hair and eyes. Before I could ponder that too much Jasper came running down the stairs smiling.
"Hey Bella!" He grabbed my hand and started to lead me out to the backyard. "Meet us out there ok guys?" He shouted back to his brothers. They nodded but made no move to follow. Their backyard was less impressive than the rest of the house, but it would be great for soccer. I followed Jasper to a small shed and helped him rummage around for the ball and some collapsible net goals.
"Is Seth from a different dad?" I asked suddenly.
Jasper laughed. "Yeah, and a different mom. We adopted him a few years ago," he explained to my confused face.
"Oh."
"All right twerp! Time to get your butt kicked in soccer!" I heard one of his brothers-presumably James-shout from the house. We giggled and went to set everything up.
He was a generous boy.
. . . . .
"C'mon Bella don't be shy!" Jasper yelled to me. Several eyes were staring intently at me as I sat before them holding a guitar. I knew how to play one song on this guitar and that one song could be my saving grace or my ruin. Jasper smirked at me from across the campfire. A wicked gleam came into his eyes as he began chanting, "Bella! Bella! Bella!" Soon the whole group joined in and my face flushed. It was his cocky grin that ended up spurring me to start playing.
"I've heard there was a secret chord," I began singing quietly. The group listened intently as I mumbled through the verse and chorus. When I reached the second verse Jasper jumped in loudly, "Your faith was strong but you needed proof! You saw her bathing on the roof," He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and the campers laughed, "Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya!" He gestured to me like Romeo to Juliet and I rolled my eyes. He was an excellent singer, but boy was he a ham! We continued to sing together for the remainder of the song and when the last chord echoed the campers clapped more than politely. I blushed profusely. I hated public performances and Jasper knew that. I glanced up and saw him smiling at me with warmth I recognized. I smiled back confidently. I knew that no matter what happened Jasper would be there for me. He was a sweet boy.
. . . .
"Jasper are we supposed to be out here at night?" I whimpered, flashing my light back and forth over the path.
"Shhhh! You're gonna wake 'em up!" I shivered at the thought. Together we crept across the front lawn of Mr. and Mrs. Hackett. They lived right next to the haunted cave and it was necessary to cross their yard. As a result, kids could only visit the cave once they were asleep.
It was Jasper's dumb idea to come out to see the cave. He said he wanted to show me something. This idea came after watching several movies including My Girl and Practical Magic—at my insistence of course.
After some tricky maneuvering up the rocks we reached the summit of the hill which led to the mouth of the cave. He didn't enter; instead he sat down outside the cave in a bath of moonlight. Now that we were out of the trees I no longer needed my flashlight. The full moon washed the hillside in a bright shimmering light. It was still creepy.
I sat beside him and waited for him to explain. Eventually he spoke up.
"Bella, you're my best friend." I snorted.
"I used to be your only friend," I teased and I nudged his shoulder. He smiled lightly and looked at me sideways. "But really Bella, you've been there longer than anyone else has my whole life and it's only been three years. I feel like we'll always be friends, Bella." I smiled and looked up at the sky.
"I think so too, Jasper."
"Bella?"
I turned and saw the he was holding a safety pin. I raised an eyebrow then snorted. "Alright weirdo." He grinned and gently pricked both our fingers. We touched our blood together and completed the 'blood brothers' bond. I laughed and pulled him into a hug. He returned it and when he pulled away I noticed it had gotten a bit cold.
"We should head back," I sighed.
"Yeah alright," He responded, grabbing his flashlight. He grabbed my hand and led me down the path and we walked hand in hand home. He was a warm boy.
. . . .
Bella Im coming over
I read my text message and smiled. I went to my door and unlocked it then quickly texted my parents that Jasper was coming over for a bit. Not ten minutes later he showed up, flustered and seemingly angry.
"Uh oh." I muttered. I knew what had happened just by the look on his face.
He plopped unceremoniously onto my couch and grumbled, "She was." I rolled my eyes.
"Of course she was cheating on you, Jasper, its Jessica Stanley. She's had her eyes on Newton for years, though God knows why." I sat beside him and put my arm around him. He sighed and leaned back into me.
"I don't know why I even bothered dating her. She wasn't right for me."
I shook my head. He was right, they were very different people. For one, he was actually a good human being. We sat for a bit in silence. He was definitely angry but I could tell he was a little upset.
"Hey c'mon. Let's go get some pizza." I smiled and pulled him up off the couch. He was still pouting so I tossed him my keys and demanded, "You drive. Let's go." He rolled his eyes at me but I saw the hint of a smile on his lips.
He drove us to the pizza parlor in town in my old beat up Chevy. He loved my truck; he said it fit me to a T. One large pepperoni pizza later and he was spilling his guts about him and Jessica. He hadn't really loved her but she was his first girlfriend and they had dated for about six months, which when you're sixteen is a very long time. I grabbed the little white table that is put on the pizza to hold up the box and piled pepperoni on it silently. Jasper laughed at me.
"You still do that." I glanced up and smiled at him. It used to be a game for us. We would compete to see who could put the most items on the table without it falling. He would always win; I was too clumsy.
"Yup, I never change," I laughed. He didn't respond so I looked up. He was staring at me with a funny look.
"Yes you do Bella. You've changed a lot actually," He mumbled the last part and blushed. My own blush flared up when I understood his meaning. He thought I was pretty. This was his weird way of telling me that he no longer saw me as his blood brother. Things were going to change after tonight, but for now I decided to let it go and cheer up my best friend.
"Thanks Jasper," I said sincerely and when he looked up I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and shook his head. "Ok," he acquiesced, "You haven't changed that much." He was a beautiful boy.
. . . .
I pinned up my hair to the side so that it wouldn't get in my eyes later. My hair had grown quite long over the years so I was able to pull off some pretty nice curls tonight. I had to admit, with that, my makeup and the stunning midnight blue dress my mom had bought me I didn't look half bad. Two weeks ago Jasper had asked me to our Senior Prom, as per our agreement we made when we were freshmen. However, the promise seemed to mean something different now.
Two years ago we had both acknowledged our attraction to each other but had decided to ignore it for the sake of our friendship. We wanted to be absolutely sure before doing anything rash. I'd met him when I was ten, and now at seventeen, for the first time I didn't know how to react to him tonight.
I wasn't worried; I always enjoyed my time with Jasper. Still, my heart fluttered every time I thought about it. My doorbell rang and I hurried downstairs with my coat. My parents had already let Jasper in and were beginning the ensuing photo session. I sighed and walked over to join the miserable sap. He grinned when he saw me and pulled me into his side with his arm on my waist.
"Picture time!" He shouted in a high pitched 'girly' voice. We all laughed and we began to pose for our traditional pre-Prom pictures. When we headed out Charlie stopped us and looked Jasper square in the eye. "You make sure she has a nice time Jasper." The serious tone was rare for my father but it soon turned joking. "No tomfoolery you hear! I'll have to arrest you if you ruin her night!" He jokingly pulled out his police issued handcuffs and Jasper rolled his eyes.
"I promise Chief." With that we headed out to our Prom.
It was about what we expected complete with the stereotypical decorations and crappy music with our peers grinding along. We decided to try a different approach. When we were fourteen Jasper's parents had taught us how to ball room dance for the fun of it. Our skills were a bit rusty but slowly we began to glide along the dance floor in a very mismatched way to the music.
"You look really nice tonight Bella," Jasper complimented as he twirled me. I blushed predictably but I felt no real embarrassment. I liked that he thought that. He looked rather nice too. We danced for several songs before a slow song came on. I stopped and began to walk towards the punch, assuming that we would skip out on the slow dances, but Jasper pulled me back in, closer than I had been before. We were flush against one another, one hand on my waist and one holding my left hand we began to sway. I looked up shyly wondering what I would see on Jasper's face.
My heart dropped to my stomach when I saw the look of pure adoration on his face. "Bella?" He whispered. I leveled my eyes to his and watched as he slowly moved toward me as if to kiss me. Just when I thought his lips would touch mine he turned and kissed my cheek. He whispered into my ear, "Bella, can I kiss you?" Goosebumps broke out along my body and I knew he felt it when he laughed lightly. My own answering giggle slipped out and I nodded and hummed my approval. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. Hazel met chocolate just briefly before they both slowly closed and instead lips met lips. It was a shock of warmth from the start, unlike any other kiss I'd experienced including Jake who had a perpetual fever it seemed. I relaxed into his arms and when we pulled back I rested my head on his shoulder. We slowly swayed to the music for the rest of the night despite the fact that most of the songs were pop songs. We didn't care. He was a man.
. . . .
A year had passed since High School graduation and Jasper and I were sitting in my apartment with an empty bottle of wine and some tequila. After Prom we had decided to just be content with the occasional kiss or held out hug until after High School. We weren't dating each other, but we weren't dating anyone else either. Soon thereafter we had both been accepted to different, though nearby, colleges and had gone on our way. We made it a point to see each other at least once a week which usually turned into drunken weekend movie/dinner parties. Tonight we had been watching Big Fish and drinking our respective glasses of wine when inspiration had struck and we began a drinking game using tequila.
Every time the world 'father' or 'Bloom' was used we either took a sip of wine or a shot of tequila. It wasn't the cleverest of drinking games but needless to say it wasn't long before I was a slobbering mess. Jasper held his liquor fairly well, but I'd always been a bit of a lightweight. I was currently debating with him over the pros and cons of liquid nacho cheese and real cheese.
"But Bella, obviously liquid cheese is more traditional than normal cheese on nachos!" I huffed indignantly and he smirked. He was fucking with me and I knew it, but it still pissed me off that he wasn't getting the gravity of this discussion.
"But Jasper, with normal cheese you can choose how melted/burnt you want it! I like my cheese almost burnt and you can't burn liquid nacho cheese!" He pushed my shoulder and teased, "Well normal people can't no, but I'm betting you could burn it."
Growling I jumped up and headed towards my kitchen. I stumbled a bit on the way and he followed me with obvious interest in his eyes. The world was a bit skewed so I simply sat on the counter and pointed to the fridge. "Get the cheese and grate it mmk?" Jasper raised an eyebrow and I crossed my arms. "Pleeeeease?" I begged. He shrugged and retrieved the cheese and made short work of grating it.
I clapped giddily and hopped down from the perch. Jasper moved to steady me but I righted myself and proudly walked over to the cabinet to get a plate and tortilla chips. "Here," I handed both to him and instructed him—kind of—on how to make perfect nachos. They came out crunchy as hell and not appetizing but I was determined to make a point so I pretended and ate a few hmming in appreciation.
"Bella, you're ridiculous." Jasper finally stated after a few minutes of over the top eating. I sat back and pouted. "Don't be mean Jasper." I grumbled and closed my eyes. I was beginning to get sleepy. I heard him sigh adoringly and soon felt myself being carried by a pair of warm strong arms. Jasper had filled out in the last nine years and he no longer resembled the lanky freckled boy from before. He was tall and lean but muscled and tanned. His blond hair had darkened into a honey color that shone just slightly.
I felt myself being lowered into my bed and his arms begin to slip away.
"No come back," I pouted. He didn't move at first but eventually he lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I snuggled back against him and his chin rested on my head. Surrounded by his warmth I quickly fell asleep. He was a kind man.
A few hours later when I woke up I felt something heavy across my hips. I struggled to remember before I fell asleep and soon I realized with a smile it was Jasper's leg which he had slung over me like a koala bear. He was snoring deeply and twitching slightly in his sleep, but he looked absolutely peaceful. Already I could feel my head pounding so as regrettable as it was I extricated myself from his grasp and headed to the bathroom.
I popped some Advil into my mouth and swallowed with a wince. I brushed my teeth hoping to rid myself of the nauseous taste of morning after drinking breath. My stomach rumbled unpleasantly from the booze, nachos and pills so I chewed some Tums and headed back to bed where I found Jasper half-awake looking around the room. When he spotted me he smiled sleepily and held out his hand. I gladly took it and lowered myself back onto the bed beside him. He tucked his head into the crook of my neck and pulled me against him. He did this in a completely innocent gesture like a child with a teddy bear, but to my more awake mind I realized the implications of this position.
Slowly I wrapped my arms around his neck and tucked my head into his neck. He sighed contentedly but when I tentatively kissed him gently on his neck he froze slightly and pulled back to look at me. He was no longer half-asleep.
"Bella?" He asked quietly. My eyes never left his as I leaned towards his lips. He stared at me in shock until the very last moment when our lips finally touched again after several months of no contact. It didn't take him long to respond. He kissed back harder than before and pushed me backwards so that he was lying across me. His lips massaged mine and with a few little touches of his tongue he coaxed my mouth open. His hands wandered across my shoulder to my neck, along my waist and rested at my hips. I groaned when he began to pull my hips towards his.
Jasper had more experience with this than I, though I wasn't a virgin. He'd lost his virginity to Jessica, and ironically I had lost mine to Mike Newton a few months before he and Jessica had gotten back together. Mike was not the best in any physical way, and Jake was only a bit better when I'd slept with him a year later. Jasper had told me about three girls total that he'd been with, but the most recent was a drunken one night stand named Maria a few months back. That's when we stopped our casual romance and returned to strictly friends. I hadn't wanted it per se, but I preferred it to being his girl on the side.
But now as he began to pull me closer and closer to him I began to realize that all along it was me he had wanted and it was him I had needed. All hesitation vanished I pushed him back and straddled him without breaking the kiss. He gasped for air and threw his head back when I lightly ground against him.
"Fuck, Bella, what are…what are you," He moaned again when I latched onto the side of his neck without slowing my movements. His hand gripped my hips lightly at first then roughly the more I kissed and teased him.
"Uhhhh Bella stop…stop teasing me darlin'….God Bella…" He muttered slightly frustrated. I smiled and kissed him sloppily.
"Make me," I whispered into his dazed face. Clarity hit him fast and without pause he sat up with me still straddling his waist and began to strip off my shirt. When it was gone he only stopped a moment to admire it all before immediately ripped my bra off and kiss down my neck, to my collarbone, to my chest until he latched around my nipple. A jolt of pleasure shot to my toes at the feel of him. It wasn't even the location; it was just the fact that it was Jasper fucking Hale wanting me this way. I could feel how badly he wanted me pressing against my soaked underwear. He growled when I whimpered and gripped his hair tighter. He pulled back and rested his head against my chest.
"Sugar. Please. What do you want from me?" He sounded so defeated, so exhausted, but so breathless and excited at the same time. His accent slipped back in whenever he was distracted but I had never been so drawn to it before. I pushed him back from my chest and squared him in the eye before responding, "I want you Jasper Hale." His eyes widened and I felt a twitch from below that prompted me to pull off his shirt. I sat back so he could remove his belt and pants and I could remove my skirt. He hesitated. "Now when you say you want me..?" I laughed. We sat across from each other both clad only in our underwear, panting bright faced. Idiot boy. I smacked the side of his head and pulled him towards me. "I mean I want you Jasper. All of you." His eyes scoured my body and I shivered in anticipation. He didn't keep me waiting long.
He crawled over me forcing me on my back with my head against the headboard. "Bella I've wanted you since I was sixteen years old and now three years later when it's happening I just can't believe it." He looked into my eyes and sensing no hesitation he grinned and placed his hand against my center. I gasped in pleasure. He smiled and moved to kiss my neck while his fingers found their way under the elastic and into my folds. Groaning with need I gripped him closer and he pulled off the lacy underwear completely. He glanced at me and groaned. "I'm such a lucky guy."
I pulled on his underwear until we both lay nude writhing together touching and feeling. He brought me to the verge again and again alternating between slow strokes of my clit to fast curling inside me. Finally he stared me in the eyes and let me reach my climax before he pulled back and searched for his pants. I sat up slightly, knowing what he was looking for and I was both thrilled and nervous. I wanted him so badly and he obviously felt the same, but it had been a couple years since I'd done anything and this was Jasper.
This was Jasper. He wouldn't hurt me, and whatever I had to give him he would cherish. I knew this. I had no reason to worry. He reappeared and sheathed himself before laying back over me. He slowly guided himself to my entrance and silently asked permission. I reached my hand up and grasped his hair, pulling him down for a deep kiss. He pushed in quickly, my body readjusting after so long without an intrusion. Every inch of him felt incredible in me and I wanted nothing more to feel this every moment of my life.
Then he began to move. It was slow at first and he had to pause a few times to collect himself, but soon he had built up a rhythm and I had found a corresponding one to continuously meet his hips. He moved in an out faster and faster until I became incoherent and a warm tingle spread throughout my body in a flash. Jasper groaned at the tightening of my walls around him and it wasn't long after that he followed me.
The whole thing lasted only twenty minutes, but it was twenty of the best minutes of my life.
. . . .
Two months later we moved in together. We continued to go to our respective schools but now every day when we came home, it was to one another. Usually it was to the other lying naked waiting for a warm welcome home. Sometimes we fought, but nine years of friendship had taught us how to deal with one another.
The sex however took a while to explore and discover. I discovered that his ears and neck were incredibly sensitive, and he found that I enjoyed a little rough play during. Always the gentleman, he made sure I came at least once before pursuing his own release. We were blissfully happy with one other. It wasn't long before we said I love you. There was never much time between either. He had been a shy boy, a generous boy, a sweet boy, a beautiful boy, a man, a kind man and now after all this time he was finally my man.
. . . .
"Bella what do you mean you can't find him?" My mother asked.
"Exactly that mom! He didn't come home after work, which was already strange but when he still hadn't shown up this morning…"Tears spilled down my cheeks and my throat constricted.
"Have you tried calling him?" She asked concerned.
I nodded then replied, "Yes several times each hour. I called the police but they say it's too early to file a report. Mom I'm scared," My voice cracked and so did my resolve. My Jasper was gone.
. . . .
A year passed with no clues. No sign. No sound. I never accepted the lack of closure but there was nothing I could do and I knew it. I dropped out of college and moved back home. I thought I needed something familiar and both of our parents needed me, but Jasper lingered everywhere, and soon it became too much. I applied for a job a few cities over and moved into a small apartment: alone. He was my man.