Hey Flem!!!!!!!! Here's a fic I started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonni's World
Chapter One, In Which Prince Veggie Meets Tonni.
One day, Vegeta stood in the center of his backyard, being a complete dumbass, as usual.
"Hey!" he yelled angrily at the narrator, who is I. "What the hell is going on? And what's with the voice? It's all echoey and stuff."
Wow. What a vocabulary, huh?
"Stop that!" Vegeta screamed. "Who are you, anyway?"
I am God. As I was saying-
"God? Bullshit," he said, folding his arms across his chest.
Fine. My name's Tonni. Good enough for you, Veggie boy? But you shall call me God. OK?
"No!" Vegeta shouted. "You're not God! Where the hell are you, anyway?"
I am everywhere, Vegeta! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But anyways, whilst Vegeta was being a dumbass to the narrator, Bulma was getting undressed to take a shower inside of the house.
"What?" Vegeta screamed. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that before, whore?"
Ooh. you're pushing it, Veggie. God says-
"You're not God, bitch!" Vegeta yelled.
Ooh. you don't learn, do you? Ahem.
Suddenly five bionic, radioactive, superhuman, mutated cows landed on Vegeta's head. He screamed like a little girl as they proceeded to beat the crap out of our boy Vegeta.
"How the hell did you do that?" he asked angrily, booting the cows off to some other dimension.
I told you, I am God here! MWAHAHAHAHA!
"Um. OK," Vegeta said a little uncertainly. "Um. God? Tonni?"
Yes, my little puppet?
"Is Bulma really getting undressed inside the house?" he asked the narrator, who chuckled.
Not any more, silly! Now you've provoked me! Not a good choice. Ahem.
All of a sudden, Bulma came tearing out of the house with a frying pan in her hand. And, yes, she was fully clothed. She ran over to Vegeta and smacked him on the head with the pan, forming a huge lump.
"BASTARD!" she screamed at the top of her incredibly large lungs. Then she dashed back into the house.
Our favorite dumbass sat in the center of the yard, looking pitiful.
"Why'd you do that?!" he screamed.
Do what?
"Make her hit me with that frying pan, whore!"
Ooh. you pushed it just a little too far there, Veggie. I'm going to have to censor you now!
"What the bleep-" Vegeta started. "Bleep?! Why the bleep am I saying." but then his small brain processed what the narrator had said before.
"You censored me, you bleep!" he yelled.
I prefer God, thank you very much.
"Fine. God," Vegeta mumbled. "A frigging insane god, if you ask me."
I heard that. And if you call me frigging insane again, I will censor you- yet again.
"Sorry, God," Vegeta said apologetically.
You are forgiven. for now.
"So." Vegeta said. "What am I supposed to do now?"
I. oh, shit. I don't have a plot. Gimme a minute to think of one.
"What?! You mean I have to wait here while you think up a goddamn dilemma?"
Yes. Now shut-up. Hmmm. let's see. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, I got it! But before I continue my marvelous plot-type idea-thingy, I would like to bless Rumiko Takahashi for being such a goddamn genius.
"Oh, shit," Vegeta moaned. "You're making a Ranma ½ crossover, aren't you?"
Maybe, maybe not.
"YES, YOU ARE!" Vegeta yelled.
OK, OK! If you insist! Ahem.
"NO!" Vegeta screamed. "NOOOO!! I didn't mean it like that!"
I can't hear you.
"No, dammit, no!!!"
My name is not dammit, Veggie. It is God. Anyways, as I was saying.
Suddenly the sky turned a darkish-green. A huge portal opened, and out of it tumbled a panda and a redheaded girl with a long braid. They landed on the ground with a thud.
See, Veggie? See my power?!
Chapter Two, in Which Vegeta and Ranma Get a Dose of Tonni's Idea of Fun
Vegeta put his face in his hands.
The panda held up a sign. "Where are we?" it read.
You're in Tonni's world!
"AUGH!" the pigtailed girl screamed. "Who is that!?"
This is God, Ranma.
"GOD?!" Ranma yelled. "Holy shit, I'm dead???"
"She's. not. god." Vegeta said through gritted teeth.
Oh? Then who, pray tell, am I, dear Veggie?
"Satan," Vegeta answered promptly.
"NOOO!!!" Ranma sobbed. "I'm in hell!!"
Does this look like hell to you, Ranma?
Ranma sniffled. "No," he/she answered meekly.
Correct. This is not hell. Nor is it heaven, for that matter. It is Limbo.
"What the hell is Limbo?" Vegeta snapped.
Limbo is where all the unbaptized babies go. Sheesh, don't you guys know anything?"
The panda held up a new sign. "We're dead?!" it read.
Naw. I'm just playin' witcha. You're in a parallel universe is all.
"Oh," the panda's new sign read.
"How'd we get here?" Ranma asked, rubbing his/her head.
I sent you.
"How?"
I told you, I am God. I can do anything.
"Well, can you poof me up a bucket of cold water?" he/she asked.
Sure, sweetie. Ahem.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!" Vegeta screamed.
What's wrong, Asparagus Head?
"Don't you dare start with the 'Ahem's', whore!!"
Ooh. you pushed it a little too far there, Veggie. Censor time!
"NO!!!" Vegeta screamed. "No censoring!!!"
"What the hell is she talking about?" Ranma asked. "And can I please get-"
Cold water, coming right up for Ranma Satome!!
Suddenly a bucket of cold water fell from the sky. It landed on Ranma's head, splashing him/her with cold water. Instantly heesh was a guy again.
"Thank you, God!" Ranma sang cheerily.
No problem, hon! Now, back to Vegeta's potty-mouth trouble.
"NO!!!" Vegeta screamed. "Forget the potty-mouth trouble!!!"
Fine. But I'm still going to have to punish you, silly!
"Oh shit," Vegeta moaned.
And I think I have just come up with a new plot. rabid fan girls!!
"NOOOO!!!!!" Vegeta yelled.
Or maybe I could catapult Merai Trunks in here and we could have a fun little yaoi fic!!
"NOOOO!!!! Anything but that!!!!" Vegeta screamed desperately.
I don't know. it would be pretty fun to see you sliding your tongue down your future son's throat.
"Oh, come on!!!" Vegeta hollered. "Give me a goddamn break!!"
Maybe I will. because now I'm picking on Ranma.
"Me?" Ranma asked innocently.
Who else?
"Why are you gonna pick on me?" Ranma whined.
Cause Vegeta's getting boring. Ok by you, Satome?
"NO!!!" Ranma screamed. "NOT OK!!!!!!"
Can't hear you. Ahem.
Suddenly, out of apparently nowhere, a huge fireball catapulted in Ranma's direction. He tried to move, but his legs wouldn't let him. The fireball hit him with the force of a thousand ki blasts and drove him six feet into the ground.
"Oww," Ranma squeaked.
Aw, get up, Ranma. I am SSSOOOOOOO bored!! God, is there anything to do? I thought you guys would be fun to have around! That's why I put you here! How can anime characters be so boring???
"Yea, that's it!" Vegeta yelled. He poked Ranma in the ribs.
"Yes!" Ranma said. "We anime people are SSOOOO BORING! You don't want us, oh great lord-"
Ahem.
"Lady Tonni," Ranma corrected himself. "So why don't you just go back to Limbo or wherever you're from, and leave us to bore some other person?"
Ranma Satome, you're a frigging genius! I'll trade fictions with Yuki!
"Yuki?" Vegeta said, turning pale. "Who's she?"
Oh, she's doing an Inu-Yasha fiction just like this. She's the God over there. Only she's a little. well, she's a little more. colorful. than I am.
"Wait, you're not gonna trade us, are you?" Ranma said.
Yea. Like you guys said, you are really boring. YUKI!!!
"WAIT!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY COLORFUL!!??????!" Vegeta screamed.
YUKI!!!
Oh, here she comes!!! And look, she's bringing Sesshoumaru and Inu-chan too! And Kagome and Shippou! Ahem.
Chapter Three, In Which The Satome's Come to Know and Hate Yuki
Suddenly, a girl with short black hair and bright green eyes walked into Vegeta's backyard. Behind her walked another girl with longish, wavy black hair and blue-gray eyes, a tall demon with a moon embedded in his forehead wearing fancy armor, a small, fox-looking demon with a ponytail and feet like a fox's, and a short half-demon with white hair and golden-yellow eyes. His dog-like ears on top of his head fidgeted.
"Hey, those don't look like dog ears!" Ranma exclaimed. "He looks like a cat demon to me!"
The half-demon with the "dog" ears turned deep red and his hand went for the sword at his side.
The girl with the wavy black hair and gray-blue eyes opened her mouth, but the girl with the shorter hair interrupted her.
"Allow me," she insisted. Ranma and Vegeta, and even the dimwitted panda, realized that the girl had the same boomy, echoey voice of the beautiful and clever narrator, Tonni. The wavy-haired girl nodded in the direction of the shorthaired girl, who is Yuki.
"Sit," Yuki said. Instantly the "dog-demon" was face first in the grass.
"Fuck you, whore!" he screamed.
"Sit," the two girls said in unison. The "dog-demon" fell further into the ground.
"GODDAMMIT!!!!!!" he yelled, pounding his fists into the ground. "GODDAMMIT, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!"
Shut-up, Inu-chan.
"Hey, Tonni!" Yuki called. "You yelled for me?"
Yea, Yuki. You see, I catapulted Vegeta and the Satome's in here, and they're as boring as hell. Can I switch characters with you?
"No way!" Yuki yelled. "I like Sesshoumaru-chan! And Inu-Yasha, and everyone else!"
"No, no, no!" Shippou exclaimed, bouncing up and down. "Really! It's OK! You can have fun with the new anime characters! We won't feel bad!"
"No, no, no, silly Shippou!" Yuki fussed. "I would never give up the Inu- Yasha gang!"
"Aw, damn!" Shippou yelled, crossing his arms across his chest.
Where's Miroku? I thought that when you started you had him.
"I did," Yuki said simply.
Well then where the hell is he?
"He's dead," Yuki said.
"Yea," Inu-Yasha mocked. "She fucking killed him with a fireball. A FIREBALL, for Christ's sakes!!!!!"
Shut-up, Puppy!! I AM TALKING TO YUKI!!!!
"Go fuck a frog!" Inu-Yasha yelled back. Yuki opened her mouth, but I, Tonni, cut her off.
No, no, Yuki. I have a better idea. Hey, Yuki, didn't you have a Kagome look-alike fan girl before?
"Why, yes I did, Tonni!" Yuki said, smiling evilly.
"What are you going to do?!" Inu-Yasha screamed.
"We're going to have some fun." Yuki smiled. "Tonni, I think you should see this. Come out of the tree!"
Well. OK. Ahem.
Suddenly, out of the peach tree in the center of the yard-
"Hey!" Vegeta yelled. "Where the hell did that peach tree come from?! And where's my training capsule?! Where the hell did you put it?!"
You're wasting my time, Veggie! I will now make my entrance. Ahem.
Chapter Four, in Which Tonni is Introduced
Suddenly a young girl with white-blonde hair and purple streaks jumped out of the peach tree. And this girl is.
"You're Tonni??!!" Ranma screamed. "You're like, fifteen!"
Fourteen, Ranma. And exactly how old did you think I was?
"Well, I thought you'd be ancient!" Ranma screamed. "I can't believe a fourteen-year-old made a fool out of me like that!!!!!"
Hahaha. You lose, Satome.
"Dude, this just ain't fair!" Ranma bellowed. "I am the best martial artist in, like, everywhere!!!!! You can't do this to me!!"
Why, yes I can, Ranma. Speaking of which, can you tell dear, dear Genma to get his hands off of my ass?
"Oh," Ranma said tensely. He eyed his father, as did everyone.
The panda was drooling over the beautiful Tonni. Ranma booted him off into the sky.
Can I kill him, Ranma honey? Please, Ran-chan?
"Uh."
"Hey! That what I call him!"
Suddenly Ukyo stormed into the backyard. Her face was beet red and had swelled to twice its normal size.
"Ukyo?" Ranma said. "What're you-"
"Listen, you bitch!" Ukyo screamed at Tonni. "What the hell do you think you're doing, provoking my Ran-chan like that? It's unorthodox!"
I'm non-religious.
"Why you."
Ukyo, I would strongly suggest that you go screw a snail, because you won't be screwing anything else. Ever.
"Oh, that does it!!" Ukyo screamed. She advanced towards the beautiful narrator.
"Uh, Ukyo," Ranma said, holding her back. "I really wouldn't do that if I were you."
"I don't care!!!!!!!!"
Ran-chan, please step back. I think Ukyo's been too naughty to stay in my story.
"Uh-oh," Vegeta snickered.
Shut-up, Veggie. Ahem.
Suddenly a fat pimp landed on top of Ukyo. She was instantly killed by the impact. For a full two minutes, everyone except the beautiful narrator and Yuki stared.
"Y.you killed her." Ranma gasped.
No kidding, Ranma. You think?
"But. she was. my fiancé."
"Oh, please!!" Vegeta hollered. "Who cares? She was a pain in the ass anyway."
YEA!!!!! Finally there's someone who understands me!!! Go Veggie! Hey, maybe I'll actually keep your sorry ass until the end of the fic!!!
"That would be. uh."
"UNFAIR!!!!!!" Inu-Yasha screamed. "If HE gets to live, then I should! C'mon!!"
"Sit," Yuki muttered heatedly.
Smack.
"OH, HOW I HATE YOU FUCKING WHORES!! GOD I HATE YOU!!!"
You'll hate us more when we bring in the Kagome look-alike. Sorry, Kagome, but your out.
"What?!" Kagome screamed. "I CAN'T BE OUT!! I'M INU-CHAN'S LOVER!!!"
"Aw, why'd you have to go and say that?!" Inu-Yasha screamed. "Kill 'er, Tonni!!! Kill 'er!!"
I'm not gonna kill 'er, Inu-chan. She needs to find the Shikon no Tama. Naw, I'll just boot her like I did with Genma, my future father-in-law.
"WHAT??!!" Ranma screamed. "Oh, no! I am not marrying you!!!"
Why? Don't you think I'm pretty?
"Uh."
"Oh, shit, just boot the goddamn girl!" Prince Veggie screamed.
Shut-up. But I will boot her. Goodbye, Kagome.
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Kagome screamed.
Shut-up. Ahem.
Soon, Kagome was booted back off into her shrine and could not get back.
"Inu-chan!!" she howled. "Inu-chan."
Chapter Five,
In Which Yuki and Tonni have a Fight
"I can't believe you did that!" Yuki yelled.
Did what?
"That was my character, Tonni! I can't get her back now!"
Aw, shut-up and suck a monkey's nipple, Yuki.
Smack.
Ooh. Yuki, don't go 'round smacking me on the goddamn head! I'll murder you, girl! I appreciate your fan fiction like no one else, but you smack me one more time and I'll chop your head off.
"CATFIGHT!!!!!" Vegeta laughed. "Catfight!"
"Dude, this I gotta see!" Inu-Yasha said, shoving past Shippou. Sesshoumaru turned to him.
"'Dude?'" he said sarcastically.
"Shut-up."
Nobody's killing anybody, boys- "NOT FAIR!!!!!!" Veggie screamed. "I wanna see Yuki bitch-slap Tonni!" Do you now? Well that's lovely. But it's too bad, because- Suddenly Yuki punched Tonni as hard as she could. "That's for deleting my character!" I'll delete you, Yuki! "Just try me!!" Yuki screamed. Soon the two were in a huge cloud of dust. "Yea!" Veggie said, sitting in a chair and gulping down a beer. "This is real, quality entertainment!" "Wait!!" someone screamed. The troop of idiots whirled around and saw a jolly old fat policeman. Hi, Santa Clause! Where's your bag of presents? "Antonia Lamont?" the fat policeman asked the narrator. Yup, yup, yup! That's me!
"And Yuki. uh. Yuki?"
"Uh-huh," Yuki said, blowing some hair out of her eyes. She was obviously mad at being torn away from a decent fight by Santa Clause.
"Hey, how're you doin' that?" Police Enforcer Nicolas Clause asked the beautiful, yet slightly ruffled Tonni.
I am God! Isn't it cool?
"Uh." St. Nick said. "Sure. And the rest of you are.?"
"No one!" the others all screamed.
"We have nothing to do with either of them!" Shippou wailed, bawling his eyes out. "They can't even keep up a good story plot!!"
Yes we can!
"Yes we can!" Yuki screamed.
I said it first!
"No I did!"
I did!
"I did!"
I did!
"I did!"
Aw shut-up and fight you nasty little bitch!!!
Soon the cloud of dust was up and running again and Vegeta was sipping another beer, and every man in the scene except for Santa Clause was content. Suddenly the dust cloud fell on top of St. Nick and soon he was pulled into the fighting. Shippou, Sesshoumaru, Inu-Yasha, Ranma, and Vegeta were all laughing their asses off until.
Chapter Six,
In Which the Running and Loss of Powers Intensify
OHMIGODOHMIGOD! Santa's dead! Me and Yuki killed him! We KILLED HIM!
"Are. are you sure he's dead?" Ranma said, poking the fat corpse gently. "I mean, maybe he's sleeping."
"He's not sleeping, you little fucker!" Vegeta yelled. "If he were fucking asleep, he would be fucking breathing!"
"Stop the cussing!" Yuki screamed. "It hurts my fucking ears!" She gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh shit, now you've got me going! Dammit, Veggie!!"
We killed him, we killed him! Shit, that's gonna add to my criminal record-
"C. you have. have you." Inu-Yasha stuttered.
"You've. done this before?" Ranma continued.
Well, not this exact situation, but it was close. If you ever talk to Yugi or some of those Bey Bladers guys, you'll get a pretty good idea of my record so far.
"Oh shit, we're such toast!" Vegeta yelled. "You got us in such deep shit, Tonni! Damn it all! RRRGGG!!! I don't know about you guys, but I'm out of this story."
Suddenly Veggie started to try to fly away, but.
"What the hell!?!?!?!" Vegeta screamed, stomping on the ground. "Why can't I fly?! Tonni, don't ground me!!!"
I didn't! I don't know why the hell you can't fly!
"Wh. what?" Vegeta said, his eyes drooping quite a bit. "What do you mean, you didn't do it?!?!"
I didn't make it so that you can't fly, Veggie! Sheesh! Don't jump to conclusions.
"BUT NO ONE ELSE COULDA GROUNDED ME, WHORE!!!!!!" Pinkie the Macho Man screamed, pulling out fistfuls of his hair.
I don't know, honestly. what do you think, Ranma?
"That the real God is coming on that huge fireball," Ranma said, his eyes widening as the huge comet-type thing hit him with full force.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Ranma squealed.
"Because you always state the obvious," Sesshoumaru said, prodding at his charred body.
Suddenly two figures jumped from the comet and the ball of fire disappeared. Ranma struggled to his feet, while Shippou ran in little circles around him, singing:
"OHHH. HIS ASS IS ON FIRE AND GOD HATES HIM!!! WHO IS HE??? RANMA!!!"
"Shut-up. brat." Ranma said, smacking Shippou on the head. The little fox demon cackled and stuck a magic scroll on Ranma's head, causing the young Satome to fall on him face into the smoldering ground. Inu-Yasha, who has almost been forgotten in this story, laughed and laughed and laughed.
Um. I don't think that those two are God, guys.
And indeed, the brilliant narrator was correct!!
Suddenly Seto and Yugi stepped out of the shadows, smirking smugly with their arms folded across their chests. Well, Seto was standing, smirking, and looking confident. Yugi, on the other hand, was shivering in terror.
"I. I don't like. Tonni." he whimpered, which was incredibly strange on account of it sounded so weird with his incredibly deep voice. Seto smacked him on the head.
"This is the only place we could go to get away from-" he started, but was cut off by a singsong voice.
"Seto! Yugi!" someone said, giggling. "I know you two are around here somewhere!"
Yugi howled in fear and clutched Tonni's arm.
"Tonni." Seto explained. "Tonni, you've gotta help us. Seth's gonna."
"There you guys are!"
Suddenly a girl with black hair that went down to her shoulders, wearing an army coat about three sizes too big for her stepped into view. She smiled while slurping up her ice-sucky and walked over to Seto and Yugi.
"Silly, silly!" she scolded lightly. She smiled at Tonni. "Hello, Lamont!" she said, patting the beautiful and intelligent narrator on the head. "Haven't seen you in a while!"
Hi, Seth. You been torturing Seto and Yugi again?
"Torturing?" Seth said, looking falsely astounded. "Oh heaven's no!" She giggled. "Of course I have, baka! What else do you think I'd be doing with these two?"
Not sure, not sure. Anyways, you know everyone, Seth, right?
"Uh-huh," Seth said, drinking her ice-sucky contently. "Hi, guysies!"
But everyone had backed away, slightly frightened of Seth's unspeakable presence. You see, next to the wonderful narrator and Yuki, she was the best at torturing anime characters.
"She tried to stick our heads in a dryer!" Seto said loudly, pointing a shaking finger.
Seth! You can't go around sticking heads into dryers!
Seth bowed her head solemnly.
"I know," she said.
Have I taught you nothing?
"I'm sorry, Tonni."
While this little turn of events was happening, Seto's and Yugi's grins were getting wider and wider, until.
You can't put their heads into the dryer before you put them in the washer, Flan! It's just not good common sense.
Seto and Yugi blinked, and then their jaws dropped in unison.
"Run, Yugi!" Seto screamed. "Run for your life!!!"
"I TOLD you Tonni was evil!" Yugi screamed. "I TOLD you God-people couldn't be trusted!"
They were about to run out of the very small scene (it's getting really crowded out here.) when they were stopped by Inu-Yasha, Sesshoumaru, Shippou, Ranma, and Vegeta.
"OH NO YOU TWO DON'T!!" Ranma and Inu-Yasha screamed.
"If we have to put up with her shit, then by God you will," Veggie said angrily.
Seto and Yugi cringed and backed up.
Tonni's World
Chapter One, In Which Prince Veggie Meets Tonni.
One day, Vegeta stood in the center of his backyard, being a complete dumbass, as usual.
"Hey!" he yelled angrily at the narrator, who is I. "What the hell is going on? And what's with the voice? It's all echoey and stuff."
Wow. What a vocabulary, huh?
"Stop that!" Vegeta screamed. "Who are you, anyway?"
I am God. As I was saying-
"God? Bullshit," he said, folding his arms across his chest.
Fine. My name's Tonni. Good enough for you, Veggie boy? But you shall call me God. OK?
"No!" Vegeta shouted. "You're not God! Where the hell are you, anyway?"
I am everywhere, Vegeta! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But anyways, whilst Vegeta was being a dumbass to the narrator, Bulma was getting undressed to take a shower inside of the house.
"What?" Vegeta screamed. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that before, whore?"
Ooh. you're pushing it, Veggie. God says-
"You're not God, bitch!" Vegeta yelled.
Ooh. you don't learn, do you? Ahem.
Suddenly five bionic, radioactive, superhuman, mutated cows landed on Vegeta's head. He screamed like a little girl as they proceeded to beat the crap out of our boy Vegeta.
"How the hell did you do that?" he asked angrily, booting the cows off to some other dimension.
I told you, I am God here! MWAHAHAHAHA!
"Um. OK," Vegeta said a little uncertainly. "Um. God? Tonni?"
Yes, my little puppet?
"Is Bulma really getting undressed inside the house?" he asked the narrator, who chuckled.
Not any more, silly! Now you've provoked me! Not a good choice. Ahem.
All of a sudden, Bulma came tearing out of the house with a frying pan in her hand. And, yes, she was fully clothed. She ran over to Vegeta and smacked him on the head with the pan, forming a huge lump.
"BASTARD!" she screamed at the top of her incredibly large lungs. Then she dashed back into the house.
Our favorite dumbass sat in the center of the yard, looking pitiful.
"Why'd you do that?!" he screamed.
Do what?
"Make her hit me with that frying pan, whore!"
Ooh. you pushed it just a little too far there, Veggie. I'm going to have to censor you now!
"What the bleep-" Vegeta started. "Bleep?! Why the bleep am I saying." but then his small brain processed what the narrator had said before.
"You censored me, you bleep!" he yelled.
I prefer God, thank you very much.
"Fine. God," Vegeta mumbled. "A frigging insane god, if you ask me."
I heard that. And if you call me frigging insane again, I will censor you- yet again.
"Sorry, God," Vegeta said apologetically.
You are forgiven. for now.
"So." Vegeta said. "What am I supposed to do now?"
I. oh, shit. I don't have a plot. Gimme a minute to think of one.
"What?! You mean I have to wait here while you think up a goddamn dilemma?"
Yes. Now shut-up. Hmmm. let's see. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, I got it! But before I continue my marvelous plot-type idea-thingy, I would like to bless Rumiko Takahashi for being such a goddamn genius.
"Oh, shit," Vegeta moaned. "You're making a Ranma ½ crossover, aren't you?"
Maybe, maybe not.
"YES, YOU ARE!" Vegeta yelled.
OK, OK! If you insist! Ahem.
"NO!" Vegeta screamed. "NOOOO!! I didn't mean it like that!"
I can't hear you.
"No, dammit, no!!!"
My name is not dammit, Veggie. It is God. Anyways, as I was saying.
Suddenly the sky turned a darkish-green. A huge portal opened, and out of it tumbled a panda and a redheaded girl with a long braid. They landed on the ground with a thud.
See, Veggie? See my power?!
Chapter Two, in Which Vegeta and Ranma Get a Dose of Tonni's Idea of Fun
Vegeta put his face in his hands.
The panda held up a sign. "Where are we?" it read.
You're in Tonni's world!
"AUGH!" the pigtailed girl screamed. "Who is that!?"
This is God, Ranma.
"GOD?!" Ranma yelled. "Holy shit, I'm dead???"
"She's. not. god." Vegeta said through gritted teeth.
Oh? Then who, pray tell, am I, dear Veggie?
"Satan," Vegeta answered promptly.
"NOOO!!!" Ranma sobbed. "I'm in hell!!"
Does this look like hell to you, Ranma?
Ranma sniffled. "No," he/she answered meekly.
Correct. This is not hell. Nor is it heaven, for that matter. It is Limbo.
"What the hell is Limbo?" Vegeta snapped.
Limbo is where all the unbaptized babies go. Sheesh, don't you guys know anything?"
The panda held up a new sign. "We're dead?!" it read.
Naw. I'm just playin' witcha. You're in a parallel universe is all.
"Oh," the panda's new sign read.
"How'd we get here?" Ranma asked, rubbing his/her head.
I sent you.
"How?"
I told you, I am God. I can do anything.
"Well, can you poof me up a bucket of cold water?" he/she asked.
Sure, sweetie. Ahem.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!" Vegeta screamed.
What's wrong, Asparagus Head?
"Don't you dare start with the 'Ahem's', whore!!"
Ooh. you pushed it a little too far there, Veggie. Censor time!
"NO!!!" Vegeta screamed. "No censoring!!!"
"What the hell is she talking about?" Ranma asked. "And can I please get-"
Cold water, coming right up for Ranma Satome!!
Suddenly a bucket of cold water fell from the sky. It landed on Ranma's head, splashing him/her with cold water. Instantly heesh was a guy again.
"Thank you, God!" Ranma sang cheerily.
No problem, hon! Now, back to Vegeta's potty-mouth trouble.
"NO!!!" Vegeta screamed. "Forget the potty-mouth trouble!!!"
Fine. But I'm still going to have to punish you, silly!
"Oh shit," Vegeta moaned.
And I think I have just come up with a new plot. rabid fan girls!!
"NOOOO!!!!!" Vegeta yelled.
Or maybe I could catapult Merai Trunks in here and we could have a fun little yaoi fic!!
"NOOOO!!!! Anything but that!!!!" Vegeta screamed desperately.
I don't know. it would be pretty fun to see you sliding your tongue down your future son's throat.
"Oh, come on!!!" Vegeta hollered. "Give me a goddamn break!!"
Maybe I will. because now I'm picking on Ranma.
"Me?" Ranma asked innocently.
Who else?
"Why are you gonna pick on me?" Ranma whined.
Cause Vegeta's getting boring. Ok by you, Satome?
"NO!!!" Ranma screamed. "NOT OK!!!!!!"
Can't hear you. Ahem.
Suddenly, out of apparently nowhere, a huge fireball catapulted in Ranma's direction. He tried to move, but his legs wouldn't let him. The fireball hit him with the force of a thousand ki blasts and drove him six feet into the ground.
"Oww," Ranma squeaked.
Aw, get up, Ranma. I am SSSOOOOOOO bored!! God, is there anything to do? I thought you guys would be fun to have around! That's why I put you here! How can anime characters be so boring???
"Yea, that's it!" Vegeta yelled. He poked Ranma in the ribs.
"Yes!" Ranma said. "We anime people are SSOOOO BORING! You don't want us, oh great lord-"
Ahem.
"Lady Tonni," Ranma corrected himself. "So why don't you just go back to Limbo or wherever you're from, and leave us to bore some other person?"
Ranma Satome, you're a frigging genius! I'll trade fictions with Yuki!
"Yuki?" Vegeta said, turning pale. "Who's she?"
Oh, she's doing an Inu-Yasha fiction just like this. She's the God over there. Only she's a little. well, she's a little more. colorful. than I am.
"Wait, you're not gonna trade us, are you?" Ranma said.
Yea. Like you guys said, you are really boring. YUKI!!!
"WAIT!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY COLORFUL!!??????!" Vegeta screamed.
YUKI!!!
Oh, here she comes!!! And look, she's bringing Sesshoumaru and Inu-chan too! And Kagome and Shippou! Ahem.
Chapter Three, In Which The Satome's Come to Know and Hate Yuki
Suddenly, a girl with short black hair and bright green eyes walked into Vegeta's backyard. Behind her walked another girl with longish, wavy black hair and blue-gray eyes, a tall demon with a moon embedded in his forehead wearing fancy armor, a small, fox-looking demon with a ponytail and feet like a fox's, and a short half-demon with white hair and golden-yellow eyes. His dog-like ears on top of his head fidgeted.
"Hey, those don't look like dog ears!" Ranma exclaimed. "He looks like a cat demon to me!"
The half-demon with the "dog" ears turned deep red and his hand went for the sword at his side.
The girl with the wavy black hair and gray-blue eyes opened her mouth, but the girl with the shorter hair interrupted her.
"Allow me," she insisted. Ranma and Vegeta, and even the dimwitted panda, realized that the girl had the same boomy, echoey voice of the beautiful and clever narrator, Tonni. The wavy-haired girl nodded in the direction of the shorthaired girl, who is Yuki.
"Sit," Yuki said. Instantly the "dog-demon" was face first in the grass.
"Fuck you, whore!" he screamed.
"Sit," the two girls said in unison. The "dog-demon" fell further into the ground.
"GODDAMMIT!!!!!!" he yelled, pounding his fists into the ground. "GODDAMMIT, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!"
Shut-up, Inu-chan.
"Hey, Tonni!" Yuki called. "You yelled for me?"
Yea, Yuki. You see, I catapulted Vegeta and the Satome's in here, and they're as boring as hell. Can I switch characters with you?
"No way!" Yuki yelled. "I like Sesshoumaru-chan! And Inu-Yasha, and everyone else!"
"No, no, no!" Shippou exclaimed, bouncing up and down. "Really! It's OK! You can have fun with the new anime characters! We won't feel bad!"
"No, no, no, silly Shippou!" Yuki fussed. "I would never give up the Inu- Yasha gang!"
"Aw, damn!" Shippou yelled, crossing his arms across his chest.
Where's Miroku? I thought that when you started you had him.
"I did," Yuki said simply.
Well then where the hell is he?
"He's dead," Yuki said.
"Yea," Inu-Yasha mocked. "She fucking killed him with a fireball. A FIREBALL, for Christ's sakes!!!!!"
Shut-up, Puppy!! I AM TALKING TO YUKI!!!!
"Go fuck a frog!" Inu-Yasha yelled back. Yuki opened her mouth, but I, Tonni, cut her off.
No, no, Yuki. I have a better idea. Hey, Yuki, didn't you have a Kagome look-alike fan girl before?
"Why, yes I did, Tonni!" Yuki said, smiling evilly.
"What are you going to do?!" Inu-Yasha screamed.
"We're going to have some fun." Yuki smiled. "Tonni, I think you should see this. Come out of the tree!"
Well. OK. Ahem.
Suddenly, out of the peach tree in the center of the yard-
"Hey!" Vegeta yelled. "Where the hell did that peach tree come from?! And where's my training capsule?! Where the hell did you put it?!"
You're wasting my time, Veggie! I will now make my entrance. Ahem.
Chapter Four, in Which Tonni is Introduced
Suddenly a young girl with white-blonde hair and purple streaks jumped out of the peach tree. And this girl is.
"You're Tonni??!!" Ranma screamed. "You're like, fifteen!"
Fourteen, Ranma. And exactly how old did you think I was?
"Well, I thought you'd be ancient!" Ranma screamed. "I can't believe a fourteen-year-old made a fool out of me like that!!!!!"
Hahaha. You lose, Satome.
"Dude, this just ain't fair!" Ranma bellowed. "I am the best martial artist in, like, everywhere!!!!! You can't do this to me!!"
Why, yes I can, Ranma. Speaking of which, can you tell dear, dear Genma to get his hands off of my ass?
"Oh," Ranma said tensely. He eyed his father, as did everyone.
The panda was drooling over the beautiful Tonni. Ranma booted him off into the sky.
Can I kill him, Ranma honey? Please, Ran-chan?
"Uh."
"Hey! That what I call him!"
Suddenly Ukyo stormed into the backyard. Her face was beet red and had swelled to twice its normal size.
"Ukyo?" Ranma said. "What're you-"
"Listen, you bitch!" Ukyo screamed at Tonni. "What the hell do you think you're doing, provoking my Ran-chan like that? It's unorthodox!"
I'm non-religious.
"Why you."
Ukyo, I would strongly suggest that you go screw a snail, because you won't be screwing anything else. Ever.
"Oh, that does it!!" Ukyo screamed. She advanced towards the beautiful narrator.
"Uh, Ukyo," Ranma said, holding her back. "I really wouldn't do that if I were you."
"I don't care!!!!!!!!"
Ran-chan, please step back. I think Ukyo's been too naughty to stay in my story.
"Uh-oh," Vegeta snickered.
Shut-up, Veggie. Ahem.
Suddenly a fat pimp landed on top of Ukyo. She was instantly killed by the impact. For a full two minutes, everyone except the beautiful narrator and Yuki stared.
"Y.you killed her." Ranma gasped.
No kidding, Ranma. You think?
"But. she was. my fiancé."
"Oh, please!!" Vegeta hollered. "Who cares? She was a pain in the ass anyway."
YEA!!!!! Finally there's someone who understands me!!! Go Veggie! Hey, maybe I'll actually keep your sorry ass until the end of the fic!!!
"That would be. uh."
"UNFAIR!!!!!!" Inu-Yasha screamed. "If HE gets to live, then I should! C'mon!!"
"Sit," Yuki muttered heatedly.
Smack.
"OH, HOW I HATE YOU FUCKING WHORES!! GOD I HATE YOU!!!"
You'll hate us more when we bring in the Kagome look-alike. Sorry, Kagome, but your out.
"What?!" Kagome screamed. "I CAN'T BE OUT!! I'M INU-CHAN'S LOVER!!!"
"Aw, why'd you have to go and say that?!" Inu-Yasha screamed. "Kill 'er, Tonni!!! Kill 'er!!"
I'm not gonna kill 'er, Inu-chan. She needs to find the Shikon no Tama. Naw, I'll just boot her like I did with Genma, my future father-in-law.
"WHAT??!!" Ranma screamed. "Oh, no! I am not marrying you!!!"
Why? Don't you think I'm pretty?
"Uh."
"Oh, shit, just boot the goddamn girl!" Prince Veggie screamed.
Shut-up. But I will boot her. Goodbye, Kagome.
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Kagome screamed.
Shut-up. Ahem.
Soon, Kagome was booted back off into her shrine and could not get back.
"Inu-chan!!" she howled. "Inu-chan."
Chapter Five,
In Which Yuki and Tonni have a Fight
"I can't believe you did that!" Yuki yelled.
Did what?
"That was my character, Tonni! I can't get her back now!"
Aw, shut-up and suck a monkey's nipple, Yuki.
Smack.
Ooh. Yuki, don't go 'round smacking me on the goddamn head! I'll murder you, girl! I appreciate your fan fiction like no one else, but you smack me one more time and I'll chop your head off.
"CATFIGHT!!!!!" Vegeta laughed. "Catfight!"
"Dude, this I gotta see!" Inu-Yasha said, shoving past Shippou. Sesshoumaru turned to him.
"'Dude?'" he said sarcastically.
"Shut-up."
Nobody's killing anybody, boys- "NOT FAIR!!!!!!" Veggie screamed. "I wanna see Yuki bitch-slap Tonni!" Do you now? Well that's lovely. But it's too bad, because- Suddenly Yuki punched Tonni as hard as she could. "That's for deleting my character!" I'll delete you, Yuki! "Just try me!!" Yuki screamed. Soon the two were in a huge cloud of dust. "Yea!" Veggie said, sitting in a chair and gulping down a beer. "This is real, quality entertainment!" "Wait!!" someone screamed. The troop of idiots whirled around and saw a jolly old fat policeman. Hi, Santa Clause! Where's your bag of presents? "Antonia Lamont?" the fat policeman asked the narrator. Yup, yup, yup! That's me!
"And Yuki. uh. Yuki?"
"Uh-huh," Yuki said, blowing some hair out of her eyes. She was obviously mad at being torn away from a decent fight by Santa Clause.
"Hey, how're you doin' that?" Police Enforcer Nicolas Clause asked the beautiful, yet slightly ruffled Tonni.
I am God! Isn't it cool?
"Uh." St. Nick said. "Sure. And the rest of you are.?"
"No one!" the others all screamed.
"We have nothing to do with either of them!" Shippou wailed, bawling his eyes out. "They can't even keep up a good story plot!!"
Yes we can!
"Yes we can!" Yuki screamed.
I said it first!
"No I did!"
I did!
"I did!"
I did!
"I did!"
Aw shut-up and fight you nasty little bitch!!!
Soon the cloud of dust was up and running again and Vegeta was sipping another beer, and every man in the scene except for Santa Clause was content. Suddenly the dust cloud fell on top of St. Nick and soon he was pulled into the fighting. Shippou, Sesshoumaru, Inu-Yasha, Ranma, and Vegeta were all laughing their asses off until.
Chapter Six,
In Which the Running and Loss of Powers Intensify
OHMIGODOHMIGOD! Santa's dead! Me and Yuki killed him! We KILLED HIM!
"Are. are you sure he's dead?" Ranma said, poking the fat corpse gently. "I mean, maybe he's sleeping."
"He's not sleeping, you little fucker!" Vegeta yelled. "If he were fucking asleep, he would be fucking breathing!"
"Stop the cussing!" Yuki screamed. "It hurts my fucking ears!" She gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh shit, now you've got me going! Dammit, Veggie!!"
We killed him, we killed him! Shit, that's gonna add to my criminal record-
"C. you have. have you." Inu-Yasha stuttered.
"You've. done this before?" Ranma continued.
Well, not this exact situation, but it was close. If you ever talk to Yugi or some of those Bey Bladers guys, you'll get a pretty good idea of my record so far.
"Oh shit, we're such toast!" Vegeta yelled. "You got us in such deep shit, Tonni! Damn it all! RRRGGG!!! I don't know about you guys, but I'm out of this story."
Suddenly Veggie started to try to fly away, but.
"What the hell!?!?!?!" Vegeta screamed, stomping on the ground. "Why can't I fly?! Tonni, don't ground me!!!"
I didn't! I don't know why the hell you can't fly!
"Wh. what?" Vegeta said, his eyes drooping quite a bit. "What do you mean, you didn't do it?!?!"
I didn't make it so that you can't fly, Veggie! Sheesh! Don't jump to conclusions.
"BUT NO ONE ELSE COULDA GROUNDED ME, WHORE!!!!!!" Pinkie the Macho Man screamed, pulling out fistfuls of his hair.
I don't know, honestly. what do you think, Ranma?
"That the real God is coming on that huge fireball," Ranma said, his eyes widening as the huge comet-type thing hit him with full force.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Ranma squealed.
"Because you always state the obvious," Sesshoumaru said, prodding at his charred body.
Suddenly two figures jumped from the comet and the ball of fire disappeared. Ranma struggled to his feet, while Shippou ran in little circles around him, singing:
"OHHH. HIS ASS IS ON FIRE AND GOD HATES HIM!!! WHO IS HE??? RANMA!!!"
"Shut-up. brat." Ranma said, smacking Shippou on the head. The little fox demon cackled and stuck a magic scroll on Ranma's head, causing the young Satome to fall on him face into the smoldering ground. Inu-Yasha, who has almost been forgotten in this story, laughed and laughed and laughed.
Um. I don't think that those two are God, guys.
And indeed, the brilliant narrator was correct!!
Suddenly Seto and Yugi stepped out of the shadows, smirking smugly with their arms folded across their chests. Well, Seto was standing, smirking, and looking confident. Yugi, on the other hand, was shivering in terror.
"I. I don't like. Tonni." he whimpered, which was incredibly strange on account of it sounded so weird with his incredibly deep voice. Seto smacked him on the head.
"This is the only place we could go to get away from-" he started, but was cut off by a singsong voice.
"Seto! Yugi!" someone said, giggling. "I know you two are around here somewhere!"
Yugi howled in fear and clutched Tonni's arm.
"Tonni." Seto explained. "Tonni, you've gotta help us. Seth's gonna."
"There you guys are!"
Suddenly a girl with black hair that went down to her shoulders, wearing an army coat about three sizes too big for her stepped into view. She smiled while slurping up her ice-sucky and walked over to Seto and Yugi.
"Silly, silly!" she scolded lightly. She smiled at Tonni. "Hello, Lamont!" she said, patting the beautiful and intelligent narrator on the head. "Haven't seen you in a while!"
Hi, Seth. You been torturing Seto and Yugi again?
"Torturing?" Seth said, looking falsely astounded. "Oh heaven's no!" She giggled. "Of course I have, baka! What else do you think I'd be doing with these two?"
Not sure, not sure. Anyways, you know everyone, Seth, right?
"Uh-huh," Seth said, drinking her ice-sucky contently. "Hi, guysies!"
But everyone had backed away, slightly frightened of Seth's unspeakable presence. You see, next to the wonderful narrator and Yuki, she was the best at torturing anime characters.
"She tried to stick our heads in a dryer!" Seto said loudly, pointing a shaking finger.
Seth! You can't go around sticking heads into dryers!
Seth bowed her head solemnly.
"I know," she said.
Have I taught you nothing?
"I'm sorry, Tonni."
While this little turn of events was happening, Seto's and Yugi's grins were getting wider and wider, until.
You can't put their heads into the dryer before you put them in the washer, Flan! It's just not good common sense.
Seto and Yugi blinked, and then their jaws dropped in unison.
"Run, Yugi!" Seto screamed. "Run for your life!!!"
"I TOLD you Tonni was evil!" Yugi screamed. "I TOLD you God-people couldn't be trusted!"
They were about to run out of the very small scene (it's getting really crowded out here.) when they were stopped by Inu-Yasha, Sesshoumaru, Shippou, Ranma, and Vegeta.
"OH NO YOU TWO DON'T!!" Ranma and Inu-Yasha screamed.
"If we have to put up with her shit, then by God you will," Veggie said angrily.
Seto and Yugi cringed and backed up.