A LONG time coming—Ranger version
As a writer, you have to like your characters in order to write about them. You have to try to understand them. You have to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their feelings and emotions. So many of you, my wonderful, loyal readers, have commented on the fact that I pay attention to detail, I really express what the characters are feeling, and that I write in a style that makes you feel as if you are a part of the scene, instead of just reading it.
That's the best compliment anyone can give me. I grin and read (and reread) those comments every time I'm feeling low.
However, because of my willingness to do the research and really put myself in each character's shoes, I'm always a little surprised when you guys completely miss a point because you're rushing to defend one character versus another. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't happen over Chapter 54. I was really worried, to the point that I debated releasing that chapter at all, but I felt that it would be unfair to Ranger not to put his POV out there. It's his lifestyle and the Ranger (and Special Forces) way of life. It deserved to be heard. Perhaps it's me, and my training, but I always try to remain even-handed. I try to remain fair to both Ranger and Steph.
So, this is my version of a rant, which I consider more a character explanation than anything else. This is entirely Ranger focused. This is the background and understandings that I use as a part of creating Ranger. This is the information and understanding of Ranger's psyche that I feel when I write him in this story. You may feel that this comes across as beating up on Steph but no, I continue to love Steph. I love her as a person and as a character, but this is not about her. This is about Ranger and his experiences and what he sees, thinks and feels. Stephanie will have her own version of this 'rant', where I will not excuse Ranger's behavior.
Brace yourselves.
Because I have the feeling that this will get lost in translation, there are a few points that Ranger is musing.
1. Ranger's objection to a relationship with Stephanie was because Steph does not value herself.
He didn't want her to substitute his love and faith in her for love and faith in herself. He wanted her to love herself and care about her own life, which is the same thing BLT wants, the same thing the Merry Men want (to be explained within the story later), and the same thing her friends and family want. Everyone wants Steph to learn to value herself.
Because Steph does not value herself, she does not respect herself or anyone around her. She continually placed herself in dangerous situations with no plans to get out or save herself. She used and abused the two men in love with her. She failed to take the most basic precautions to protect her own life but continually relied on family and friends to save her, which they did because they valued her life. Because her life had no meaning to her (except under imminent danger), she continued to place everyone around her at risk. That's why this story started with Tank finally saying, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Ranger knew that Steph's low sense of self-worth was the problem underlying Steph's issues and that's not something he can give her or fix. BLT figured it out that morning at her apartment, which is why Lester changed the approach so quickly. This is the true value of Les's plan. It's giving Steph a chance to build the necessary belief in her self-worth all on her own. It's just had massive side benefits (that Ranger still doesn't know about) for RangeMan.
After all, if you don't love yourself, how can anyone else? If she didn't love herself and was dependent on his opinion and belief in her self-worth to sustain her, how would she survive if he took a year-long mission? How would she survive a six-month mission? He's seen fellow Rangers destroyed emotionally because their wives couldn't take it. He wants to make sure Steph is prepared and, in his mind, doing this is a way to give her an opportunity to experience the loneliness and uncertainty she might feel when he's gone.
He expected Steph's emotional breakdown because he knew she wouldn't be likely to reach out to his men or her friends for help. Steph would attempt to hide her feelings and make it through on her own ('never let them see you cry' syndrome at work). That's why he prepped Ella before he left. Ella would be able to talk to Steph and guide her through this in a way that was gentle and appropriate for Steph.
The Wednesday night argument in Chapter 54 is a classic example. They were having a good week with each other, learning to live together and work together, separate but equal, spending time together, being romantic but how did it end? With an argument over personal responsibility and Steph taking her life seriously. I wrapped the argument around Lula to disguise it, but that's what the argument was really about and that's why Ranger ended up frustrated. Because Steph still didn't appear to take her life seriously and that what he wants most.
Ranger said it in Chapter 54: Babe has never shown that she's good for the long haul in anything that she's done, except bounty hunting, and she does that in a way that scares the hell out of me. She did that in a way that had convinced me that she didn't care if she lived or died. In order for Ranger to feel safe in this relationship, he needs to know that Steph takes her life seriously and this is the first time he's seen her making some changes since Miami. He's only seeing glimpses. Of course he's questioning what he's seeing, just as Steph is questioning his words. Both are questioning each other because this is the first time they've seen each other since they both made the commitment to themselves to try for the sake of this relationship.
Ranger understands Steph in a way that is deep and personal. He sucks at saying it but he shows it, time and time again.
"You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself."
Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon, one of those books I slogged through, but that quote stuck. If you want more information on self-worth (which is not the same as self-esteem) and how to develop it, check my profile for the link.
2. How was Ranger supposed to know Steph even loved him?
He's been taking a chance all along, been open to her all along. I treat his craptacular statements to her as the words of a man who loves a woman but he's trying to protect his own heart (and yes, before all of you come after me with pitchforks, I do recognize that Steph did not understand it that way. She saw repeated rejection. This is a point I'll hit much later in the series, trust me).
After all, we all know Ranger's told her he loves her. Yes, he says it in multiple other languages, but I was able to find at least one reference in canon when he's asked, in English, and he admits that he does love her and doesn't back away from it (Sizzling Sixteen). Does anyone have a reference in canon when Steph tells him she loves him? One? I found no references to Steph ever saying it to him (if you have one, please tell me. I pretend the series stopped at 13, but I force myself to read beyond it for good Ranger quotes). And honestly, who didn't know what te amo meant before Hector translated? That one is basic. Combined with the yo-yo situation with Morelli, wouldn't you begin to wonder if you're just being used? Think about her actions the weekend Morelli called it quits. Even she recognized she uses Ranger.
He provides for her, directly, by giving her cars and guns. He provides men to protect her and ensures she has a job whenever she needs money. He refills her gas tank and ensures she has food. He does things to ensure she has what she needs. Indirectly he's swallowed his disdain for Morelli to ensure that his career didn't end up in the toliet after the murder allegations. Most cops accused of murder end up riding a desk. Instead Morelli's had excellent opportunities, orchestrated by Ranger, to ensure his career would continue to grow and improve just in case Steph ever chose Morelli over him. Ranger's ensured that Steph, the woman he'd only slept with once, was cared for in the event of his death. He's arranged for her to inherit in tandem with Julie should anything happen to him.
That's love. Wanting the best for someone, even if you can't be with them, is love at it's deepest.
3. Morelli was Steph's emotional security blanket, AKA Steph FAILS to communicate with Joe and Ranger.
Whenever Ranger confused her or frustrated her, she ran back to Morelli because at least she knew what his expectations were. Ranger's problem is ambiguous communication. Steph's is complete lack of communication. Ranger's made it clear what a relationship with him would entail and she never thought about his words. She just got mad and walked away.
My all-time favorite statement: "My love doesn't come with a ring, but a condom might be handy." My interpretation has always been: I love you, but I don't see us getting married anytime soon. If you're OK with that, then OK. In the meantime, neither of us is ready for kids, so let's be responsible and not put ourselves in that position. That's exactly what Steph is looking for but I guess she just doesn't want to hear that said bluntly. She doesn't want to hear 'permanent girlfriend status' although that's exactly what she wants.
What's the difference between Ranger saying that to her (bluntly and openly) and Steph doing that to Morelli? No guts to say it aloud, but she wasn't interested in the ring, was she? Condom? Yes. Ring? No. Ranger's statement was clear and he had enough respect for her to tell her and allow her to make a decision. It pissed her off but at least she knew not to expect a proposal.
Steph didn't respect Morelli enough to tell him; she just let him hang on and hope that she might one day say yes. No matter what your feelings for Morelli, that's cold and if that happened to someone you knew personally, you would be angry and offended on their behalf. No one should be the backup plan (to quote ML).
Chapter 8: God Hates Me:
I'm not ready to marry again, but I love him and for him it's over until I'm ready to make a permanent commitment. I don't want a permanent commitment. I like this loose thing we have going.
and
I loved him but we were in a relationship because I wanted commitment but not permanence. I wanted something more than casual sex but less than marriage. Ranger required a condom; Joe required a ring. I wanted commitment . . . and the condom.
It felt real to Steph, to who she is as a person, that when I wrote those statements no one called her out on it. So tell me how those statements are different from "My love doesn't come with a ring, but a condom might be handy"?
Second all-time favorite statement? "My life does not lend itself to relationships." My interpretation: My life is a hodgepodge of different shit. I run a major company, I accept government contracts, my woman constantly blows shit up, won't fuck me, but fucks my rival, and I have to sneak around to see my daughter. This is my life. It's complicated. Relationships in this clusterfuck are HARD and I have them with the men who share my life and training because they know. They understand.
I think that's probably about right.
Again, Ranger is truthful with her. Now that she's living Ranger's life, she sees it. She doesn't get to see her friends and family like she wants. She doesn't get to do what she wants. Why? Because running RangeMan (as Ranger was running it) is a massive headache. Let's not even discuss the government contracts. Ranger's life sucks and Steph broke after four months in charge. When she broke what was her first thought?
What kind of relationship is this? With the man I love constantly gone? What do I get in this life? At least with Joe I know he'll be home every night, unless he's undercover. Life with Joe isn't looking so bad all of a sudden. At least with Joe, I'll know where he is. He's stateside. Ranger? Who the hell knows?
Hello emotional security blanket! Soooo….This is the life she was already leading, right? What's the difference? That's what she said to Ranger after Point Pleasant but it looks a bit different from the inside, doesn't it?
This is exactly what Ranger was afraid of. He knew she had no clue but he put his heart on the line and chanced it anyway. As Ella said, Ranger made his choice and he lived with it. Ranger's been doing it for how long? But again, he was truthful with Steph. He didn't lie. His communication is crystal clear (My life does not lend itself to relationships) even if the meaning was ambiguous.
What did Steph do? She treated that as "I don't want a relationship" and went back to Morelli and that's not what Ranger said. Even a simple "What does that mean?" might have gotten her more information but she never asked. Now that she's living his life, she sees the compromises that can be made to allow them a relationship. She sees the changes that can be made. All it took was a little effort, which started with Steph finally opening her mouth and telling Ranger that he had her heart. When she did that, what did he do? He said, OK after making sure she understood who he was not.
Even before the psyop, he was willing to give her a shot after his assignment was complete. He had already determined that he would put himself on the line and try. Simply because she finally told him she loved him (in her own Steph-sort of way).
Now, what does Steph do? She refuses to tell Morelli what she needs in a relationship, leaving him unable to determine what he needs to do or change in order to have a successful relationship with her. She ducks his proposals and moves in and out on him. She breaks up for the smallest reasons (really? Peanut butter? You guys couldn't work that out?) and they fight over the smallest things. How in the world can you have an adult relationship with her?
Joe's frustrated. Steph's frustrated. Neither knows how to communicate but Joe has no idea what Steph wants. Steph knows what Joe wants and she doesn't want it but has she ever, in canon, told Joe what she wants? Actually, she makes an assumption about what Joe wants because, again, I've not found a single reference, in canon, where he actually tells her he wants his wife to be a stay-at-home mom and housewife. Instead, the only bit of growth in canon has come from Joe, who accepted that Steph wants to continue to do the job (in the later books). His issue was that she continually did it without training or backup.
Chapter 7: It Hurts
What is he offering you that is so tempting it keeps you running between us? I don't see it. I don't know. I can't fight it. And I'm angry. I'm really really angry. I'm boxing shadows. I'm a good boxer but I need something solid to hit.
And
I'm desperate to have you and love you and give you my heart and have yours in return and you're desperate to remain independent. You want to remain independent but what does that mean? You don't want marriage, you don't want kids, you don't want a steady job, what the fuck do you want? Do you know? I know Dickie did a number but that was years ago and I feel as if I'm paying for Dickie's mistakes. You refuse to do anything that might even hint at a life beyond starving college student and I don't understand why. I have no interest in Joyce and we don't have to buy a dining room table if that's what you're afraid of.
I honestly don't know how anyone could read those words and not feel the smallest bit of sympathy for Joe. He honestly has no idea what she wants. Maybe, just maybe he might drop his expectation of a Burg-style relationship if he had a clue what she wanted. Maybe they would have broken up sooner if he knew what she wanted. Maybe he would have compromised in order to make their relationship work.
If he knew what she wanted.
Joe had enough and finally told her what he wants but again, lack of communication. If it's over, tell Mrs. Morelli so she can pass the message along. If it's not, say so. Tell him something. Isn't that what everyone wants Steph to do for Ranger? Tell him that she made her choice? That she's sticking with him? That she loves him?
You've read their week together. She had a prime opportunity. Ranger popped up to see her because he was worried about her. He told her he was worried about her. He told her that, in a pinch, he'll come if she needs him. He said that if she wanted to talk about their relationship he was ready. Did she have to discuss the things on Ella's list? No. Did she say any of the basic things to him that she could have?
Ranger told her he loved her. Repeatedly. He made the effort. He tried his best. He communicated. He showed emotions! What did Steph do? Did Steph even tell him she was sticking with her choice? That she loved him too? Anything?
Steph fails to communicate, Ranger continues to wait for her to make an effort, and Morelli continues his role as emotional security blanket, waiting for the moment when he'll be discarded.
I have lots of little examples like that. Steph is more like Ranger than she wants to admit and she (and we) apply a double standard to their relationship. We rake Ranger over the coals for saying, openly and honestly, to Steph the same stuff that Steph does to Morelli. Ranger is upfront and open with Steph, trying to allow her to make a decision, which she always runs from. She takes his words in the worst possible way and doesn't ask simple questions that would provide her some clarity. Steph dodges Joe's demands and expectations and fails to communicate honestly with him, leaving him frustrated and in the dark about their relationship and what's going on between them.
This is a failing of JE, in my opinion, but necessary to keep this insane triangle going.
4. The 70% divorce rate number may be slightly exaggerated but divorce among special operations men is extremely high, outsized for the military and divorce in the military is up 25% in the past 10 years. It's a fact of life for these men and the blogs, discussion boards, and groups of Ranger wives/SEAL wives/Green Beret wives I found all bear it out. It's a rough life. In a lot of cases, these guys won't even marry their girlfriends until they've lived through one or two tours, so their girlfriends can really see what they're taking on, hence the reference to the 'return receipt'. I found that on one board and it stuck with me.
This is also why I asked everyone to read the USA Today article I placed in the Author's note before commenting. I'm not excusing Ranger (don't get me wrong there); I'm asking that all of you remember that the man has been trained not to talk and not to show his emotions. Ranger's ability to compartmentalize his life has been what has made him legendary and kept him alive. It's a skill of the best military men and espionage agents and they spend years honing it. Breaking those defenses down for Steph is going to require a lot of mental and emotional re-wiring on his part, especially as he is still out in the field as a mercenary. He's trying to do something that the military is just now recognizing as a major problem for their Spec Ops men, but again, we hold Ranger to a higher standard than Steph.
We expect him to simply drop years of training and conditioning that we, the American public, paid for. Not happening, people. It's just not going to happen. Ranger has slowly but surely started opening up to Steph but there will only be so much that Ranger will be able to break down. He will never be entirely open with Steph. There will always be things he's unwilling to tell her and parts of his life that he will keep from her. His first instinct will never be to start talking. Because that would be tantamount to discarding years of training.
Once a Ranger, always a Ranger.
I talked this over with my father, former military (not a Ranger, though) and he just stared at me. Finally, once he got the truth and had a good laugh, he said, "What your character, Ranger will do is create another persona especially for her. He will never share his core because it is the essence of him and, if he's been trained well, it will be impossible for him to open that up to anyone. However, he'll create a persona, a shell, that will be just for Stephanie. It will be the closest copy of his core personality, beliefs, hopes, dreams, and fears as he dare create for anyone else in the world and that will be the side of him she gets. She'll come closest but he'll never be able to share everything with her." I asked how she should take it and he said, "She'll never know. She need never know."
My dad shook his head and just looked at me and I had the feeling I was about to hear something I didn't want to hear, but I persevered for you guys.
"The problem with romantic relationship with military men is that you women expect to be told everything. You want to know everything. You want to have all of him. Personally, I blame all those ridiculous romantic comedies for giving you those stupid ideas—" I made a face, Daddy changed tack "Well, it won't happen. Do you really want your character to talk about the death and destruction he's committed all the world over? About the soul-rotting guilt you have the first time you pull the trigger and take someone else's life? About the fact that, in order to survive combat and come home, you have to accept your death? Every soldier who's been in combat has accepted their death. They are truly 'dead men walking' because they accept the moment everyone else fights against. She doesn't need to know the gritty details. He may talk about his fears, some of the things he's seen in a generic sense, and his hopes for the future, but reliving that stuff, even for her, will not happen. She's not trained or experienced to handle that."
Dad's last words? "Your mom has accepted that I will never talk about my military service. Doesn't mean our relationship is any less loving for that. Simply means that there's a part of my life I won't share because she doesn't need to know. Your mother has accepted that she won't know and she doesn't constantly bug me for that information. She respects me and leaves that alone. She knows everything else."
I respect my father's opinion and his thoughts on Ranger and I decided to retain that as a part of Ranger's character. It made sense, considering Ranger already has two personas, Ranger and Carlos. He already told her that she alone has Carlos and Carlos is the man closest to Ranger's core. Carlos worries about Ranger (if that makes any sense) and is scared and nervous about opening up to Steph. He's already begun doing so but he needs to see effort. Ranger needs to see effort before Carlos is truly Stephanie's.
I'll have Ranger drop all his training and expertise the moment someone tells me that they're OK with Steph becoming a Burg clone. The moment I get one email stating that it's OK for Steph to drop all her dreams in life and never choose to fly again and look forward to popping out baby after baby and cooking endless ziti will be the day I write that scene and end this story.
That's just how unlikely it is.
They've both been divorced before. This is not their first relationship but they're each trying. I'm sure everyone is wondering why I didn't have Steph or Ranger open up over the weekend and talk about some of their fears. Simple answer? They aren't ready for that yet. They both have to push past their fear of rejection and hurt before that happens. They need more time together, as a couple instead of friends, to get to that point. They've been friends, best friends, for a long time but even though they've been intimate with each other and they love each other, each is still holding back. They don't feel secure in this relationship yet.
The counterpoint to this is the Lula/Tank relationship. Tank is also asking Lula to live with him before marriage (well, his momma got her to agree. Close enough.). Lula is getting a chance to see what life with Tank is like. She's getting a chance to see how lonely it might be with no friends around and her in-laws six hours away. Lula will have to find ways to fill her time outside shopping and RangeMan and yet you guys are cheering Lula. I've not put Lula in the same situation as Steph. Wait till I remove Tank from the picture. Can Lula handle it? Or will Lula run?
Now, some other points I, the writer, want to clear up.
1. Ranger knew Steph would break and he prepped Ella. He didn't tell Hector because Hector would have attempted to prevent it, which was the wrong thing to do. She needed to break in order to come to some realizations about her life, his life, and how she wanted to move forward. That's also why Les didn't tell Hector what to do. Les assumed (correctly) that Ranger prepped for this and they didn't want Hector to try to prevent it. If they'd told Hector, Hector would not have understood this. This is an element of Hector's character that they understood and anticipated.
Hector would have attempted to meet the need but that, ultimately, would have sabotaged their efforts. He loves his partner; he would not want to see her hurt, regardless of the reason, and he would have seen this as hurting her. To give an analogy: The mental and emotional break that Ranger and Les expected is akin to a butterfly breaking through the chrysalis to emerge. If you don't understand what the butterfly is doing, it simply looks as if it's home is being destroyed. That emotional break was necessary for Steph to advance to the next phase of her life, but it had to be done gently and it could not be stopped.
That's why Ranger wished Hector had served with them; if he had, he would have understood Ranger's reluctance. Les does, which is why he's not pushing Ranger but he is asking Hector to nudge him. Hector's nudging a bit harder than Les would like (and Les doesn't know that) because he and Ella also have a plan running. Is Hector right for bludgeoning Ranger with reminders to romance Steph? Hell yeah! That's what it will take for Ranger to start thinking about and accepting the idea that he needs to make an effort outside what he already does. (more on this later.)
2. Ella was the person to take Steph to the beach for a few reasons. One, Ella is the only person around that Steph will not fight under any circumstance. If Ella tells her to do something, Steph will do as instructed. Two, the problem was being the only woman in the building all the time. Lester's plan to dominate Steph's entire environment worked and it was too much. Hal's "days out" prolonged the inevitable. Steph needed quiet and female companionship and the only other person who would have been able to provide that was Connie, which leads to reason three.
Ella is an older, happily married woman. Ranger was slick in asking Ella to help instead of someone else. The decisions Steph needed to make all involved both her business and personal life and Ranger is a factor in both of those decisions. Ella is the only person who could guide Steph through that in a non-confrontational, supportive manner. Ella provided Steph with the kudos she needed about how she was handling business and gave her a reason to stay. Ella also encouraged her, subtly, not to give up on making standards by pointing out how well she was doing, that she, Stephanie, was the inspiration for the new NYC men, and by pointing out that everyone was supporting her, whether she knew it or not.
As far as Steph's personal life, Ella gave her a way to make decisions about her life with Ranger that left everything up to Steph. She didn't tell Stephanie what to do (as a matter of fact, she even acknowledged that Stephanie really had two men to decide between instead simply assuming Steph had chosen Ranger, another reason Steph loves Ella). She gave Steph a framework to make her decision, then reminded her that she will need to show her love for whoever she chooses. Romance is not a one way thing.
Ranger is jealous of Luis and Ella and he would like his relationship with Steph to operate like that but he recognizes that it won't. Still, his cousins are his ideal because they are two independent people who have made their marriage work. Ella has worked with and around the Trenton RangeMen for so long that she understands the Spec Ops men better than anyone else. She can help where no one else can.
3. Another thing I'd like to point out is Tank and Lula. I set this relationship up as the counterpart for two reasons. Number one, I hate the characterizations of Lula as some stupid, fat, slobby idiot. Lula survived years on the streets, so she isn't stupid. She's a survivor. Also, Lula is just as brave as Steph (you'll see it more as we go on); her willingness to help Steph when they first met, even knowing the consequences of her actions, is proof of her bravery because she could have kept her mouth shut, just as Jackie did. She continues to attempt to better herself but like Steph, she has her own demons to fight. Those two are friends for good reasons.
Second, Tank and Lula are traveling the same road Ranger and Steph are. Tank is just now revealing his past to Lula; Ranger's already largely done that. Tank is showing her what it will be like to live with him all the time; Ranger's doing that now, although you could debate the 'living together' part right now. Tank's trying to open up and share more with Lula; same for Ranger. If you really read between the lines of the Tank/Lula story, you should see all the upcoming fights between Ranger and Steph.
The difference between Lula and Steph is Lula will not back down from an argument and she will force Tank to talk. Steph runs from any deep discussions of feelings. Remember what Edna said about her husband, Frank, and Ranger? This is a function of her family, people. We are talking about having to overcome hard-wiring in both Steph and Ranger. I might joke about Tank needing cold compresses after talking, but it's really not a joke. Tank has also been trained not to talk (and he was a naturally quiet kid to start with) and he's really putting in effort to do so now. He just has his Momma and Lula pushing him and when he feels he's done a good job communicating (or he knows he's about to have to talk a lot), he has sex (better than any Tylenol). Ranger has Hector and his own desire not to lose Steph pushing him.
The difference in their journeys is Lula has a hair-trigger fighting spirit. She's not used to being handed happiness, so she's more willing to take Tank on. That's why they seem to be speeding down the road to making adjustments faster than Ranger and Steph, but that's in line with their personalities. Steph and Ranger are too cautious with each other right now to fight. Lula and Tank have been dating, on and off, for years. Steph and Ranger have been flirting. Ranger recognizes he'll need to make adjustments (and has been doing it, subconsciously, for years) but this is an area where Steph will need to guide him. He'll make the adjustments needed to keep her in his life as long as she's willing to communicate what she needs. He told her that (in Spanish, yes, but he said it). You can't guess in a relationship. You know the saying about making assumptions: makes an ass out of u and me.
4. I would like to make a plea for everyone to stop equating Steph's performance as CO as a sign or indicator of her worth. It's dangerous. After all, so many people wrap their entire identity and self-worth in themselves in their work and they are devastated when they are fired, demoted, let go, RIF'd, or in some way removed from their positions. They literally have no idea who they are outside of their jobs.
This is the point I began making with Jorge. Jorge is a man who reached the pinnacles after a very rough start in life, but his sense of self-worth and value wasn't broken after he lost everything. He bounced back, rallied back, and when presented with a new opportunity, took it with both hands and ran. Most people in his position might have given up and accepted anything. Instead, he resisted accepting the strategist job until he knew what it would entail. He needed to ensure that this position was right for him.
This is what I want for Steph: for her to gain the backbone and respect for herself necessary for her to see her value no matter what happens to her. The CO job is helping her build her self-worth and repair her self-esteem, but it's not an indicator of her value.
So, I discussed this mini-rant with my beta, brownc0at, and she wrote:
I agree completely that your entire self-worth can't be wrapped up in your job or in another person, but those things can't be taken out of the equation entirely, right? I mean, I'm just wondering what all is left. "I'm a hard worker," "I'm successful at the things I do," "Someone decent loves me," those seem like good things to tell yourself. I feel like no matter how much you try to believe in yourself or trust yourself, without some kind of outside encouragement or actual proof to point to and say "Look what I did," it's damn hard. That's part of why I get so pissed at Ranger - yeah, I don't know how you tell someone they need to learn to love themselves, but she has no clue here, and I can only imagine how confusing that must be. If I was her, I'd probably be under the impression that it was all about the guns and the running and the salads, because that's all she's heard definitively that he would like to see. She'd end up so focused on that stuff, these specific goals she needs to meet, and then what? How do you get from there to loving herself? I just feel like he has to give her some clearer idea of what he wants. That's a totally separate issue from him needing to romance her.
My response:
You're right. Getting from guns and salad to self-love is difficult. Most people never manage it. Other people struggle. I struggle with it, but I'm a work in progress. However, one of the things that's been most helpful in my life was failing early. I didn't get the job out of college that I wanted and I broke. My hopes and dreams were tied to that and when I broke, I was lucky that one of my best friends and mentors is a licensed counselor. I stayed at her house for days, crying, and finally she told me to get up and move on. That the job I wanted didn't define who I was and I needed to decide my next step.
Best thing to ever happen. My job is my job. I don't define myself by it because I'm now on job #8. I've progressed up the ladder steadily and not allowed myself to get stuck. I have a skill set that I can take anywhere. I try, daily, not to allow myself to get too tied to things that don't matter because circumstances change.
That's why I don't want everyone to continue to make a big deal about Steph's performance as CO. Because they're equating that with her worth right now, which is wrong and dangerous. That's why BLT isn't doing it. They're reminding her that they trust her judgment, that they know she'll do what's right, which is an affirming statement of her self. What I want to get Steph around to is self-affirmations like
-My life matters.
-I make my decisions. I decide my life.
-I'm not a joke. I'm not crazy. I'm not someone to be messed with. I matter in the world.
-Ranger loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is. I don't want to change him and I refuse to allow him to change me.
-I work hard at my job, I enjoy what I do, and I'm good at it
-I have a lot of really good, really loyal friends who are there for me through thick and thin.
-I can make a difference.
-My family loves me (even if they're crazy).
Those first three are definite statements of self-worth. They are unconnected to anything else and that's hard to realize, but it's important. This is what Ranger couldn't get her (or force her) to see. That's why this job as CO is so good for her. By pulling her out of the sight of the Burg and having her work at RangeMan, she's now in a supportive environment that acts as a positive echo chamber. The guys love and support her and they show it by cheering for her, sending her flowers, and ensuring that they're prepared to help her in any way that they can. Joyce and the Pine Barrens, anyone? Danny and Jase drove 12 hours for an op that lasted a single hour, but they were there to support her. The RangeMan brotherhood is feeding her feelings of positive self-worth and self-esteem, but she was so accustomed to only getting that from Ranger that she only saw what she wasn't getting, not what she was receiving. Ella had to point that out to her, that the men love her and that she is the example for someone else.
Her only Burg forays were dinner at her parent's house. Even now, these weeks at the beach are about her and her needs. Since she's not responding to Burg demands and expectations, she's growing and changing and Ranger sees it, which is why he's so thrilled (and scared, honestly). She's getting there and he'll start making an effort to romance her more. He'll start opening up and putting his heart on the line for her, which will give her a sense of what he wants in a relationship. Her family already sees it, which is why her parents and Edna are so happy. Val is concerned because her sister is turning into someone she doesn't recognize, someone much stronger than before. Steph's new sense of self-confidence shows and the Burg is confused, which is why they want to know what she's doing in that building.
Some of those self-affirmations she's already good at, but she approaches them from the aspect of a bratty teenager rebelling against Mom, only she's substituting Ranger for Mom as an adult. That's why it's so important for her to break that habit. She fights about the unimportant stuff and allows herself to be railroaded on the important stuff. Only when she knows her own worth can she stand up to Ranger, as an equal, and demand a say in their relationship. Otherwise, Ranger will always run her over. He has a strong sense of self and a strong personality. She has to be able to stand up to that.
At the end of the day, your job is your job. If you wrap your identity in your job, you hobble yourself. Steph's is being paid to be the CO and it turns out she's doing an outstanding job. Excellent! This is also an aspect of Steph's character that I, personally, have never liked. Ranger gives and gives and gives to Steph in order to help her professionally, but aside from solving the robbery case, what has Steph ever done for RangeMan that has helped Ranger's company? I know you guys don't like me to continually harp on it, but facts are facts: Steph was a drain on the company.
So another reason I wanted Steph to run the company was to allow her to give Ranger (and BLT) back some of the professional support and encouragement they've always given her. She's fixing problems and adding value back to the company, ensuring that the men have jobs for years to come. Ranger's always told her there was no price to what they gave each other, but if you were keeping a running account, then Steph's finally begun to pay back some of what Ranger's always given her.
BLT is recognizing it and they are giving her the support (quietly and without disrupting the master plan) that she needs. Ranger does not know what a great job she's doing. Hector locked him out of all reports and info to force him to talk to Steph. It gives them another shared point of communication. Since he can't check behind her back, he has to ask her what's going on in the company. It opens the lines of communication between them and it reinforces their working relationship. Steph's the CO but Ranger is the CEO/CCO. They should talk about company matters but if Ranger has the ability to get info about the company without Steph knowing, Steph will never get the satisfaction of telling Ranger about her triumphs and Ranger celebrating her achievements honestly.
There's also another reason why Hector's locked him out but it's a major plot point.
Finally, Hal is the XO and her 'little brother' for a reason. Hal also sees where Steph is growing and his willingness to bring in the other XOs (cautiously, after ensuring that they truly believe in her and aren't merely paying it lip service) is another way Hal is looking out for her. Hal represents the MM is a wider context, helping her grow and mature into the person she was always meant to be while still remembering that Steph's special and different. She'll never be a fighting machine and she'll never think like a Spec Ops vet because that isn't her training or history, but she's unique, smart and funny. She fills in Ranger's gaps as he fills in hers.
5. My biggest hope for Steph is that she learns to love herself. That is the goal of this story. This is a direct result of having read so many fanfics where Steph falls apart because Ranger's gone for a year or six months or longer than he was supposed to be gone. Ranger recognizes that this is a fact of life for him and some of the contracts he might accept. If Steph doesn't have a good sense of her own self-worth, an extended absence might break her. He doesn't want that for her. He wants her to be prepared for this but it's also what he needs for his heart to be safe. Steph has never cared about herself and Ranger is frightened by that. No matter how he's tried to help her, it hasn't worked so he recognized the bind he was in and stepped back. When she got serious about her life, he would be there. Until then, no.
As Ranger said, he needs a partner. He needs Steph to care about herself, but how do you say that to someone? How would you take that sentence? "I love you, but you don't love yourself." "I love you, but I need you to carry a gun, care about your health, and work with a partner." "I love you and I wish you loved yourself as much as I do." "I need you to do the following things before I will even consider a life with you." (That one sounds like Morelli, doesn't it?)
Every single sentence is emotional manipulation. It would make him no better than Morelli, Mrs. Plum, and most of the 'Burg. That's why he stopped. That's why he stayed back. He wasn't going to manipulate her. She'd have to learn to love herself on her own.
Also, I'm amused by the number of fanfics which feature a Steph who finally gets serious about her life and what does Ranger do? He's immediately by her side. Recurring theme (even if no one else caught it): when Stephanie Plum finally decides to take her life seriously, when it finally matters to her, Ranger is the first person to support her, as long as he isn't the rebound. Every time she shows up at his apartment announcing "I just broke up with Joe," I'm always on his side in turning her down flat. I'm no one's rebound! That's why this story has developed the way it has. Because Ranger is no one's rebound. His life is too difficult and dangerous for flippant, split-second decisions and Steph's getting a chance to see that now.
If Steph really intends to stand by his side, she has to stiffen her backbone. She has to value herself. She has to learn to love him as he loves her. This is not going to be an easy journey, so I'd estimate that you guys have at least another 50 chapters of fun to look forward to.
6. Now, does Ranger need to make a greater effort? Yes. Will he need to romance her? Yes. Will it be difficult for him? YES! Ranger's never had to romance a woman. He's clueless here.
A book my beta Dragonfly Friday suggested to me (long after I began writing Ranger and deciding how his character would operate) was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it hit the nail on the head. It outlines five ways people express love: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. It has been suggested that food should be added as a sixth love language, which I agree with. That's Steph and Mrs. Plum's preferred language. Remember in Chapter 8 when Steph offers to share a slice of cake with Joe and he recognized that as Steph showing love? Or Chapter 41, after Hector's shooting, where Steph nukes a rotisserie chicken and potatoes and puts together a salad in order to have something to do? Or Chapter 33, when Steph shows up at Lula's apartment with a bucket, ice cream, and pie in order to cheer Lula up? Even before I read this book I wrote that as a part of Steph's character.
The point of the book is that we so often show our love in one way when our partner is looking for us to express it in their love language. That's exactly what's happening here. Ranger has always expressed his love in a way that Steph doesn't see as love. Steph doesn't express her love for him in a way that he recognizes. Two ships passing in the night but the Joe/Steph relationship was even more amusing and sad. Joe expresses his love in a way that Steph recognizes but discounts. Steph expresses her love for Joe in a way he recognizes but it isn't what he wants. Screwed up that each recognized that the other was showing love but it wasn't what they wanted, so it left both Joe and Steph unsatisfied.
So, what would Ranger's love language be? How does he show love to Steph? How did Joe show his love to Steph (If you feel like a challenge)? How did Steph show love to each of them (Here's a hint: They each got something different.)?
Just something for everyone to think about.
I will admit my own biases here. It is much easier for me to understand Ranger's POV because Ranger's lifestyle is closer to mind. As a traveling consultant, I'm only home 4-6 days a month. I've had relationships break up because most men don't understand why I can't be home and why I don't answer when they call me. My family now realizes that they'll only see me at major family holidays because I live hours away from my closest relatives. I fly across the country. In the past month I've been to NYC, upstate NY, Texas, FL, GA, and Alabama. One month; five states. That's my life. It's crazy and I've realized that there's no way I can make a relationship work like that for now.
Also, I was a political science major in college, hence my knowledge of the 'Stans. The use of language, how people speak and their words, has always been a point of curiosity and interest for me. My entire job requires me to take the words and understandings of one group of people and translate them to another group of people, especially after a major communication and trust breakdown. That's my life. I serve as a translator and negotiator. Ranger's words are interesting to me because they are so few yet the meaning is so great. He manages to convey a wealth of experience and knowledge in just a few words but if you aren't accustomed to that kind of speech you completely miss it. I've spent a lifetime in that kind of situation.
My parents are also serving as models for the Ranger/Steph relationship. My father was also poli sci in college and he and Ranger communicate in very similar ways. They are very similar men: military (retired in my dad's case), in law enforcement, brutally honest, quiet and subtle in everything they do. On the flip side, my father can be absolutely silent when you most need him to say something, he never forgets a fuck-up, you never know he's pissed until it boils over (blank face? My father perfected that), and I didn't get a lot of praise as a teenager (Dad's response? 'Everyone else was blowing your head up. Last thing I was going to do was add to that.' Thanks, Dad). That's Ranger in a nutshell. My father was raised in Columbus, GA, home of the Army Ranger School, and I've met quite a few (all but three now deceased). I was raised in Albany, GA, home of the Marine Corps Logistics Base (at one point the largest on the East Coast) so I've been around military men all the time. I understand how they think and react. Ranger's POV is one I understand.
My mother? My mother is very much like Steph: heedless of circumstances, occasionally thoughtless, somewhat selfish, and fun-loving (my mother turned my childhood bedroom into a closet for her shoes the moment I left! Way to let me know I'm always welcome at home, Mom!) but she's also loyal, quick to forgive, smarter than she's given credit for and trustworthy. I know that all of you get frustrated with Steph for not being more mature, but I look at my mother and see that same irrepressible spirit and independence.
My mother is somewhere between Steph and Edna; she hates being told what to do and she hates being forced to do something she doesn't want to but she's not going crazy like Edna. Want her cooperation? Negotiate with her. My teenage years were pretty good because my mother was the person I negotiated with and she was inclined to give me a large amount of freedom as long as I didn't screw up. It forced me to become more independent and self-aware and take responsibility for my actions.
I see Ranger and Steph in my parents and, although they still continue to frustrate and irritate each other after 30+ years, they love each other and have made it work. That's how I know Ranger and Steph can make it. My mother's lighthearted attitude and irreverence enlivens my father. My father's serious nature and understanding of people has helped my mother progress in her job and keeps her grounded. They have a true commitment to their marriage and to respecting each other as individuals and as their other half. They don't do things that will hurt the other and they always take each other's opinion seriously. I consider myself as having the best of their better qualities and worst of their faults. :D
Thank you for reading my mini mini rant (LMAO. And no, this was not beta'd). Yes, there will be a mini-rant for Steph. Later. I figured I better get Ranger's in now. I figured Chapter 54, Parts I & II, touched some nerves :D.