From the Author of Michel's List:
Warning: The story is dark.
Major Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Sebastian Smythe, David Karofsky, Santana Lopez and introducing...Jack Frost!
Rating: T (Just in case. I don't think it warrants an M.)
Disclaimer: Ryan Murphy is a genius. I don't own anything Glee.
Authors Note: I've given up on this story twice before because lack of encouragement. After the episode Break Up, I wasn't sure that I could find inspiration to write about Blaine. I'm so upset with him. As of recently, I've found a brilliant co-author CeredwenFlame and as a result started shipping Kurtbastian. We're writing a brilliant fic together called Michel's List. I don't know if you've read it but if not check it out! These two points coupled together made it difficult to write further on Say It If It's Worth Saving Me. However, this weekend I had some breakthrough inspiration on this story and decided to give it another chance. It's had a major reworking, however. For now, the story focuses on Blaine's journey out of the darkness.
Reviews: I can't say this enough people. If you're reading it, you should be reviewing it. Reviews Are Love! I gave up on this story twice before because I felt little encouragement to keep writing it. I hope that won't be the case again. REVIEW!
Say It If It's Worth Saving Me
Chapter 1 – I'm Bleeding and Broken
Something deep inside of him died that warm night that ended his third spring semester at NYADA, the night that Blaine Anderson changed forever. Something was stolen, torn from his very soul, and since he'd felt empty. It had cost him so many things. It had nearly cost him everything. He'd wanted to die right then, begged for death. The moment had been the chains that dragged him to the prison that was now his life. It had cost him NYADA. He couldn't focus. He couldn't cope.
Because he couldn't find the words, it had nearly cost him Rachel. She'd struggled at first with not knowing, with accepting that she may never know, and then with accepting the new Blaine. He hadn't been able to continue living with her. Her pleading eyes followed him around the apartment, so Rachel left and moved in with Brody taking their relationship to the next level.
Though he could see how much it pained Kurt to see him this way, after their breakup, their entire relationship functioned on a need to know basis. Like it was in another life, he remembered singing It's Not Right, But It's Okay to Kurt. Somehow after his transgressions, after more than a year of not talking, they'd found their way back to each other. Though it was never quite a normal friendship. There was always remnants of their love hanging between them. The relationship was strained at best. They cared about each other. Of course they did! However, there were words that had not been spoken between them and maybe it was too late to speak them now.
It was his father's words and his mother's silence that had driven him to the bottle of sleeping pills. "What did you expect, Blaine? Isn't this kind of thing common for your kind?" His kind? His kind! What kind was that exactly? It was like Blaine was a thing and not a human being all because he was attracted to men. That was how his father made him feel, and the fact that his mother said nothing, didn't stand up to his father, hurt perhaps the most. Cooper tried to call, but Blaine ignored his phone calls. What could he say? They'd been strangers for nearly his entire life. All he'd ever wanted was his brother's love, but the shame of acceptance kept him silent.
Santana found him in time and with him the truth. He did not needed to say the words she read it in his eyes. He never imagined that he meant that much to the Latina. Especially since she was part of Kurt's core click. Blaine had never really been part of the New Directions. When the truth of their breakup came to light, the New Directions rallied around Kurt and shut out the Warbler.
He'd left the Warbler's for Kurt. Though they had managed to forgive and forget after Sebastian's slushy incident, Blaine always felt that they blamed him for leaving them. They were the closest thing to brother's that Blaine ever had, closer even than his biological brother Cooper, and he'd left them hanging out to dry. After that night, he didn't have the courage to call any of them. How could he count on them to be there for him when he wasn't there for them?
There was no reason to continue breathing. Blaine knew that when he opened the lid of the pill bottle, emptied out the contents into his hand and swallowed. The banging on the door and Santana's threats of going Lima High on his ass were the only thing that kept him from falling into unconsciousness. She'd been out with Kurt and Rachel that night. When none of them had been able to get a response from him, Santana had offered to go the apartment. Rachel still had a spare key and that's how Santana was able to let herself in. Blaine remembered how cool and collected she was when she found him on the bathroom floor in nothing but a pair of boxers the empty pill bottle laying beside him. He hadn't shaved in weeks. His hair was a wild afro. His eyes were sunken in and bloodshot. He hadn't showered in a week. He must have smelled awful. After she called 911, Santana kicked off her 6'-red stilettos and shoved her finger down his throat. She held his head back as he upchucked the contents of his stomach into the bathroom.
She followed him to the hospital, stayed by his bedside the entire week missing a giant audition at Tish for a lead role in the spring musical. When he was finally able to go home, she drove him to her dorm first and made him help her pack. It took three car loads to drag all of the stuff Santana had acquired back to his apartment. She moved in without even asking. She took all of his phone calls for the week, cooked all of his meals, and sat in silence with him listening to the New York rain. Finally, two weeks after his suicide attempt, he'd turned empty broken eyes to her. The next instant the dam inside of Blaine broke and he began to sob uncontrollably. Santana pulled him close and held him tight letting him cry.
Santana returned from class that next week successful in withdrawing her housing payments by telling them the partial truth. Her brother had attempted suicide and she needed to be there for him. She used the leftover housing stipend to pay three months of their rent in advance. At least it was a start to help them get back on their feet. That day she called her mother thanked her and cried. Without her mother's money and faith in her daughters dreams, Santana would never have had the means or the courage to help Blaine. Her mom had been confused, but accepted the thanks with gratitude.
That Sunday morning Santana awoke to soft banging noises coming from Blaine's bedroom. She hesitantly entered and found he had two large plastic tubs sitting at the base of his bed. The mothball smell prevailed in the atmosphere. As she drew closer, she noticed that he'd begun to pack away all of his vibrantly colored sweaters and bowties piling them gently, neatly, and reverently one on top of the other.
When Santana asked him what he was doing, Blaine answered in a hollow voice "the boy who wore these clothes is dead." Santana wanted to say something, to protest, but the look in Blaine's eyes stopped her. She simply nodded and began folding sweaters swiping at her eyes to rid them of the unshed tears. Blaine was left with a pair of jeans and a loose grey sweater. A visit to the local Thrift Store replenished his supply with jeans, sweats, white t-shirts, dark grey and brown sweaters, and baggy sweatshirts. The shopping was done in silence.
When they returned home Blaine went into the bathroom and retrieved an electric razor setting the length to ½-inch he held it out to Santana. This time the Latina sobbed as she first hacked off his beautiful black locks and then razored the remainder to ½-inch. Her salty tears mixing with the pool of hair at her feet. When she turned the chair for Blaine to see the results, her shoulder's shook from the overwhelming swell of emotions that chorused through her. Tears fell from her eyes and she covered her mouth to stifle the sobs. He immediately pulled her onto his lap cradling her close as she wept for the first time since the start of her involvement. Go figure that it was the loss of his hair that would make her break down. Still holding his friend as she settled down, Blaine ran a hand through the peach fuzz on top of his head. His expression was devoid of emotion!
Once he had shaved his stubble. Blaine proceeded to go through his medicine cabinets. He flushed all of his pills down the toilet. He watched Santana the entire time. It was a silent promise that his life, no matter how pathetic, belonged to her now as she had fought so hard to save it. He would never again make an attempt on it. He placed all of his moisturizers, hair styling products, colognes in a box leaving only basic soap and deodorant. The rest he would give to Kurt later. When he came across the box of condoms, his hands shook violently for a moment before he regained control of them. Shaking his head as if it was some surreal dream he handed the box to Santana. The implication of the action understood, no words were exchanged. She accepted the box from him, but walked up to the toiletries that he'd filed away and plucked out his favorite bottle of hair gel. A sad smile played across her lips as she showed her vulnerable side and cradled the bottle of hair gel against her chest pressing it close to her heart. "This is all that I want," she said resolutely. She didn't cry again.
It took two weeks for Blaine to gather the courage to take the products he owned to Kurt's apartment. Santana accompanied him. They arrived a little early and Kurt still hadn't returned from class, but his roommate and Santana's long time friend, David Karofsky, met them at the door. He pulled Santana into his large, furry, bear-like arms affectionately. He held out his hand to Blaine, but when Blaine flinched away from it he dropped it sending him a curious expression. Santana tried to explain that Blaine was having a rough couple of weeks. He just needed some time to snap out of it. The problem was that she didn't sound very convinced herself. Blaine said nothing. He walked into the apartment clutching the box to his chest, looking down at his feet. "I can take that," David offered nodding to the box. Blaine's hazel eyes snapped up to meet David's gentle blue ones panic in them.
"Sorry," Santana covered quickly grabbing the box and putting it on the counter. "We're still a little skittish." She offered Blaine a comforting smile. He seemed to relax just a little bit.
Kurt returned soon afterwards and invited them to stay for dinner. He'd seen Blaine a few weeks ago so some of the shell shock had worn off, but the lingering multitude of questions still remained. Santana had told him that she could say nothing. It wasn't her place to say anything, but that still didn't stop the questions floating around in Kurt's mind. What had happened to his Teenage Dream? Despite everything Kurt and Blaine were still very protective of each other. It hurt Kurt deeply to see Blaine like this, but even worse to know that Blaine had no desire to talk to him, let alone anyone about it.
It made him even more worried to see what Blaine brought him. Aside from Blaine's bowtie collection, his bath products were ranked pretty high among his prized possessions. Kurt didn't know about the suicide attempt. Santana had promised to keep it a secret and she did stay true to her word. However, receiving the box left Kurt in a frazzled state. His mind jump to the worst sort of conclusions, but having Blaine around prevented him from asking Santana questions.
As Kurt carried the salad to the table and passed by Blaine, he let his hand trail on Blaine's shoulder in a gesture of comfort. Blaine froze stark still a look of panic in his eyes. "Sorry," he stammered apologetically as he stood up abruptly making Kurt step back. He stood there for a few seconds hands balled up into fists before he ran to the bathroom. The silence in the room was so deafening that you could hear a pin drop. No one made a move for a moment before Santana put down her glass and started for the bathroom.
David's voice stopped her, however. "Let me," he stated simply but the statement sounded more like a plea. Santana hesitated for only a moment before nodding. She had to have a word with Kurt anyway. Had to make him understand that as much as he loved and cared about Blaine this was a battle that Blaine had to fight himself. No one could do it for him, and until he was ready to tell people exactly what happened the only thing his friends could do was be there for him.
Blaine sat on the toilet in Kurt's bathroom inhaling deeply trying to calm his racing heart. The bathroom was not the best place for Blaine to try to regain his peace of mind. The door was nudged open and he lifted his eyes to find David Karofsky standing in the doorway. David hesitated for a moment. What do you say to someone when words are clearly not enough? It was David's spirit that now addressed Blaine's. The look that passed between them was one of understanding, and familiarity. When you try to take your own life, something snaps forever inside of you, something is forever broken. David recognized that in Blaine because he'd experienced it himself. "I know you're in pain," David said choosing his words carefully. "In so much pain that it hurts to breath sometimes, but I need you to know that you aren't alone. Even though it may seem like it sometimes. I'm here, Blaine. Though we aren't much more than acquaintances, I'm here for you - anytime, always - and I'm listening." Upon saying his peace, David turned and left Blaine to compose himself.
Months passed. Months and Blaine got progressively better, if one could call it that. He never took David up on the offer. On one very ordinary Saturday evening, Kurt decided it was time to get both David and Blaine out of their respective shells. David had become way too studious and Blaine way too bookish. After much arguing and coaxing, Santana finally convinced Blaine to go out. She dropped him off at Kurt and David's apartment. "I'll watch out for him," David promised. Kurt was still running around trying to get dressed when Santana waved to Blaine closing the door behind her. He wanted to call out to her or to turn and run after her, but when he stepped back his back collided with David's broad chest. He lost his balance or a moment and David's hands steadied him by his forearms.
A jolt of electricity passed through Blaine at the unexpected physical contact. He wanted to run away. Run from the contact, from his reactions to it, but he couldn't. "I've got you," David whispered and he wasn't sure why he whispered it as if it was a secret. Perhaps, it was that he was promising Blaine and he felt like a promise should carry weight on its own without the need for volume. Blaine didn't know why, but he believed David.