The Return of the King
::Insert standard disclaimer here::Well folks, I finally got off (on?) my lazy ass and posted this story. It's actually a momentous occasion (for me), seeing as how this is the first story that I've posted on Fanfiction.net. Blah blah blah. Well, whatever. Just read the damn story.
The alien spaceship touched down onto Earth's soil. The door in the side hissed open, and a lone figure stepped outside. He turned around, and waved to the aliens standing in the doorway, saying, "Good-bye, friends! Thank you for teaching me how to fight, and for bringing me back home!" The aliens waved back at him as the door hissed closed, then the spaceship shot off into space. The man spread his arms wide open, and took a deep breath, marveling that he was home after so many years. Then, he lifted high into the air, and slowly rotated around, searching with sharp eyes that had been honed by his time with the aliens, then he flew towards the nearest city.
"Full house!" exclaimed a triumphant, and fully clothed, Piccolo. The other warriors glared at him, with the exception of a naked Gokou, who was busy eating his cards. Kuririn removed his sock, leaving him with the other sock and his boxers, and placed it on the table. Vegita scowled, and threw his glove on the table, next to his other one. Tenshinhan sighed, and gave up his armband. Yamucha took off his shirt, Yajirobe tossed his robe onto the table, and Gohan removed his boxers, and placed them on the table. Everyone looked expectantly at Chaotzu, who was naked.
"Well?" Piccolo asked, raising an eyebrow.
"But, I have nothing else to give!" Chaotzu exclaimed.
"Yes you do," Piccolo said.
"Huh? What else do I have left to give? I'm naked!" Chaotzu said.
Piccolo pointed to the top of Chaotzu's head. Confused, Chaotzu put his hand to the top of his head, then sighed, and pulled out the single hair that had adorned his head, and placed it on the table.
"Let's call it a day, shall we?" Piccolo said, taking in the money and clothing covering the table. He separated the money and Yamucha's cell phone, from the clothing, and put them in the shirt of his gi. The clothing he smirked at, then ki blasted them into ashes. Bulma, a blonde Lunch, and Chichi walked into the room, saw the men and Gohan in various stages of undress, and started to laugh. Muten Roshi sidled into the room behind them, and touched Chichi's ass. She did a back kick, slamming Muten Roshi through the door, and into the wall of the kitchen. Bulma ignored the commotion, opting instead to watch TV. Her eyes widened when they saw what was on TV, and she yelled, "Hey guys! Check out the news!"
"What? What for?" yelled Krillen.
"Because we have to advance the story!" she yelled back.
The men rushed over, and stepped on each other trying to get a prime spot in front of the TV. Kuririn ended up being sat on by Vegita, Tenshinhan and Piccolo were squeezed into one easy chair, Gohan and Chaotzu looked at the news disinterestedly, and started to play with GI Joes. Lunch, Chichi, and Bulma took up the entire couch, forcing Yamucha and Yajirobe to decide who gets the floor by thumb wrestling. Yamucha won and sat on Yajirobe, using Bulma's legs for a back rest, while Gokou was eating the rest of the deck. They stared at the screen, shocked at what they were seeing. A man, wearing white pants and a jacket, decorated with jewels, and having black hair that was slicked back, except for his bangs, was holding another man by the throat, and screaming something about being 'the real deal'. Muten Roshi returned, with an ice pack on his head, and gaped at the figure, who was now leveling buildings, and screaming something unintelligible.
"We must stop him!" Yamucha shouted. He stood up, picked up Yajirobe by his feet, and swung him, not unlike a baseball bat, slamming him into Vegita's face. Vegita yelled in surprise, then tackled Tenshinhan, missing Piccolo only because he floated into the air before the Prince made contact. Gokou looked over, saw the brawl, and did a jackknife into it. Chaotzu and Gohan, took out their planes and tanks, and started waging war with them. Kuririn pouted about being left out of the fun when Yajirobe bit his ass. The fighting was just starting to get fun, when Bulma, Lunch, and Chichi ended it by hitting several noggins with frying pans.
"Is that how you stop someone? By attacking each other?" Lunch yelled, dropping the pan and pulling out her Uzis.
"He started it!" Vegita yelled, pointing at Yamucha.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"SHUT UP!" Chichi screamed, and surprisingly, the room went silent. She smoothed back her hair, and calmly said, "Stop acting like children, and go save the world again."
"Oh. Right. Save the world," Yamucha said, then left. The others followed him to face this new threat.
When they got to the city, they were a little dismayed to see that it had been leveled, and that there were no signs of life. The man with the gaudy clothing, floated before them, and watched them calmly.
"So, uh, you the guy who did this?" a nude Gokou asked, pointing to the ruined city.
"Yes."
"Why?" asked a nude Gohan.
"Because they didn't acknowledge the fact that I'm real!" the man exclaimed, waving his arms, and sobbing.
"The real what?" asked Yamucha, scratching himself through his boxers.
"Elvis," said the man.
"You mean like the king of rock and roll?" asked Kuririn, pulling up his sock.
"Duh."
"This is all well and good, but we're here to kill you," said an impatient, and fully clothed, Piccolo.
"YEAH!" everyone else said.
"Ha! I've been itching for a good fight! Show me what you've got!" Elvis said, taking off his jacket.
The Z soldiers soon found that they could not defeat Elvis. That man had some devastating attacks such as the A House That Has Everything attack, which was when Elvis took a house that, in fact, had everything, and threw it on the warriors, the Big Boots attack, which consisted of a hail of oversized boots raining down on the warriors, and the Dirty, Dirty Feeling attack, which is too hideous to describe. When the last warrior had fallen to the ground, Elvis sighed and said, "I thought that you would be more of a challenge. Hell, even a little girl could kick your asses. I am very disappointed in you." He strode to Piccolo, and readied the deathblow.
"Wait," croaked Piccolo.
"What?" Elvis asked, fully expecting a plea to spare their lives.
"Can we have . . . a last . . . phone call?" Piccolo asked.
After a moment of heavy thought, during which Elvis puckered his forehead and scratched his ass, he answered, "Sure, go ahead."
Piccolo reached into the shirt of his gi, and miraculously, the cell phone was unharmed, probably due to a case of deus ex machina. He laboriously punched in the number to Muten Roshi's home, and waited until someone had picked up the phone, "Hello?"
"Hi, Chichi. Is the phone on loudspeaker, so everyone can hear?" asked Piccolo.
"It is now. Why?" asked Chichi in an irritated tone of voice.
"Because I don't want to repeat myself when I tell all of you girls there what Elvis said about you," he said.
"What did he say?" Chichi asked coolly.
"He said," he started, then dropped his voice as he finished, "that you all looked fat in your clothes."
The phone went silent for a long, terrible moment, then the screeching began, and sounds of crashing could be heard as the women started doing something that involved a lot of screeching and crashing. Piccolo turned off the phone, but before he could put it back into his gi, Yanucha grabbed it, and furiously dialed a number, "Hello? Super Mega Speedy Chocolate Delivery? Yes, I need 5000 pounds of chocolate delivered to the ruins of Satan City, pronto!" Yamucha turned to glare at Piccolo, saying through clenched teeth, "Are you trying to get us all killed?"
Piccolo shrugged, but before he could reply, the Super Mega Speedy Chocolate Delivery truck pulled up, finding them after another application of deus ex machina. The delivery boy dumped the chocolate, took the check signed by Yamucha, and left. A few moments later, the women arrived by one of Bulma's fastest air cars. They got out with their kis surrounding them. As one, the warriors pointed at a worried-looking Elvis, as well he should be since they beat the crap out of him. But, unfortunately, their anger was unsatisfied, and they turned to a new target to vent their rage on when the saw the 5000 pounds of chocolate. Like wild animals, they tore into the chocolate, snarling like, uh, wild animals, as they fought over enough chocolate to last a normal person several years. The men watched them worriedly, but when the women showed no signs of paying attention to anything other than the chocolate and their rivals, the men snuck away to play a game of Twister.
Like it? Hate it? Think I'm a fag? TELL ME!