Shin Seiki Beauty

by JeMx

[Slight Yaoi - m/m warning Shigeru x Makoto] The EVA cast is forced to do a horrendously murdered take of 'Sleeping Beauty', with some strange casting. Pure humour. Some yaoi implied, only in the last few parts. Most EVA characters are present, except for

Parts in Tahoma are typed by Mae, and parts in Arial are typed by Djinn. We really hope you can see the difference. Other than that, we really have nothing to say about this, except that it was very…therapeutic.

Shin Seiki Beauty

By Djinn and Mae

The EVA Cast await in the studio. They've been there for about an hour, and finally a girl storms into the room

Mae: turns back and yells Okay Just in! We're doing Sleeping Beauty!

Asuka: runs fingers through hair Well, I know who's gonna be the beauty…

Shinji: shivers and whispers constantly I must not run away, I must not run away…

Asuka: sigh And with my luck, Shinji will probably end up as the Prince.

Rei: This is not part of my orders.

Maya: murmurs sadly Aw, and we'll probably be put as background characters again.

Misato: Don't worry, your turn will come. secretly hoping that she is the beauty

Pen Pen: Awk! drops down playing-dead

Makoto: Katsuragi-san, I'm sure you will be the beauty.

Shigeru: Any rate, I bet you want to be the Prince.

Makoto: Shigeru-kun! How can you ever say that?

Shigeru: whistles

Ritsuko : [coolly] So tell us, who's the beauty?

Mae : It's –

Djinn : MATTE!!! [trans : WAIT!]

Mae : Hah?! What the hell are you doing here?!!

Djinn : Did you really think I'd let you mess up a fic with my little Makoto in it?

Makoto : Nani?! Me?! [trans : What?!]

Everyone : Nani?! Him?!

[Djinn and Mae survey the astonished (and some say horrified) cast boredly.]

Djinn : Who did you think it would be? Misato?

Mae : [laughs her head off] You sure are a joker!

Misato : [whimpers in a corner] This is not my day for a fanfic…

Makoto : [worriedly] Ano…Djinn-san, Mae-san, there must have been a mistake. [trans : Er…]

Mae: business-likeNo mistake about it, Mako-chan. grins

Asuka: This is outrageous! No one writes a fanfic with Asuka not being the main!

Djinn: We are, you background character.

Asuka: screams in horror

Shinji: I must not, must not- AUGGGGHHHH! bolts for the door

Kensuke: Shinji! pulls him back Don't! If I can't pilot an EVA like you do, then you must stay and suffer with me! I've been a background character all my life!

Mae: eyes them Hmm. Interesting ideas…But…

Kensuke and Shinji: What?

Mae: Back to Mako-chan! Anyway, yes, you're perfect for the part, and we are of course perfectly sane to pick him.

Maya: He's a background character! Does it mean that I will have a good part too?

Mae: looks at her with narrow eyes, then softens with the thought of who she likes Hm. Maybe…

Djinn: Don't be mean. brightens up Oh, and Shigeru gets a good part too!

Ritsuko: Don't tell me. This is Minor Character Week?

Mae: No, it's Fangirl Has Some Fun and Revenge Week.

everyone looks freaked

Asuka : [smacks forehead] With our luck, that means that even Kensuke would get a fic before we do.

Djinn : [mildly surprised] However did you guess? [purrs at Kensuke] You'll get your turn before you know it, darling.

Kensuke : [blush]

Ritsuko : …Am I detecting a bias towards bespectacled characters?

Mae : Bingo! Hit the jackpot!

Gendo : [hopeful look] Does that mean –

Djinn : [hurriedly cuts in] Nope. Sorry.

Gendo : [mutters] Dammit.

Misato : [interrupts] Would you just get on with the casting already?

Djinn : Point taken. You're the bad fairy.

Misato : … [mutters] Oh, forget it. They must really not like me.

Mae : Oh! Oh! And the prince is Shigeru!

Everyone : [stunned silence]

Makoto : [stammers] But…but…Shigeru-kun is…is…

Mae : What? Crazy? Stupid? Dead? What?

Makoto : [in a small voice] …a guy.

Djinn : [waves hands vaguely] We're in the 2000s, gender doesn't matter.

Everyone : [sweatdrops]

Shigeru : [puzzled] Uh, okay. But aren't I supposed to have a crush on Maya or something?

Maya : What?! I – mmph!!!

Mae : [clamps a hand over her mouth and elbows her in the ribs]

Djinn : [curtly] Not in our fic you don't.

Shigeru : Whatever you say. [glances at a still somewhat shell-shocked Makoto] I don't mind.

Asuka : [suddenly suspicious] Wait a minute. I think I've heard of this before. Don't tell me, is this one of those…how-do-you-pronounce-it?…yao-ie things? [trans : …m/m things?]

Djinn : Okay. We won't tell you.

All the females : [get up as one] That's it, we're leaving.

Djinn : I'm afraid you DON'T.

[Solid steel walls slice down, encasing the compound.]

Mae: dangerously This is where the revenge part comes in…

the females scream

Mae: smiles sunnily Well, on with the cast! Ritsuko will be the King, and Maya the Queen.

Maya: squeals, forgetting all about Shigeru Oh, thank you, thank you!

Mae: murmurs So long as you keep liking Ritsuko, thanks.

Ritsuko: Okay…sweatdrops

Mae: And points at Shinji You get to tell Shigeru that there is a princess in the palace.

Kensuke: wails Why can't he be minor like me?

Djinn: You'll get your turn.

Kensuke looks vaguely satisfied

Shinji: holding his head and goes on ranting I must not run away, I must not run away.

Asuka: sitting next to him Oh, shut the bloody hell up.

Mae: …She sounds like me. Um, right. That's, about all. And of course, everyone knows who's the beauty and who's the prince! beams

The uncasted girls: Me!

The uncasted guys: Me!

Mae and Djinn: holds up biiiig crosses We told you before. You weren't listening, were you?

All uncasted ones: Dang.

Mae: Hey, by the way, Shigeru? You have to kiss the priiiiiiiincessssss…On the lips…

Djinn : Don't scare him away before the filming even starts, you idiot. We'll break him in along the way.

Shigeru : [starting to worry] …Can I get a second opinion on this?

Djinn : [evil grin] 'Fraid not.

Shigeru : In which case, can I get a bigger paycheck?

Djinn : That one we'll consider.

Shigeru : Please do.

Rei : [suddenly, unexpectedly] The fairies.

Mae : [blinks] Oops. Right. I forgot.

Djinn : [smugly] I didn't. The three fairies are…[drumroll]…EVA 00, 01, and 02!!!

[The three EVAs, bedecked in frilly, colour coordinated tutus, and little wands in their hands, appear out of the shadows, lumber forward, and loom menacingly over everyone.]

Everyone : [look freaked to all hell]

Djinn : Uh…maybe not. [to EVAs] Thanks, guys, but I'm afraid not this time.

EVAs : [loom once more and disappear back into the shadows]

Everyone : [sigh in relief]

Djinn : How about…[considers all uncasted]…just to keep in the traditional spirit, Asuka, Rei, and Hikari.

Asuka : I'm a @!#$$#&# fairy?!!

Hikari : [somewhat pleased] I'm in the show?

Touji : And I'm not?

Mae : You're the wrong gender. And there're no more vacancies.

Touji : I thought you said gender didn't matter?

Mae : [grins innocently] That was Djinn.

Touji : [grumbles]

Rei: I'm a fairy.

Mae: nods

Rei: I don't like the costume.

everyone looks nervous

Mae: Um, we'll try to change it. sweatdrops

Asuka: I'm a blipping flitting fairy?!

Djinn: How many times do you want me to tell you that?

Hikari: I've never starred in a film before! I'm so excited!

Mae: grins kindly Well, they always called me the one with a heart of gold.

Misato: mutters angrily Probably because it's so hard.

Djinn: I was the one who casted her anyway.

Mae: ignores the remark Anyhow, we really should get the show going. Right everyone?

Everyone: murmurs No…

Djinn: calls to the back Guys, on the other hand…

EVAs come out and loom again

Everyone: YES!!! YES!!!

Djinn: Thank you guys.

EVAs disappear back into the shadows

Mae: Okay, let's go!

backstage

Makoto: Do I really have to wear this dress?

Mae: Yes dearie. Get it on and go in after the first scene.

Shigeru: Wow. Nice costumes.

Asuka: That's because you're not a blipping flitting fairy!!!

Rei: The costume looks better now.

Djinn and Mae: lets out a sigh of relief

Maya: Aaah!!! Where's my crown?!

Ritsuko: On your head.

Maya: Oh, okay.

Hikari: My wings are bent!

Touji: Here, I'll help.

Hikari: delighted Thank you, Touji-kun.

Shinji: I must not run away, I must not run away, my collar is killing me… hacks

Kensuke: Stand still! You buttoned it the wrong way.

Makoto: I can't walk in high heels!

Mae: Well, learn how to in ten minutes.

Djinn: Hurry! Get the camera rolling!

Gendo: The JeMx Studios present… drumroll Sleeping Beauty!

Mae and Djinn relax in two directors' chairs. Scene opens. Maya and Ritsuko are bending over a cradle and cooing to it

Gendo : [boredly] Once upon a time, there was a kingdom with a king and queen… [pauses] This is a really stupid script.

Mae : Live with it.

Gendo : [continues even more boredly] One day, they had a little girl…er…boy…er…oh forget it. A kid. They invited one and all to the baby shower, even the three…[reads rather confusedly]…blipping flitting fairies…?

Djinn : Hey! Who changed the script?!

Asuka : [looks smug]

Gendo : In fact, the only one who didn't get invited was the evil fairy. The three good fairies decided to bless the…kid.

[The three fairies enter and gather round the cradle.]

Asuka : Why the @#$#@ are we blessing a rubber doll?

Djinn : [drags out filmmakers' directive clause #746] Thou shalt not harme any infantes in thye productione of thye filme.

Hikari : Demo, Djinn-san, no one would harm an infant here. [trans : But,]

Djinn : [darkly] You'd be surprised.

Asuka : Ah, let's just get it over with. [waves her wand, accidentally thwaps the cradle, sends the doll 'thwunk' onto the floor.]

Hikari : [stares in horror]

Asuka : Ah, no harm done. [picks up doll by feet, 'thwunk's it back into the cradle]

Hikari : [stares in horror]

Djinn : Told you.

Asuka : Yeah, whatever. I bless you with great beauty, blah blah blah. Okay, done.

Hikari : [steps forward rather shakily] And I, I bless this…child with intelligence beyond all others.

Gendo: Suddenly, the evil fairy appears.

Misato: unexcitedly Cackle cackle.

Mae: You're supposed to cackle, not say it!

Misato: unenthusiastically Hee hee. Oh hohoho.

Djinn: sweatdrop Never mind. Get on it with it.

Misato: boredly I am the evil fairy. My my. What a beautiful rubber doll.

Asuka: Beautiful? peers at it Looks kinda dead to me.

Hikari: mutter Asuka-kun, I think you killed it.

Rei: Go on with the show.

everyone hushes and gets on with it

Misato: You did not invite me, so I came by myself. Oh hohohoho.

Maya: Don't touch our baby!

Ritsuko: Or our rubber doll.

Misato: You are being very nice to her. You bless her…or him…with all the good stuff. Oh hohoho. I will change all that. Oh hohohoho.

Mae: buries head Maybe I shouldn't have told her to cackle…

Misato: I proclaim that when she…er…he pricks his..er…her finger on a spindle on his…what the heck, its seventeenth birthday it will…uh…uh

Voice from backstage: I'm an IT?!

Misato: ignores the voice What's the line? I can't remember.

Hikari: She…er…he will die.

Misato: Oh right. I'm not supposed to say anything then. Well, oh hohohoho. Farewell and good luck to your, heh heh, daughter or son.

she poofs and disappears

Maya: falls on her knees Oh, my-

Ritsuko: follows suit - Poor little rubber doll!

Mae : Just pretend it's a kid, dammit!

Ritsuko : Right, right. My poor daughter…er…son…er…baby.

Rei : [Monotonously] I haven't yet given my blessing. [Moves to the cradle] I will soften the evil fairy's curse. When it pricks its finger on a spindle, it will fall into a sleep so deep it will be as if it is dead. Only when a true prince kisses it, will it return to the living.

Voice from backstage : Why IT?!

Rei : Gender doesn't matter.

Djinn : [smiles] She learns fast, huh.

Maya : Oh, thank you, kind fairy! But what should we do?!

Asuka : We'll take the blipping kid for you till it's all grown up. Now get over it.

Ritsuko : You're welcome to the doll.

Mae : BABY!!

Ritsuko : Naked creature with a latexy disposition.

Asuka : [grabs the doll by a foot, thwaps its head against the cradle while yanking it out.]

Hikari : [stares in resigned horror]

Fairies and royalty : [retreat from scene]

Gendo : The fairies raise the child, and it grows up to be a beautiful, intelligent…person.

Voice from backstage : Do I have to?

Djinn : Yes, dear, get out here this instant.

[A very embarrassed Makoto in a dress (and unstable heels) stumbles out onto the stage]

Djinn : [grins evilly] That's more like it.

Gendo : The…person loved his/her guardians, but felt like something was missing from his/her life.

Makoto : [says in a very small voice] Oh how I wish that somebody would love me.

Mae: Loooooouuuuuddddddeeeerrrr…

Makoto: says a bit louder Oh how I wish that somebody would love me.

Mae: Can't hear you…

Makoto: shouts OH HOW I WISH THAT SOMEBODY WOULD LOVE ME, OKAY?!

everybody stares in stunned silence

Shigeru: You never told me!

Makoto: whimpers I'm just following the script…

Asuka: Well, you didn't have to shout it out so loud.

Makoto gives up in defeat

Misato : [appears with a spinning wheel] Heeheehee. Dear child. All you have to do is touch the spindle and your dreams will come true. Heeheehee.

Makoto : Oh? It is true? Oh, thank you – [pauses] You know, this is terribly unrealistic. Firstly, I'm not supposed to have ever seen a spinning wheel in my entire life. Secondly, an old hag appears with –

Misato : OLD HAG?!?!?!

Makoto : Ah! Gomen, Katsuragi-san! A beautiful woman – [trans : Sorry,]

Misato : [preens] Much better.

Makoto : A beautiful woman appears with something I've never see before in my entire life, and convinces me that touching it will make all my dreams come true?

Djinn : [soothingly] Yes, dear. But the actual point of the production is to see you in a dress, getting kissed by Shigeru, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

Makoto : [turns red] Well, when you put it that way…

Shigeru : [looks uncomfortable] About that paycheck -

Djinn : [cuts in, ignoring Shigeru] Then let's go on, shall we?

Makoto : [sighs] Oh, thank you, kind lady. [reaches out amidst dramatic music, daintily touches the spindle, and promptly falls down in a faint.]

Misato : Ohohoho. My evil plan has succeeded. Ohohoho. [disappears with spindle]

Gendo : The three fairies are terribly upset by the disaster that has befallen their charge.

[Three fairies enter.]

Asuka : [Prods Makoto with a foot]

Makoto : [muffled] Ow.

Asuka : Shut up, you're supposed to be dead.

Makoto : [muffled] Asleep. Not dead.

Asuka : Looks dead enough to me. [clears throat] Oh dear. Boo hoo hoo. Our beautiful…princess? Is dead.

Hikari : [rather resigned with Asuka's behaviour] There's only one thing we can do now. Place the…princess within his…her castle, and raise a wall of briar thorns, for only a true prince would be able to slash his way through, and awaken her…him…with a kiss.

Rei : [unexpectedly] And the kingdom shall sleep with her until that day comes.

[Everyone sweatdrops]

Hikari : …That too. Thank you, Ayanami-kun.

Gendo : And so it was done.

[All characters hurriedly retreat, including a certain Sleeping Beauty]

Gendo: Many people had tried and failed, but none of them ever got through the wall of briar thorns. One of the princes was desperate for a bride, but couldn't find one that cute, bespectacled…huh?!

Djinn: Mae, what did you do to the script?

Mae: sheepish look Go on, go on…

Gendo: One day, a messenger gets news about the princess, and goes to the prince.

Shinji: I must not run away, I must not run away…

Kensuke: Go, Shinji-kun! shoves him out

Shinji: AAAAAAHHHHHH! loses his cool and runs towards the other end of the scene

Shigeru: stops him Hurry up and tell me the news already!

Shinji: inhales Ah…Ah…There…AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Asuka: sweatdrops, then pushes her way into the scene as Shinji runs off Hey Prince. There is a palace. In the palace there is a princess. The princess is sleeping. Go wake the princess.

Shigeru: Aren't you supposed to be a fairy?

Asuka: Ah, call it divine intervention. continues Go slash briar thorns. Go find princess. Kiss princess. Bye. walks off stage

Shigeru : [shrugs] Works for me. [strikes pose] Could it be? Could it really be? Beyond the briar thorn is the… [pause] Well, for politically-correctness, person of my dreams?

Asuka : [calls out from backstage] Yeah yeah, it's true. Now get on with it!

Shigeru : [mutters] Critics.

Gendo : The prince draws out his trusty…guitar? And with a strum, destroys the wall of briar thorns, shattering the gnarled, twisting branches like glass? [looks confused]

Djinn : Mae…

Mae : Wasn't me! I swear!

Shigeru : [smirks, draws out guitar, and proceeds to do as described]

Everyone : [stares in awe at shattering briar thorns]

Djinn : …Must remember to commend the special effects department.

[Thorns now shattered, Sleeping Beauty comes into view, who, though looking every bit dead as promised, still manages to blush.]

Shigeru : Ah, there lies my soon-to-be love. [proceeds to the bed, leans down slowly and dramatically, and kisses Makoto.]

Makoto : [lashes flutter open theatrically] What a strange dream it were… [eyes widen at the sight of Shigeru] Oh, my prince! The love I had longed for!

Shigeru : Yes, it is I.

[They hug.]

Gendo : With the spell lifted, the kingdom awakes around them.

[Various cast members and extras boredly demonstrate early morning stretching exercises]

Gendo : And they lived happily ever after, the end.

Djinn : [immensely satisfied] Cut! Perfect! That's a wrap!

Almost Everyone : [grumbling] Finally…

Shigeru : [still holding Makoto, has a strange look on his face] You know, may be we could try that one more time.

Everyone : Huh?

Makoto : [smiling shyly] I don't mind.

[They go at it. Rather vigorously. Er.]

Makoto : Mmmphmm…

Shigeru : Mmmphmmph.

Everyone else : [Stare in fascinated horror]

Djinn and Mae : [grin lazily]

Djinn : And that's the beauty of it.

Shigeru: breaks the kiss Hm, never mind about the paycheck.

Makoto: Aww, Shigeru-kun, you're so sweet!

Shigeru: bishounen smile I know…

Maya and Misato: WOI! They're supposed to like us!!!

Mae: Phhbt. sticks out tongue, then smiles at the new couple You know, there's a sickbay at the back of the studio, the bed there may help…

Djinn : [thwaps Mae] Don't be a hentai. [To Shigeru] Here. The key. [trans : pervert.]

Shigeru: takes it Thanks.

Makoto: blush So soon?

Shigeru: The sooner the better.

Djinn: adds in No time like the present.

Shigeru leads Makoto off in the direction of the sick bay.

outside the sick bay

Asuka: Whoah! I never knew they could do stuff like that! peeks in more

Kensuke: Oh, Shinji! Will you ever do that?

Shinji: I must not run away, I must not-AHHHHHHH! runs out of the studio

Kensuke: Aw. looks disappointed

Mae: Go Shigeru! wolfwhistles

Djinn: They're steaming up the windows; I can't see…sweatdrop

Rei: I like it.

everyone sweatdrops

Maya and Misato: This is too terrible.

Rei: I like it.

Maya and Misato: sweatdrop Of course, heh heh.

Makoto : [wailing plaintively from inside the sickbay] Shigeru-kun…they're watching!

Shigeru : [annoyed from inside the sickbay] Do you mind?!

Djinn : Okay, party's over, let's move along now.

Asuka : I don't see you moving.

Djinn : [darkens] Guys?

[Threatening pre-looming sounds issue]

Everyone : [look freaked]

Misato : Er, we'll be getting a move on.

Ritsuko : Been nice working with you.

[Murmurs of assent. Studio clears faster than school on a Sunday]

Djinn and Mae : [grin evilly at each other]

Mae : You sure the recorder's working?

Djinn : Doubled checked the perimeter values. Set to record on command. In operation for ten minutes now.

[The two directors crouch outside the sickbay, peering through the windows, grinning sadistically as they witness the production of their latest yaoi hentai video…what? You thought we really wanted to film Sleeping Beauty? Sheesh.]

END