Fandom: Kuroko no Basuke

Characters/Pairings: Kagami, Kise, Midorima, Riko, Aomine, Momoi, Kuroko

Words: 1,822

Summary: 5 times Kagami wished he just hadn't read the damn message. (Or, alternatively: It's not Kagami's fault he can't focus on his studies.)

—

1. 7:05 pm

So, it's like, 7 o' clock on a Sunday night, and Kagami is studying. Or, at least, trying to, anyway. God, why does history have to be so boring? He can barely get through one page without wanting to fall asleep or play basketball or—shit, it's happening again isn't it.

Fuck, focus Kagami. You already spent the rest of the weekend goofing off. Gotta get serious this time. There's still, like—how many chapters does the test cover again?

Shit.

Oh, a message.

'senpai, how strong do you think is "coming off too strong"? my sister got a ring from her boyfriend for her birthday (not an engagement one though) so i was wondering maybe i could get kurokocchi one for his. thoughts/advice?'

"What the fuck," Kagami says, not sure what he just read.

'From: Kise Ryouta' his phone informs him. So, "Okay, that makes a little more sense."

Still, 'who the fuck are you calling senpai? and isn't kuroko's b-day months from now?'

Kise's reply comes a few minutes later. 'oh, kagamicchi! whoops, i meant to send that to Kasamatsu-senpai. guess i mispressed somewhere haha. anyway, since you already read it, what do you think i should do?'

'i think you ask kuroko yourself,' Kagami answers, because, one, what the shit did he know about Kise coming off too strong or whatever, and, two, he'd like to keep it that way, thank you very much.

'ehhhh,' Kise whines in reply, somehow just as annoying in text as in real life, 'but that would totally ruin the surprise!'

'kuroko would probably be surprised either way,' Kagami reasons. 'are you two even dating?'

'no,' Kise answers, 'but we will be. someday. i'll make it happen somehow.'—and that's about as much of Kise's brand of crazy Kagami is willing to take for the night.

So, 'okay,' he types, to end the conversation.

'thanks for the support kagamicchi!' Kise replies, much too happy. 'i'll move you up on my list for best man at our wedding!'

Kagami doesn't even want to know.

.

2. 8:12 pm

So, more than five glasses of protein shakes and a giant sandwich later—he got really hungry, okay—and Kagami is still not even halfway through chapter one.

"Doesn't this book have any pictures or something? Jesus," Kagami groans, flipping ahead trying to look for something, anything to make this more interesting. Like, how is Kagami even supposed to appreciate the Warring States period if he can't see it happen? That's, like, talking about basketball with no intention of playing it—a total waste of time that makes no sense whatsoever.

Kagami sighs, "Maybe there's a movie version on YouTube or something...?"

Oh, a message.

"Kise again?" Kagami wonders, opening his inbox.

'Takao, you have left your underwear at my house again. Come and pick them up at once.'

"What the actual fuck."

Okay, so, Kagami could sort of understand Kise's case, because Kasamatsu and Kagami could be right next to each other, depending on who you know, but Kagami and Takao? No matter how much of an antisocial prick Midorima is, he's got to have at least a bunch of people in there in between. Family members alone should take up a decent amount of screen space. There's just no way Midorima can be that blind while typing that coherently.

But, 'you do know this isn't takao, right?' Kagami asks, to be sure.

'Who is this?' Midorima asks back, a few moments later.

'wtf,' Kagami types. 'you're the one who messaged me first.'

'Yes,' Midorima replies. 'I have sent that message to the entirety of my address book. Takao has changed everyone's names in a misguided attempt at humor, and I have deduced that that was the most efficient way to reach him. Now, may I know whom am I speaking with so I can correct your details at once.'

'…dude, did you seriously just announce to everyone you know that your teammate left his underwear at your house?' Seriously, Kagami can only think of, like, two ways to explain that, and he's pretty sure Takao and Midorima aren't related so that only really leaves one.

'Yes, I believe I have mentioned that. Now, who is this?'

'it's kagami.' then: '…do you really not see anything wrong with what you just did?'

'Noted,' Midorima replies. 'Also, no, why do you ask?'

'…nevermind.' Sometimes, Kagami forgets that Midorima is the kind of guy who would carry a chainsaw around with him if a TV show told him it would bring him good luck, so, of course, he would see absolutely nothing wrong with messaging practically everyone the state of another guy's underwear.

'You really should think more before you press send, Kagami. It's a waste of time for the other person as well. Nevertheless, your cooperation was appreciated. Have a good night.'

"Yeah," Kagami deadpans, typing a quick 'good night' in reply. "I'm the one who needs to think before I send. Right."

.

3. 9:46 pm

So, after taking a quick jog outside—exercise helps the brain focus more, or something like that—Kagami helps himself to a nice hot bath—to make sure he's totally stress-free for studying later—and then tops it all off with a heaping plate of curry—can't go studying on an empty stomach—before finally settling himself at his desk again, totally ready to get this studying thing down.

Right after he answers this message, of course.

'24hr training session next weekend. y/y?'

Kagami's first thought is: do I even have a choice? But then he reads the message again and notices the '24' before the 'hr' and the 'training' and 'session' that follow and thinks what.

Then he realizes that the coach had sent this to him around twenty minutes ago, and Kagami's brain just overloads with shit, shit, shit, and fuck, she's probably still waiting for an answer, right?

So, 'um… coach…' he types, slowly but surely, 'i don't think training for 24hrs is humanly possible. maam.'

'Oh, Kagami!' the coach replies a minute later. 'You weren't really supposed to see that, but, I've already rethought that plan, anyway. How about 22hrs with 2 45min for food and water, and 6 5min breaks to go to the little boy's room?'

'i'd really rather not…' Kagami wants to say, before being struck with the realization: she knows, doesn't she. Oh my god, she fucking knows. She totally knows I haven't been studying and am like this close to having to take remedials and possibly missing out on a few games. Followed by: holy shit, she is really pissed at me right now, isn't she.

So, 'hyuuga-senpai', he types, in a fit of fear and desperation, 'i think the coach is trying to kill me'

'What are you talking about?' is all Hyuuga has to say.

Kagami forwards the previous messages and hopes for the best.

.

4. 11:34 pm

"Oh, shit," Kagami says, very elegantly. "I fell asleep."

Wiping the drool from his mouth, Kagami tries to recall what the hell he'd been doing. Then, upon noticing the book on his desk—still on chapter one—he goes, "Shit."

Scrambling for his phone to check the time, Kagami sees a number flashing on his screen.

10 unread messages, it says.

Then, remembering what had happened earlier, Kagami immediately goes to crisis mode, like, oh my god, the coach must be totally raging at me now for not replying and going to Hyuuga-senpai instead and—oh, it's just Aomine.

Wait, what.

'satsuki weres my maichan photobook.'

'did u go thru my stuf again'

'satsuki'

'satski'

'i cnt find my porn'

'shit om so hungry'

'y is there nevr any food around here'

'satsuki'

'satsuki'

'asdkgka'

"..." Kagami can't even find the words.

First of all: how much of an idiot does Aomine have to be to not realize he's not actually messaging Momoi. Second: what kind of depraved lifestyle...? And third: is he still going at it?

'skgkahf'

Kagami shakes his head in judgment.

'momoi-san,' he decides to type, taking a rare moment pity on the poor bastard, 'i believe aomine meant to send these to you instead of me.' then, copy-pasting the newest clutter in his inbox, Kagami presses send.

Momoi's name lights up his phone only seconds later. 'Dai-chan,' her message reads. 'I leave you alone for one night and what do you do?! I can't believe I can't even trust you to just laze around and watch basketball like you usually do. Oh, no, you have to go and get drunk and start bothering other people (thank you for putting up with him long enough to tell me about it btw, Kagamin). I am really disappointed in you, Dai-chan.'

'satsuki food were'

'It's in the fridge like it always is! Don't you ever listen to anything I say?!'

'cant too lazy'

':('

'um,' Kagami tries, 'i don't think i should be part of this conversation anymore so if one of you could remove me from the mailing list that would be great'

'wtf bakagami is dat u'

'yes, ahomine,' Kagami replies, against his better judgment, 'you were the one who messaged me first.'

'wat'

'See, dai-chan? Even Kagamin is disappointed in you.'

'his mom can be disapointed fpr all i care'

'Dai-chan!'

'welk she can. jst like she can suck my dick'

And that, is when, Kagami decides: fuck this, and just dumps the entire thread into his spam folder, offering a silent 'I'm sorry' and 'Good luck' to Momoi as he does so.

.

5. 6:12 am

"Shit, is it morning already?!" Kagami yelps, accidentally banging his knee on the table in his attempt to stand up and shut up his damn alarm clock. "Shit, shit, fuck," Kagami curses, hopping around, trying to make sense of his things and jesus christ just where did the rest of last night go—

And there, on top his desk, Kagami sees: covered with the drool of a deep sleep, his history book, open and waiting, still on chapter one.

"Oh, fuck."

Then, as if on cue, Kagami's phone buzzes with excitement.

A message.

Kagami gulps.

'Kagami-kun,' it reads, from Kuroko, 'Were you able to study well for today's exam? I hope you remember our agreement should you fail to pass.'

'um,' Kagami replies, 'we had an agreement…?'

Kuroko answers by sending him a picture of what seems to be a contract, with what also seems to be his signature, technically legally binding him to 'the feeding, walking, bathing, and general taking care of one (1) Tetsuya Nigou, official mascot for the Seirin High basketball team, for no less than one (1) month, upon failure in any subject, including, but not limited to: Art, English, History, Home Economics, Literature, Japanese, Math, Physical Education, and Science, with an additional one (1) week for every subsequent failure.'

"Well, shit."

Kagami wonders if it's already too late to change schools—and maybe identities, too.