October Thirteenth

Dear Gilbert,

I haven't seen you in a while now, so I'm going to take this opportunity to write to you to keep you up to speed on my current situation. You know, Gilbert, you've always been the only one I could talk to about stuff like this. And, by that, I mean... teenage problems. You've always been so good at telling me it was going to be okay.

Anyhow, today I finished moving in with Roderich and Elisabeta. I wish I still lived with you though. Sure, our cousins are nice and all, but it's not the same. Elisabeta, even though she's very sweet and kind, treats me like a child. I'm not a little boy, I'm in high school now. And Roderich... Well... he gets on my nerves sometimes. But, you know how he is.

Speaking of high school, I start tomorrow at my new school. It kind of stinks that I have to restart everything here but it's not like I'm leaving anyone behind at the old place. I didn't have any friends there either. However, I think that's why I'll miss going to school with you. After you graduated last year, I didn't have anybody to walk with to class or anything. And, it's not like I was especially picked on but I just find it hard to speak up some times. I guess it's because I'm shy. Elisabeta tells me it's because I'm shy.

I don't mean to be so awkward, I just see people differently than everyone else does! I guarantee, though, if I have to get stuck in counseling again like I did at the old school, I'm going to come and live with you again, whether you like it or not. And I hope you do like it and won't be disappointed in me that I left because you're my brother and I love you.

Maybe there will be somebody even more unsure than me and we can become friends. That probably won't be the case though since I know I won't make the first move to initiate a friendship and, if they're just as shy as I am, I know they won't either.

I wish people weren't so intimidating. I wish I could see people and think "There's someone I can be friends with! We share interests and they seem like they'd be a great form of companionship! I think I'll go up and converse with them!" But I don't. I see people and think "God, I hope they don't notice me. I hope they don't try to talk to me and get me to open up. I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling. I don't want them to know about my private life. What if they find out what went on before I moved here? What if I get made fun of?"

Damn this anxiety and damn my personality!

Elisabeta says I should just try and seem friendly. She says if I try hard enough, someone is bound to want to make friends with me. I don't even know how I'd feel about having friends... Are they a lot of work? How do you treat them? Are there lines and boundaries that you shouldn't cross nor let others cross? What is for sharing with friends and what isn't? And, I've never had friends so I'd likely treat them badly anyhow, and I'd rather not have people hate me even more than they probably will once they meet me.

In case you've forgotten, I'm a freshman. Roderich keeps trying to encourage me by telling me stories about his ninth grade year but they're actually quite pathetic, as I expected from the start. He was in the orchestra as the pianist and you can probably guess the rest. Long story short, he met Elisabeta and somehow (somehow!) got her to fall in love with him (or something similar to love) and now they're "happily married" and "living the dream life."

Personally, I don't think so. If I were them, I wouldn't consider the dream life taking care of their failure of a younger cousin.

And, sorry to be talking about their marriage so much. I know you didn't support it. I know you had feelings for Elisabeta before. I just figured I'd keep you updated in case you cared.

Do you care? About me, that is. Are you going to take the time to write back or are you going to ignore me and continue doing whatever it is that you're doing.

I'm sorry, Gilbert, that was out of line. I know I shouldn't question you. Of course you care, you'd say. I'm your younger brother, you'd say.

When you come home, we're going to have a party. I don't think Roderich and Elisabeta would agree but I don't care what they say. I'm going to celebrate when you come back. And, I know you'll come back because you love me, right?

Of course you do. You're my brother.

So far today, I've succeeded in unpacking my room. It looks pretty similar to how it did in the old house. My bed is against the north wall by the door, same olive green sheets. My desk and other stuff is across the room by the window, just like how it used to be. My room is a little bit bigger than the one we shared at the old house so it's weird to have all that space to myself. Plus, you can get into the attic from there too, only Elisabeta says I shouldn't go up there yet.

The walls are dark blue. I picked out that color because it reminded me of the rental car we got that time we went to Germany and stayed up all night driving around Berlin and you almost crashed it and I was so angry because Dad would have been so upset with us if you did but then you took me to get ice cream from that twenty-four-hour place in the city to make it up to me. I think that's one of my favorite memories.

You know, I miss Dad a lot sometimes. He wasn't there so much when we were growing up but after he died, it makes you feel kind of hollow, huh? But it's been over a year so I should probably start to get over it, right? Is that how long it takes to get over a death? I don't know. I wasn't old enough to remember Mom before she died so I don't have anything to compare it to. I'm asking you because I think you might know because you're good with this kind of stuff.

I really wish he was still alive though. Maybe if he was, we'd still live at the old house and I wouldn't have to move out here with our "high-society" cousins. Maybe if Dad didn't die I wouldn't be alone. I know I'll always have you but you're not here physically right now and I can't even call you or anything and I have to suffice with writing you a string of letters and hoping you reply.

I know you'll reply though. You told me you would.

Roderich is downstairs cooking dinner right now. I can smell it all the way up here in my room where I'm typing this. Elisabeta came in a while ago and told me to wash up before we eat and I told her I would and I probably should. So this is probably where I'm going to leave this for now. I'm sorry that it's not as long as I think you would have liked but I'll try to flesh it out a little more in my next letter to you tomorrow, okay? I keep remembering that I start school in the morning and I get really nervous. I have my supplies all ready though. All in my backpack by the door so I won't forget anything. Elisabeta picked up my school uniform from the office yesterday while I was unpacking. It's not so bad. Obviously you know I've never worn a school uniform before because the old school didn't have them but they're actually okay. The pants are purple plaid which, although it wouldn't be my first choice of fabric, doesn't look too bad with the brown sweater and blue blazer they gave me. I'm glad I get to wear a tie too. I've always liked ties. But you know that.

Wow, I didn't really conclude my letter up there like I wanted to so I'll end it now for real this time. Okay.

Your Brother,

Ludwig