He felt it as soon as it happened. He felt it, a wide gaping hole right above his heart, it throbbed and caused a deep hollow feeling. His chest constricted.
He couldn't breath.
Where was he?
Kylo Ren raised an arm to brace himself as he fell against the durasteel wall of the corridor he was currently walking down. His gloved creaked as he clenched at the fabric of the tunic above his heart. He knew what this was.
He immediately took off running towards the bridge. The closer he got the louder he heard it. Cheers.
As he stepped onto the bridge he could see officers and enlisted alike cheering and clapping each other on the shoulders. On the platform standing triumphantly was Hux, his smarmy grin widening as soon as he caught sight of Kylo Ren.
"You're just in time Ren." the gloating could be heard in his voice, his smirk grew wider as just the thought of his news warmed his very being.
"We have successfully wiped the Resistance from the face of the galaxy. It was just confirmed. General Organa was among the casualties."
Numb.
It was all he felt, he looked around at the bridge full of First Order uniforms. They were all celebrating the death of the Resistance….the death of his mother.
Ren composed himself as much as he could and gave Hux a curt nod, "Well done General Hux. Keep me informed of further developments." with that Ren swiftly turned and departed from the bridge.
Image after image raced across his mind.
His mother's smiling face as he slowly walked towards her on two wobbly legs.
Her laughter as he smashed his birthday cake straight into his father's face.
Her beaming face, proud as he showed her his marks on his latest test.
Faster and faster they came, ranging from the happiest memories he had of his childhood to the toughest.
His steps quickened until he broke out into a jog desperate to get to his quarters. The moment his doors hissed shut behind him his lightsaber was lit. A deep guttural roar emitted from his throat.
Out! Out! Out!
She left him! Abandoned him to the tender mercies of his uncle! A burden too heavy for her to bear.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
She was always leaving, her back always the last thing he saw, all he remembered of the fateful day she left him for good.
Sparks flew, metal hot and molten dripped from the walls. Deep gouges in the walls exposed pipes and wires. Debris covered the floors of his room.
He was tired. So tired. His shoulders heaved as he tried to catch his breath. He deactivated his lightsaber, the absence of sound felt crushing in the quiet of space.
"Ben!"
No, he couldn't do it. Not now. Please why.
He turned around to the sound of the voice that called his name. There she was, the scavenger. Her robes were filthy, covered in dirt, dust, and what looked like blood and ashes. Her hair free from it's customary three bun style laid about her face, mats and knots creating a tangled mess.
Her face was red and blotchy, small cuts littered her face blending in with the soot and dirt. He looked into her eyes, bloodshot and wet from tears, glaring at him like he was worse than the scum on her shoes.
"How could you! Your own mother! We had no warning! Nothing! They came in the middle of the night! They swarmed us, first bombing the fighters, then their troopers stormed the base. I couldn't get to her in time. I wasn't….Why!" she screamed.
"You think I wanted this!? You think I had any hand in this what so ever! She was my mother!" with that he lit his saber once more, this time bringing his attention to whatever furniture escaped his wrath in the first place.
Rey could only watch in morbid fascination as he destroyed everything in his reach. His screams of rage deep and feral.
"I never wanted her dead! I wanted her to surrender, I wanted her to give up this silly dream she had. Why! Why did the republic always have to come before everything! They didn't need her! They never needed her! Her family needed her! I NEEDED HER!" with one last shout he split his bed in half and stood there panting. Tears streamed in rivlets down his face. His shoulders heaving as his legs finally gave out and he fell to his knees to the ground.
Rey stood still, Rens display of destruction instilling fear and rooting her feet to the ground. But as his sobs continued and he started to disappear further into himself her compasion won out. She crouched down next to him and reached a hand out, still unsure if he would feel her. She laid her palm on the cheek that still bore the scar from their first fight.
He looked up at her and all she saw was a lost little boy, mourning the loss of his mother.
"How did she die?" he asked.
"Oh Ben, please, you don't want to know." Rey tried to dissuade, his eyes only bored into her own.
"How...Rey." he demanded of her once more. Rey sighed as she sat back on her heels, her hand still cupping his cheek.
"She was in the hanger, directing the non-combatants to whatever ships were left to evacuate. Poe and Finn were already in the Falcon trying to fight back as much as they could. It all happened so quickly. It was chaos." Rey paused as her voice broke. She could still hear the sounds of the bombs going off in the distance. The haunting screams of fright and pain reaching out for her as she raced through the base.
"I...I can't, I can't keep…" Rey's voice cracked as she shook her head back and forth. Kylo understood, the memories were too much she couldn't continue. He brought his own hands up to her temple hovering there for just a minute.
"Can...can I try?" he asked looking into her eyes for her consent. A nod from her was all he needed before he dove in.
The smell hit him first, the acrid cloying smell of burnt metal and charred earth. The ground below him shifted, the thunderous sound of bombs hitting the earth accompanying each shift. He felt her panic as she ran, hallways and doors just dark blurs and she ran past. The smoke grew thicker as she ran, deep and heavy, it settled in her lungs suffocating her.
As she ran her anxiety grew he could hear thoughts, "Get to Leia...Get to Leia...Get to Leia!"
Bodies started littering the ground as she got closer to the hangers. Some bent and twisted in impossible positions, their bodies unnaturally still, smoke still rising from blaster wounds. Some lay leaning against walls and doorways, hands clutching various body parts, rivlets of blood peeking out from between dirt covered fingers.
A shriek escaped her mouth as her robes were caught by someone on the floor. She didn't recognise them through the dirt and soot caked onto their face. Her horror grew as she looked down and saw half of their body was missing.
"He..Help…." Tears streamed down her face as she backed up, wrenching her robes out of their fingers.
"I can't...I'm...I'm sorry I can't." Rey turned and ran, the guilt already starting to claw at her heart.
"I couldn't help. I couldn't help. Get Leia! Get Leia!" Her thoughts continued as she navigated the twisting hallways. Stopping to glance briefly into the command room and mess halls.
Finally she made it to the hanger bay and there she was. Relief washed through her as she recognized the silhouette of the general, could hear her gruff voice echo across the room as she ushered people into the waiting shuttle. The tension rolled off of Rey's shoulders and she made her way across the room. Not quite at the pace she ran through the halls, her body screaming at her for fresh air. The smoke starting to affect her breathing.
Then all of a sudden the world went still.
Leia's face went blank for a split second before shock took over. Both Leia and Rey stopped in their tracks as their eyes were drawn down...down to the blade protruding between Leia's breasts.
Leia raised a shaky hand up towards it before her body was jostled back as the blade was violently ripped from her. She stumbled back a couple steps before gravity took over and she fell to her knees. She looked up at Rey once more before her eyes closed and her body fell the rest of the way to the ground.
A sound ripped through the hanger, a dark ear splitting cry of rage. Rage, dark and red and full of hate filled Rey. Her blade ignited as she took off across the hanger bay. That mask the only thing on her mind, the trooper that delt Leia's killing blow.
"Get him, get him, get him…." was the only thing running through her mind. The rest of the scene was a blur of blue and white and red. The sound of the saber as it flew through armor, skin, and bone alike. He felt satisfaction, deep and primal, as he watched her saber remove the head from the soldier that had dealt the killing blow, as he removed himself from Rey's memory.
Across light years two figures sat, each absorbed in mourning the late general in their own way. One mourning a mother and all that could have been. The other mourning a friend and mentor, a mother in her own way.
"Ben, she's still there. I couldn't...I couldn't get her body before…" whatever she had left to say was lost as the connection broke and he was left alone, sitting in the destroyed remnants of his room.
It wasn't until a day later when he could finally pick himself up off the floor, having sat there in an almost comatose state. He knew what he had to do.
The sight of her on the floor of the hangar bay threatened to break him again. Her body still lay where it fell, red bloomed around her in a macabre mockery of a flower. The wound on her chest thankfully small and still hidden by her clothing. Around her lay bodies, Resistance and First Order alike. Steeling his resolve he carefully lifted her lifeless body from the floor and carried her back with him to his ship.
The flight to Naboo was an uneventful one. Kylo forced himself to stay in the cockpit, trying to ignore the lifeless body of his mother laying just meters behind him.
He landed near the home they had inherited from his grandmother. It sat abandoned and unused since his childhood. He carried her into the house and laid her on the large dining room table before he left to gather what he needed. A basin, a washcloth, new clothes, and a hairbrush.
With his supplies gathered he slowly walked back to the dining room. Tears streamed down his face as more memories came to him. Helpfully supplied by his surroundings. When he was young and the world was still a happy place, the only monsters the ones his mother could scare away with a scowl, they used to visit this home on vacations.
With a heavy heart Kylo sat near his mother's head and reached a hand out for her hair. He released the long tresses from its intricate hairstyle, now ruined with dirt and blood. Matted in some places and tangled in others. Taking care he took the washcloth dipped in the water of the basin and began the long arduous task of cleaning her hair.
A memory came to him as he ran the brush through the silver strands.
"I really wish you wouldn't teach him this girly stuff Leia. He's a boy. What does he need to know how to do these..these hair thingys for anyway." Hans gruff voice complained from the doorway.
Leia laughed from her place on the floor, Ben sat behind her, a look on concentration on his face as he twisted and pulled his mother's hair.
"I need him to learn. What happens when I'm too old to do this myself? Are you going to do it for me?" Han's incredulous look drew a laugh from mother and son.
"You know they have droids for this kind of stuff." was his only reply. Leia scoffed at that.
"Droids don't know what they're doing. Besides my Ben will always be here to help me. Isn't that right baby?" a childish "Uh-huh!" was all she was met with as Ben secured the last braid and exclaimed in happiness.
"Finished! How does it look mama?" He asked as he held the mirror up to his mother. She beamed as she examined her hair in the reflection. Braids were uneven, random pieces of hair were sticking out at various angles, and random pins pinched and poked at various spots on her head.
"Oh it's beautiful baby!"
The memory faded but the laughter remained echoing in his heart as his mother smothered him in hugs and kisses to his chubby face.
Back in present day Kylo Ren finished the last twist on his mother's hair. Each braid in it's proper place and not a hair out place.
He dumped the dirty water and grabbed a new washcloth and returned to her side. This time he took the washcloth and carefully wiped the dirt and grime from her face. When her face was finally clean of all the filth he rested a hand against her cheek and stared at her face. Here was Princess Leia Organa of the planet Alderaan. Commander in the Rebel Alliance, Senator to the New Republic, and finally General of the Resistance. Daughter to Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala. Wife of Han Solo…..mother of Ben Solo.
He left her on the table, waking a protocol droid left here when they abandoned the house.
"Clean and dress my mother to prepare her for burial." the droid stuttered and tried to respond but he had already left the home. It was too much.
Hours later he returned, the droid had done as he commanded, his mother dressed in the tradition of her home planet clean of all remnants from the battle before her death. He carried her in his arms to the mausoleum where he prepared her final resting place. Situated right next to his grandmother was the stone coffin that would house the last princess of Alderaan for eternity.
He gently placed her inside, taking care to situate her head and to cross her arms in front of her stomach. Last he bent down and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead, his tears dripping down and falling on her face.
A last goodbye from Ben Solo to his mother.
As he straightened he stared down at her face once more, his own tears falling from her cheeks as if they were her own. He slid the heavy stone lid into place, a last boom echoing from the coffin as it was sealed forever. It echoed through the room and seeped into his very being and reverberated across his heart until it settled deep in that hollow place in the farthest corners of his mind, where his mother's force signature once pulsed.
Padme Amidala's funeral was a grand solemn event. Her casket passed through the city where thousands lines the streets to catch a glimpse of the beloved senator. She deserved that, his mother deserved to be recognised for the work she did. For the tireless hours she put into building a better republic. He couldn't give that to her. He couldn't let the Resistance plan and execute a funeral befitting such a beloved person as his mother was. But he could do something.
"I laid her to rest on Naboo, her coffin rests in a mausoleum next to my grandmother. I have declared the planet off limits for the First Order. It is to remain free of all fighting. Not even our ships will patrol the area. Do whatever you need." Rey could only nod at the information she was given from the sullen figure in front of her.
"No more quarter will be given scavenger. If you all so much as twitch a finger to try and bring the Resistance back, I will show no mercy." their was no answer from her as the connection ended leaving him alone once more.
Alone.
When has he ever not been?