Have you ever had a secret identity? I have. Ever since I finally arrived on Earth. I got out of my pod and realized that there was something about me that was different. I thought it was because my world had been destroyed and I was alone in the world. When the Danvers took me in, I wasn't alone anymore. Instead, as I began to mature, I also found that I had powers that weren't normal on my planet and they certainly weren't normal for this planet either.
My new father sat me down at a table and my new mother sat on the other side of me. We had to have "the talk". They looked at me with love in their eyes and told me the importance of keeping my powers a secret. How the world around me wouldn't accept me as I was. They would feel that I was a threat. They had one superhero, who had told the world that he was the only Kryptonian to survive. If I was found out, someone could take me away to a lab and I wouldn't be able to live my life. I had tried, in vain, to tell them that the world had accepted Clark. They would accept me too.
My mom put her hand on my arm and told me that the world had accepted Superman. They didn't know who Clark was. He, too, had to keep this part of himself hidden away. My family was the only ones who knew that side of me existed. The world would see a young, white girl from the farm. Inside I knew I was so much more than that. I spent my life lying to my friends. Who I truly am was never something I could share.
When Supergirl had to reveal herself, that part of me had been waiting for so long to come out. It felt amazing. The problem was that I couldn't tell my friends. Lena became one of those friends. By the time we had started our friendship, I had completely understood why I had to stay secret. I knew that as Supergirl, having friends and family could be used as leverage against me. Clark had taught me that. Lois was too important to him. She was vulnerable to attack. He was keeping her safe. His love for her was more important than telling the world who he really was.
Over time, I had realized that my friendship with Lena was more than just friendship to me. Her beauty was incredible. Who she had become to me was support, inspiration, and someone that I enjoyed spending time with. Not just for company, it was really when I wanted time to relax from the responsibility of Supergirl, there was no one else I'd rather be with. Just sitting on her couch, with a glass of wine. It meant the world to me.
The more time we spent together, the more something on the inside of me was starting to gnaw. It started as a few fleeting through the consequences of telling her my secret. Every situation ended our friendship. I would soon realize that I had to keep it up. I had to keep my secret. Losing the friendship would be too hurtful. With everything else in my life, losing her would change my life for the worse.
When I found out that Lena had Kryptonite, I took personal offense. How could she have known that she had hurt her friend so deeply? I didn't trust her. Someone who had never lied to me before, I suddenly felt was a liar. Do you know how hard it is to trust someone that you think has been lying to you? She wasn't lying to me at all, in reality. She had her reasons and why would she have told her friend about what she was doing at work? Why would she have told Supergirl that she had found a way to make the one thing that could take away her powers? She had only used it on Reign, who was murdering humans. I know that if Clark and I were able to survive that others could come to Earth and have similar powers who aren't good hearted. I didn't have the whole story and I didn't think to just ask her for it. Instead, I accused her. I reacted out of hurt.
Now, the situation that I'm in is one that I don't know how to get out of unscathed. Lena has no loyalty to Supergirl. If I tell her that her friend Kara is Supergirl, then she will know that I have lied to her. That breaks her trust. If I keep my identity a secret, how can I live with being friends with who doesn't trust me? If I walk away from her, my life will change in ways that I'm not prepared to handle. If I continue on just to be near her, to hope that this will all just fade away and maybe one day we could even explore what life could be like if we chose to be together.
Maybe that's part of the problem. I've become very good at keeping my own secrets. When Alex came out and told me about how she felt about Maggie, I know that I told her that I didn't understand how she felt. That was me hiding the part of me that longs for the woman that I love. What I didn't understand was how she could share that part of herself with someone else.
Friendship isn't supposed to be complicated. You meet someone that you like and you like to spend time with. You are able to talk about the things that you want to talk about. You share interests and talk about your feelings and your life. When you have a hard day, you have someone to talk about it with. When they have a hard day, you get to be there for them. You laugh with them. You cry with them. They care about you, just as much as you care for them. That all seems easy.
What do you do when they don't trust you? Lena told Supergirl that she would never start a friendship where she didn't trust them. How do you rebuild trust with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you? How do you reconcile that? This is what scares me. My alter ego has already lost Lena. It's worse that I ever could have imagined it could be. It hurts so much already. All I have to do is to call her as Kara and she would be happy to hear from me. I could set up a night for us to hang out and pretend like I'm not hurt inside. I could be near her and laugh and have everything that I want.
I'm terrified. I can't use my powers for this situation. I don't know how to fix this. All I want to do is to talk to her. Tell her the truth and show her that I trust her. Is that enough to overcome the betrayal that she feels? Is that going to overcome the betrayal that I feel? I don't know. I just know that I have to try.