Lincoln ambled down the stairs and through the dining room with his hands in his pockets and a contented smile on his face, intent on fixing himself something for lunch. From his laid back posture and his relatively pleasant expression, you would probably guess that he was pretty happy living in the Loud House.

But you would be wrong.

For beneath that faux-cheerful exterior was a raging maelstrom of angst, bitterness and outright hatred, built up from years of mistreatment at the hands of his ten careless, awful sisters. Sure, he got along better with some of them than others, but what they all had in common was a feeling of thinly veiled disdain and contempt for their only brother. Occasionally, they'd try to mask that disdain by doing nice things for him, like telling him he's perfect the way he is, or buying him a cereal that he really wanted, or writing, choreographing and performing a rock song about how awesome he is and convincing his favorite rock band to join in.

Lincoln wasn't fooled, though. He could see right through them like they were bathing in Windex, as the quintessential songwriter of our time would put it. Deep down, all ten of them were Tumblr feminazis who were going to cut his dick off and sacrifice it to Valerie Solanas at the earliest opportunity, and he knew that to be true because of the time they got in a fight and stole his blanket or something.

All he needed was one slight, one trigger, one spark to set off the powderkeg of indignation resting inside him, and he would explode. In fact, that's exactly what was going to happen to him in just a moment.

You see, when he opened the refrigerator door, he expected to see a delicious sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich that he had been saving for himself for the past few days. Instead, he was aghast to see an empty space where the sandwich once was.

He slammed the fridge door shut and darted his eyes across the room, in search of any pernicious sister who could have absconded with his culinary delight. Lo and behold, there was Lori, the worst of the lot, with a plate covered in crumbs and teriyaki sauce on the table in front of her.

Lincoln's reaction was instantaneous. His face turned from a pale peach to a raging crimson, his teeth started gnashing together, and geysers of steam came gushing out of his ears and nostrils, emitting a whistle comparable to that of a locomotive. Lori, more than a little perturbed by his reaction, decided to ask him what the problem was...

...which proved to be an unwise decision, since as soon as she opened her mouth, Lincoln went off.

"LORI, YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU ATE MY FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU CUM-GUZZLING SLUT!"

This got the attention of some of the other family members - Lynn Sr., Lucy and Lola, to be exact - who all stopped what they were doing and ran down to the kitchen to see what was the matter. Lori, again, tried to respond to Lincoln, and was once again cut off when Lincoln jumped onto the table and started hooting and screeching like a baboon with rabies.

"This is why I hate living with you, you cock monger! All you ever do is shit on me like I'm a toilet at Taco Bell!"

"Lincoln, enough!" cried Lori, who was already starting to grow tired of Lincoln's screeching. "Look, I'm sorry I ate your sandwich, okay? I didn't know it was yours."

"Oh, bullshit, you dick jockey! Who else in this family eats sweet onion chicken teriyaki?!"

"Wha... everyone! It's the best sandwich anyone's ever tasted!"

This, predictably, didn't placate Lincoln one bit (though he did agree that there has never been a sandwich as delicious) and the rest of the family was too stunned to reply, so Lori decided to try a different tactic.

"Look, if it means that much to you, I'll give you ten dollars so you can buy yourself another sandwich. I'll even let you keep the change."

"Oh, really, Lori?" snapped Lincoln. "Ten dollars, huh? Will ten dollars be enough to pay the hospital to fix my soul after you tore it out and raped it?!"

Lori, completely flummoxed by this line of questioning, could only respond with a prolonged, "Ummmm..."

"The answer is no, Lori! No, it fucking won't!"

It was then that Lynn Sr. finally decided to get off his ass and act like a parent for once in his godforsaken life. "Lincoln Loud!" he said sharply, cutting through the crowd and staring him down as he marched into the kitchen. "That kind of language will not be tolerated in this house!"

"Then I'll leave!" he shouted. "I'm sick of living with Slutty McSlutSlut and her nine evil henchwomen anyway!"

He then stomped his way out of the kitchen, shoving past his flabbergasted sisters and parents as he stormed into the living room. As he neared the front door, one sister decided to try to coax him to stay. This would prove to be the worst mistake she ever made.

"Lincoln!" Lola cried out, chasing him across the room. "I-"

"LOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Lincoln whirled around 180 degrees and roared his little sister's name with all the ferocity of a wrathful god. As he roared, the entire house started rattling so violently it threatened to break free from its foundation, while the lights flickered on and off and bolts of lightning rained down from the ceiling. Lincoln then tore off his shirt, and his entire body started erupting with muscles. Bigger and bigger he grew, sprouting three-inch thick pecs and cannonball-sized shoulders as his stomach solidified into a diamond-hard eight-pack. He then flexed his biceps, which exploded into bowling ball-sized boulders. One of them displayed an animated tattoo of Lola being run over by a freight train, and then hanged, and then shot at repeatedly with grenade launchers. Lola got the feeling that it was a pretty good time to run, and tried to make a break for it.

But it was too late. Before she could take one step, Lincoln hammered her in the head with his powerful fists, again and again and again. His punches gradually picked up speed until they were being thrown at the speed of an average minigun, all while the deafening cracks of Lola's bones being pulverized echoed throughout the house. Eventually, the punches slowed to a stop, and by that time, Lola was reduced to a bloody, amorphous pile of mush on the carpet.

Lincoln let out a sigh of exhaustion and shrank back to his normal, non-ripped size. "Now, if you'll excuse me," he said as he walked back towards the front door, "I'm going to leave you all behind and buy a one-way ticket to Kyrgyzstan. Auf wiedersehen."

"Lincoln, wait," said Lucy, without even bothering to raise her voice past its normal level. Sadly, her desperate plea went unheeded, as Lincoln stomped out of the house in a huff and slammed the door behind him.

Lincoln, being the shrewd planner that he was, chose the Central Asian republic of Kyrgyzstan as his new home for one reason; his family would never be able to track him down. He reasoned that there was no way for them to find a country that they couldn't even spell. Unfortunately, he failed to account for Lisa, who could spell Kyrgyzstan since she's a scientist and being a scientist means knowing absolutely everything ever.

But I digress.

The family members present were left in awed silence, as they took a moment to contemplate why Lincoln decided to throw that massive temper tantrum and how they would ever get by without the melodious sound of his kvetching echoing throughout the halls of the house.

While all that was happening, Lana bounded downstairs, as the commotion got her attention. As soon as she reached the living room, she was met with the horrifying, nauseating sight of her twin's bloody, pulsating remains oozing all over the floor. Mortified, she opened her mouth and screamed...

"MOOOOMMM! LOLA'S MESSING UP THE CARPET!"

ATUHOR'S NOSE: Wow, this was a long time coming, am I right? I'm so glad I'm finally getting this out of my system. I mean, Lincoln's sisters are all a bunch of stuck-up harpies and they deserve to get punished for it! Except Luna, of course.

Oh, and I loved writing that last scene with Lola. It made me so giddy inside to imagine her getting brutalized, and shame on you if you think that's even a little creepy or psychotic. Also, fav and follow if you think that Bobby should totally dump Lori and hook up with Luna instead!