It's not over, an american horror story fanfic

You look so beautiful in your black dress, your hair falling down your small shoulders and lips painted as red as the blood I painted the library walls with. Under your eyes there are little black spots, framing your beautiful big eyes. You stare at your reflection in the mirror, you're sobbing silently. Your mom is downstairs yelling, she's mad at you. You're dead, yet you still don't wanna spend time with your parents. But it's not your fault, they never cared about you. They never realized how you ran the razorblades down your pale wrists, never realized how you were skipping meals. Never realized how much you hated your life - how you thought you were going crazy, and took too many pills. You took so many, Violet. I tried to save you. But now as I'm standing behind you, invisible, I wonder if I did the right thing? What if I would've tried harder? I should've pushed my fingers deeper to your throat, make you throw up all of the pills. But I was being selfish. I wanted you.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you - or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

I wonder if you ever miss me. I miss you every day, I miss you more than anything. Not like there would be many things for me to miss. You, and Adelaide. I've lost the two things I loved most in the world, and I bet you have no idea how much it hurts. Your parents died with you in here, and even if you don't wanna see them, you always know that they will be around. My dad left when I was only six. My mom is a cocksucker. My brother died, he's in the attic - but Beau doesn't understand. My sister died, because someone ran over her with a car. And you. You were the only thing making me happy, and you sent me away. I have to watch you every day, every goddamn day. I have to watch you falling apart to the bathroom floor, have to watch how you cry yourself to sleep every night. How you cut your wrists over and over again, being annoyed by the fact that everytime you lift the blade away from your skin, the cut fades away slowly. I wonder if you would still kill yourself, if you had a second chance? I wonder if I even made your life better, if I didn't make it better like you did mine.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I remember every word you said to me. I remember the first time you told me you loved me. Do you have any idea of how good it felt? I felt like my smile could reach my ears, those three words made me feel alive again - I felt the need to make someone happy, Violet. I wanted to make you happy. Never in my life have I wanted to make someone happy, be the perfect person. My mom always wanted me to be the perfect son, but for her I never wanted to be the perfect son. She had this crazy fantasy that I would do anything she ever asked me to. Make good grades, go to a great school, have lots of friends... Get married young and have lots of kids. She wanted me to be the guy everyone loved. But for her? I wouldn't do any of that shit for her. But you, Violet, for you I would've been anything you ever asked for. Why did you sent me away, Vi? Why can't you understand that I did what I had to do? Nora wanted a baby, and I wanted to give her one. Violet, she saved my life when I moved in here! Try to understand!

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

If I had the chance, I would take it all back. Of course I would. Do you believe me? I would. I would do anything for you, Violet. I would kill people for you if you wanted, but I know that's not what you want. I know you just want someone to talk with, someone to sleep next to with. You know, it's funny, I've never really cared about anyone so much that seeing them cry would make me die inside. Except for Addie, of course. But you, Violet... When I see those small salty tears fall down your cheeks, leaving black stripes all over your face... I wish I could appear to you, hold you, caress your soft skin and kiss away the pain. Would you let me do it? Do you hate me, Violet?

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I hurt myself everyday. I've killed myself so many times, I've already lost the count. But I know I've done it over hundred times. Hayden tries to hit on me all the time, but I've told her that I'm not interested of anything in her. The only person I would touch that way is you, Violet. You, only you, if you want me to. Never if you don't want it. Do you remember your first time? Our first time. I was your first one. Did it hurt? You told me it didn't, and I hope you didn't lie. I tried to be as gentle as I could, I didn't wanna hurt you. I'll never wanna hurt you, Violet. But I know I'm hurting you, every second, even if I'm not doing it on purpose. I know that what I did broke you, broke your heart. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't do it on purpose, Violet! I love you. You're the only light I've ever known. Remember when you asked me if I really am here? I answered that I would always be here if that's what you want. Do you want it?

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I wach as your head falls to your hands, and how your body shivers from the strength of your sobs. God, how I wanna twist my arms around you, how I wanna comfort you. Why isn't anyone looking after you? Where the hell are your parents? Do they really even care about you? You cry out loud, and I have to take a step further from you because you throw a glass vase from your table in my way. Do you see me? Do you feel my presence? Do you need me, Violet? If you need me, you know what you have to do. Open your mouth, and say my name with your voice that's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I'd be holding you in my arms in a heartbeat, Vi. Just say my name. I can't take all your pain away, but I promise I'll try to make you feel better.

You lift your head up, and if I was visible, you would see me from the mirror. You stare at your pale face, how your lower eyelids are black as the night outside. Your lipstick is now all over your face. As you blink your eyes, time after time, your eyelashes leave wet, black spots around your eyes. My God, Violet - how beautiful you look in the moonlight. You look like a Goddess, even with your makeup spread all over your face. You turn to look at your wrists, and the fact that I know what's going in your mind at that very second, is making me wanna vomit. I can't stand seeing you hurting yourself, and it's even worse when I know I can't do anything to stop you from it. I know why you do it - you want your thoughts to go away from your miserable life. You pull the box of your cabinet open, grab a blade and place it roughly to your inner wrist. You don't cut from side to side - you cut vertically, like I once told you. I'm so sorry for telling you that, Violet. I didn't want you to kill yourself. I just tried to make you think I'm interesting, if I happen to know about suicidal things. It was such a stupid thing to do. I'm sorry. Your blood runs down your hands, and I can see a bittersweet smile taking over your lips. You let out a dry laugh, as you dig the blade deeper and deeper down your arms. I'm biting my tongue and fighting the urge to appear and throw that blade against your dark walls. But I can't do it, I promised to stay away until you call my name.

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

I miss you, Violet. I miss you like hell. I turn my head down as I hear footsteps heading towards your room, and I find myself from the basement. I can hear the screams coming from your room, as you fight with your mother. I walk to the cabinet that's in the left corner of the room I always kill myself in, and take a gun from the only box that's left in it. I stare at the weapon in my hands for a small second, before placing it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It hurts for about five seconds, but those five seconds are meaningless to me. The walls are painted with my brains, and the floor is covered with my blood. It hurts, but I can stand it. You see, I was never afraid of anything. But you know what they say - a woman is the most dangerous weapon in this world. Nothing can ever hurt me as much as it hurts me to live without you, Violet.