Before The Wedding

Chapter 1

"Cor-,"...

"What?!" Cory knew he sounded impatient, but he was nerved up, about to get married. And Shawn had been acting weird for the past few days. If he had something to say, he had to just come out with it.

"Don't do this, ok?"

"Why not? Why the hell not, Shawn? Give me one good reason. Just one." Shawn paused for a moment, long enough for Cory, dressed to the nines and ready to walk out there to his destiny, to start to turn away. As if he could pretend what Shawn might have to say could have no import. Shawn took a deep, fortifying breath.

"Because I can't live without you." He's shocked at himself that he's been able to say the words. Cory's shoulders slumped slightly, he stopped turning away and he swung around to face Shawn. His face lit up with a relieved smile.

"Well, I can't live without you either, Shawnie. But it's not like we'll have to. I'm just getting married, not moving to the moon." Shawn had to wince at the affectionate nickname getting thrown out so casually. Cory saw it.

"Hey, we'll always be best buds...me marrying Topanga isn't going to stop that," he reassured his friend. Shawn's eyes filled with a sadness he'd never known, but Cory was too preoccupied to see it. He only had a moment to decide whether to clarify himself, but it had never really been a decision.

"No, Cory," he got out, "That's not what I mean...,"and another deep breath. "I mean it's going to kill me to watch you marry her. Because I love you. Because that should be me up there." God, did he have to paint the boy a picture? Knowing Cory as well as he did, probably. Cory screwed up his face and squinted at Shawn.

"What are you...saying?" Cory started.

"What does it sound like?" Shawn countered, turning red in the face and feeling his breath coming in shorter gulps. If Cory didn't catch on soon, he was going to have to bolt, just run. His fallback. It had taken a week of deliberating with himself to think of saying anything, but if he let them go to the altar without at least trying, he knew he'd never forgive himself. "I mean, I- I'm in love with you." And there it was. Eighteen years of devotion summed it in a few puny little words. As much as Mr. Turner had tried to teach them that words were powerful, well, Shawn would believe it when he saw it.

Cory finally turned fully to face Shawn at this, at least. His eyes were wide, his mouth slightly agape. Shawn could almost see him deflate as he attempted to process this. "You're...in love...with me...," he barely stammered out. All he could do was stare stupidly for a moment. Stare at his Shawn that he had shared so many moments with, so many growing pains and experiences and classes and friends and enemies and conversations with.

Suddenly a head popped around the white curtain that Cory had turned his back on to face Shawn a moment ago.

"We're ready for you, Cor," Mr. Matthews said with a warm smile, and his head disappeared out of sight again. Cory almost turned instinctively towards the curtain and the roll he was set to fulfill but his face was still a bewildered canvas of unknown emotion. He stopped his body midturn and kept staring at Shawn, who was barely breathing by now and could only look at the floor. If Cory may have had any idea Shawn was only joking, that idea had no choice but to take a nosedive with one look at Shawn. Cory wasn't sure he'd ever seen his friend so scared...no...petrified.

"Shawn, are you okay?" Cory asked.

"No," came the answer, its speaker still not looking up. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again. But I knew I had to say something."

"Now, though?" Cory exclaimed. "You pick now to say it? I should be out there by now, ready to line up. The music's going to start any second." As if Shawn needed a reminder of how much of screw up he is, that he couldn't have done this at a more convenient time. He just knew, irrevocably, that he could not watch the love of his life marry someone else and he sure as hell could not be a part of it. Yes, he'd gone through the motions in the past few weeks, getting the tux fitted, writing a half hearted best man toast, even arranging a bachelor's party that his heart was not in at all. And he swore, he swore to himself that with the drinks in him that night, he was going to confess then, tell Cory how he felt and that he shouldn't be getting married. But then just as soon as they'd had the chance to be alone, Cory had run to Topanga's, claiming he missed her too much and wanted to reassure her that nothing untoward had happened at the bachelor party. Leaving Shawn alone. Again. That seemed to be a specialty of Cory's lately, abandoning him for her. Not like Shawn could even blame him. He loved the girl, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. But Shawn had decided that at the very least, he could save himself by not being there to passively get his heart broken. Yet here he was, come this far, tux on, hair perfectly done, sprig of baby's breath in his lapel, ready to take his place in the procession that would take Cory from him forever. He was doing it for him. Because Cory had asked him to; because he could never deny Cory anything he asked. But this was going to break him. Maybe it already had.

"Then go," Shawn said, barely above a whisper. He finally looked up at Cory, his green eyes glazed with moisture. "If you can go out there and marry her and leave me behind forever, then just do it. I'll try to understand someday. But I'm out of here." He started towards the curtain before he lost his nerve, knowing it was the only way out and knowing he'd have to walk past at least the male side of the wedding party on his way out of the actual building. As he passed by Cory, he started bracing himself for the eyes and the questions that he would ignore as he ran away. But then Cory's hand was on his arm, bringing him up short.

"Shawn, wait," Cory started. Shawn obeyed, and they stood frozen, Shawn staring ahead, his expression as steely as he could achieve, and Cory willing him to look at him but unsure of what to say. To consider that Shawn was in love with him; that was crazy, Cory thought. But was it? Was it really? They'd shared everything in life thus far together. They were closer friends than anyone he knew. And it was breaking his heart to see Shawn in this much obvious pain right now. "Shawn, look at me. Please." And Shawn rose his head and lifted his eyes to look into Cory's, those gorgeous green eyes that Cory had been jealous of for years. The pain that Cory saw there stabbed him like a knife. He knew in that moment that Shawn's happiness and perhaps his sanity rested with him and him alone.

"You know I love you, Shawn," Cory said.

"If you love me then you won't do this," came the reply in a very small voice.

"I can't just leave Topanga at the altar," Cory answered. "We've kind of been waiting our whole lives for this." As he said it he knew it was the wrong thing. True tears started brimming in Shawn's eyes, but his look was still cold. What could possibly be the right thing to say right now, though?

"Kiss me," said Shawn.

"What?" Cory said.

"You heard me. I said, kiss me. Kiss me just once, just give me that much, and if you feel nothing, we need never talk about this again. It'll be like it never happened." Shawn didn't add that they would never talk about it again because Cory would never have to see him again because he'd be gone, but he knew Cory wouldn't let him get two steps away from him if he said that.

Cory studied the face that he knew so well, the pale skin over slightly sunken cheeks, the full pouty lips, the long dark lashes hiding those piercing eyes, the thick black brows. He'd be lying to himself if he said that he didn't think Shawn was attractive. Of course he was hot. But Cory had always taken that to mean that he was just jealous of his looks, because he could get any girl he wanted. He knew he didn't have much time to scrutinize these thoughts though. Shawn was looking at him like a wounded animal. It was a look that Cory had seen before, to be sure, but never this raw. Cory's instinct was to do whatever it took to make that look go away, to make his Shawn feel better and be happy again. Just like he'd been doing for years. So that's how he found himself moving in closer to Shawn, his hand still holding Shawn's bicep and the other one coming up to his friend's other arm to mirror it. He had no idea what he was doing, he'd never kissed a guy before, but this was just Shawn, Shawn who knew him better than anyone.

And suddenly it was Shawn's lips on his, gently at first, Shawn's hands that had come up to grab his forearms, Shawn's hair that was tickling his nose as the kiss grew longer than Cory had remotely expected. Not that he'd had time to expect much. But if he had, this certainly would not have been it. Shawn's lips were so soft, and just the right amount of wet, and putting just the right amount of pressure on Cory's lips. The two best friends stood there in the center of the backroom of the little church that Topanga had picked out to get married in, clinging onto each other's arms, not sure who was holding who up. Shawn was the one that pulled away slowly, his eyes boring into Cory's soul. Both were breathless.

A sudden voice made them jump ten feet, hearts racing.

"I know you're nervous but you have to come out now, guys." Mr. Matthews again, before stepping around the white curtain. "We need to line up." Then he took in the sight of the two young men standing and clinging to each other, both flushed and breathing hard. Cory's dad smiled. "It's nice to see you two are still as close as ever and there for each other. But, Shawn, you have to give him up to his wife now." His voice was warm and teasing.

Shawn did not take his eyes off of Cory's, the question hanging unspoken between them. Did you feel that? You must have felt that?!

"C'mon, Cor," Mr. Matthews said expectantly, putting an arm around his son's shoulders, ready to lead him away. If he'd been willing to think about it, he could vaguely tell there was some sort of tension in the air, but he was not a man to analyze emotions right away. Shawn let his arms fall to his sides and out of Cory's grasp slowly. He'd done what he could. Whatever decision Cory was going to make he would have to make it independently. Cory's eyes fell to the floor, his expression dazed. And as Shawn watched, he allowed himself to be led away by his father, steered towards the white curtain that represented the end to Shawn.

"C'mon, you too, Shawn, we need both of you for the wedding party," Mr. Matthews said, almost chuckling. Shawn could practically feel his heart tied to Cory's, and he told himself that's why he didn't just run in the opposite direction, why he meekly followed the Matthews and took his position on Morgan's young arm. He forced himself to go numb, at least on the outside, so he could keep putting one foot in front of the other. The next moments were a haze of powder blue dresses, black tuxedos, and music that sounded like a funeral march to Shawn. He knew where to step, where to go; just followed along behind the others until he was standing next to Eric with a pastor on his other side.

Then he was watching the love of his life walk slowly but steadily up the aisle. Shawn drank in the sight of him, the last view he would ever have of his friend. The only reason he hadn't bolted yet was because he couldn't let Cory and his family down. He would see him through this if it killed him. Their friendship demanded that much. In the celebration afterwards he would get lost in the crowd forever. It would be easier to slip away then anyway. He noticed Cory was pointedly not looking at him. Fine. It was better that way. Shawn was having all he could do to keep a mask on, if Cory had looked at him it's all too probable it would have slipped.

Cory wasn't smiling and he had a far away look in his eyes, but no one seemed to notice. Everybody around him was all just so happy; everyone but Shawn. Cory couldn't look at him. He wanted to, he wanted to more than anything, but he was scared that if he did, the precarious grip on sanity that he'd managed to gain back since the Kiss would fall away. He was here to marry Topanga, the girl he'd loved since he was six. But what about the boy he'd loved since he was six?, came a little voice. Was following through with this worth breaking that boy's heart, that boy that you've fought to protect for fourteen years and told you'd always be there for?

A gasp and then an "awww" came floating up from the assembled guests as the music turned to "Here Comes The Bride." Topanga was stunning, breathtaking in her strapless sparkly white gown. Her wide eyes held fear but exhiliration as she took her halting steps down the aisle to Cory. The sight of her drove every other thought from Cory's mind. This is what he'd been waiting for, this is where he was meant to be.

Shawn watched Topanga approach the altar, and he swallowed a lump in his throat as the pastor started his lines. The way Cory looked at her, the way she looked back at him, like they were each other's ports in a storm. That was what they both deserved. Not Shawn trying to ruin that for them. Mr. Matthews was right, he had to give Cory up to her. Shawn did love Topanga like the sister he'd never had and he knew she'd take care of Cory. Probably better than Shawn could, even if parallel universes could happen, if he was being honest with himself. Plus it was his own fault for not saying something sooner; he'd had, what? at least five years that he'd known. But all that time Cory had been devoted to Topanga, and Shawn wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant Shawn's happiness. The pastor droned on and Shawn kept his eyes on the tip of Cory's shined shoe, unable to actually watch his heart get torn out. He kept himself lost in his self flagellating thoughts, blaming himself for how he'd ended up and telling himself he could run soon. So soon.

"Do you, Cory James Matthews, take Topanga Anne Lawrence, to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Pastor Dave asked, in gravid but warm tones.

Cory smiled for the first time since he'd been standing at the altar and looked deep into Topanga's eyes. He took a breath and opened his mouth to seal his fate.

"No. No I don't," fell out of his mouth, which suddenly was no longer smiling. Cory couldn't hear the dead silence that greeted these words, because his ears were filled with a buzzing and he broke out into a cold sweat, his hands slipping from Topanga's grasp. He was aware she was staring at him in open mouthed, wide-eyed shock, as were most of the rest of the people in the room. "I-I-," his voice broke out, "I can't do this." He took two stumbling steps back, almost into Eric, and then his body carried him down the aisle and out the door of the church, almost without him knowing.

"Cory!" shouted Mr. Matthews, who was the first to recover a voice. He ran down the aisle following his son, who'd already made it outside. It wasn't the moment of sudden silence or the shout that brought Shawn out of his stupor, it was the wail that came clawing its way out of Topanga. She looked wildly around, tears obscuring her vision, and reached for the first, most familiar face she saw. Shawn caught her and somehow managed to keep them both upright. Meanwhile the church had erupted with shocked voices, hushed at first then becoming more bold, no one having known what just happened, or at least why. Shawn walked Topanga to the first row of pews, towards her parents that could take over for him in holding their daughter. He was trying to work out what had happened. Last he knew the vows were being said, and now everything was in an uproar. And Cory was nowhere to be seen. As much as Shawn was trying to be separate from all of this, that was something he couldn't ignore. Nor the fact that Topanga would not let go of him. Her mother had her arm around her shoulders, trying to gently draw her away, but Topanga's arms were locked around Shawn.

"It's ok, I've got her," Shawn heard himself telling the Lawrences, and he lowered himself and Topanga into a now-empty pew. She wasn't wailing anymore, she wasn't making much sound at all, but she was crying, her face buried in Shawn's jacket, covering him in makeup. He could feel way more eyes on him than he ever wanted, as people watched the beautiful jilted bride hold onto him for dear life. He did all he could do in that moment, and held her back, just as close. If she hadn't been crying, they would have looked like lovers. And maybe to some people they did anyway; Shawn could feel some of the sets of eyes questioning. Especially after what had just happened, some who didn't know better might wonder if this display might hold some answers they were all desperate for. Shawn blocked them out as thoroughly as he had just a few minutes before.

"Topanga, honey, breath," he whispered. He brought a clumsy hand up off of her bare shoulder and started stroking her hair, all done up in product and stuck with bobby pins and sparkly barrettes. "It's going to be all right," he lied.

"How could he? How could he do it?" she whimpered into his chest.

"I don't know," Shawn said, this time truthfully. It was still sinking into Shawn's brain that he had done it, that Cory had literally run away from Topanga at the altar. Had Shawn caused him to...with that kiss...Well, isn't this what he had wanted then? Isn't this what Shawn had been going for when he told Cory not to marry her on their wedding day? No, he told himself adamantly. He had never wanted this. Topanga brought her head up finally to look at Shawn. His eyes rested on her tear and makeup streaked face, his heart aching for her.

"Shawn, why? Why did he do it? Out of anybody, you know him the best. You must know why he did it," she begged.

"I wish I did, I really do," Shawn said, and this was also the truth. It occured to him just how much of a secret he and Cory had created now, beginning with the Kiss and now with Cory's running. As close of friends as they were, Shawn could not tell Topanga what had happened between him and Cory moments before their would-be wedding, at least not at this moment. And, Shawn had to reflect, was that really what had caused Cory to bolt? Was one kiss going to derail everything Cory had wanted for years? Shawn was known as a good kisser, but c'mon, he told himself with an inner smirk. Topanga sighed, resigned for the moment, and her head came back down to Shawn's shoulder.

As odd as it felt to be sitting there holding his best friend's girl (or was she anymore?), Shawn childishly wished they could stay like that for just awhile longer. No hard questions, no figuring things out, no confused emotions; just hiding from the world together. Of course the world came rushing back too quick. Mr. Matthews had come back and he was panting, with an expectant crowd gathering around him.

"I couldn't catch him," he breathed. "He must have been running as soon as he cleared the door."

"Aww, Alan," came Mrs. Matthews. "We have to find him. Someone's got to talk to him. Poor Topanga." She was nearly in tears herself. Shawn felt more attention being centered on him and Topanga as the Matthews came over to them. "Topanga, I am so sorry," Mrs. Matthews said, "I can't believe Cory would do something like this. We'll find him and we'll figure everything out." Topanga nodded, raising her head. The initial rush of intense emotion seemed to be passing as everyone's objectives turned to what to do next. The obvious step seemed to be to find the runaway groom. Eric started wrangling the extended Matthews family, trying to distract them. Secretly he didn't blame Cory one bit for running; twenty one was way too young to get married and now at least this had turned into an interesting show. He did feel bad for Topanga though; that part sucked.

Mr. Lawrence, not sure what to do with himself, went to his family in turn and started making plans to either go back to where they were staying or remain at the church and wait. Mrs. Lawrence had stayed hovering near her daughter, waiting for her to be willing to find comfort in her mother instead of this dark haired boy that Mrs. Lawrence had never quite been able to trust, though she knew he was a dear friend of the groom's. Well, the would-be groom.

"What do you think, Shawn?" Mr. Matthews asked, "Any ideas on where Cory would have gone? You must have some, you know him better than anybody." Shawn bit back annoyance at this. He knew him better than anybody, everybody kept saying...even his own parents, even his own bride...why was Cory suddenly his responsibility? He realized that he was though, in a way. And if Shawn didn't look out for him, no one else might. It wasn't that all the people gathered around didn't care about Cory, but they all wanted answers from him right now. Perhaps Shawn could protect his friend for a bit anyway.

"There's a few places I can think of," he started.