A/N: Hullo everybody. This is my first IZ fic but as you can tell I've been reading them for the better part of two years. This story was inspired by Vampires Suck, which is possibly the most epic movie ever besides Scott Pilgrim. I know this thing has nothing to do with vampires, but I saw Vampires Suck and I felt like doing a parody of my own. And so I thought, what is something that the fan fiction community hates with a fiery burning passion? And I answered myself: Mary Sues. So I created the Mother Mary, so to speak, of the IZ fandom. Please enjoy her revoltingness!
Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim. Although I've been saving up and that might change pretty soon...
Once upon a time (Yeah, I went there) a slight problem cropped up at the Irken birthing facility. Some total moron had left a smeet's holding chamber wide open, just sitting around. It already had a little smeet inside, waiting to grow. All anyone had to do was pop it into an incubation chamber. But it was not to be.
Not until one of the workers had tripped while holding a tray with Irken cola, the equivalent of cotton candy, a little pink plastic tiara, and a charm bracelet with a little heart and a butterfly on it, anyway. He dumped the entire thing into the holding chamber. What an idiot! You may be wondering, at this point, why he had all that random girly stuff on a tray in the middle of a birthing facility. It was actually something called a Nonsensical Plot Device, or a plot device that has no reasoning behind it. These are used often when authors are bored or lazy.
Moving on. After that, the head of that sector began to wonder why the container had been sitting there open so long, and called to have it incubated. But not before another worker dumped a bunch of rainbow glitter into the chamber, because y'know, he figured what the heck. Not long after, a baby smeet was fully developed- a female. She was given a PAK and shunted onto a conveyor belt to be infused with all Irken knowledge. However by another freak coincidence the computer got messed up and just electrocuted her instead. As a result, her brain didn't fully develop and her memory was permanently damaged.
Still, she didn't die, so they just sent her along to be named. Her name was Miz. But there was an Error 211539 in the naming computer, something about it being too clichéd, and they changed her name to Ditz instead. Ditz grew to be a very (physically) healthy and beautiful young Irken, and here is where a painfully long description should be inserted so here it is.
She had really really really really reallyreallyreallyREALLY long antennae that dragged along the ground behind her on the floor. They were about six inches thick, brightly patterned with all of the colors of the rainbow, and had little sparkly disco ball thingies on the ends. Ditz had to use curlers at night and a curling iron in the morning, even though they were already naturally curled, because it made them roll up several extra feet. Her eyes were a brilliant and luminous silver, but they had no depth. Her eyelashes were huge and thick and luscious and jutted out at least a foot from her face, and she had to keep applying mascara every ten minutes so that they wouldn't get frizzy. The uniform she wore was also silver, and there was a big hot pink heart adorning the front of it, surrounded by a ring of butterflies. Sickening, isn't it? She had (you guessed it) pink boots, pink gloves, and pink sequined sleeves. Her pants were bejeweled silver. To top it all off, she accessorized her PAK with a bow. Ditz's whole outfit accentuated her sexy curves, because even though no one is sure girl Irkens are even supposed to HAVE sexy curves, she is a female Mary Sue and sexy curves are a must. Now, about her personality: Do you really need me to describe it? If so, you have no imagination. What are you doing on this website? Are you an idiot? Take a clue from her name, dummy.
Now that your brain cells have been properly numbed, let's get on with the story, shall we? One day, Ditz saw a large poster advertisement that read: BE AN INVADER! HELP YOUR PLANET'S CAUSE! (YOU PROBABLY WON'T DIE.) That was all it took to convince our dimwitted little heroine to give up her lifelong dream of becoming a pop star/fashion designer, quit her vocal lessons, drop out of dance class, burn all of her designs (Which was probably a good thing, as they were all so sparkly they could have blinded anyone within five feet of them), and enroll in Invader training. There, she met Zim, and by met I mean watched as he introduced himself in front of the class. She fell completely, unconditionally, irrevocably, and unexplainably in love with him. He forgot her name within five seconds of learning it.
After Zim was banished, Ditz stopped coming to Invader training. She sat in her little one-room apartment, lying on her bed, sobbing herself to sleep, waking up and then sobbing some more. She cried her eyes out, ruined her mascara, listened to so much Simple Plan it couldn't possibly be healthy for her already crumbling mental state (although just listening to a few of their songs can have the same effect on any normal person), and painted many beautiful works of art using lots of blue. Then, after many months of this pattern, she suddenly had a self-realization moment, decided to take action in her life, and got over Zim. Ditz decided to get out of the house.
Coincidentally that was the day of the Great Assigning. As soon as Ditz saw Zim up there on that stage, she fell completely, unconditionally, irrevocably, and unexplainably back in love with him. She was about to run to him and proclaim her love in a loud dramatic musical number, but just then a pair of Irken Officials found her and arrested her for not wiggling her antennae in salute to the Tallest. Ditz begged and begged to be allowed to stay and finish watching the Assigning. When begging didn't work she bugged her eyes out and glittered them as pleadingly as possible. The Officials grudgingly allowed her to stay until the end.
Ditz was then put on trial for a full year and given daily shock therapy until she finally managed to convince the judges that she couldn't wiggle her antennae because they were too heavy, but she had however wagged them back and forth in a somewhat respectful manner. Tragically by that point she had been electrocuted one time too many, and was forever afflicted with a Valley Girl accent.
As soon as she was released Ditz rushed to the Tallest and pleaded to be allowed to follow Zim to Earth, and we finally get to the point in this chapter where someone actually speaks.
"Like, My Tallest," Ditz begged tearfully, "Like, please, I like, implore you! Let me, like, follow my sweet Zim to Earth! Like, my Zimmeh like needs me!"
"Y'know Pur," Tallest Red whispered to his co-ruler, "I hate to say it but I think we may have found someone even more annoying and delusional than Zim."
"Yeah… Kinda scares me a little." Purple replied. He addressed Ditz. "Give us a moment to consult on your case in private." She nodded and smiled brightly; so brightly in fact that she began to glow like a floodlight. All of the Elite Soldiers in the room put on pairs of shades that made them look totally gangsta. They were used to Mary Sues doing weird stuff like this. Red and Purple just turned around. In the meantime after her glow faded, Ditz began applying more mascara. That glow thing had made it all melt off.
"Okay. What should we do with her?" Purple asked, glancing back at Ditz, who was artfully smudging her makeup so that she looked more tearstained and helpless. Red thought for a minute.
"Hmm… Well, we could just deactivate her. I mean, sure, Irken females are significantly less mainstream, but she's so freaking annoying!" Purple nodded.
"Very true. " He replied.
"Or we could just send her off to Zim and make her his problem." Red suggested. Purple nodded again and smiled maliciously.
"I like that idea." He glanced back at Ditz again, who, noticing that she was being glanced back at, immediately put some drops in her already tear-filled silver eyes to make them shine and glimmer more. "Still," continued Purple, "I never thought I'd say it, but if we did that I'd feel maybe a little bit sorry for Zim. Only a little. Or maybe I'd just be glad that I wasn't him." Red shrugged.
"I guess. Or, wait, we could refuse to let her go and enjoy her pitiful sobbing, and then deactivate her!" Purple thought it over.
"That would be entertaining, but it would also be us cutting down on the already depleted female Irken population. Even though we don't do natural birth anymore, more females means more female DNA samples and more female smeets." He pointed out.
"You've got a point, Pur," said Red. "Hm. We'll just ship her off to Zim then. Oh, and I've got another idea…" He whispered something to Purple, who smiled and nodded yet again.
"Ooh. Perfect."
First Purple addressed the Elite Soldiers. "Officers! Leave us in peace." They trooped out. The Tallest turned to face Ditz, who was still occupied with applying makeup.
"Like, my Tallest?" She chirped, adding still more eye drops fro good measure.
"We have agreed to ship you off to-I mean allow you to visit Zim."
Ditz gasped, overjoyed. "Like My Tallest, I'm like, ever filled with like, gratitude!" Red held up a hand.
"Hold on! We'll allow you to see Zim, but on one condition: That you stop saying "like" so often! Have you ever listened to yourself? Do you have any idea how annoying your stupid accent is?"
Ditz gasped again. "But, like, My Tallest, like, my accent is like, part of, like, my like Tragic Past! It like, took like, this whole like, chapter to like, establish my like, Tragic Past! I'm not like, sure like, it would like, make sense to like, take away the like result of it!"
Purple stared in slack-jawed disbelief. "WHAT THE IRK! You just said "like" fifteen times!" He cried.
"Y'know what, forget the stupid female population!" Red growled, whipping out a plasma gun from Who Knows Where. "I just really hate you!" And he shot Ditz in her smooth, gently sloping forehead. A large hole was punched through the once flawless skin. The plasma laser shot burned all the way through her skull and out the other side, so that you could literally see right through her head. Her expression changed to that of one who is severely mentally handicapped, and she dropped to the floor, uttering a last nonsense syllable as she went.
"Dahr!" The plasma shot continued out the back of her skull and began burning through the metal of the ship. That was the thing with plasma guns; they just kept burning. Eventually it would burn right through the hull. They would need to put a patch on the hole to keep the oxygen from escaping. But that would come later.
Purple clapped Red on the back, grinning. "Woo! All right! Way to go, Red! You totally shot her!" Red smirked and blew the nonexistent smoke off of the barrel of the plasma gun. The effect was nonetheless impressive.
"Yeah. Yeah I did. That was awesome! I haven't been allowed to actually shoot someone since foot soldier days!"
Purple laughed. "I remember! That was pretty awesome. I'd say this calls for some nachos!" Red did a fist pump, even though he can't technically make a fist with only two fingers.
"Oh yeah! Nacho time!" So the Tallest went and gorged on nachos and magically managed not to get fat because they are just cool like that. Ditz was dumped out the airlock, and her body left to be eaten by the Veelar Scourge Parasites of the Quagnar Galaxy (She happened to be floating in their direction anyway, and they can detect rotten meat light-years away). Everybody, including the Veelar because they got a good meal, lived Happily Ever After.
A/N: Yeah. Not. I have plenty of evil in store! Just you wait... Just you wait! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ahem.
Anyhoo, don't forget to use that little blue review button, or Red will shoot YOU in the head with a plasma gun. Really. He will.
~Reenie