So I suppose we are all trying to figure out just what Chuck was thinking in the last episode. I surprisingly, am no longer angry at him. It makes for amazing tv. (Anyone notice that Chuck messes the relationship up in 1.13, 2.15, and 3.17 all the second half of the season and Blair messes up in 1.10, 2.07, and 3.06 all in the first half of the season). Anyways, so I couldn't concentrate without writing this and getting some of this angsty story out of my head. Might be a one shot, idk. Also I reference a preview for the next episode, but you'll be okay if you haven't seen it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.
Rated: T as per usual since I never know where I'm going with these things
Chuck swirled the caramel liquid in the glass that had seemingly been fixed to his left hand over the past three nights and once more he found the document Blair had drafted being lifted into his right. His fingers traced the words, almost not believing that they were true, not believing that he had caused this. Yet there it was a document stating that once Blair Waldorf had rendered her "services" to Jack Bass, Jack was to sell the hotel back to Chuck and leave town for good. If the black ink on the white paper wasn't proof enough, there were their signatures. The document had been signed by Blair and Jack.
Blair and Jack. Jack and Blair. They had slept together. His hands had been on her body, he had been inside of her, done God knows what else to her . . . Again. Blair had gone to him and like a high class whore; she had traded herself for his company. She had prostituted herself because she loved Chuck enough to give herself to the man she hated the most and he had manipulated her into doing it. Every word, every glance, every cry of frustration had been planned to ensure that she would do this for him because even so he wouldn't lose her she had promised she would stand by him through anything and so there was no choice to make there were only steps he needed to take to ensure that everything was right again.
I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
Chuck was the only one who knew the right buttons to push, the only one to know what Jack needed to say. And in the elevator, he had known to insist that he would never, could never, consider trading her to Jack. He had glanced out of the corner of his eye, to see the self-assured smile grace her lips, the pride and relief wash through her. This was a necessary step in the plan, spoken to ensure that Blair thought that she was the most important thing to him, only then would she be willing to do it.
The next step, to lose his cool because Chuck Bass did not lose control with Blair; did not yell at Blair. This to make her think that he was truly falling apart. And the words, the words he had yelled were important too. When are you going to get it? There is no way! What he had really meant was there is no other way, no other way than the path he had chosen, the steps he had to follow. He had seen the surprise in her eyes as she came to the conclusion that he was really and truly defeated and that she was the only one who could save him, just as she had saved him before.
The distance from A to where you'd B
It's only finger lengths that I see
As a last blow, probably unnecessary but he wanted to be sure, he uttered words only she would comprehend; words that would make her feel guilty if she did and guilty if she didn't. I am everything my father ever said I was. No one else could get it quite like Blair could get it. Sure others would say that his father was wrong about him, that he wasn't a disappointment but no one but Blair knew the whole truth. The truth that was uttered as they shared every insecurity, every piece of soul with one another. No one knew about the time at age twelve Chuck had claimed that he would be the most powerful man in New York City and his father had snorted. No one knew that at the age of fourteen his father had labeled him a waste of his time, dismissing him for good. No one knew that on the one year anniversary of his father's death, visions of his father had haunted him proclaiming that he was weak, that his feelings for Blair had made him weak. No one but Blair. He wouldn't have shared so much if he hadn't been sure that nothing would ever take her away from him; nothing because she had promised she would stand by him through anything.
I touch the place
Where I'd find your face
He had left her then, knowing what she would do. He had seen the decision in her eyes and he had been unable to be there a moment longer. There was fear in her eyes and she looked as though she was disgusted with herself; disgusted with what she was about to do to save him. Walk out of the room, hide away for the time it took for her to prepare herself for the sacrifice and walk the plank. Because he couldn't watch. The acid in his stomach had burned, bubbling up and he had felt like the scum of Manhattan. His words, his manipulations would send Blair to do things that she would rather die than do; but she would do them for him. But he couldn't watch or else he might not do this and he had to do this, he had to follow the steps. And so he repeated her word in his head. We're Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything. Those words were his solace as he promised himself he would spend the rest of his life making it all up to her.
He had used her love for him as a tool to win the game used it and he had made her feel guilty for it. He had made her feel as though this was something too terrible yet at the same time the only way. So she had gone and she had let Jack put his hands all over her to save him. She hadn't told him, she hadn't confessed to him what she was doing. He tried to let this anger him, that she had gone to his uncle behind his back again but it was little in the grand scheme of what he had done.
My fingers in creases
Of distant dark places
When Serena suggested that Blair was cheating at the game, Chuck's heart had given an unexpected lurch and he realized that some part of him had never believed that Blair would do it. Some part of him had thought that Blair wouldn't have been able to do it and that's what had been keeping him sane. As he spotted the box on the floor his heart had begun to pulsate; it wasn't until he opened the box and saw Jack's letter that his deepest darkest fear was confirmed. Blair had actually gone to Jack. Even though it had been what he had decided that he wanted, his heart had disagreed. On seeing the note he felt his heart break and the anger wash in to fill the cracks.
The anger was a surprising respite from the guilt and the grief. The anger was something he could cling to, something that would keep him from hating himself for what he had done. So he latched on to the anger and let it sustain him until she returned. He was waiting in the lobby just in case he couldn't face her but as he heard the click of her heels he had known that facing this head on was the best way to move past it. That's why he had started off accusatory. Perhaps if she was on the defensive she wouldn't think to go on the offensive.
I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
He hadn't expected her to know. It was stupid of him really not to consider the fact that Jack would tell her. But he hadn't let that throw him off for long, just like her tears and her pleas. He had to be strong and hold onto the anger he had left. He had repeated over and over in his head that she had slept with Jack; she had gone of her own accord regardless of what he knew or didn't know. That was what kept him going, it's what allowed him to continue because he didn't have an explanation for her for what he'd done, not one she would want to hear.
Yet as he continued on the offensive, she never rebuked him, nor did she become defensive. She was simply broken and for the first time Chuck had thought he might lose her. When she had said, even if it means losing me instead, his heart had given a very distinct clinch as though it had just been trapped in a vice grip. All I ever did was love you. That had sounded like past tense. How dare she, how dare she promise anything and not really be prepared for anything, he wouldn't have done this had he for a moment thought that it would cost him her. So he said the words that had provided him with his decision as well as solace from his guilt, only this time he had said them aloud. The worst thing I've ever done, the darkest thought I've ever head, you said you'd stand by me through anything. This Blair is anything.
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science
His heart seemed to shatter when she spoke again. I never thought the worst thing you'd ever do would be to me. He tried to piece it back together with false reassurances that this was as much her own fault as it was his. She had placed him on this pedestal, she should have known that he would never live up to the ideal image that she had in her head. Yes he had disillusioned her but it shouldn't have been necessary; she had known who he was from the beginning. And the truth was, manipulations or not, she had chosen this path for herself, she had decided that she was willing to do this for him. You went up there on your own.
The sting of her slap that had followed released him from any and all excuses that he had made. It had stung and had shocked him to his very core seeming to awaken him from his ridiculous notions of blaming Blair. This wasn't her fault it was his own. She had done what she had out of love; he had done what he had out of greed. He could pretend that a woman who loved him would never sleep with his uncle, but he could only pretend for so long. He was the one who had made her believe that not sleeping with his uncle would be a betrayal.
Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
That's why he had allowed Blair to walk away. Contrary to what she likely believed, the Empire was not the most important thing to him not even close. Just like Bass Industries had never been the most important. They were companies, buildings, nothing. The most important however was not something that was decisive. He had thought that it was Blair. He had been sure of it; yet his love for her had been in constant competition with his father's approval. His two biggest critics. The Empire was a symbol of both. It showed that Blair believed in him and it showed that his father had been wrong about him. Chuck had been certain that without the Empire he would lose both anyway and he hadn't wanted to be alone.
Now he had never felt more alone. It was strange, this loneliness. Always before when he had no one he could trust, no one that he felt true companionship with he had never been lonely. Not his dead mother, his absent father, his lack of siblings, the revolving door of one night stands, or the fact that as a best friend Nate had really sucked; had caused him a moment of loneliness. He had never needed people to feel validated before. But right now, after he had done everything he could think to keep from losing what he held the most dear he had lost it and he was lonely. It was a haunting feeling, a hallow one, as though something was missing that he couldn't be without.
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me
He missed her. There was an all consuming ache in his chest much like loving her had felt when he couldn't have her. When Blair had been with Nate early in their misguided love story sophomore year before they had ever slept together, he had first felt a craving for her, had first thought that something was missing. It had been a day just like any other. Nate had gone to handle some Serena meltdown after Blair had insinuated that she shouldn't sleep around so much and Chuck and Blair had been left alone to talk. She had asked him about a meeting he had had with his father. He had been surprised she had remembered but had recovered quickly this was Blair after all. For the next hour they had discussed their parents' failings, each completely lost in the conversation. When Nate had reappeared and kissed Blair as he sat down; he had felt a stab of jealousy, something completely unfamiliar to him. That was the start of the consumption.
Then they were having an affair and it was this burning fiery need to be with her at all cost. Then the jealousy that she had chosen Nate burned and consumed him until he had her back again but he had been scared and thrown her away; giving him a summer filled with a consuming guilt and regret. The he had convinced her then that their love was one that couldn't be denied or ignored and won her back only to insist that their love would yet again be too strong, too consuming. Only to rely on her in his darkest hour and allow their love to be the one thing that he relied. He had told her he loved her, bringing them to a point in which he believed that that was what was consuming him all along, love. It was cheesy and he knew it but being consumed by love was the best feeling he had ever felt. Yet now he was consumed by the loneliness of her absence.
And miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground and I
He needed her, couldn't survive without her and he was willing to do anything it took to get her back but he didn't think it was possible; not after how much he had hurt her. He had known that if there had been a limit this would be it but he had foolishly believed her when she had said "anything." Foolishly thought that their relationship would survive this, that she would see that it was the only way and would have forgiven him. What he had told Nate and Serena earlier had been true. It would take more than the gifting of Sak's to get her back. In all honesty he didn't think that there was anything he could do, anything at all.
It wasn't like he hadn't been trying. Earlier Nate had claimed that he hadn't left the Empire since the breakup; he hadn't corrected him; just like he hadn't corrected Serena about not calling Blair. He had gone to Blair's the very next day only to find that he wasn't allowed in the building. Blair had called down to the front desk and insured that Chuck literally couldn't see her. So he had returned home, his amass of presents hadn't been satisfactory anyway. Since then he had called every day to see if he was allowed upstairs. Then last night he had simply called Blair, it went straight to a voicemail that made Chuck's heart sink. "Hey everyone, I've changed my number for personal reasons. I'll be sure to get you my number if I want you to have it." And that was all. He couldn't see her, he couldn't talk to her. The Waldorf's didn't even have a house phone they just used the cell and the front desk wouldn't connect him to their apartment for the desk-to-penthouse phone. She was cutting off any communication and he couldn't bring himself to tell Nate or Serena.
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm heart
They had come so far, further than he had ever dreamed that he would with any girl. He loved her. He had told her he loved her, more than once. It wasn't just about sex with her. He had learned that sometimes it was necessary to put her happiness above his own. He had done that too. She had practically moved in with him, shared his bed. She was the first girl that he had broken a single rule for; the first he had bought a gift that cost more than $1000, the first he told he had feelings for, the first he gave up anything for, the first that he had shared a closet with, the first he had cooked for, the first he had taken home to his family, the first he had been willing to grant the term girlfriend, and had wanted her to be the last.
But apparently no matter how far he had come, how much he had changed out of love of Blair; it wasn't far enough. In one days time he had erased all progress. One simple miscalculation. How had he been so wrong, so far off base? How could he not have realized that even their love had limits? He had put all of his faith in Blair's words that their love could withstand anything but she had lied. This was anything yet she was gone from his life because he had thrown her away.
After I've traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
It wasn't just his soul aching for her; his body felt the loss too. Blair's body was a sacred for him. He was one of very few men to have the joy of appreciating it and he had most certainly been the first to claim her as his own. He remembered the first night in the limo as though it had just happened.
When she had kissed him, it felt like one thousand explosions occurred inside his body. She wrapped her arm around his neck and moved on top of him. Her other hand coming up towards his face. Chuck began to deepen their kiss, tasting her, remembering her, reaching up and grabbing her hand. Chuck ran his hands over her body as her hands ran through his hair. God she felt good he thought as he pulled her into him; pressing his body tightly against hers. He flipped her over as he continued exploring her mouth with his tongue and her body with his hands. He had wanted this for so long and he was going to make it incredible for her. He brought down the straps of her slip, further exposing her shoulders and neck, his weakness. Chuck was careful with her in a way he had never been careful before. Constantly checking to make sure that she was okay. He was attentive in the extreme and by the time they had finished they were both exhausted. As they finished Chuck did something he had never really done before and held her. He stroked her hair and kissed her temple as she fell asleep in his arms.
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted close our eyelids
There had been many more nights that followed in similar suit as Chuck had been the sole worshiper of her body. Even once she had been touched by others, making love to Blair was in a realm all its own. She had tainted him, forever spoiling every other girl with her charms and pleasures. There was a hungry passion that existed between them that was painful at its best. A simple touch was filled with heat, every look bursting with desire. They couldn't not touch one another, it was instinctive and animalistic. When he moved inside of her, their every emotion was connected as though there was an invisible wavelength that only featured the two of them. They were one person when they were together. He knew her body as though it was his own. He had kissed and sucked on every curve, leaving no portion untouched. He knew just what to do to bring her pleasure.
She was like no other girl and his body longed for hers, longed for the connection he felt there. There was no other who had brought him the same intense pleasure because no other woman compared. They fit perfectly with one another, every curve and every bend of their bodies in sync but he had lost that. Blair had been his mind, body, and soul; but now he had nothing left of her at all.
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
When he said nothing was left, he truly meant it. The penthouse at the top of the Empire held nothing of hers due to Jack's residence over the past few weeks. Jack had changed the decorations, removing the various additions that Blair had made; from artwork to room arrangement. Her clothes were gone from the closet, her toothbrush no longer in the bathroom as she had removed her things when Jack had taken possession of the Empire; though Jack had insinuated that she was more than welcome to leave her things behind and stay the night as often as she liked. Their photos were gone from the bedroom as was their answering machine message; Jack had deleted it. Not even Chuck's pillow still held her scent; instead it smelled of Jack, it smelled of the way in which Chuck had betrayed her. Why it didn't smell of her, he didn't know. She was the last woman to sleep here; unless of course they hadn't used the bed.
Yet as he continued to drown his sorrows he felt as though she was there. He remembered the day she had sat on the edge of the pool table, interrupting his and Nate's game, wearing lingerie so skimpy that he and Nate and each become hard instantly. He had become possessive immediately; kicking Nathaniel out of his apartment until further notice. It had been a boy's night but the hungry way Nate had looked at Blair coupled with Chuck's now intense erection had him reconsidering in an instant; as he was sure had been Blair's goal all along. As he traced his fingers along his silk sheets, he remembered the first time that she had seen the apartment when they had come to christen it; they made love in the bed for hours on end, only stopping when they were too tired to go on.
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in
Chuck shook his head, trying to knock the fevered images from his mind. They were haunting him; a constant reminder of all that he had lost and the role that he had played; not that he needed reminding. He was going to have to have the penthouse remodeled if he ever wanted to wipe out the memory of her. Chuck poured himself another glass of scotch as he paced the room. He couldn't get her out of his head, his body, or his heart. He was crazed by the thought of her, hard at the simple image his mind conjured, and destroyed by the fact that his heart recognized that she was gone. He felt broken past the point of repair, much as she claimed their relationship was. Without Blair, Chuck wasn't a real person, he wasn't human, he wasn't whole. Chuck needed Blair to be right.
Yet he didn't deserve her. He had told her so once before but now he truly knew that he didn't deserve her and on top of everything he was a hypocrite. Chuck had put her through the emotional wringer after she had tricked him into sharing a simple kiss with another man, claiming that it wasn't that he had done it but the fact that she had manipulated him into doing it that was screwed up. He would have done it for her but now he couldn't trust her not to play those games with him. Then he did the same thing to her only worse and afterwards accused her of cheating. She had never done that, she had never gotten mad at him for the situation last fall, only angry at herself. But somehow he managed to direct his anger at her, if only for a short time.
And miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground and I
He was surprised that she hadn't thrown that in his face the other night. He wished that she had. It would have proved that she wanted to fight and if Blair wanted to fight she thought that it was something worth fighting over. But Blair hadn't wanted to fight Chuck. He had tried to provoke her inner wildcat; tried to bring the bitch out from inside the perfect exterior but he had been unsuccessful. Blair had refused to fight him; she had refused to fight for them. All she had wanted was to state her piece and walk away for good. That frightened him more than anything because if Blair was anything at all, she was a fighter and that she did not find it in her to want to fight for their relationship, then she was done.
Blair had a limit and Chuck had found it and now he would do anything to go back and change it as fear began to seep in that she might never forgive him. He wasn't Chuck Bass without Blair Waldorf. He wasn't sure when it had happened but now he didn't know how to be himself without her by his side. She made him better in every way. He called his feelings for her a weakness but it was those feelings that allowed him to move past the death of his father. It was her belief in him that had given him the courage to purchase the Empire in the first place. Without her he wasn't the same person. Without her he wasn't Chuck Bass.
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
It didn't fucking matter that he had a hotel empire. He didn't have Blair and damn if she hadn't become his world. Now he would trade the Empire along with all of his billions to Jack if it would give him back Blair. None of it was worth it without her by his side. He shouldn't have even risked it. But he was wrong before. He hadn't put too much faith in their love; Blair still loved him, he knew it in his soul. And he hadn't put too much faith in Blair either. She had stood by him through it all up until this but this was too terrible to withstand. It was himself that he had put too much faith in. Somehow Chuck had convinced himself that he was invincible and someone who was invincible did not lose their girlfriend. He wasn't invincible though and he had lost Blair in every way.
He had sold her. How could he have ever deluded himself into believing that that wasn't precisely what he was doing by manipulating her into Jack's bed? How he could have convinced himself that this wouldn't destroy them was beyond his realm of comprehension. She would never be able to trust him again. On the surface it appeared as though he had chosen the hotel over her. It didn't matter that he thought that he was incapable of losing her, it only mattered that he had made this decision. Now he had to live with it. He had to sit and allow it to devour his entire being. He had to let the guilt and the loneliness and the self-loathing consume him because they were his only companions. If there was a way to get Blair back, he would do it. He would never stop waiting, never stop dreaming and praying that she would forgive him and allow him back into her arms and into her heart. Chuck was going to get her back or he was going to go the rest of his life with a hatred of himself that ran so deep that even the devil would blush. He downed his last glass of scotch allowing the blurred shapes to fade to black as he collapsed on his bed as there was nothing else he could do to hide from the inevitable consumption and ravishing of what was left of his soul.
A/N: So these were mostly nonsensical ramblings that needed to escape. The song is Set the Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol. Reviews would be amazing :)
xoxo
kate