A/U: Takes place a year after the season 7 finale. Unlike the original plot, the First was defeated without destroying Sunnydale and killing Spike and Anya.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and the writers; I claim only the creative reflections of this piece.
"I met you six years ago, and look at the difference six years makes. For so long I was untamed, causing destruction and running wild, and here I am now, a family man with you and Dawnie."
Buffy couldn't stop thinking about what Spike had said just hours earlier. His words were ricocheting through her mind, like a bullet bouncing off of metal walls. She couldn't shut her brain off, and the more she thought, the more anxious and irritated she became.
He had said those words with a chuckle, the sound softly reverberating through Buffy as she laid her head against his chest. He seemed at ease, reclined across the bed, stroking her hair and talking with her before it was time for her to go to sleep.
Hah. Sleep. She knew full well that she wouldn't be getting much sleep after that conversation. What had started out as sweet reminiscing unleashed a storm of anxious thoughts plagued her mind.
He'd said it without a trace of bitterness or sarcasm, as if he were talking about "the old Spike" like a friend he used to know from years past but had grown apart from. He kept on chatting easily, unaware that his words were raging inside her head. After another minute or two of listening to his outward musing, she feigned fatigue, saying that she'd had a long day and needed to get some sleep. He kissed her softly, telling her he loved her as he shrugged on his leather jacket and headed to work.
She inwardly scoffed at the thought of Spike, once high up in the vampire world, going to work like one of the humans he used to prey on. Sure, he said he enjoyed working at the Magic Box—that balancing ledgers and checking inventory gave him a purpose other than watching the clock tick by as Buffy and Dawn slept. But Buffy couldn't help but wonder how long he'd be happy spending his nights earning money for their little family instead of stalking, hunting, and killing like he was created to do.
She considered how Spike had transitioned from world-renowned vamp to Slayer-lover living a "normal" life with the same Scooby gang that once plotted against him. Whereas those thoughts once baffled and amazed her, they now worried her greatly. She'd thought about it before, but this was the first time that Spike had mentioned itso bluntly: wild and untamed to family man.
There was that word again: untamed. It caused her to scowl, repulsed her to even think about it. Untamed. Like a mustang, reckless and free. Until Buffy came along and housebroke him. She shuddered at the thought, wondering if Spike resented his choice to live a "human" life with her and Dawn. What if he misses his old lifestyle? Do Dawn and I smother who he really wants to be? Does he wish he was still wild? Untamed?
Buffy woke before sunrise after having tossed and turned throughout the night, only getting a few hours of sleep due to the heavy anxiety caused by her rampant thoughts. As soon as Spike walked through the door, he could tell something wasn't right. Buffy was never up this early, much less cleaning—that woman loved her sleep and hated chores. He shut the door more loudly than he usually would in an attempt to not startle her. She had the music cranked up, and he knew he'd risk being throttled by a punch if he came up behind her with no warning.
She jumped a little bit at the sound of the door and quickly turned the stereo off when she saw that Spike was home.
"Well this is an unusual sight. Who are you and what have you done with my Buffy? She'd never be up before dawn cleaning the kitchen," Spike said with a grin.
"I couldn't sleep, so I decided I should be productive instead of lying in bed."
"I can think of other ways to be productive in bed," he smiled suggestively, putting his hands on her hips. "We've got the house to ourselves since Dawn spent the night with Willow and Tara after their math study party…"
"Can I take a rain check? I barely slept a wink last night, and I've got to save up my energy to deal with angsty Sunnydale High students all day," she said, giving him a short peck on the lips and turning back around to the pile of dishes in the sink.
"Okay, love. I'll brew up some coffee for you, then. Put some pep in your step for work today." Spike swallowed his disappointment not just at the fact that they didn't take advantage of an empty house but first and foremost because he could tell Buffy was upset. He had noticed how she made eye contact only briefly and tensed up when he touched her, so he knew something else was wrong other than her being tired. While he was the type to address problems as soon as they cropped up, he decided to wait since Buffy had to start getting ready for work soon.
Buffy went through the work day on autopilot, her thoughts constantly on the implications of the previous night's conversation. She was sure she'd been no help to the students who came to her for advice. Some guidance counselor I am, she thought. I can't deal with my own problems, much less help my students with theirs.
After she got off work, the last thing she wanted to do was go home because she knew Spike would be waking up in a couple of hours, and she wasn't ready to see him yet. She ran some errands and then went to the Magic Box to see if Giles had any demon updates that she should be aware of for her patrol that night. After she got dinner with Willow and Tara and made sure Dawn was settled in at Xander and Anya's house, she went straight to the cemetery for patrol.
She limped back home, having gone overboard with the slaying. She had been less concerned about quick, efficient kills and more focused on beating the vampires to a pulp before killing them. She knew that wasn't a wise decision since fighting vamps was a life-and-death situation, not a sparring match against a punching bag in the gym, but she couldn't resist taking her frustration out during patrol.
When she opened the front door, she was surprised to see Spike waiting for her. "Hey, what are you doing home? I thought you were working tonight."
"I was supposed to go in, but I wanted to make sure you were alright, which you obviously aren't," he said, gesturing to her limp and various visible wounds. "You seemed upset this morning, and I see you must have found a vamp or two that were on the receiving end of your aggravation."
Buffy sighed. There was no use trying to hide anything from Spike. He always read her so well, and this time was no exception.
"Did I do something wrong? You've barely made eye contact with me whenever I've tried to talk to you today."
Buffy took a deep breath and placed her head in her hands. She hadn't thought about how she was going to talk to Spike about how she was feeling, and her thoughts were a jumbled mess. She wasn't sure if she could even articulate what she'd been thinking about.
"I'm afraid you're going to regret your choice to be with me, that Dawn and I are preventing you from being who you really want to be," she said, looking up at him guardedly.
A look of pure shock crossed his face, and he couldn't decide whether to be sad or angry at her revelation. "Where in the world is this coming from? Why would you think that? I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life!" he exclaimed, voice raising with emotion.
"When we were talking last night, you said you used to be wild and untamed, causing destruction wherever you went, and now you're a family man. And I started thinking about how insane that is—that you went from a vampire who was known around the world for killing not one but two Slayers to living a 'human life' with me and Dawn and the Scoobies. This is the complete opposite of who you're meant to be."
Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Buffy, after all I've done to prove to you that this is who I want to be—I got my soul back for goodness sake—and you're still questioning me?! What more do I have to do?!"
Buffy started to get angry. "It's not always about you, Spike! It's about me not wanting to hold you back! I don't want you to wake up one day and regret your decision!"
"Now who's making this about themselves? You don't get to make that choice for me! I have chosen this life time and time again; for years I've fought evil beside you and the rest of the gang, and for the past year I've been living here with you and Dawn because I love you two!"
"I know that, and I'm grateful for it, but I'm afraid that it won't last because it goes against everything you are supposed to be!"
Spike looked at Buffy incredulously. "Oh, that's bloody rich! You're one to talk—the Slayer who's loved two vampires and who fights evil with her friends, unlike every other Slayer before her who was a lone wolf. You're the walking epitome of what it means to be opposite of who you should be!"
Those words felt like a blow to Buffy's gut. He was right, and she couldn't deny it. "But don't you see how crazy that is? We're both going against the hand that fate dealt us, and that can only last but for so long!"
Spike could hear the fear and desperation in her voice. He knew that yelling wasn't going to resolve anything, so he took her hand and sat down on the couch with her. He nudged her chin up so that she was looking directly at him.
"Love, I know that in your world things have to be black or white, good or evil, right or wrong. It's how you do your job as the Slayer, and it's how you stay alive. But you've seen many times that things don't always fit into those boxes. Think about how often we've all had to operate in the gray area when things weren't so clear cut—Giles ditching the Watchers' Council when they were getting in the way of the mission, Willow using some serious magic to defy the laws of nature and bring you back from the grave, the list goes on. Why is this any different?"
Buffy pondered silently for a moment. Spike had made a good point—they'd all flown in the face of the rule book too many times to count in order to get things done. But something about this—their relationship—felt different.
"I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I guess it's because it doesn't have to do with what's necessary for the greater good."
Spike smiled to himself. She thinks so much about fighting the good fight that she sometimes can't see what is right in front of her. "Love, it's not always about slaying. You are more than your job description. You deserve to be a happy person, not just an effective Slayer; you can be both. If this relationship makes you happy, then it doesn't matter if it doesn't fit the mold of the 'Slayer handbook."
Buffy looked at him with a small smile. "Of course being with you makes me happy." She stared off into the distance quietly for a second, and her smile faded. "But I'm scared. I worry that something will go wrong and it will all come crashing down around us. I don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to men. And I don't want you to wake up one day and realize you want your old life back."
Spike paused and looked her directly in the eye. "The old Spike wasn't truly happy. Love has always been important to me, and I went so long without real love. Until I found you, that is. I wouldn't trade my old life for what I have now—a woman who I'm completely head-over-heels in love with, Lil' Bit to look out for, and even the Scoobies. I have people in my life who I care about and who care about me. That's worth more than a century of being 'untamed,' as I recall saying I was."
Buffy smiled and kissed him. "You have a way of making a woman feel special, you know that? I love you, Spike."
"I love you too, darling."
"Now can I cash in that rain check from this morning?"
I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to read it. This is my first fic—reviews and constructive criticism are welcome. Please leave a review!