Shortly after the death of Berlin, Lizzie and Red's relationship becomes nothing short of complicated. Fighting the push and pull of their connection, Lizzie makes a life-altering decision that could very well change the course of their partnership and their relationship forever. AU/Eventual Lizzington.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Blacklist and am not affiliated with them in any way. However, if Spader's ass was offered to me illegally or otherwise, I could not make any promises! XD
Song lyrics courtesy of Live-Lightning Crashes
Title of Chapter 1 provided by the song Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie
A/N : So, you guys this is my VERY FIRST Blacklist fanfic, and very first fanfic EVER that I have had any inspiration to keep working on in order to post. Please leave me a review! I am open to suggestions and/or criticisms (it has been a very long while since I have written anything other than college papers, and that was over a year ago)! Let me know how it's going! I am a great lover of music, so needless to say, song lyrics have helped bring out the better part of my writing. I have a VERY good idea as to where this fic is going, but please don't be thwarted by the end of this chapter because, I assure you, it gets better I will try to update at least by the end of next week or possibly sooner!
RATED T, Although later chapters could possibly change to M.
This story is dedicated to FrostyFingers! Thanks for the kind words of encouragement sweety! :)
Chapter 1
Pushing Down on Me, Pushing Down on You
FLASHFORWARD
Baltimore, MD
December, 2015
Oh I feel it, coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin' from the center of the Earth again
I can feel it
Elizabeth Keen stood stoic and nearly catatonic in the expanse of a cavernous home just on the outskirts of Baltimore. The throbbing in her head felt like a church bell being rung endless times in its steeple, her pulse electrically surging throughout her quaking limbs and torso. Her heartbeat was thrumming so fast that she kept thinking she could very well have a damn heart attack right here and now. Her veins were visibly protruding from her clammy skin, breathing so erratically that she felt like she needed to be on a ventilator to keep her lungs from collapsing. Her entire body was betraying her. She began to see little shiny particles skidding about her peripheral vision due to the white-hot rage swelling inside of her chest. She sought to steady her government-issued nine millimeter as sweat drizzled down from her brow and stinging her eyes, but to no avail.
Lizzie had confronted him yet again at one of his many safe houses within the area, but this time, both were anticipating a very contrasting outcome. She had not reacted with such rash emotion like this since Berlin had reared his head and she had shot her façade of a husband.
Standing abruptly from his tall-backed armchair as she burst into the room, he positions himself in front of her, attempting to read her expressionless eyes as she pointed the gun directly at him. The barrel mere inches from his anxiety-addled face. That is when he knew; he knew she had found out the truth, and she was here to put an end to his miserable life. It was not imperative to him how she came about this knowledge; all that mattered was that his time as an FBI informant and their partnership had run out. With his skill set and military background, he could have taken the firearm from her effortlessly as soon as she had pulled it from its holster. He did no such thing, because he knew in his heart that this had been the type of demise he had earned. He was not scared at the idea of death. No. Raymond Reddington accepted long ago that he would perhaps die at the hands of someone whom he had crossed in the criminal world, or someone associated with any number of government agencies around the globe. He was terrified at the thought that his Lizzie could be the one to pull the trigger in the end. He realized that being gunned down by the person he loved most in this world had been his destiny all along. Lady luck and karma truly did adore him.
It was too much. Lizzie's cup was running over. When she had found out the blanketed truth of her past earlier that day, she feared he truly was the monster she had so desperately hoped did not exist. All she knew was Red was involved, along with several others who remained unbeknownst to her. She knew not the events that took place, nor the cause of what occurred that fateful night so long ago.
She was, after all, the most unpredictable and volatile woman he had ever encountered in his colorful misadventures. He understood her decision, respected it even, if she chose to put an end to his life. For what seemed like an eternal passage of time, Lizzie teases the trigger with her right index finger without putting considerable pressure on it. Red holds his hands out toward her, palms up, in an effort to show he was not about to dissuade her from doing what she came here to do. The circumstances were far from negotiable in his eyes. He made no effort to talk her down, which only added to Lizzie's rage. Red was not surprised at how quickly their relationship had taken a drastic and unmistakable deadly turn far off into the wide yonder, and wondered if there was a way to course-correct. However, that did not stop the heartbreak from manifesting itself in his troubled eyes. His brain never switched off, always thinking, calculating, evaluating a situation and the best course of action to take to make it out alive. It was something that came involuntarily, something that was completely natural and could not be prevented.
The guilt he has carried with him all these years had twisted him up inside, belying all of the idealistic and intimidating views his business associates and cohorts have of him. No one, except for Sam Milhoan, has ever caught a glimpse of that shame he so longed to make right. Red has forever been a man of self-control and discipline, earning him a tremendous reputation purveying that image, as well as striking fear into the hearts of his enemies with a single glance. But, at this very moment, Raymond Reddington believes he is going to meet his comeuppance by a woman who may very well be considered his Alpha and Omega following the events of tonight.
Red takes a ragged breath as his eyes slide shut and lowers his head to the barrel of the gun, and a single tear drizzles down his face at the thought of the damage he has wrought on Lizzie's heart since the commencement of becoming The Concierge of Crime. He has always looked upon her with such love and adoration. He could love her with the wild abandon of two newly established lovers in the throes of an affair, if she ever allowed him such an honor. But, it would contrast to that of a menial affair. He would be her king and she, his queen, and he would treat her as if she hung the moon and stars, doing all but groveling at her feet. He yearned to pull her into his embrace and comfort her. Desiring so much to rub and kiss the pain away with every stroke of his hand and every kiss he could place on her cheeks and head. She was past the point of wanting comfort. Now, all Elizabeth Keen wanted was answers.
Lizzie's hands began to tremble at the very idea of putting a bullet in his head. The air wafting around them crackled with tension, bursting with a silence that was deafening. She had grown to love the man whom she was confronting with murder. Red had been her cornerstone, her confidant, her friend, and the only person she had ever actually trusted with her life since this journey had begun two years ago. She had been in denial for so long that she was actually in love with the man whom was number four on the FBI's Most Wanted List. Suppressing that love had done nothing but cause her more pain. She knew that she should not feel such things for him, but she did. Her moral compass was already faltering, so what the hell, why not? She wanted his undivided attention this time, and by God, she had it.
Her throat was abnormally dry as she began to speak, "Why Red, why? Convince me! Tell me something, anything, that is not complete bullshit!" The longer she spoke, the more her voice became strained and inaudible, evidence of the heartache welling up inside of her- making its way from the pit of her gut to the bottom of her sandpaper throat. "Change my mind. Tell me!" Her voice breaking near the end as she pleaded with him.
While her voice grew louder and echoed throughout the high cathedral ceilings, Dembe rushed into the room with vigor, realizing the confrontation between his employer and Agent Keen was turning from bad to worse. Red peered behind Lizzie to look at the Sudanese man, jutting out his firm jaw and shaking his head side to side adamantly, discouraging Dembe from getting involved in their dispute. Knowing Red could handle himself regardless of the escalating state of affairs, Dembe simply nods, craning his head around to glance at Lizzie once last time before exiting the spacious sitting area.
Lizzie wanted a reason to release the bullet from its chamber and find its intended target so she could put all of this behind her once and for all. Instinctually she knew deep down at the core of her being that she could never kill this man. However, Red was convinced she was going to follow through with it. After all, look at all the hell she herself had wrought over the past year, evidence coinciding with a woman scorned past the point of no return. She had held Tom prisoner for months to extract information on Berlin. Then, to Red's surprise, Lizzie wound up shooting Berlin in cold blood in an abandoned church just outside of Alexandria before Red could finish the job. It was important to Lizzie, that the man responsible for inserting Tom into her life was punished to the fullest extent of whatever twisted dissolute values she now held. What she had not known at the time, was that this web of conspiracy extended so far and wide, that it went above and beyond Alan Fitch's involvement. This was some scheming shit that stretched as high up as the Pentagon, the White House, and the United Nations, involving some of the most prominent and powerful political figures to ever exist.
Red had never seen so much malice and heartbreak in her eyes. He had witnessed her nearly spiraling emotionally out of control once she confronted him about Sam's death, but this was light-years away from what he had observed back then. He knew he should not have let himself fall in love with her, but there it was. Red had vowed to Sam that he would protect Lizzie by any means necessary, which also meant shielding her from his own self most of all. He felt like he had broken said vow after his feelings turned undeniably romantic for her after the death of Berlin nearly eight months ago.
Instead of backing away from her, Red moved toward her with his hands still raised, closing the distance between them. Invading her personal space had been a habit of his for quite some time, but in this moment, it is meant to instill comfort. "I understand, Lizzie." He opened his eyes to see her baby blue orbs piercing into his, and saw a wave of bewilderment immediately wash over her face. Lizzie clinched her teeth together in a display of frustration and hurt, gripping the gun so tightly she could not feel her knuckles. As Lizzie tilted her head from side to side, Red could see that his words had fallen on deaf ears. She was fighting back the urge to scream at this point by chewing on the inside of her lip. All she could taste was the metallic tinge of blood flooding throughout her mouth.
"But, I want you to know something before you do this. " His tongue snaked out to wet his lips in an attempt to make what was to follow more comprehensible. "I have been wandering around for over the past two decades, praying that I would feel a modicum of relief from the guilt I carry because of what happened that night. And do you know what? The instant you walked down those steps in the Post Office, meeting me for the first time, all I could think of was how vindictive of a man I truly was Lizzie. I have attempted to right my wrongs, especially with you, but I cannot go back and change what happened that night. One thing I do know is this: you have every right to pull that trigger. I don't expect any less from you."
She stays silent as her gaze never falters from his, and tears begin to well underneath her disdain. Lizzie's gun stays trained on him, as if she were expecting him to flee. She breathes out heavily, and in fits and starts, she finally speaks, "She was only two years old! Two, you bastard! She died that night because of you!" She says as she shakes the gun in his direction, as if to emphasize the magnitude of her words.
"Lizzie, I understand your need for justice, in any form of the word. I wish I could have done more, should have done more but-the place was beginning to cave and-"
Choking back sob after sob hearing his words, her lips turned up into a crinkled frown. She closes her eyes so tightly that after she reopens them, she sees bright white floaters that sputter here and there, briefly interfering with her vision. Lizzie interrupts, "And please tell me, who all was involved, hmm? I want the names of those responsible! Whose fucking fault was it the house was coming down in the first place?"
"Mine."
He says it with such finality, like the closing of a book. They exchange glances, Liz being hesitant and careful as to what to say next, willfully thinking about the fraught action she was taking to get answers out of Red. Lizzie was aware that more than one party was responsible, according to the intel she had received from Tom, following her nearly beating him to death with a lead pipe. After she had finally caved and confessed to Red about holding Tom captive, Red took him to an undisclosed location and put him out of his misery. Lizzie never questioned what Red did with him. Truth be told, she did not want to know. She was better off leaving that part of her life void of answers that could hinder her already sleepless nights. Red cocks his head sideways. "And it wasn't a house", he says as he looks down at his custom auburn leather dress shoes, attempting to settle the tidal wave that has stirred his trepidations.
She furrows her eyebrows in confusion. She could not believe he would take sole responsibility for this horrid act. That is how deep his love for her ran. He would die a million times over for her, in the most heinous of ways if it meant bringing her any sort of solace. What is more, is the fact he tells her it was not a 'house' that burned to the ground. Lizzie grows impatient, shifting her weight from her right foot to her left. Suddenly aware of the shuffling sound her black slacks are making during her movements.
He looks at her with tear-filled eyes, and they plead with her to comprehend how much he cares for her. His next words come out very gently, almost cathartically. "If you could only fathom how much I love you, Lizzie. And how much I have hoped for you to have a normal life. I knew it would never be with me, but what I have sought after has never been relevant. What matters is you being able to persevere, and finally live your life happily, without death and destruction being at the forefront, and be with a man who is worthy of you. So, if you are going to be the one who does me in, then so be it, because I know it is what is just and right. And if it will bring you closure, then I want more than anything for you to pull that trigger." She glares at him, hands still quivering, and rivulets of tears persistently streaming down her flushed cheeks. "Tell me what happened that night, Red. I need to kn—I HAVE to know. No more games. No more half-truths and deflecting my questions."
Red sighs with frustration, turning up his eyebrows and smirking, knowing Lizzie will never give up the fight to hear the truth. Relentless and fierce, he thinks. He expects nothing less from his Lizzie. He peers out of the small circular window resembling a porthole situated just to the right of his head, and turns back to give Lizzie a slight nod. Lowering his hands that were situated in front of her face in surrender, the skin under his left eye twitches just a bit. His body showing little telltale signs of a weakness he is not even consciously aware of - preparing itself for what is to come.
A/N: So what do you guys think? I was going for so many things in this chapter, and tweaked it to death over the course of a month but I decided to give my 4th draft a shot. I know it probably isn't as exciting to read as it was in my head but I really am hopeful about the future chapters to come! This will be a mult-chapter fic, and there will definitely be more to come, so thanks for tuning in and drop me a review if you have time!