I'm sitting in a quiet, quaint coffee shop. Papers are strewn all over the large table that certainly should be for a group of five and not solely my tiny self. The dirty looks that I've received from numerous people shows that they agree with me. But I continue to selfishly use the extensive table and lounge out on the booth that stretches around the corner. I'm a lazy worker, taking my time to ingest all of the words of the poems and soaking in the feelings that the writer bestows upon you. I want to live and breathe every phrase that they thrust into you.
The writer is describing lost love and a certain kind that could never be rekindled because of outside forces. It enforces a pull onto my own heart and reminds me of you. We haven't spoken for at least a year and I can go long periods of time without you crossing my mind so I am actually happy. Occasionally, a specific type of movie, product, animal, or work of art reminds me of you and I'm no longer drowning in that familiar heartache but finally swimming against the current towards some far off place of safety away from it all. I like to fool myself into thinking that I have reached a point where I feel nothing for you and if a mutual friend says your name, it has no effect on me. But it does. It always will. Once I reach the acknowledgement that it always will because you were my first love, I will own a certain kind of peace within myself.
Because you are on my mind and today is a lovely day with no stress or problems, I decide to relish in the feeling instead of shoving it into the door in my heart that has developed a shrieking, deafening creak due to being slammed shut so often. It opens slowly, as if asking if I am sure and the memories spill out onto the floor, tumbling over one another into a sea of hurt.
I remember hearing you say, "Hey sexy" in a playful tone as you swept around the restaurant with your uniform on, accompanied with a teasing grin and enticing eyes dancing in mirth. I remember you demanding a hug whenever I left for the day, even if there was a customer standing and waiting because you just had to have my attention. I remember lying in your bed, talking about your parents until the early morning and how the crushing weight of their expectations nearly made you collapse. The memory of you sliding your arm across my stomach for the first time on your birthday as your body glued to my side pounds into my heart and I feel the loss of breath just as I did so long ago from your electrifying touch. The feeling of your teeth digging into my neck and subsequently, your lips curving into a grin against my skin feel like the echo of a ghost as I lay there. My heart pounds in anticipation and anxiety, riddled in fear as if we are back in my bed, our skin strewn with bruising hickeys and our faces a mere inch apart; daring to take that petrifying leap into a kiss that we could never take back. I remember you striding through the door as if it was your home as well and leaping onto the couch, into my arms, peppering my face with kisses as you remarked how much you had missed me even though we saw each other just the day before. The apprehension of showing my body for the first time to someone that I deeply cared for showers me and your small intake of breath, escorted by the glaze of want that darkened your gaze is painted into my thoughts. My cheeks prick in reminiscence of the tears on the nights we stayed up, caressing each other absentmindedly as we spoke of our fears, our concerns for our futures and our inner struggles that all eventually led to our broken sobs and the tight embrace of one another. Your fingers intertwined with mine for that brief second at Barnes and Noble as the woman led us to a section we had missed because we were too busy flirting and walked right past it. I remember marveling at the soft feel of your skin while my fingertips stroked the small of your back and your heavy sighs toppled onto my chest as you slept peacefully in my arms. Grasping your shaky hand beneath the blanket while your homophobic parents sat blissfully ignorant on the other side of the living room. Your happy tears are a sight that will always be engraved into my brain after the video I made for you stopped playing. My thighs tighten for a moment in the middle of this small coffee shop at the memory of your tender, loving touch; your whispered words of reassurance to relax, brushing against my ear and the plunge into the most vulnerable moments of complete abandonment to you. You had breathed into my skin that you loved me as you filled me and in my shattered gasp, I wordlessly exchanged how much I needed and loved you as well.
I sit up and let out a heavy breath, staring at the blurred words on the table. My body is humming with activity as though it is a movie screen playing the recollection of our love and I'm simultaneously experiencing all of it at once.
Will it ever just be a movie that I've set aside, collecting dust throughout the years that I can distractedly watch or shall it always be a memory that awakens my senses to a suffocating point?
The coffee that I ordered is now cold and it slides uncomfortably down my throat. I can't fathom what it is about you or our relationship that resulted in such a strong grasp. The moment we became friends, I had already fallen into your possession and you shall perpetually own a part of me.
With a click of my pen on the table and a glance around the establishment, I emphasize the logic that we were not always happy together. In fact, we were quite miserable, trucking through the sludge of misery that consistently pulled us down further and further. Your self-hatred was festering inside of you to the point that you could no longer look at yourself without feeling disgusted. My jealousy and distrust fatally poisoned every word of reassurance. The recollections of us with hardened jaws, darting eyes and a vibration of irritation coming off of our skin like waves are not hard to find within my sea of memories. Clipped, angry words sat abundantly waiting next to our assortment of apologies.
I've calmed down by this point. Some time has passed and the sun is setting to bring in a pleasant, soft glow through the windows. Just as I move my papers around and get situated once again, the door opens and it's almost as if I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand in the same recognizable electricity that once was a regular visitor. My hazel eyes peek upward over the filthy screen of my laptop to find you standing in the entrance.
Your hair is still long and just as beautiful and radiant as before with loose, seductive curls that end at the curve of your waist. Freckles adorn your pale cheeks that are now scrunched up in an inquisitive expression. You're still charmingly slim with a long sweater, which accentuates your figure. The eyes that mesmerized me endlessly are now shining brighter than ever and reading the menu on the wall as you walk closer to the register. Your boots are clicking with a sense of confidence that you never owned while we were together despite my many efforts.
You are the definition of beauty and I feel myself slink into the booth that I call mine in this dingy coffee shop. My stomach is on the floor, spilled out among my brand new heels that I've worn frequently since purchase. I can't speak to you. The ability to even form words right now would be a great triumphant.
Just as you finish ordering and turn on your heel, you glance up and our gazes lock. The small wisp of a smile that sat on your mouth moments ago has now fallen off at the sight of me. Your eyes widen and I see the same feeling of dread wash over you that transfixed me as well. We've transformed into the same pair of scared young adults, shaking in my bed at the sight of darkened skin peppering our necks. This minute of gazing into each other's eyes is boundless and it reminds me of the days we used to lay, caressing a neck or stroking a cheek and just silently staring into the other's eyes. In those moments, I was soaking in my love for you in the paralyzing canvas staring back at me. You had strokes of pain splashed haphazardly beside your pupil, a dash of nostalgic love in the corner, a sprinkle of exceptional happiness around the edges, and a simple yearning for acceptance grazing the entirety.
Your mouth opens and closes so I see the struggle to speak is lost on you as well. You glance at the door, lower your head in defeat and step back to the register just as the door opens again.
"Hey baby," I hear in a voice that I've known so well because it was a tick in my ear during our classes together so long ago and it had haunted my dreams for many nights upon arrival at college. I am not surprised you two are still together but the dread washes over me as if it were a cold shower and chills me to my bones; making my insides quiver. His unruly curly hair is still a sight. His trick of a smile is mesmerizing. We are identical in our care and adoration for you but since he is a man, it is allowed. He got the girl.
My girl.
Watching you two embrace and share a smile, I'm reminded that despite our best efforts, we never could have been together for as long as we both wanted. It was a race that we could never finish and would eventually have fallen from exhaustion. It was a painting we would never complete because our brushes kept breaking and the colors continued to mix into an unsightly mud.
The crinkles on your face tighten into familiar lines that look as though they smile everyday as you stare up at him. You're looking at him with the same adoration that was reserved for me. He has now taken my spot in this play and another will not recite these same lines for he has cemented his position.
You are in love.
I hunch over my laptop because I don't want to see anymore. I fumble with the fallen memories and hurriedly shove them all inside their home behind the door, then slam it shut so hard that it shakes the corners of my mind. They can breath again soon but I need them back in their home for right now.
You're glancing up at me while he orders his coffee and look apologetic. No amount of heartfelt apologies can heal the scar that forever adorns my heart. You've become seared onto my soul.
I will never have you again. You are his and always will be.
Really personal thing I wanted to write and just get out. I wanted to share it with my readers since you all feel like family to me. I know you are patiently waiting for ADMIL. In the meantime, if you wanna catch up with me on a personal level, my Instagram is kelleyh66. My Tumblr blog where I post pictures of my girlfriend and I together is love-in-a-broken-frame.