Rogue walked out. "Hello all you readers out there. Well once again Red Witch has gone nuts and decided to do a movie parody. Apparently she hasn't learned her lesson from the last time she's done this. This time it's another one of her favorite films which had an all female cast. A black and white film from the forties about catty rich women, gossip, broken marriages and catfights. Gee I wonder why she would like this?"
Just get on with the disclaimer!
"All right Red, keep your bra on," Rogue snorted. "Obviously not only does Red Witch not own any X-Men Evolution characters but also the movie called 'The Women'. Orignially The Women was a stage play and then it was adapted to the big screen. In other words, Hollywood was just as unoriginal then as it is now."
Again keep your comments to yourself and get on with it!
Rogue rolled her eyes, "I'm also warning you that there will be topics of adultery, drinking, gossip, shooting rocket launchers and other stuff that kids should not do. Any one who has a problem with it must remember that this is only a parody after all and should seriously get a life. Red Witch has updated this story a little so not only are a few modern conveniences thrown in, it's not as sexist and stereotypical as the original. This is her imagining from her deranged mind! So here it is folks, some insane little drek we call…"
The Mostly Mutant Women
Chapter One: Meet the Ladies.
Welcome to the Sociere Rouge Beauty Salon and Spa on Park Avenue. Where the rich mutant women meet and greet to gossip, get their hair done and relax.
"GET THAT MANGY LIZARD AWAY FROM MY BABY YOU COW!" Ilyana Rasputin screamed as she desperately tried to hold onto the leash of a red demon like creature named Princess Fluffietta Tinkerbell.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COW, HEIFER HIPS?" Kitty Pryde yelled as she tried to control her dragon, Lockheed.
Both animals were yapping furiously trying to fight each other. And their owners weren't doing a very good job of controlling them. Actually, they were kind of adding to the fight.
"YOU ARE SO GONNA GET YOUR BUTT KICKED!" Kitty shouted as she whipped out a gun and started shooting. Lockheed shot out a blast of fire that blew apart a nearby shrub.
"BRING IT ON!" Ilyana whipped out her sword and deflected a few blasts, also destroying some shrubs.
"Uh, I take it Red's also gonna take a few liberties with what happens in the movie?" Ororo, one of Park Avenue's wealthy women stared out the window at the carnage on the screen.
BOOM!
"You gotta admit, it's a lot more interesting than two old ladies and their dogs fighting," Cover Girl, one of the spa attendants blinked. "Wow, look at the flames on that tree. Pyro would be impressed."
Anyway…The Sociere Rouge Beauty Salon and Spa is the place for the wealthiest mutant women to meet and greet.
"YOU BACKSTABBING WHORE!" Amara screamed as she chased after Starla, throwing fireballs all the way. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Not to mention get all the daily gossip. But there is one Park Avenue woman who not only thrived on gossip, she used it as a weapon. And knew exactly where to get it.
"You'll love this new color," Tabitha the manicurist went at it. "It's called Jungle Red and it really goes with your…Outfit?"
"Thank you darling," Pietro Maximoff in a stunning blue dress and white wig twittered. "What?"
"What are you doing here? This is supposed to be an all female movie, you lamebrain!" Tabitha the manicurist snapped.
"What?" Pietro put his hands on his hips. "John Travolta can play a woman and I can't?"
"Fill in your own jokes folks," Tabitha said. "This one is way too easy for me!"
"Just call me Pietra," He…uh She snorted. "I am Pietra LeBeau, wealthy society woman and married to the wealthy contractor Remy LeBeau.
"OH GOD NO!" Remy was heard off screen. "SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL GAMBIT HE DIES IN THIS!"
"SHUT UP YOU SCENE WHORE!" Pietro…Uh Pietra snapped.
"Red why did you put Pietro in a dress for this?" Tabitha asked. Then she looked 'Pietra' over. "Other than the obvious reasons?"
Look if you've seen Rosalind Russell, the woman who originally played this part you would swear she was Pietro Maximoff's twin! Now get on with it!
"Okay…" Tabitha took a deep breath. "Anyway this is the same color my room mate's best friend wears. She's the one who's friends with the woman who's stepping out with Scott Summers. Well anyway…"
"Wait, wait, wait…" Pietra did a double take. "Say that again!"
"This is Jungle Red and…" Tabitha began.
"I don't want to hear the commercial!" Pietra shouted. "Skip to the part about Scott Summers!"
Twenty minutes later Pietra was on his cell phone! "Monet! Monet! Pick up the phone! I just got some delicious dirt on Jean Summers and you are going to die!"
"I am on the phone!" Monet said as she tried to wrangle Trinity in a fancy apartment. "Girls! Girls no! No experiments on the cat! Daria put down that cattle prod!"
"All abroad the Mutant Express!" Claudette squealed excitedly. Torpid, Penny, and Nichole whizzed by on a shopping cart.
"Oh for crying out loud! Girls! MOMMY'S ON THE PHONE HERE!" Monet shouted. She turned her attention back to the phone. "What were you saying Pietra?"
"Scott Summers is stepping out on Jean Grey," Pietra grinned. "With a shop girl of all things!"
"NO!" Monet gasped. "How delicious!"
"Mommy," Quinn said sweetly. "The twins set the swimming pool on fire again!"
"WHO CARES? GO ROAST SOME MARSHMALLOWS OR SOMETHING!" Monet snapped. "Mommy's listening to some dirt! Go ahead Pietra! Tell me the whole thing!"
"Well I went to my manicurist Tabitha," Pietra admired her fingernails. "She's awfully divine. You really should go to her. I just got the new color, Jungle Red. And as we're talking she blabs out the whole story."
"Ooohhhh!" Monet grinned a wicked grin. "You've got to tell me all about it!"
BOOM!
"When I get a moment of peace that is!" Monet groaned. "Hold on Pietra. GIRLS HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO PLAY WITH THE MISSLE LAUNCHER?"
"Trouble in paradise dear?" Pietra grinned.
"Why did I have to have so many girls?" Monet groaned.
"Because it's in the script," Pietra told her. "So you will be at the luncheon this afternoon right?"
"The same luncheon Jean's putting on?" Monet asked. "Yes but I have a doctor's appointment so I'll be a little late."
BOOM!
"Not to mention I might have to do some cleaning up around here," Monet groaned. "But Pietra! How horrible! Eating her food and knowing what we know about her husband! It's terrible!"
"Isn't it ghastly?" Pietra grinned a wicked grin. "Oh I'll talk to you later darling! See you at the luncheon!"
"See you!" Monet hung up the phone. Then she dialed again.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"WILL YOU RUGRATS KNOCK IT OFF? MOMMY HAS SOME IMPORTANT GOSSIP TO DISH OUT AND SHE CAN'T DO IT WITH YOU MANIACS MAKING SUCH A RACKET!" Monet shouted. "Honestly I had to get the one character Red really hates in this movie!"
"That and the character is supposed to be a little fat," Daria poked her head out. "Which come to think of it you are the only one who fits the bill."
"DIE YOU LITTLE RUG RAT!" Monet screamed as she chased Daria.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
We now change the scene to a beautiful mansion just outside the city. Riding on horseback is Jean Grey-Summers and her daughter Madelyne.
"Now I'm a daughter instead of a sister," Madelyne grumbled. "It's wonderful being a clone!"
Just say your lines!
"Fine!" Madelyne rolled her eyes before getting into character. "Oh Mother! I beat you! I really beat you!"
"You certainly did Darling!" Jean smiled.
"Can you take a picture of me crossing the finish line? I don't want to tell Father myself. It makes me sound conceited," Madelyne asked.
"Of course Darling I…God this is so sickeningly sweet even I want to throw up," Jean groaned.
"Can I just get out of here so we can get on with the next scene?" Madelyne asked. "It's kind of boring anyway. All it does is set up what a happy home life we have. Or what we think we have."
"Well this is Red's story so why not?" Jean agreed. "Besides I've got to not only get ready for the luncheon, I've got to pack for our big trip to Canada."
"So you and Father are really going for two whole weeks?" Madelyne asked as she dismounted from her horse.
"That's right," Jean said as she dismounted. "Your Father has been working late every night for months. Hasn't been coming home before one in the morning. Poor dear. He's always so tired. Well at least he's coming home early tonight. Then we can go on our trip tomorrow!"
"That's what you think," Madelyne muttered under her breath.
"What?" Jean blinked.
"I said, I need to get a drink," Madelyne said quickly. "Of water!"
"And I need to wash up for the luncheon," Jean nodded.
Not long afterwards Jean's friends and her 'cousin' uh, Pietra were getting ready for lunch. Pietra was there along with Jean's college friend and world famous writer Wanda Maximoff, and her other friend Amara, another society wife. A young silly society wife.
"Ooooooohhhh!" Amara twittered. "Isn't everything so wonderful! Wheeeeee!"
"What's wrong with her?" Pietra asked Wanda. "She's loopier than Pyro after sniffing lighter fluid."
"Uh well you know how Amara's character is supposed to be a bit of a dip and Amara hasn't exactly been little Miss Happy lately?" Wanda whispered. "And more like Little Miss Burn Everything to the Ground?"
"Red Witch drugged her didn't she?" Pietra asked.
"It's amazing what a shot of Jack Daniels in some coffee and some prescription medication can do," Wanda nodded. "Actually I think that's how Charlie Sheen gets some of his best performances."
"I dunno," Pietra said. "Didn't exactly help Brittany Spears."
"Look as long as Amara doesn't shave her head and run over people I think she'll be fine," Wanda remarked. "Speaking of people who should be run over, where's Monet?"
"She's late from her doctor's appointment…" Pietra waved. The doorbell rang. "That's her."
"Ooh," Monet staggered in.
"How are you feeling darling?" Pietra asked.
"Awful, I wouldn't wish my troubles on my worst friend," Monet groaned.
"You have friends?" Wanda raised an eyebrow.
"She's fine. Now back to me," Pietra waved. "So I said to Remy: Do you expect me to stay at home all day while you're out gallivanting all over town? You expect me to cook and clean for you all day? That's why we keep servants!"
"You don't keep them long," Wanda remarked. "Didn't the last one throw lamb's blood on your door and screamed warnings that the devil was near?"
"Contract negotiations," Pietra sniffed. "Do yourself a favor and save your cracks for your next book! Oh Monet…" Pietra shifted to the side to try and talk to her but realized other people were in the room.
"Oh look at this pretty, pretty picture!" Amara twittered. "Isn't this divine? It's an article about Jean and the little girl. Little girls…Hic!"
"Let me see that," Pietra grabbed the magazine. "Hmph! The happy homemaker herself telling everyone how wonderful her life is! Leave it to Jean to make sure she's photographed from her best side."
"Good side my eye," Wanda sniffed. "This picture doesn't half do her justice."
"Jealous much?" Monet sneered.
"I wish I could make a little money writing the way you do," Amara smiled with a glazed look in her eye.
"If you wrote the way I do that's just what you'd make," Wanda said.
"I wish I had a little more money," Amara sighed. "Then Johnny and I can afford to have a baby…Johnny…Pyro…I'm married to Pyro. Why do I have the sudden urge to vomit? Oh well. I'm married…married, married, married to Pyro."
"Boy those pills really do work," Wanda blinked.
"I wish I could afford to have a baby, but I can't…" Amara sighed.
"And you never will if your bridge game doesn't improve," Pietra sniffed. "Ooh! Smoked oysters!"
"Oh no…I don't feel so good…" Monet turned green and ran to the bathroom.
"Oh I adore Monet but she does get me down," Pietra waved. "No wonder her husband has a wandering eye!"
"What?" Amara blinked. "He wouldn't!"
"Oh my dear, Mr. Daniels is one of those flirty types! Just loves to kiss all the girls!" Pietra waved theatrically. "Well, he tried that on me and I told him off! I…Monet is married to EVAN? OH I LOVE THIS ROLE!"
"I DON'T!" Evan shouted off camera.
"Anyway he tried that act with me and I told him to knock it off," Pietra sniffed. "I told him that if he tried that again I'll run straight to Monet and tell her what a swine he was!"
"LIES! ALL LIES!" Evan screamed offstage.
"I'M EXTREMELY DESIRABLE! DEAL WITH IT!" Pietra shouted.
"Well did you tell Monet?" Amara asked.
"Of course not!" Pietra snapped. "I'd rather die than hurt Monet! She's my dearest friend!"
"Nuts," Wanda casually held up a plate of nuts.
"Thanks," Pietra gave her a look and started munching on them. "Well I'm onto my husband! Wouldn't trust him in a men's prison. He'd never be stupid enough to fool around on me! I've got his number! And the number of a few good divorce attorneys!"
"Oh! You shouldn't talk like that about your husband! It's disloyal!" Amara twittered.
"Listen Miss Fire Bombed, how do you think the men talk about us when we're not around?" Pietra gave her a look.
"I've heard rumors," Wanda agreed.
"Exactly," Pietra sniffed. "And uh while we're on the subject any of you ever wonder if the master of this estate may be straying?"
"I haven't," Wanda glared at him.
"All I'm saying is that for all we know Jean Grey may be living in a fool's paradise!" Pietra sniffed.
"You're so resourceful darling I ought to go to you for plots," Wanda sniffed.
"You ought to go to someone," Pietra gave her a look. Monet returned from the bathroom. "Feeling better dear?"
"False alarm," Monet waved. "I hope you didn't talk about me too much."
"Oh we're off you now," Wanda said. "And onto our hostess."
"I think Jean is very wise snatching Scotty boy off to Canada," Pietra preened.
"You can't stand Jean's happiness can you?" Wanda bristled. "It just gets you down! You're just jealous because Jean is content to be what she is."
"And what's that?" Pietra asked.
"A woman."
"And what are we?" Pietra asked. "For the most part anyway."
"Females," Wanda gave them a look.
"And what does that make you?" Pietra snapped.
"What nature abhors, a frozen asset. But believe me, I've seen the way you idiots act and if that's love I am in no hurry to fall into it," Wanda told them. "YOU HEAR ME RED WITCH? NO HURRY!"
"Oh if only I could get out of here for a moment…" Pietra muttered.
"Hold it! We don't have to leave the room!" Monet snapped telepathically. "I'm a telepath! I can just tell you any damn thing I want in private with a telepathic link!"
"Oh right," Pietra realized. "Okay darling! Let's dish!"
"Finally! I thought I'd never get you alone! I can't wait to get the low down! Now tell me everything!" Monet said.
"Well…" Pietra began. "Well I went to Sorciere Rouge for my hair. And you should go! I despise whoever does yours! Well this manicurist Tabitha gave me these nails! Isn't the color divine? Jungle red! Just a wonderful color! Wonderful! Well she and I got to talking about people we know and who was doing what and then the whole ghastly story rolled out!"
"Quicksilver will you slow your thoughts down?! You're giving me a headache!" Monet snapped. "But is it someone we know?"
"No that's what's so awful about it! She sells perfume at Red's Fifth Avenue!" Pietra crowed.
"Red's! Oh my! A shop girl!" Monet appeared scandalized.
"Oh it wouldn't be so bad if Scott picked someone from his own class but really!"
"But how did they meet?"
"Oh how do men meet these types of girls?" Pietra shrugged. "How do men meet girls like that? That's all they live for the rats!"
"That's awful! Someone should really shut that manicurist up!" Monet agreed.
"A good piece of scandal like that? Not on your life! Besides that's what girls like that live for! You can't shut them up!" Pietra waved. "That's all they do is talk! Babble, babble, babble. Never let up for a minute. Doesn't care whose lives they ruin. And boy does Jean have some tacky stuff! You would think with all the money she has she could afford to buy better things!"
"Really cheap," Monet agreed.
"It wouldn't be so bad if only Jean's friends knew! We can keep our mouths shut!" Pietra sniffed.
"I never say a word about my friends and their husbands!" Monet sniffed.
"So do I!" Pietra sniffed. Then they gave each other a look.
"You look like the cat that swallowed the canary," Wanda remarked at the two. "Whatever gossip you two featherheads chatted about must have been choice!"
"It was!" Pietra snapped.
"What are you talking about?" Jean asked as she entered the room.
"Nothing," Pietra smirked. "How's Scott?"
"Oh he's fine!" Jean smiled. "Just fine! He can't wait to go away on our trip!"
"I'll bet," Pietra grumbled.
Just then the phone rang. "I'll get it," Jean went over to answer the phone. "Hello? Scott? Darling how are…What? Oh Scott! That's awful! All over the interstate? Well how did they fill up those trucks with popcorn and chickens anyway? Oh well. At least you'll be able to come home in time to…WHAT? The entire office has been struck with the flu and chronic diarrhea? How did that happen? Okay Kitty's cooking…Yeah that's believable. It's just awful you have to cancel your vacation. Well we can always go away another time. I mean it is an emergency after all. Thank goodness you were smart enough not to eat any. I'll call you later. Good bye."
Jean hung up the phone and went back to the table. "Trouble in paradise?" Pietra preened.
"Oh Scott's stuck at the office for the next few weeks because everyone made the mistake of eating Kitty's cookies and drinking her punch," Jean sighed. "And to top it off there was this horrible accident on the interstate and all the roadways will be jammed for hours. Oh well, at least Scott's safe."
"Wanna bet?" Pietra snickered. A look from Jean silenced her. "I mean, this is the best luncheon yet!"
"You're taking this awfully well," Wanda remarked to Jean.
"Well what are you going to do?" Jean shrugged. "Poor Scott all alone in the city. I feel so bad for him. He must get so lonely working all those late hours."
"Boy Jean's really bad at telepathy isn't she?" Monet whispered.
"You have no idea!" Pietra rolled her eyes. "Two words: Duncan Matthews!"
Then Pietra got a wicked idea. "Say Jean," Pietra showed Jean her nails. "Like my nails? I just got them done at the salon by this divine girl named Tabitha."
"They're very nice," Jean said.
"Yes! This color's called Jungle Red! It would go perfectly with your hairstyle!" Pietra grinned.
"You know you're right," Jean said. "And it has been a long time since I've had a manicure."
"Well why don't you let me set you up with an appointment?" Pietra grinned.
"Don't worry," Jean tapped her head. "Tabitha, Jungle Red. I'll remember."
Two words folks: Big mistake! Be here next time as things start to heat up!