Funhouse

by Girliegirl1179

What happened when Steph found Dickie and Joyce on the dining room table? What happens several years later when she finds Joe with Terri? Babe HEA! One-shot songfic challenge response. Rated M for language. Please read and review. CUPCAKES BE WARNED!

Funhouse

Disclaimer: Darn still not mine. I just like to play.

A/N: Okay, so this little oneshot got stuck in my head. So I added in 2 prompts from the PP challenge and 2 prompts from the B_S challenge. Thanks to Angie for everything as always. You rock, Babe. The song lyrics are to Pink's Funhouse. If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it. For those of you reading You Did What? it's coming tomorrow. I always feel like I'm forgetting something … OH YEAH!!!! REVIEWS PLEASE!!!!

---

Stephanie's POV

I walked into my house today and what the hell did I find? My dickhead of a husband was in the dining room, fucking my arch enemy on our dining room table. He was flat on his back, and she was on top, riding him like Zorro.

"What the fuck?" I screamed.

"Oh shit!" Dickie sat up, dumping Joyce on her ass.

I reached down, grabbed the bitch by her hair, and drug her naked ass to the door like the nasty, stinking trash she was. She started to fight, when she realized I was about to shove her out the door. I punched her in the face and pushed her flabby ass out of what used to be my home. I turned around to see Dickie trying to pull up his pants and move away from me, quickly. I picked up a candle holder, testing the weight before lugging it at him, pelting him right between the eyes.

He fell to the floor screaming, "You crazy bitch! What do you think you're doing?"

"Crazy Bitch! Crazy Bitch! You're the dickhead that was fucking another woman. We've only been married a month, you bastard! You haven't seen crazy yet!" I stalked upstairs and opened the window in our bedroom. I started tossing every piece of his clothing out of the opening, not giving a shit where it landed.

I could hear a commotion outside, I looked down to the yard to see the neighbors standing around, watching the show. Good for them! I was way past the point of caring.

Dickie must have recovered from the candle stick blow, because I could hear him walking up the stairs, cussing me under his breath as he made his way to the top.

I looked around the room for something else to throw at him. His golf clubs were near the closet. A wicked grin spread across my face. Perfect!

He pushed the door open slowly not seeing me, thankfully because I was hidden behind it. He turned and saw me, right as I threw a driver at him, hitting him yet again right between the eyes! He quickly retreated back downstairs. He was getting smarter, the prick.

I finished throwing all of his belongings out the window, including everyone of his precious clubs. I went back downstairs passing the offending dining room table as I walked by, and rage ran through my system. I stomped towards the damn piece of wood. I looked at it with blind hatred before I started dragging it to the same door I threw the skank out of.

Dickie walked back into the room from the kitchen, holding an ice pack to his head. He looked at me with apologetic eyes. "Steph, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me?"

"Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, you must think I'm stupid because there is no way that you are sorry. You're just worried about what I'll do to your career."

I finally managed to get the table out into the yard. I walked back inside picking up our wedding picture. Dickie seemed to have finally realized what I'd been doing. He ran outside trying to get close enough to me to make me stop. I reached down and picked up the gallon of gas for the lawnmower, and quickly dosed everything in gasoline before striking a match. I felt a sense of empowerment at the sound of the fire coming to life. The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. I'm taking back my power, starting today. I walked away and never looked back.

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall

Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Several years later …

You have got to be kidding me? This cannot be happening again? What is it about me that make's men think that they need to cheat on me? I've been living with Joe for a few months. I chose to keep the job with Ranger, but in the end, went back to Joe's bed. Yes, I know now, STUPID ME!!!!

I walked into Joe's house and was shocked to hear moaning coming from upstairs. Was Joe watching a porno? I made my way quickly upstairs, to find Joe and Terri fucking on our bed. The bed that Joe insisted I go help him pick out. I removed my gun from my cargo's aiming it directly at Joe's ass. Fury quickly ran through my blood stream, festering, causing a wicked giggle to escape my throat as I pulled the trigger shooting Joe in the left butt cheek.

Terri screamed and Joe started cussing, "Damn it, Stephanie, what the fuck?!"

I couldn't stop laughing, "Just be glad I only shot your ass. Your dick would have been a little difficult to hit, considering where it was located at the time." I reached down and hit my panic button that Ranger insisted I wear on my waist. I figured that I was going to need a lawyer, and knew that the signal would cause the Calvary to appear.

Joe was hopping around naked, holding onto his ass to stop the bleeding. Terri was wrapped in the bed sheet screaming at me, "You're a crazy bitch, Stephanie Plum."

"Bitch, you're calling me a bitch? I'm pretty sure I came home and found you in my bed, not the other way around. You're the Bitch in heat, Terri! But honestly, you're more than just a bitch. Let's see, let's start with tramp, slut, ho, and skank. Oh wait, I missed one. How about we throw in a cunt to top it off?! Yeah, that works for me."

She lunged for me and I punched her mid flight, knocking her out cold. Hmm … I guess Ranger's training insistence had finally paid off.

Joe looked remorseful as he tried to walk towards me, "Cupcake?"

"You have lost the right to ever call me that again."

Joe pulled on some boxer shorts, helped Terri up, and hobbled down the steps. I looked around the room and suddenly felt the need to clean. I opened the window and started tossing out everything that held a memory for us. I threw out most of his clothes, the pictures of us together, and the bed sheets. I glanced outside to see the street filling up with cops and nosy neighbors. I saw four black SUV's outside with various Merry Men watching me toss stuff out the window, amused expressions on their faces.

I walked towards the door with every intention of walking away. But, I paused, and looked back at the bed. I refused to let that slut ever sleep on my bed again.

I heard a lot of commotion outside and looked to see the Merry Men and Lula yelling at Joe and Terri as they came out of the house.

Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory

I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Looking at the bed had caused my blood to return to boiling, and Joe running off with Terri just took the cake. I walked back over to the window and called to Lester and Lula. "Hey, you two, I could use some help up here."

I heard them coming up the stairs. They arrived and looked at me with sad eyes. "Steph, are you okay?" Lula asked.

"I'm good. I just need some help getting this mattress out into the front yard. Think you can do it?" I smirked at Lester.

"Can I do it? He asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

He reached over, lifted the mattress like it was a feather, and walked outside. I followed behind him, thinking about how fun this was going to be.

Lester looked at me, "Where you want it, beautiful?"

"Just toss it on top." I motioned to the huge pile of stuff in the front yard.

Carl walked over to me. "Steph, you know that I'm going to have to arrest you for shooting Joe, right?"

I turned and glared at him, he backed up a few steps before coming to an abrupt halt. Carl looked over his to shoulder to realize he'd walked right into Tank. Tank handed over some sort of document. Carl looked down quickly, scanned the document, smirked, and then walked back to his patrol car to watch the craziness that has become my life.

I turned to look at Tank, "You want to explain to me what' in that letter?"

"That," he motioned over to where Carl stood, "Is your 'get out of jail free' card."

"Hmm …" I wondered if that pass had an expiration date.

Lester walked up beside me, "Steph, I know that look. How about you hand me your gun? You don't want to do anything stupid, like shooting Joe again, right?"

"You're no fun," I pouted, handing over my gun, before walking around to the back of the house. I grabbed the gas can from under the porch. I walked back to the pile of stuff, and started to douse the pile with gasoline to the cheers of the Merry Men. Lula was asking to help and everyone else seemed to be horror struck by my behavior.

My mom told me once that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I'll be damned, if I let the hairy ass of one Joe Morelli make me feel this way.

I lit the match and felt the familiar sense of empowerment at the whoosh of the fire coming to life. "Never again," I vowed.

I grabbed Lula by the hand and started dancing with her around the bonfire that symbolized the end of this chapter of my life. I started chanting, "Never again," over and over.

I felt the familiar tingle that told me Ranger was near, but I ignored him.

He grabbed me, pulling me tightly against his strong chest. "Looking a little crazy there, Babe. Thought you promised not to do that?"

"Well, you've promised not to get shot before, and it didn't really work out. Besides, we all need a little crazy." I smirked.

He flashed me a thousand watt grin, "You ready to go, Babe?"

"Go where?"

"Anywhere, wherever you want, your choice." He held out his hand to me.

"Can we go to the beach?"

He chuckled, "Should have known," before pulling me towards the Turbo. As we passed Tank, Ranger told him, "We're offline."

"Offline for how long?" Tank grinned.

"I'll call you, don't call me."

Ranger drove us straight to the beach in Point Pleasant. We stopped at a mall and bought everything we'd need for a few days away. He shoes one of his safe houses that he kept on the beach. We made our way inside and I walked over to the wall of windows facing the ocean when the tears started to fall. Why do men feel the need to treat me like trash? I was lost in my private pity party and didn't notice Ranger coming up behind me. He picked me up and sat down with me in his lap doing nothing more than holding me and letting me cry. I cried for a few hours until finally, I asked myself one question. Were either of them worth my tears?

That one question caused an epiphany. Neither Joe nor Dickie ever deserved me. They never appreciated me, treated me like a friend, or really loved me. The one person that did all those things was the man that held me in his arms right now. From that moment, I made a promise to myself. I was going to get what I wanted and what I deserved. I was going to make Ranger Manoso mine! I started to giggle and Ranger looked at me like I'd lost it.

"What's so funny, Babe?"

"It's just ironic that I'm crying over an ass and a dick. Neither of them deserves me. You know they say that a good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book, but I disagree a good laugh in the arms of your best friend is the cure. A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. You're my best friend, thanks for taking care of me."

Ranger turned my face towards his, and for once, the blank face was gone. I could see the love in his eyes as he closed the distance between us and gently brushed our lips together.

A few days later …

When we went back to Trenton, I moved into a fourth floor apartment. Ranger offered me his bed on seven, but I needed to grow up first. I wouldn't do that if I was living with him. I mean, I know I was living in his building, but I wasn't letting him shelter me, completely.

Two months after the Morelli incident …

Ranger and I spent all of our free time together. Something had changed between us, we shifted from friendship to something much more and Ranger asked me out on a date. A real date, not pizza, beer, and a hockey game as had been the custom of most of my previous boyfriends.

We were seated in a secluded corner of Rossini's when Ranger picked up my hand and asked me to dance. We moved slowly to the music, enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms.

"Babe, I want to ask you something." He seemed hesitant, "I know that I've said some things in the past that might make it hard for you to believe me. But, I want to share my life with you, I want to wake up with you every morning and go to sleep with you every night. I want you to choose me."

I was shocked by his declaration. When his words finally registered, I placed my hands on his face holding it so that he was looking right at me, before I spoke the words I'd wanted to say for months, "I choose you." I closed the distance between us and kissed him with all the love I'd had kept hidden from him for so long.

When we finally broke for a breath, neither of us could hide the smiles on our faces. He wrapped an arm around my waist and started walking us out of the restaurant towards the Turbo.

Once we were in the car and driving towards our someday, I looked over at him and said, just to make sure he knew, "So, I just want to let you know up front. If I ever catch you with another woman, they won't find the bodies or the mattresses."

"Babe!" he said with a chuckle.

I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this fucker down

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(9, 8)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(7, 6)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(5, 4, 3)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(2, 1)

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

And they lived happily ever after.

The End …

Word Count 2438

A/N: So what did you think? Please review.