First of all: Hello, I hope you're fine and I'm happy that you found your way to my fanfiction. I'm distributing a little gift – a bowl of feels – for everyone. Do you also have tissues? If no, go and fetch some. I'll wait here.
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Well, I hope you're ready now. Have fun with this emotional trip through a tiny part of the GX universe.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own anything of this story, except the idea. The song that I used at some parts is from Evanescence, "Even in Death".
Important Note: I wanted you to tell that I'm fully aware of the storyline of the 4th season. But please let's just ignore the last season for this story's sake, as I wanted to show you my (sick) ideas which took over my mind at around 03:00 a.m. with support of the song I mentioned above ;-)
For the ones disliking song lyrics – I assure you, they're much less important than in any other songfic. You can skip them and you'll get the full story anyway :)
Many thanks to: Sadly I didn't have appropriate beta readers for the english version, so I'll give credit to Mel, one of two very close friends of mine, who was my beta reader for the german version, although she is not nearly as obsessed with GX as I am. ありがとうございます姉さん!
*~Au revoir, mon amour...~*
A single view outside shows me the grey clouds, just as far as you can see. Well, if you look at the clock, it is not really important anymore. Soon the night will fall and the sun will set – although it isn't visible at all.
The weather does not really like me, does it? It is just as dark as where I come from ... and dark as my thoughts. In general, the weather is the last thing that should be concerning me right now. To be honest, I just realized the dark clouds, although I am on my way since several hours. And if it took the whole day, I would do everything to visit you today.
No, the others do not know. And that is simply the best. They would have only tried to prevent me from my plan. Moreover, I do not want to take them with me. I want to visit you alone. Completely alone ...
Give me a reason to believe, that you're gone.
I see your shadow, so I know they're all wrong.
I do not want to believe them. Yes, I know, I am talking about my friends, and my brother. My best friends. Our friends. But they do not know anything about my feelings. They do not know my biggest desire. Yes, they are mourning too. And nevertheless they try to be strong for me, to distract me from exactly this kind of thoughts. But they do not accept that I do not want that. I do not want to be distracted from you, I do no want to think about anything else than you – and I know, you would have been able to relate to me ...
Until the sudden announcement of the train, I was lost in this kind of thought.
"Attention, passengers: Due to a technical issue, we will be delayed momentarily. Thank you for your understanding."
For a moment I stop looking through the window and at the clouds. I did not even notice the huge crowd that was built from the people who got on the train at each station. Since this issue would take some time, most people get off the train. Some other people get on the train, hoping that it would soon continue its journey. And seeing all this people, I am thinking repeatedly one of them is you. One or two times I even want to call your name – until the crowd disappears and I know, that was not you...
I lower my head and look at the ground of the train, completely lost in thoughts. Deep inside I know that I am not going to see you anymore. Never again. At least not in the body of yours I used to know. However, since that day my dreams revolve around you every night... I know, that you are here beside me, despite the distance. You would never leave me for good ... I feel you by my side with every look, with every though … does that not count … ?
According to our friends: No. Some of them are often really upset, when I – once again – try to explain them that you are still beside me, that you never left me. In spite of everything. They just press "play" on their usual program of 'How to distract Asuka's mind'. Sometimes I cannot help but think they have so much fun going through their program that they forget, what their purpose was. Well, they would never succeed anyway. I know that they are wrong. I just feel your presence in every second of my life, I hear your words and see each of your reactions ... you are not gone. You are still here.
My attention is once again drawn back to the train, thanks to its jerky movement of leaving the station. Obviously, the problem is solved. I honestly do not know how long it took them, but it seems to have been quite some time, since the night is falling now. Not a little sign of a sunset. The thick clouds prevent the view of the big, shining circle. Exactly like the physical world tries to prevent you from any view. She's successful – at least concerning the others. In terms of me, she will never be successful.
It is almost time for me to get off the train, more precisely it is the next stop ... someone said, I would not be strong enough to visit you. Another comment told me to "drop the subject". I cannot remember who of our friends said these things. I just know that the are not right. They absolutely do not know me, do not know my strength and about "the subject". Guys, "the subject" had a name ... no, it has. And the headline is love. A love that even death cannot part.
I get off the train and cross the road. The breeze is softly caressing my hair. Yes, it is true, I learned this way by heart. Especially back then I was often here. Where you are. Until I made the mistake to tell the others where I am if they did not know where to look for me. But today, there is something different at this corner … just a new shop which has opened lately, as I discovered on closer examination. A flower shop – how surprisingly considering the surroundings. Although I have to admit the flowers look much better than in all the other flower shops here.
Several minutes later, I'm standing in front of the cashier's desk after paying. "Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!", the young shop assistant said, full of enthusiasm. Without even considering to answer I take my product and leave. I never paid much attention to such days. But since that day the "Day of Love", "Valentine's Day" as the most people call it, is one of the most important days in my life – if not the most important at all. After all, it took the most important subject of my life away from me...
Moonlight on this soft brown earth – it leads me to where you lay.
They took you away from me, but now I'm taking you home!
I do not know how long I am on my way. It is not important either. Merely the moon shares his gentle rays of light with me.
Like always I am alone on this street, but the crepuscular light makes it a bit easier for me to find the way.
Like always, the big entrance out of steel is opened. Now it is not far anymore.
And like always on this way, I have on my mind what the others told me. After all, I was not there. In the end I could not help you, I could not be at your side in your last hours. Yes, my mind tells me what has taken you away from me; but my heart, my soul, they do not make a single approach to understand. I really do not want to understand.
Briefly I stop as something soft, fur-like touches my legs. I reach down and see – Pharaoh. Did he really follow me on the whole way? When I gave my last lesson today, he definitely was still at school.
At the place where I met you.
At the place where our tender blossom of love started to grow.
At the place where to return was so difficult for me.
At the place where I teach today; where I can perform the activity which I told you was the "dream of my future".
As of today, I know that my true dream of the future can never ever be reality anymore…
I appreciate that I chose this profession. This way I don't have to explain neither myself nor any situation. The few people who knew you do not ask me any questions. Professor Chronos even suggested to give the lessons instead of me today. But I declined. I never was the typical girl, weak and needy. I know why I cling to this profession after everything that has happened. The school was the place where the memories with you have become a part of my live. Each class room, each blue-dressed pupil, each blade of grass holds this memories. And above all, on the island – no, on our island – there is the lighthouse, where I still go and let my emotions run freely when they are stronger than my soul endures.
Pharaoh seems to like me petting him. But I am not here because of him. With every step I take, this cat is following me. I just wanted to be alone … even he is bothering me. I want to have you all to myself – just one last time …
I pick Pharaoh up. His meow tells me he does not like it. I bet he does also not like what I am telling him: "Please leave me alone. You can wait for me on the main entrance." I put him down again and hope he follows my order. In any case, I do not focus on him anymore. Even if I wanted to, I cannot see him anymore. Tears come to my eyes. With every step which leads me closer to you, I lose control over my feelings. Every single time we were together comes slowly back to my mind. Every single embrace from you, every single kiss we shared – it is like you never left …
Suddenly I stop, kind of automatically. My subconsciousness tells me I have arrived. As I free my eyes from my tears and look at that cold stone, I see that my subconsciousness was right. Finally I reached my destination …
I will stay forever here with you, my love.
The softly spoken words you gave me -
Even in Death our love goes on.
I am standing in front of what people call the "last resting place". Your "last resting place". It still was decorated beautifully. The colourful wreaths are brought here regularly on behalf of our friends. They are lying in front of the stone like it was yesterday …
In spite of the salty water coming out of my eyes I have to smile. You would have never liked all this decoration, especially the brightly coloured flowers. Presumably you would have given them one look, sighed exasperatedly and walked on. Yet I am so stupid and brought you one of these flowers as well. I take the wrapping paper away and try to stuff it into the pocket of my jacket. I also cannot manage to touch the "flower of love" without feeling the pain of touching the thorn this time, like nearly always. But compared to the pain my soul endures since so many years, this little sting does not hurt at all.
My thoughts bring back the memories of your first present for me – it was a bouquet of dark red roses. And since I am clumsy from time to time, I have managed to touch the thorns back then too. You have taken the roses, put them into the porcelain vase you have brought along and looked for a plaster for my really unimportant wound, if it can even be described as one. Without me saying a word, you knew that I was kind of embarrassed because of my little accident – and you have comforted me by giving me a kiss, stroking my hair and taking away my feeling of being incapable.
I would do anything if we could just relive this moment … if I could feel your gentle hand on my hair one more time, being able to return your kiss only once more …
Once again I hear your voice. Every single word of encouragement and comforting – they are our secret. The others would not believe me anyway if I told them how sympathetic you were. How you could say everything that was needed and much more with so little words. And especially the sound of three of your words are always in my mind and ear: "I love you."
While living in all these memories, I do not realize how firmly I hold the stem of my dark red rose with both of my hands. No, I do not damage it. The rose looks as if it had morning dew on its leaves. The water gleams in its most beautiful colours in the sallow moonlight. But it is only consisting of my tears. They just do not stop. Continuing looking at the ground, I realize little stains of blood, which are presumably caused by the wounds on my hands. Still, I do not feel any pain. At least no pain which is caused by this little injuries …
I take the rose to my mouth and touch its blossom with my lips. Maybe the blossom can give you one last kiss from me, since I never had the opportunity to …
One further teardrop is running down my face. And once again the memories take over my thoughts …
Back when my brother came back and was hospitalized for quite a long time, I have stayed with him whenever I could. Sometimes you have been there too. I have been so afraid of losing him that I was crying nearly every night when I was at his side. But you wiped away every single tear from my face. Your caresses were the only things I needed. You did not have to say anything. We knew this right from the start …
Suddenly I feel something wet on my head. It starts to rain a bit. Even the sky cries … but he doesn't have a reason, compared to me. In the end he has his most beautiful angel back now …
Slowly I sit down on the moist earth. My left hand is searching for the place under which my heart, which feels so heavy now, is placed. I know that this pain I am feeling right now stands in absolutely no relation to the pain you must have endured in your last days. And although it feels so unbearable …
In my right hand there is still the dark red rose, which I slowly place on top of all the other flowers, wreaths and decorations. It suits you – this little flower seems so noble compared to all the other things here. Like you always were …
Some say I'm crazy for my love, my love …
But no bonds can hold me from your side, my love …
I can hear the comments of the others in my mind again. According to them I shall let go, I shall accept the reality, I shall be like they knew me before … Only a week ago, when we were at a restaurant together, they all acted like childish idiots without any exception. For example, Judai tried target shooting with little balls made out of napkins. He aimed for the holes of the house of cards your brother built with great precision before. But Fubuki surpassed once again everything when he started to climb up the table in his Hawaiian t-shirt, singing and playing on his ukulele. After that incident the waiter friendly advised us to leave, but I have to admit that they did everything to make me feel better. But the only one who would be successful is you …
All the time when our friends were busy playing the clowns like I mentioned before, I just thought about the empty place next to me. Probably our friends did not even notice. After all, tables in restaurants do not suit every group size. However, for me it was clear to whom this place belonged: To you, Ryō…
In other moments I just do not manage to play along like I did in this restaurant. Then I have to listen again to the statement that you are dead. That you will never return to me. That there is a force which is stronger than us. And that they all would be there for me if I am sad or if I need anybody …
No, they are wrong. They are so completely wrong with all their words. True love cannot die – not, if it is not forgotten. And I know that the moment in which I will no longer be thinking about you is the moment I will draw my last breath into this world. Love is stronger than death. You just broke the chains, that were binding you to this world, apart. Death is just a description of humans for entering the other world. I am sure you are living on there. There, you do not not feel any pain anymore. There, you are not suffering under your past and your decisions anymore. Certainly, you are feeling well in any way at this place …
Just why did you have to leave me behind …?
It was quite a long time since I stopped feeling the cold, the rain and the dirt of the earth on my knees. I also do not know how much tears found their way to the earth or how long I am here. It does not matter either. Despite my mourning, my tears and the pain in my soul I feel close to you. That is all I desire …
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me!
And even though you cannot be here physically, cannot embrace or comfort me with your gentle touches anymore – in those moments when I do not know how to go on and was just seconds away from following you, I can hear your words. Deep inside I know you would not want me to come to your world now. You would say you were just a chapter in my life and that I should open the next one. But Ryō, you were much more for me … you were not just a chapter, you were my whole life …
Back in that night when Fubukis condition after his shadow duel against Judai worsened and I was not allowed to stay at his side anymore, you told me to stay with you in your room. At that time I also cried and was afraid that I would lose my brother for good. You stayed awake the whole night just because of me. You never told me a lie with any of your words like the others do now. You showed me different points of view that were not so dark, not so negative like mine. I know that the others just want to soothe me too and do not intend to lie, but each of their words just lacerates my heart. "You are strong, you will get over that." - "Everything is going to be alright." - "Time heals all wounds."
Damn it, no! I am not strong. Not anymore. Apart from mourning I do not feel anything anymore. I cannot accept that you shall be gone forever … I do not want to accept it. You were so young, our love was like a little daisy in a garden. A little flower that did not survive the cold winter of reality. How could I have ever thought about losing you so suddenly… ?
No, not everything is going to be alright! How can something be "alright", when the incident cannot be made alright?! How can normality ever return, not to mention happiness, if the most important human in my life was taken away from me… ?
No, times does not heal all wounds! You just get used to the pain. But I do not have the strength to get used to this pain. And I do not want to get used to it… if the memory of you does not hurt anymore, I will not be able to remember how it was to love you and be loved by you …
How should time heal all wounds if I sit in the moist earth and my tears cannot stop after so many years? If the pain concerning the thought that you left me here alone does not get easier after so many years … how could you go just like that … ?
Yes, they are my … no, our friends after all. But they do not understand how it is to wake up alone in our bed in the morning, to have breakfast all alone, to go to work without a kiss and a goodbye. To just lock the door behind me and to let our former summer residence all empty, just as if you had never existed. To come home in the evening, to eat alone again and to lie down alone in that bed that always belonged to both of us. Since that time, your side is empty… they do not know that I cry myself to sleep every night. That I embrace your pillow every night and dream whereof I can only dream anymore. Presumably they would not understand anyway. Yes, the night brings melancholy along. The day makes everything seem possible, on the contrary the night abducts me to reality. A reality which seems like a single nightmare. A nightmare which I will never wake up from.
I will stay forever here with you, my love.
The softly spoken words you gave me -
Even in Death our love goes on.
And I can't love you anymore than I do …
Just now I realize that my head lies on one of the wreaths, and my face just in the midst of the flowers. One look at these shows me that my decent makeup must have left its original place. I do not pay attention to that. You saw me cry so many times that this one time here and now does not make any difference. Whilst trying to free my hair from something, I hold the ribbon streamer belonging to the wreath in my hand. In simple letters there was written: "Kaiser Ryō, rest in peace."
You were much more than my friend, and also much more than my love. You were the best student in all three years you have been at the Duel Academy, you had always the highest score in every exam. Every student wanted to be like you. But you were never impressed by all that. In contrary to the other Obelisk Blue students, you still respected each and every other person.
When you graduated and switched to the pro league, the whole academy supported you. You duels were even broadcasted on the whole area of the academy and the professors cancelled their lessons to make it possible for everyone to watch.
But what happened to you after… ? I wish I would have never joined that Society of Light. I could have been there for you when you needed me the most … and maybe I could have saved you from this kind of destiny. Manjoume, that fucking idiot, is responsible for all that… I do not know what you changed so drastically after that one duel. I only know that I would have never left you alone if I knew how much you have suffered…
These underground duels did not just destroy your soul but also your body … but it suits you that you did not want to just wait somewhere for death. You wanted to die while doing what your passion was. I really regret so much that I could not be at your side when you had your last duel …
Carefully I lie the ribbon streamer down like it was before. To be honest it does not matter anyway, since the arrangement does not look anymore like it should due to the rain. Well, I could restore the decorations and flowers to their original place at least, but I am lacking the strength to stand up right now … Gently, I touch the dark red rose I brought along once again. It is like I could feel you again through it … like I could place my hand in yours one last time …
Yes Ryō, I know you would not want to see me like this. I just cannot take it anymore. In the meantime I have stopped crying. It seems like there are no tears inside me anymore. My whole body is shaking, it is difficult for me to breathe. I love you, only you. I know you would say that I should start loving again. You would kiss the tears away from my face and ask me to live like before. Please believe me, it hurts so much not to be able to live up to this wish of yours… The love we had was something unique. Maybe I will be able to laugh again someday. But I will never ever love like I loved you again…
I turn around jerkily since I hear some kind of noise behind me. Seems like it was just the rain that is dropping down from a leaf of a tree. Viewing the surroundings shortly, I realize how long I must have been here. On the horizon, the sun already cleaves its way to the firmament. Instead of the sallow moonlight a ray of sunlight is reaching your grave. In spite of my tears that do not want to come out anymore and my mourning a slight smile sneaks in my face. It seems as if you were unique even in this place. It is the only ray of sunlight that enlightens the graveyard right now – and it chooses your "last resting place" of all places. Oh, how I hate all those words. They carry something depressing, something final with them. But after this night I know, wherever you are now, you are not gone forever. It is so difficult for me to move on and you are at my side even now. One last time I take the rose, kiss it gently, exactly like I have kissed you so many times, and lie it down where it belongs to – above all the other flowers. Once again two tears are searching its way down to the earth, across my face. But they are not full of pain like the other countless ones before.
Slowly I stand up and try to free my body and my clothing from the moist earth as well as I can. Doing that I notice that the wrapping paper of the rose is still in my pocket. I take it out and search the next dustbin. I know now that I do not need physical objects to be near you – I hold the memory of our time together. No one can take this memory away from me. It tells me that you will be at my side forever.
Having returned, I look at the stone that will always remind everyone else of you. Anyway, I am presumably one of the few people who know how you really were. I really appreciate this and I am so grateful for letting me know you true self – and that you gifted me with your trust and your love/that you confided in me and gifted me with your love. I will never ever forget you, Ryō, as long as I live.
People die, but real love is forever.
As my hands disappear in the pockets of my jacket, I find some sticky notes from my lessons yesterday and some writing material. I take one of the pens and write, nearly unreadable, with a shaky handwriting three lines on one of these notes. Subsequently I reach down and take my present for you into my hands one last time for attaching the note on the rose stem.
I am not going to tell anyone where I spent this night. I know exactly what I would have to listen to. Yes, they are worried about me, I know. But this one night resembled one last night with you. It helped me far more than any therapy or any attempt of distraction of our friends ever could. Thank you very much, Ryō. Even after your death you are there for me. Now I know, that actually you never left me and that you are never going to leave me alone. I love you, and I am going to love you forever.
The alarm clock of my mobile phone draws my attention to the time. I should head to the academy.
One last time I look at the stone in which your name is engraved, and at all the decorations in front of it. While looking, I notice that my handwriting is a little bit more readable than I thought. With a slight smile I hope that you can read my message, wherever you are …
"You will be in my heart forever. I am looking forward to our reunion.
With all my love and gratitude, Asuka.
Asuka Marufuji"
A little note: I wanted you to know now, after reading the fanfiction, that english isn't my mother tongue, so in addition to a review, that you will hopefully write now, I'd be glad to have any grammar/spelling/other mistakes corrected.
I hope you liked it! And please, review :3
Kokospinguin~