I've spent two fics almost killing Cartman so it's about time I actually did it?

Anyway, yes it's your stereotypical teenangel story with eventual Kyman.

Kyle had been away at the Jew Scout Summer Camp and he would spend the following few weeks regretting it. He came back the weekend before school started and spent the entire time running around like a headless chicken organising new equipment and clothes and checking and rechecking everything he could before the big day when he would be back at school. He'd wanted to hang out with his friends, at the very least Stan, because he hadn't seen them all summer. But the first day he saw them again was at the bus stop, ready and unwilling to start the new year. He leapt onto Stan's back the moment he spotted him. "Super Bestie!" they both yelled and laughed elatedly and Kyle fist-bumped Kenny next to them.

"How was Camp Hebrewdees?"

"It's not called that, Kenny," Kyle said, sliding down off Stan. "Anyway, that sounds like something Cartman would say."

"Sorry, I've been picking up the slack lately. He's been so quiet."

"Really? Come to think of it…" Carman hadn't made any gay jokes about him and Stan and they'd been in each other's presence for more than thirty seconds. Kyle looked over at Cartman in concern. He was hunched up and wrapped tightly in his coat, squinting at the ground with a wan hue to normally pink cheeks. "Cartman, you okay?"

He grunted.

"He's been like this for a week or so. I think he's just pissed off that you're back," said Stan disdainfully.

Kyle laughed. "Maybe. What's wrong Cartman, am I Jew-ing up the bus stop?" The only reply he got was another grunt, but this one sounded slightly pained. Kyle dropped the self-deprecation immediately. "Something's wrong."

"He's fine, Kyle, he's just attention-seeking. Don't give in to him."

But Kyle always gave into Cartman, even though it usually meant trouble for him. He pressed the back of his hand against Cartman's forehead. He slapped him away. "Gerroff."

"Well, you're not hot..."

"Duh," said Kenny and Stan giggled.

Kyle's eyes flashed at them before he turned back to his ailing friend. "As soon as we're at school I'm taking you to the nurse."

"Leave me alone, Kyle."

That definitely set off alarm bells in Kyle's mind. Cartman called him a lot of things, but hardly ever 'Kyle', at least not correctly pronounced. He curled his fingers around the puffy material of Cartman's coat, pulling him gently towards the approaching school bus. "We're going to the nurse. End of discussion."

Cartman whined, but seemed to accept his fate.

Kyle sat next to him on the bus, to Stan's displeasure, and held his arm with the firm but gentle grip of a mother-animal's mouth when they got off outside the school to make doubly sure he didn't try to run off. He didn't need to bother. Cartman was in no condition to be making any grand escapes. He'd been half-asleep on his shoulder for the whole bus ride, existing somewhere between exhaustion and nausea.

A few feet from the doors and his legs buckled beneath him. He heard Kyle call out to him in a panic and felt the cold harsh kiss of snow against his cheek.

"My son," Satan's voice rumbled through the seventh layer of Hell. "I need to speak with you."

Damien Thorn lifted his head from his arm as he reclined sleepily on a large classical settee, giving his father a cool but firm glare. "I'm busy."

"I apologise," he said, eyeing the blond head undulating between his son's legs, "but it is urgent."

Damien tugged at a leash and the young man released his cock with a delectable wet sound. "Very well, Father. What do you wish to discuss?"

"Several Earth years ago you spent time in a small town called South Park. Where your companion is from, I believe."

Damien nodded, petting his boy.

"Do you recall an Eric Cartman?"

"Oh yes!" Pip interrupted his young master before he could answer his father. "He was ever so mean."

Damien yanked the leash harshly. "When spoken to, Phillip. Yes, we remember him."

"He is about to die. I have been going over his records. He is quite impressive."

"He's a dick if that's what you mean."

"Rather!" Pip squeaked, forgetting his place again until Damien reminded him with another yank.

Satan regarded the pair of them grimly. "My son, you are well aware that the past few thousand years or so humanity, or rather some individuals within it, have done a very good job of surpassing the expectations of evil. As the actual personifications of evil, we cannot be continuously shown up like this. If we allow him into Hell, he might take over. Such a thing almost happened once before." He looked away, perturbed by the memories of his former lover, Saddam Hussein. "Not my proudest moment."

"He's an ambitious little bastard, yes. I wouldn't put it past him. What do you suggest?"

"That is where I am at a loss, child. I had hoped for counsel."

They thought deeply until Damien noticed Pip wriggling desperately beside him, fit to burst. "Oh very well, Pip, you have an idea?"

"Oh yes, yes!" Pip clapped excitedly. "I dare say Cartman has been ever so terrible but perhaps if he did a few things that were ever so nice they might balance out. Karma and all that bally thingummy."

"I don't see how that would change his actual attitude," Damien scoffed.

But Satan seemed sold on the notion. "If we force him to perform good deeds to earn a place in the afterlife, he may actually turn over a new leaf."

"I highly doubt that. And you'll have to persuade him to perform them in the first place."

"If he refuses, then he will be faced with an unpleasant ultimatum." Satan smiled to himself. "Yes, I believe this may have merit." He gave Pip an affectionate stroke on the head before leaving. "Keep hold of this one, my son."

Damien frowned, reopening his pants once his father was gone. "Continue," he ordered.

"Manners go ever such a long way, Damien."

"Please suck my cock, Pip, or I'll set you on fire again."

"Jolly good!"

Kyle stared miserably at Cartman's pale face, bombarded with various tubes and medical equipment, squeezing his hand tightly hoping to gain a response. The sticky tracks of old tears and puffy eyes on Kyle's face told Stan to stay silent when he came in. Kenny wasn't quite as observant. "Hey dude, you still here? The doctor says you should rest. You're not doing him any favours hanging around every day." Kenny's words were harsh, but Kyle felt he deserved them. It was his fault Cartman was here. His kidney was failing; doctors were still trying to work out why. Probably his bad health and diet. But if it weren't for Kyle…

"He's sick because of me. If he had two kidneys he might be okay."

Stan patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Yeah but if he had two kidneys you wouldn't be here. And well, if I had to choose…"

"Stan!" Kyle gasped in horror. "Don't even finish that!"

"I mean, no offence to Cartman."

"EVERY offence to Cartman. You can't compare people like that, it's not right." Kyle scooted closer to the hospital bed. Maybe it was his imagination, or blind optimism, but he thought he heard Cartman briefly stir.

"Do you even hear yourself? He made the comparison first. We had to trick him into giving you that kidney. He couldn't even be bothered to save your life. His own friend!"

"He didn't really want me to die. He was just a little kid, he was scared."

Stan scowled at the blue and yellow beanie in Kyle's lap. He had taken it everywhere since Cartman collapsed. "Who are you trying to convince, Kyle? You're fucking insane if you think Cartman would be grieving over you at any age. That he'd be sat here right now if you swapped places."

Kenny finally stood in front of him. "Dude, not cool. You can talk smack about Cartman when he's dead, but not now."

"He's not going to die!" Kyle cringed. "Don't say stuff like that Kenny."

"Ky…" Their jaws dropped when Cartman's eyes flew open and uttered that syllable. Kyle gripped his hands fiercely, telling him softly that they were here, he was here. Cartman squeezed back weakly, his body jerked once and he flat-lined. Kyle's scream alerted the staff before Kenny could press the emergency call button and Stan held him back out of their way as they crowded in to revive him.

Kyle went limp in Stan's arms a few moments later when he heard them pronounce Cartman dead.

Next Chapter:

"You shall be sent back to the living plane and only return when you have created enough positive Karma to balance out the bad you have caused."

"Fuck, imma be there forever."