I Wish I Never Loved You
It had been a quarter moon since that fateful day when I had watched my mate carry my only two surviving kits across the river. I was now ThunderClan's deputy. This is what StarClan wanted, this is what I wanted, so why am I unhappy? I knew the answer. It was obvious to every ThunderClan cat. Even if they didn't know my secret, that I had given my kits to their RiverClan father, they could still guess how I felt. Losing kits was every queen's worst nightmare and I was no different.
I lay awake in the warriors den with thoughts like these rushing though my head faster than a WindClan cat after a fat rabbit. My heart raced for the kits I loved so dearly, the kits that StarClan had decreed I never should have had.
"Wake up Bluefur", said a soft voice in my ear "you need to sort out patrols, or have you forgotten?"
"No I haven't forgotten Frostfur, I'm coming"
Frostfur obviously saw the longing in my eyes because her next response was the one I had most dreaded.
"You miss you kits, don't you Bluefur?" said Frostfur.
I gazed at the cat who had once been my apprentice. She knew nothing of the pain I had went though as I watched Oakheart carry my kits to RiverClan. She knew nothing of how I dreaded Thistleclaw becoming deputy and leading ThunderClan cats to die in unjust battles. She would never know how I lay awake and pondered over the thing I knew I must do yet dreaded even more than Thistleclaw. All I could bring myself to say was a simple "yes".
Frostfur gave me a quick lick on the ears, her eyes filled with sympathy I did not want.
"Would you like me to tell Thistleclaw to organize patrols today? I understand if you want to be alone for a while."
"Yes, thank you". I silently thanked StarClan for Frostfur's words had given me the chance I needed. With the duties of a deputy off my shoulders I was free to meet Oakheart, free to receive news of my kits.
I dipped my head to Frostfur as I padded out of the ThunderClan camp. My paws I carried myself swiftly towards the Sunning Rocks, and to Oakheart.
I skidded to a halt in front of the bracken-colored tom. Instead of the normal love and kindness, his eyes were filled with annoyance and detest.
"So you came", he meowed.
"Yes I did", I replied
"So ThunderClan's brave deputy still has time to ditch her duties to pad after her stupid RiverClan mate", his voice was full of menace as he meet my eyes with an awful glare.
"Oakheart! What's gotten in to you today!", I replied, my voice full of shock. "If you are going to act like an angry badger why did you ask me to meet you? Can you at least tell me how my kits are doing? I have been so worried you have no idea-"
"Well that's your problem isn't it?", he said cutting me off. "You chose to be loyal to your clan rather than be loyal to me and you must live with your choice. We are both being disloyal to our Clans being with each other. I will not let my kits grow up knowing they have connections in another Clan. They will grow up loyal warriors with out your help. We never should have been mates and now we will never be again"
I jumped back, startled by his harsh words. "No, I don't believe you. I love my kits just as much as you do. What ever happened to "I love you Bluefur" and "I will always care for you Bluefur" does any of that mean anything to you?"
"No Bluefur, and it never should have. Don't you get it? I have another mate.. A loyal RiverClan mate. You need to move on, I have no reason to come to your side and give you news of the little half-clan kits you gave up for your stupid ambition!"
"Oakheart", I said, my voice barely audible "You know it's not like that. You don't mean that. Please tell me you don't mean that. I couldn't have kept them. If Thistleclaw-"
"Thistleclaw is a loyal warrior something you will never be. Now leave me alone. I have to hunt for Graypool.
"Fine!", I yelled, tears pouring from my eyes. "Go hunt for your perfect little Graypool. You never loved me anyway! I hate you! I wish I never loved you!"
With that I turned and ran. I did not look back.