Sam had been ignoring her. She was stupid enough to end up in prison, but she was smart enough to realize when she was being ignored.
Her broad chest fell a bit as she realized that his behavior was perhaps in response to her own.
She thought she was doing the right thing when she "set him free." They had a special relationship that she perhaps sometimes took advantage of in order to get certain kitchen appliances or ingredients, but she truly cared about him. He knew that right? It wasn't fair to either of them, but especially to him. He had been through so much.
Red felt like she had done the right thing when she told him that there was no such thing as a consensual relationship between a guard and a prisoner, even if they were your special someone on the other side of the bars.
Pornstache was proof of that! But then Red realized that Pornstache at least was brave enough to fight for "his" girl, even if she wasn't really his in the first place.
Her conflicting emotions got the best of her and Red found herself, past lights out, leaning against a wall and standing in front of Healy's office door. A small gleam of light flickering beneath his doorway, beckoning her to take courageous steps if she wanted to save whatever kind of relationship she has with her friend.
She scanned the hallway. Left. Right. No one in sight. There was no where to go but forward.
He looked up from his desk and his eyes widened. He was clearly surprised to see her, especially past lights out.
"Red whatever you're here to fight about -"
She cut him off before she lost her courage and said "I'm not here to fight tonight, Sam."
He simply replied "Oh."
Her eyes took in his slumped body behind his desk. He looked tired, but she really was glad that she decided to see him. Now she just hoped she could find the courage to actually talk to him.
Before she could stop herself, the words "I missed you" flew out of her. She looked down as she felt her flush and get warm. She was sure that her cheeks matched her hair at this point.
"Red… You're not even going to look at me when you say that?"
Her eyes glanced up and she could see the confusion he felt written all over his face.
She took a deep breath to calm herself.
"Listen, Red, I don't know what you're doing here but it surely can't be worth you getting shots for being out of your bunk at this time of night. Hell! You could even end up in the SHU!" he exclaimed.
She finally found her confidence before saying, "It's funny. I didn't plan on seeing you or even talking to you today. Hell, even this week. I missed you is that so hard to believe? That I like talking to you? But who knows what you even think about all of this! You've been ignoring me."
His eyes flickered with anger at that accusation.
"What am I supposed to be doing, huh? You pretty much told me to back the hell off!"
Her anger got the best of her and she immediately replied, "Well, you're the one that said I was making more out of things! That I was imagining this!"
"There is no this!" he countered back.
Realization and sadness dawned upon her as her eyebrows furrowed. Perhaps it was all in her head. Maybe prison was getting to her and she was seeing things that weren't there. Fuck. No. She at least knew that her feeling were genuine. But if there was no "this," then that meant…
Oh. His feelings. She kept saying his feelings mattered too, but perhaps she overlooked them. Fuck. Not just overlooked. Created. Was she just an inmate to him?
She looked back down, afraid that her eyes would betray her. She gathered what little strength she had left in hopes of escaping his office with as much dignity as possible.
"Right, of course. I just wanted to get things squared away. You're right. I should really get going before they start checking the bunks."
She hadn't heard him get out of his desk chair or even walk towards her. She was startled when she felt fingers brush against her left and and even more surprised when she felt fingers raising her chin up. His touch left a fire itching under her skin, begging to be touched again.
"Galina. I don't know what to say. Please believe me when I say that. Anytime I say anything to you it somehow ends up falling short of what I want to say. Can you just look at me?" his eyes pleaded with her to be reasonable with him. He wasn't as accustomed to moving as quickly as she did. She recognized that he needed time to process things, but she needed time to heal.
"Healy, I hear and I see you. I know, I know! I'll do better. It's this whole lack of sleep thing because of Piscatella! It's driving me nuts!"
She tried untangling their fingers but he just gripped tighter.
"I'm sorry, Galina. Please at least believe that before I continue," he said with pleading eyes.
She gave him a slight nod before he continued. "I'm not sure what we are, but there sure is a "this." I'm sure of that. I shouldn't try to deny that when you were just trying to protect us, even if that means we can't be an "us" and it did hurt my feelings initially. I just… felt rejected. Again. But more importantly, I shouldn't just shut you down when you're trying to talk to me. What you say matters because you matter" he ended with a soft smile.
Her heart fluttered. She had often heard him apologize to others over the years, but never like this. Never this sincere. He was trying and she saw that, but her pride had already been hurt by his initial reaction to deny any sort of relationship between the two.
He couldn't be her play toy, even if her feelings were real. He deserves better after Katya, after her squashing the glimmer of hope that was in his eyes just a few days ago after Morello's wedding.
She had come into his office so sure that they would move forwards together, that they would talk, that they would find some common idea of what "this" even was, that they would figure out how to be together and in what sense.
But now? She just found herself trying to protect him again. Him or her? She would figure that out later.
Her eyes finally met his as she replied, "No, no. You were right. There is no "this." I let the sleep deprivation get the best of me."
She quickly turned before he could stop her. As she quietly closed his office door, she selfishly stole a glance at him in hopes of remembering the contours of his face for her dreams later.
He looked as confused as she felt.