Sally.
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It's been 20 years since I first met him. 20 years. I can still recall that day fresh in my mind. I remember being afraid of him at first. He was old, and he had a face that looked as though it might crack had he cracked a smile. I was shaking with nerves as he introduced himself to me, but as soon as he reached out his hand and clasped my own in his, I knew I had no problems. I knew he was nobody to be afraid of.
-
I hadn't imagined to still be close to him all these years later. In fact, back then, I wasn't even sure we'd still be here 20 years later. And yet here I am, running the caravan park I spent my life running around in. Back in the house my childhood memories were all tucked inside. Back where I belonged. It was like a fairytale really. I have 3 children I love more than anything in the world and a group of friends around me that I'd die for. He's one of them. Through all these years, he's been my rock. He's there when I'm celebrating, he's there when all I need is a cuddle and some reassurance. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worse. My best been times like the day I got married, or the day I took Ric and Cassie in and built a family. My worst times like the day I lost the man I loved. Days like today.
-
I know, deep down, that it was an accident. I know that there's no way in the world he would allow something like this to happen. And I know that, had he known it would happen, he'd have done everything in his power to prevent it. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it did happen. It doesn't change the fact that he made it happen. It also doesn't change the fact that I witnessed it happening. Right in front of me. I watched the man I trusted with my life as he almost caused the loss of the most important person in my world.
-
I hadn't set out that morning knowing what lay ahead that day. Instead, I'd gone about my usual routine. Certain I had nothing to fear. Certain he wouldn't do anything to harm us. Certain he wouldn't let me down.
I left the Diner still smiling as I heard him chat to my little girl. I heard their laughter echo from feet away, and I foolishly took that as a sign. A sign that told me it was OK. I didn't have to worry. I didn't need to fear anything.
-
I wasn't sure if I'd been seeing things at first. I mean, it wasn't just the fact that he was actually driving a car - something he wasn't allowed and swore to me he wouldn't do - It was also the fact that he was driving the car that was about to put my daughters life in danger.
I watched helplessly as my baby dropped her teddy on the floor. I began running as I saw the lights to the car illuminate - a sure sign it was about to reverse. I didn't reach them in time to stop it. And I watched in horror, the sound of the thud that would stay with me for the rest of my life. The sound of my whole world falling apart.
-
I rushed over, dropping the bags I had with me. Right now, I didn't care about anything. My purse and keys could be replaced. My babies life may not be able to. I collapsed beside her, unsure of whether I'd made that happen or whether it had happened on instinct. I heard muffles as people gasped in horror. I hard someone yell for an ambulance. But I wasn't listening properly. My whole world was there. Possibly about to be snatched away from me.
-
The hospital was crowded. It was the first time I realised how many people knew and loved her. Ric, Cassie, Martha, Leah, Dan and many more. All crowded in the corridors, looks of gloom shadowing their faces.
I heard the sound of footsteps edging towards us. I didn't need to glance up to know who it was. I felt anger seep through me as I snapped my head up. I listened as he spat some pathetic attempt at an excuse. I was sure I was hearing things. I mean, was he really standing in front of me and trying to make excuses for what he'd done?
I asked him bitterly why he'd done it. Why had he let something like this happen? Why was he trying to justify an action that was tearing me apart, knowing how much it hurt?
He said he hadn't seen her, as if that was enough to excuse the fact that he'd broken the promise he'd made in the first place. The promise he'd made and kept for over 20 years. Until now.
I was painfully aware of all eyes burned onto us as I stood up and screamed at him in a fit of rage. Wondering how the hell something like this had happened. How he'd let something like this happen. I could feel as Ric's arms held onto me, as if to stop me doing something I might regret. Something much like he'd done. I took a step back, feeling a small dose of relief at finally letting out the anger I'd held inside.
But even I couldn't deny how much it hurt to do that. How much it hurt to say those things and, for a split second, actually mean them.
-
I knew he wanted to talk to me. I knew he wanted me to listen. But i was certain there was nothing he had to say that I wanted to hear. No explanation was good enough and no excuse was bearable. This wasn't something I could just forget over night, like losing a key for a caravan, or ordering the wrong food from the diner. This was something that was going to change my whole life for the worse, no matter what the outcome.
I watched as he left the hospital, passive and overcome with... anger? hurt? hatred? I wasn't sure. For the first time in my life, I no longer knew Mr. Stewart. He was no longer the person I could read like a book. No longer the person I could trust. No longer the person I knew. In his place was someone I couldn't recognise. I could no longer see his smile and feel safe. No longer be wrapped in his embrace and feel loved. No longer know what he was thinking.
-
Even sat at Pippa's bedside, watching her breathing, seeing her gentle smile, I couldn't bring myself to forget. I couldn't let myself forgive. I'd been trapped in a sea of hurt, betrayal and anger and I wasn't sure if I could see a rescue in sight.
I was aware of the presence as people wondered in and out. Asking how she was. Kissing her forehead in the very spot I would kiss her. Stroking her arm that was wrapped in a bandage to secure a cannula in place. A cannula that in years to come would leave a small scar. A painful reminder of it.
-
I listened to pleas all night long. From Ric, Cassie... even Colleen. Telling me that there's no way Mr Stewart would have let this happen if he'd known. Telling me that he loved Pippa and I more than anything in this world. Telling me things I already knew.
Their words were spinning in my head. Sending me dizzy and making me feel terribly sick. I wanted to say they were right, to say I was over reacting. I wanted to be able to hug him and tell him everything would be OK. But how could I, when I didn't even know that myself?
I gently lay my head down on the mattress that carried my whole life. I closed my eyes, my hand still clasped around hers, just so she'd know I was there. I ran the movie of my life over in my mind. The happy times, the sad times. The highs. The lows. I tried not to let it get to me that, in every single one of those memories, he'd been there. Smiling down at me. Reassurance without actually saying anything.
I snapped my eyes open as I felt Pippa's body move. I saw a smile gently appear on her face as she noticed me. I couldn't say anything that would possibly describe how relieved I felt. Instead, i simply wrapped my arms around her and silently thanked god that she was safe. That the Black Cloud had been lifted.
I thought back to Mr Stewart, wondering how he'd feel when he heard she was safe. I knew he'd be glad, yet I knew he'd still punish himself. I wondered where he was. Whether he was outside somewhere, under a black cloud. I wanted to be the person responsible for the sun that would replace the cloud, but I wasn't sure I could be. I wasn't sure I could forget something like this. I wasn't sure I would be able to get over it.
-
I knew it was getting late, but I'd made it clear to the hospital staff that I wouldn't be leaving that night. That I would be there when she woke up and she needed me. Just like he'd promised me numerous times. I wondered if, like him, I would break that promise. Would I go for a coffee and not be there when she woke up? Would I be in the bathroom and not be the first person she saw. Is it really that easy to let down somebody you loved, without meaning to? To want to turn back time if it meant you could do that again, but properly.
-
Without realising what I was doing, I pulled a photo out of my purse. It was a few years old, faded and tearing at the edges slightly. But you could still see us. Sat beside one another, laughing like there wasn't a care in the world.
I tried to ignore the ache I felt staring at the picture, when a soft glow speed through the window, illuminating one half of the picture. The half that held the person I wanted more than anything to be here. The half that held the person I wanted to feel the embrace of. The half that told me, whilst my daughter lay, sleeping but smiling, that everything was going to be OK.