Chapter 1: Use Somebody

It was late September; the beginning of fall, and Meredith Grey watched the sun sink lower into the sky from the porch of their Victorian style home. The wind blew gently against her skin, making her feel as if though she were apart of the beautiful landscape in front of her. Derek made it so that the porch overlooked all of Seattle. Looking out at it now, she felt like she was in heaven – a god of sorts – looking down at the world.

She liked to sit here in the evenings. She, Derek and Noah used to sit here together, watching the sunset. It was peaceful. Noah would sit in her lap and Derek would hold her hand. But they hadn't done it in awhile, especially after the twins were born. It seemed as if she had forgotten how to relax, just enjoy life. It was work, soccer practice, school recitals, Halloween. It never ended. And she had forgotten to just live.

But today, she was doing exactly that – just living. She left work early and took the ferry home. She hadn't taken the ferry home in months. She usually took the long route. The boy's school was along that way. But, today, she had asked Izzie to pick up the boys. They would spend the night at her house tonight. So, today, she took the ferry. She loved the ferry. It was where Derek proposed to her. Apparently, he had planned some big thing, with roses, candles, dinner reservations, and musicians. But on their way there, he couldn't wait any longer. They were staring out at the water. It was one of those rare clear nights in Seattle. And he just asked. It was perfect.

She sat on the porch, staring off at the sunset, remembering that day, remembering their love. She loved him – through everything — she loved him. She made a mental note, reminding herself to tell him that more often. She didn't say it enough. She didn't do a lot of things enough.

It was a little after seven when he arrived, pulling up in the driveway in his old school Land Rover. He loved that car. He had it ever since she could remember. It was the car that first brought her to this land. That was the night Derek Shepherd first allowed her to have a glimpse into his life. That was the night that she had fallen in love with him, trailer and all. She made another mental note, reminding herself to remember that night as one of the best of her life.

Derek got out of his jeep and looked up at his house. He immediately spotted her sitting on the porch swing, looking out at the Seattle skyline. From there, he could tell that she was deep in thought about something, her captivating blue-green eyes, mysterious as they took in what was in front of her. She hadn't noticed – no, rather – hadn't acknowledged his arrival yet.

He slowly walked up to the house and onto the porch, not attaining even a glance from her. She had been distant lately – for the past month or so – and he didn't know why. He sighed, slumping his soldiers and putting his hands in his pockets, as he walked over to the swing.

"Hey," he said, making his presence known.

"Hi," she answered, not shifting her gaze from the landscape towards him. She couldn't yet.

Sighing, he sat down next to her. The silence was uncomfortable to him, the seconds turning into minutes with her barely acknowledging he was there. He missed her – her touch, her scent, the feeling of her heartbeat against his chest. She had been sleeping downstairs for the past week. He didn't understand why. They were fine. No, they were great. And then, gradually, she became distant.

He missed her.

Without even thinking, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, cradling her against his body and squeezing her in a tight hug as he kissed the top of her head. She winced, and immediately he could tell that he'd hurt her somehow, as he quickly softened his hold.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm fine," she breathed out, leaning her head against his chest, letting him know that it was okay for him to hold her. Her eyes were still fixed on the landscape. He could tell that she was thinking of a way to tell him something. Why she had been so distant, perhaps? Why she was sleeping downstairs? He was scared. Did she no longer love him?

He certainly didn't expect her to start the conversation as she did.

" Do you remember when I made you the house of candles?" she asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Of course," he smiled, his mind wondering back to that night. "It was one of the best nights of my life."

"Yeah," she sighed. "Me too."

The way she said it made him ache. It was as if she were remembering a better time – a time she wanted to go back to. He didn't understand. He thought they were happy.

"That was the night we planned this future together – the kids, the house, us…our future" he said encouragingly, trying to remind her that they were living their dream, their fairytale.

"Yeah," she chuckled, almost jeeringly. "The future."

Again, his body ached at her tone. What had he done wrong, he wondered.

In the darkening night, he could see her lower lip begin to tremble. He too, began to feel his throat start to constrict.

He turned her face towards him and looked her in the eyes, giving her a weak and hopeful smile.

"We…I mean…we still have a future together, right? We're okay, right?"

She stared up at him, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but she remained quiet, unable to give him the answer he wanted.

"Meredith, I love you," he stated pleadingly, as if he were begging her to stay with him. " I will always love you…no matter how you feel…if you don't love me anymore…I will always love you…forever, until we're old and gray."

At that, Meredith leaned her face into his chest and started sobbing. He quickly wrapped his arms around her, comforting her shaking body. He felt as if though she was going to break in his arms. She seemed so frail as she kept on crying for what seemed like a long time. He didn't know what to think. Was this her way of telling him that she felt the same way? Or, was this her way of telling him goodbye?

He stroked her hair as she seemed to calm down a little. Slowly, she pulled away from his chest and stared up into his blue eyes, tears still streaming down her face. He put his hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears with his thumb.

"I love you Derek," she said, leaning her face into his hand. "I love you so much."

She began to cry even harder as she said this. He began searching her eyes, searching for anything, any answer to what she was feeling, because he had no idea – he was confused and scared.

" So, we're…we're okay?" He asked, desperately, needing the answer to be yes.

It took her awhile to calm down enough to speak. But when she finally could, she looked up into his eyes and kissed him gently on the lips.

"No," she said defeated. "We're not okay…or…" She trailed off and looked to the sky, as if searching for answers. "I'm not okay."

"Why not?" he asked imploringly. "We can make this work Meredith…we can make this work…we promised each other forever…we'll love each other forever, right? Until we're old and gray? "

" I don't know Derek," she said through red and swollen eyes. " I love you right now…that I know…but I don't know about forever…I don't know if until we're old and gray."

"Why not?"

A sad smile crossed her face as she lifted her hand and touched his cheek.

"Because," she said softly. " I don't know how long forever is."

He didn't understand what she meant by that as he stared at her with wet and confusing eyes.

"I'm sick, Derek. I can't tell you forever because I don't know. I have cancer."