So I am kind of jumping from story to story…
I'm writing a, hopefully, better LOTR story
I don't own.
Enjoy!
By the way, the name of my main character, her first, middle, and last, are all Russian!
Anastasia's POV
This is not good, this is really, REALLY not good!
The snarling from the creepy zombie looking things behind me caused another screech to escape from my throat.
Okay, Anastasia, sing to yourself! That'll help!
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hand! If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! If you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!...I'm not happy!" I squealed, jumping over a tree root and then slipping on a patch of mud.
"Yeah, that was graceful! Shizz! I'm in the Matrix!" I gasped, picking myself up and wiped mud off my face.
Whipping my head back, I heard the gross things coming closer so I did what Jesus would do; I climbed under the little cave thingy the tree made and curled up in the fetal position. I held my breath and gnawed at my dirty fingernails until they passed me by.
Their black blood/mud caked bodies and boots hopped over my safe haven and started to run. But, because I'm oh so lucky, they slowed to a stop. The thing leading the other things snapped back around and sniffed the air. He had dread locks, black skin, beady black eyes, and a white hand print on his face.
Wow. Work it, bro!
"She's around here somewhere." He gurgled and spit flew from his wormy lips, "Search for her!"
Oh no, please don't do that…
One stepped right in front of me, causing me to gasp and scurry backwards.
Bad move.
He dropped down on his knees and reached his hideous hand out and grabbed my ankle.
The rest of the zombies roared in excitement and the leading zombie grabbed me by my hair.
"Ow! Hey, let go, you-you…what the hell are you?" I kicked and shouted.
They all gave a laugh and poked and probed me asking "what is it?" and "can we eat it?".
NO!
"Oh, you wouldn't like me…I'm a vegetarian so I'd only taste like salad. Sexy beasts like you don't eat salad, right? Honking men like you want meat! Grrr!" I said in my best 'man voice'.
They spoke amongst themselves for a moment, before one let out a scream and when I looked, I saw an arrow embedded in its chest.
Suddenly, a bunch of blonde ladies burst from the thick trees and shot arrow after arrow at the scattering zombies.
The one holding me flung a few feet away and took off at a dead sprint in the opposite direction, a handful of the girls running after them.
"Hahaha, biatch! Can't touch this!" I yelled after the biggest zombie who had pulled my hair.
My victory soon came to an end when one of the women-oh, oops, they were guys-gripped my arm and dragged me up.
One asked me something, but I didn't understand it because he said it Spanish, so I answered as best I could, "No habla Español…" wow, I am the whitest person alive. The way I said it…I might as well have a sign that reads 'White washed!' stapled on my shirt.
"Do you understand Westron?" they asked in a language I actually understood.
"Er, if 'Westron' is English…" I mumbled and twirled the ends of my hair, which I'm known to do whenever I'm nervous or extremely tired.
"The Common Tongue." Another said, clearly exasperated.
"Listen, all I know is you're speaking English right now. Earlier you were speaking Spanish. Call it whatever you want! English, Westron, or the Common Tongue, it's all the same to me! Except Spanish!" I snapped and spun on my heel to walk away.
Letting out a growl, the first Blondie grabbed my arm and dragged me to the center on the Circle of Friends he had going on with the other Blondes.
"You are not permitted to leave. You have entered the Golden Wood, now you must be taken to the Lady." And with that, he nudged me forward and someone tied a blindfold around my eyes.
"Lucky for you, we are only a day's walk from our destination. If we move quickly, we can make it to the Lady by nightfall. That is if Yrrch don't slow us down."
We walked a few paces before something dawned on me, "I have a bag with my stuff in it under those roots somewhere over there! Please let me take it!" a few murmurs in Spanish, someone sighing, and a blink of an eye later, I had my backpack slung over my shoulder.
"Someone check the bag. We don't know this girl and I don't trust humans like the elves from Imladris do." Leader Blondie snapped, "She could be a spy of Sauron. Or even an assassin."
Puh-leease!
"Oh yeah, dude, I'm such a huge threat. I mean, check out all of this just…huge muscles." I pointed to my pale, scrawny arms, "and check out this wicked sword." I motioned towards my hip that only had my jeans and a belt on it, "Oh wait, there isn't one!"
This got a few chuckled out of some of the people in the Blonde Squad, but the Chief Blonde just growled and grabbed my arm to lead me.
After they thoroughly searched me and clarified I wasn't a threat, we started out trek to god knows where.
Ten minutes.
We've been walking for ten minutes and already I'm bored out of my mind!
So, what do people do when they are bored and blindfolded? You guessed it!
"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe!" I continued on with the song until I realized I was the only one making noise. All of the other he-she's that were once speaking quietly to each other were silent.
"Oh that's embarrassing! How long have I been singing that? Pssh, Carly Rae Jespen sucks! I hate that song!"
There was a pause before someone said, "For someone who hates that song, she was very enthusiastic about singing it."
"Whoever said that, shut up!" I snapped and crossed my arms over my chest, "Rude! Didn't you're mother ever teach you not to tell secrets? Shame on you!" woah, this must be really funny from someone else's perspective. I mean, I'm 4'9" and I'm telling off a mountain of a dude. Plus, he has arrow, I just have…converse…and a belt.
"I would advise you not to speak that way to any of us." Some other guy said.
Ignoring him, I said, "So where exactly am I?"
"In the Golden Wood." The head honcho said.
"Is that somewhere in like, San Francisco? Or is it some exotic place in the Netherlands? Or in New Zealand?" I rambled.
"I don't know any of those places."
"Well I don't know this place."
"Lothlorien…"
"Loth-where-ian?" I stumbled over loose stones, but someone caught my shoulder to steady me.
"Lothlorien. That is the only explanation there is, other than Middle Earth." I heard him leap over something, and then I felt arms grip my waist and lift my skyward.
"I've never heard of Middle Earth."
"Where do you hail from? You're clothing is strange, you speak strange, you have strange markings on your skin, your eyelashes are abnormally long, there are black marks on your eyelids. And you have too many earring in your ears, there is an earring in your lip and one in your nose, when you were lifted up I saw a stranger earring in your stomach along with weird markings on your hips." He continued to rant about my abnormalities.
"I hail from Boston, Massachusetts on planet Earth. My clothes are normal to people there. The strange markings are tattoos-by the way, mine are small and dainty in comparison to some people-, my eyelashes are covered in mascara which make them slightly longer than normal, the black lines on my eyelids is eyeliner. I have three rings in each earlobe, and my cartilage pierced in my left ear and both tragus's. The earring in my lip is actually a lip ring and same goes for my nose being a nose ring and my bellybutton being a bellybutton ring. And there are tattoos on my hips and one on my back. But, again, all my tattoos are small." I let out a huge breath.
"Still, the only normal thing I've noticed about you is your hair and eyes." He said after a long while.
My hair is light brown with shades of darker and blonde natural highlights, it has naturally curly ringlets that go down a little above my hips and I have regular light brown eyes. Big whoop.
"And where is this 'Boston, Massachusetts from planet Earth', I've certainly never heard of it."
"Well I've never heard of Lothlorien/Golden Wood from Middle Earth." I shot back.
You know that feeling you get when you feel like you have to pee…and then you have to pee?
Yeah, that's me!
"Hey, can I take the blindfold off for a second?" I asked to no one in particular.
"No." said the ever recognizable voice of Captain Fair Hair.
"But it's important!" I pleaded.
"I said no."
"PLEASE!" I squealed.
"You are more persistent and disrespectful than a knee high elfling." He scolded.
What?
"Uhh I don't know what that means. But seriously, dude, take the blindfold off."
"No."
"I'll scream." I threatened.
"No."
"I'll bite."
"No."
"I'll cry."
"That's entertaining."
"Sadist. I'll kill myself."
"No one will stop you."
"Bitch. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll scream."
"You already said you'd do that."
"I meant it."
"Mhh, still no."
"I'll hate you forever."
"That's alright."
…
…
…
"No more threats?" he condescendingly asked.
"I'll spread rumors that you…are a woman."
"This company knows my very well. As do all who inhabit Lothlorien. I am not a woman."
"Whatever, ma'am."
I'm going to explode!
Son of a crap!
"Hey, hey you." I whispered.
"Yes?" he answered.
"Can you un-blindfold me now?"
"I am not going to dignify that with an answer." He said airily.
"You just answered me!"
Think of the desert, Anastasia, think of how dry and sandy it is!
Don't think of…waterfalls…
Oh man!
"Okay, okay, I'll say it. To hell with embarrassment! I really, really need to pee!" I said with an exaggerated sadness.
He sighed heavily and said, "Rumil, take her."
"What? No! He's a male! I'm a female!"
"So?" some other guy said.
"So, RAPE!" I shrieked.
There were a few light hearted laughs.
"I honestly doubt that Rumil will rape you." I heard.
"Are you implying that I am ugly?" I hissed.
"No, just that Rumil has honor and is a gentleman of an Elf." My best friend Lord L'Oreal said, "And he is my brother."
What's up with all these references to "Elves"? Santa has all of his working over time!
"Is he as joyfully pleasant as you?" I asked with as much sarcasm as I could muster.
"Fine. Rumil, don't take her." And he began to walk.
"No! Rumil, take her!" I yelled, doing the potty dance, "Or I could go right here."
I swear I've never been whisked away so quick. I would laugh, but I am so full of that Arizona tea I had a few hours back in REALITY that I can't.
"Don't look."
"Believe me, I won't."
"Promise!"
He shouted, "I promise, just go!"
"My, my, don't we have quite the temper?" I unbuckled my belt and dropped my skinny jeans to my knees and slowly tugged my underwear down.
"So I just do it in the…bushes?" I asked mainly myself.
"That is generally what we do on patrols such as this." Rumil said much kinder this time.
Well, it's now or never.
After being led back to where the rest of the gang was, I thanked Rumil and we resumed our march.
"Hey you, over there, the party's over here! We're number one, we've just begun and it is out cheer, it goes-."
"Hush!"
"Do you like waffles, yeah I like waffles, do you like French toast, yeah I like French toast, do do do do I don't know the rest do do do do, can't wait to get a mouth full of WAFFLES!"
"Be. Quiet."
"Narwhals, Narwhals, swimming in the ocean causing a commotion, 'cause they are so awesome! Narwhals, Narwhals, pretty big and pretty wide (white?) they'll beat a polar in a fight. Like an underwater unicorn, they've got a kick ass facial horn! Like the jedi's of the sea-."
"Silence!"
"When to the sessions of sweet silent thought, I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste: Then can I drown an eye, unus'd to flow, For precious friends hid in death's dateless night, And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, And moan th' expense of many a vanish'd sight; Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er, The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, Which I knew pay as if not paid before. But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, all losses are restor'd, and sorrows end."
"Beautiful. Stop speaking."
"I like big butts and I can not lie, You other brothers can't deny, That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, And a round thing in your face, You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough, 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed, Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring, Oh baby, I wanna get with you, And take your picture, My homeboys tried to warn me, But that butt you got makes me so horny, Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin, You say you wanna get in my Benz?, Well, use me, use me, 'Cause you ain't that average groupie, I've seen them dancin', To hell with romancin', She's sweat, wet ,Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette, I'm tired of magazines, Sayin' flat butts are the thing, Take the average black man and ask him that, She gotta pack much back, So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!), Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!), Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!),Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!"
"That was exceedingly disturbing. Please, stop."
"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me. The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable. You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
"I don't want to know, just kindly…shut up!"
"The rabbit's not like us. It has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret. I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy. Don't get me wrong. You know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy that you don't know who you are or why you're even alive. You just wanna have sex as many times as possible before you die. I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit, you know, who never even feared death to begin with."
…
…
…
"Really nothing to say to that? Huh. Not even a "Shush!"… That's interesting…"
"Ooh ooh ooh ooh, We can do this all night, Damn this love is skin tight, Baby come on, Ooh ooh ooh ooh, Pull me like a bass drum, Sparkin' up the rhythm, Baby, come on! Ooh ooh ooh ooh, Rock my world into the sunlight, Make this dream the best I've ever known, Dirty dancing in the moonlight, Take me down like I'm a domino, Every second is a highlight, When we touch don't ever let me go, Dirty dancing in the moonlight, Take me down like I'm a domino!"
"Gag her."
I'm not entirely sure how long we've been walking, thank you blindfold, but I know that it's around evening because the air is a lot cooler, and the thick clumps of mud that were still drying are cold and uncomfortable.
While I would ask-or rather complain-about stopping anytime soon, I can't, thanks to the gag that is SO annoying.
I mean, did he hate Jessie J that much?
The group had grown considerably seeing as the handful of Blonde's that chased down the zombies came back around Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back song I sang.
Dragging my legs to match the pace of my friend the leader, I accidently stepped on my own foot and fell forward, causing the company to stop and someone to help me up.
"I can see that the girl's tired, we'll travel for at least another hour and then make camp. I'm betting she hasn't eaten today, her stomach can wake the dead." Sir Sunshine head said all snooty like.
But, we did just that, we walked on for another hour, though it felt like years to me.
Pssh, Mr. Mann, you're P.E. class didn't help me at all!
A hand on my shoulder indicated that I should stop and I was ecstatic to oblige.
"Rumil, you're standing guard. I'll take the girl. Orophin, you and any others wanting to hunt, go and find pheasants or fish for her." I yelled into the gag.
Sighing, Buddy took it out, "Can I help you?"
"Yes! I don't eat meat! I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat in 8 months and if I start know, I'll get really sick and be in a lot of pain and tomorrow someone will have to carry me because if I walk I'll die!" I gasped, working my jaw to get it used to freedom again.
"Another thing strange about you. I was under the impression all mortals consumed meat."
"You're under the wrong impression then."
"Very well, she'll eat whatever you find for us. In addition to Lembas bread, that is."
Everyone was busy bustling around, or at least I think they were…god blindfolds suck.
I felt my head bob and knew that I wouldn't be able to stay awake much longer, so I shakily laid down on the fragrant mossy ground and slipped into a light sleep.
"Girl…"
Mmhhh go away!
"Girl…"
Really, dude?
"Girl…!"
"WHAT?!"
"We have your food." The random dude snapped and then hoisted me up and took me somewhere extremely warm.
Fire!
While I love my muddy Pokemon shirt and my damp, muddy skinny jeans, I would rather not be wearing them right now.
Thank the Force that I have extra clothes in my backpack.
All thoughts of clothes left my mind when the blindfold was removed.
Blinking several times and looking away from the bright flames, I shook my head and glanced at my surroundings.
Various pairs of silvery blue, green blue, bright blue and stormy blue eyes looked back into my light brown ones.
Various manes of silvery blonde, golden blonde and even a bright yellow blonde wisped around the pale complexions of the most beautiful men I've ever seen before in my vast 18 and a half years of living.
They were all tall and lean, but I had no doubt in my mind that they were strong as hell.
And, they didn't smell! I mean, usually men who travel together in the wilderness smell, right?
"Here." The familiar sound of my Blonde leader Buddy's voice filled my ears and I had to actually put my names to the face. Admittedly, I don't remember how he looked when we first met. That and I never got a look at any of them until now.
My eyes widened at the beauty my snappy friend held! Holy crabs!
"Er, thank you. Oh! And are you a model…because you look like one. You all do!" they all gave me confused looks.
I didn't know why, until I looked at their clothing. Legging, tunics, high boots, and cloaks…
"Talk about men in tights…" I grumbled under my breath.
That wasn't even the strangest part! The craziest part was their ears! They were pointed!
"I get it now! You guys are cosplaying!" I took a bite of this weird bread stuff…my mom needs to find this recipe…
"What is that?" one of the cosplayers asked.
"Man you guys are really good. Maybe you're not models…but rather actors. What movie are you guys practicing for?" I took another bite. Crap, this is good.
Popping grapes in my mouth, I looked up for a response, but instead I got them all looking at each other and speaking softly in Spanish to each other. There were looks of genuine confusion plastered on their perfect looking faces.
"Girl, we aren't "cosplayers" or "actors" or "models"…we're Elves. Guards of Lothlorien." I'm pretty sure that was Rumil, I recognize the voice.
"No, Elves don't exist." I laughed quietly and bit into pieces of dried fruits.
"Well we exist, don't we? You are speaking with us, are you not?" My friend asked.
"Yeah, but I bet this is a dream. Or a nightmare…I haven't decided that yet." I chewed more of the bread.
He glanced at the other and slowly stated, "What happened before the Orcs and Urak-hai chased you?"
"Huh, I don't even know! So I was hiking and I saw this, like, well from a million years ago. Uh, my dad and I had just gotten into this really big fight because he found out that I declined the offer that his 'dream for me' college had sent me. I wanted to go to Boston University. The fight had me shaken up so I was crying, and my tears fell into the well, which was filled with leaf covered water, but the weird part was I thought I heard someone calling for help. I called down and then this creepy voice started freaking out about his "Precious" I leaned over the edge of the well a little too far and saw my reflection in the water. I must have been hallucinating because I saw this crazy alien looking dude behind me. When I turned to look, I lost my footing and fell in." I paused to breath.
"I guess I hit my head on the fall because I don't remember hitting the water. I only remember waking up to find those zombies a few feet away eating a baby deer. I screamed at them to stop and that's when they noticed me. I ran from them because they charged me, then I tripped and fell in mud, hid under those roots, and then you know the rest."
An eerie silence followed my monologue, but my buddy broke it offering me water.
Thanking him, I slowly drank from the skin covered flask, and then said, "Oh, by the way, my name isn't 'girl', its Anastasia. I know it's a mouthful, so some people call me by my middle name, which is Lacey. Either one works for me."
"Those are unusual names. But I am not surprised, because you-,"
"Because I'm strange, blah, blah, blah. I know!" I sighed, flashing my friend a smile.
He huffed and said, "Well my name is-,"
"Rapist!" I inserted.
"No. It is-,"
"Pedophile!" a few Elves hid their laughs.
"Silence. It is Ha-,"
"Child…Molester!" I squealed when he grabbed at me.
"It's Haldir. I'm the March warden of Lorien."
"Oh! Cool name! Well allow me to fully introduce myself!" I hefted myself up and bowed slightly, "I am Anastasia Lacey Zhivanevskaya. Yeah, it's long and weird…but I'm Russian. I just don't speak with the weird accent I was born with."
"'Tis a very interesting name. Come, you should sleep, my plans of reaching the Lord and Lady this night did not seem to work. By afternoon tomorrow, we will be in the presence of-,"
"Greatness?" I asked, cocking a brow.
"Sure."
After much arguing, and me losing, I was tied to a tree and given a cloak for warmth.
I curled into the fetal position and replayed today's events.
I came to these conclusions: one, I'm far from home. Two, I miss my parents. Three, I met zomb-I mean Orcs and Urak-hair, and Elves today…and they were real.
Xxxxx
That was really fun writing!
I know this wasn't funny, but it will be soon enough!
I'm putting a link of Anastasia on my profile…I know, I know, you'll have to do a little extra if you want to see it.
Highlight it, search it, blah, blah, blah…deal!
OH! I DON'T OWN THE POEMS, QUOTES, OR SONGS I USED!
READ AND REVIEW! LOVE YOU!