Allllright people! You all know this is and therefore, everything on here is not owned by us writers. :( Therefore, a disclaimer is not needed.
Just to make things clear, this humorous fanfiction is based off the song "A Girl Worth Fighting For" from Disney's Mulan. If you haven't seen the movie recently or don't remember the song, you might want to check it out here:
http // www . youtube . com / watch ?v cSzFpGMmvVc
Just remove the spaces before you try! Up to you, though. I think it makes more sense when you know who's singing what. Also, there's a reference in here to Chien Po, who is the particularly portly soldier in the movie. :)
Enjoy!
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And so, the six God-Generals, plus one Van and one Ion continued on their long haul. Life was rough. What with the scorching sun, and deserts, and marshes… man, had they hated those, by the way… and mountains, and jungles, and forests, and caves, and oceans, and volcanoes, and Baticul… Yeah, I think you get the idea.
The point was obvious: it was tough. Walking, and walking, and walking. And Dist definitely didn't have his chair. If he did, the whole lot of them would surely be insisting on clinging to it – anything so they didn't have to walk.
Where was Dist's chair anyway? Well, that was a question to which no one had the answer. Perhaps he'd lost it, or had it broken? At any rate, it would forever remain a mystery. Forever. Bwahahahah.
Eeeee-aaaannnyways, Van was bored. Not that everyone else wasn't, but Van was definitely, definitely bored. No, nobody else there was quite as bored as Van. That in itself was pretty funny, considering Van was never weird and crazy like the rest of his subordinates, but…
…But wait. Was that even the truth? No, it couldn't be. Van had to be just as psychotic. Just as insane. Of course! I wouldn't have it any other way. Not to mention, the sun was probably starting to fry everyone's brains from the inside out anyway. …Is that even possible? Well, let's see, Mythbusters proved…
…that you can give a naked chicken a sunburn. Yeah, so their brains were definitely frying from the inside out.
Well, it was hot enough to make Largo start singing, so the heat must have been pretty damn bad.
At least, Largo's few words paired with a dejected groan sounded a little like a song. Amusing, eh? It could have been that the others were just delirious, but… You know what? Who cares! Largo was singing! SINGING!
"For a long time we've been marching off to battle…" he grunted, hoisting his scythe higher up on his back.Asch definitely agreed with that statement, and proceeded to add his own thought, complete with his own intense sarcasm; quite appropriate! Though, he was probably just mocking Largo because he thought he was singing… "In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle…"
Needless to say, Van was excited. In his ultra-super-terrible boredom, his companions were singing! He couldn't stay bored too long, not with this "beautiful" chorus going on all around him! And how badly he wanted to add a line of his own! He was a Melodist, after all; of course this was riveting! But even before he could, Dist was the next to respond. Er, complain.
"Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore…" Dist whined, and who could blame him? He always went everywhere in that godforsaken flying chair. He'd probably hardly walked a step in his life. How come he was so thin then? He'd probably end up fat, like Chien Po. …Wait, Chien Po? Who's that? I've never heard of a Chien Po! Hahahaha!
It was Van's cue! He could do anything he wanted now – add his own complaint, change the subject… and of course, a change was in order! So he ran up between Dist and Largo who were walking side by side… well, sort of, and threw his arms over their shoulders. Not an easy task, considering Largo was about three feet taller than anyone else. Except anyone shorter than 5' 7". He was definitely six feet taller than them.
Oh yeah, Van. We totally forgot he was about to sing himself. He probably resents that. Anyway, there he goes…
"Hey, think of instead, a girl worth fighting for!" Van belted out with a huge grin on his face. Almost everyone stopped short, inches from passing out at the moment and maybe, just maybe becoming dehydrated as a particularly gigantic sweat-drop appeared at their temples. Sync and Asch were comfortable not only with that, but additionally raising an eyebrow and glancing around to see if anyone, anyone at all thought that was acceptable…
Nope, didn't seem that way. In fact, Ion was compelled to ask him what the heck was going on, considering he was wondering if Van had gotten a little too much sun himself.
"Huh?"
Van could only continue to grin in that same cheesy way. "That's what I said! A girl worth fighting for!"
At this point, the girls in the party were definitely thoroughly annoyed with Van; not that it took them long. You would be, too.
"Excuse me, WE'RE women…" Legretta replied in a particularly irate voice, regarding herself and Arietta, of course. Now, granted, everyone knew not to mess with an angry Legretta. Everyone except Van, anyway.
"Well, maybe you are… the girls worth fighting for!"
Smack. Van got it right in the face, all right. A particularly attractive burning-red handprint on his face. Man, that would probably be swollen by the next day…
"EWWWW!!!" Arietta squealed. "I'm leaving!"
"Psh, me too. We'll go a different route, until you foolish men stop acting like swine." That stated, she and Arietta promptly left, Arietta clinging tightly to her stuffed …thing. Heck, any girl would run from Van when he was acting like that.
Normally, a few minutes would have passed in silence after something like that happening, but not today. Ion drew in a breath, and everyone cringed… except Sync, of course… because they'd figured out he was about to… sing. That's right, Van's song certainly wasn't over…Wait a moment. Why was everyone cringing? …Well, not even the best choir boys could compare with his terrifyingly adorable soprano voice.
"I want her paler than the moon, with eyes that shine like stars…" He clasped his hands together, glancing slightly upward, delving deep into his imagination. Oh no, too bad, Anise. At any rate, now Ion was stuck in happy-musical-note-thought-bubble mode.
Though Van wasn't far behind! His song hadn't fallen face down in the mud and drowned yet! "My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!" He flexed, trying to act tough. But everyone knew Van was just on steroids. That explained his crazy evil plan and how he was so easily contradicted. He just didn't have the brain tissue to make sense.
Even Largo had his own comment to make on a girl! Who would've thought? "I couldn't care less what she'll wear or what she looks like, it all depends on what she cooks like!"
Well, that was a bad thing to say. Everyone was starving… and they all got the same thought, groaning it in unison. "Beef, pork, chicken… Mmm…" Those poor starving important people, only serving to torture one another with such thoughts.
And then Van noticed that Sync and Asch didn't seem very keen on participating in his absolutely ingenious song. So he just went and picked on them. "Hey now, guys!" He clapped a hand on one shoulder of each, causing them to look back at him. "Something wrong with my song?"
Asch rolled his eyes as Sync pushed his hand off his shoulder. "Leave us the hell alone." The Fon Master replica growled, as Asch followed suit while Van was distracted with Sync. That crazy commandant.
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY SONG!? OR ARE YOU JUST GAY!?" Van suddenly shouted, which left everyone stunned. Asch just took advantage of the harsh blow and got himself out of the spotlight. Regardless of how inane and nonsensical the comment was, it definitely left Sync flustered.
"Wh-what?" He practically spit out. "I-I just don't think it makes any sense, I … I-I mean, how could you guys be thinking about girls at a time like this!?"
A moment of silence. Then Van just narrowed his eyes with the most screwed up evil grin. Ever. "You are gay."
Sync's jaw dropped. Then, he recovered quickly and efficiently by displacing Van's attention. "Nah-ah. He's gay." He pointed over to Asch, who'd been trying to hide… and now, had everyone's eyes on him instead.
Asch's eyes grew wide, and with the slightest hint of a blush coming on, he pointed his finger shakily at Van. "Ohhh no. Van's the one who's gay." And man, did he say that like he …knew.
Van's eyebrows furrowed, and he spat out a quick retort. "Then I guess Asch has no problem with everyone knowing how emo he is!"
Asch scoffed. "Psh, wanna talk about emo? Sync is emo!"
"Van's a druggie!" Sync suddenly cried out.
"Dist's a whore!" Van yelled.
"Largo's a stoner!" Dist pointed out delicately.
"Ion's a hermaphrodite!" Largo roared.
"Th-then that makes Sync one too!" Ion timidly squeaked.
"SHUT UP!" Mohs screamed in an unusually feminine voice above all of them. "YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF RETARDS!"
Wait, where the hell did Mohs come from? Oh well, he did stop that pointless, yet amusing argument.
Only silence for a while. And then it began. Again.
Van moved over to Asch surreptitiously, and leaned down close to his ear. "Bet the local girls thought you were quite the charmer…"
Asch socked him in the face. Hard. And Van went down.
Largo caught on and moved up next to Sync. "And I'll bet the ladies love a man in armor!" He roughly clapped his hand down on Sync's shoulder, causing the poor slim-built boy to collapse under his massive hand. Largo arched an eyebrow, trying to whistle and move off, while Sync could only lay on the ground, twitching and muttering, "It's a mask, damn it!"
By now Largo had picked Van up off the ground despite his black eye and a couple teeth missing, and even as he stood shakily, he put his arm over Largo's shoulder and the two of them continued on singing.
"You can guess what we have missed the most since we went off to war! What do we want? A girl worth fighting for!"
Now, they both looked at Asch and Sync expectantly. Apparently they'd been waiting all this time for them to add their own lines to the song! Probably because they'd seemed so annoyed by it in the first place.
"C'mon…" Van urged.
Asch rolled his eyes, and shrugged, not unlike Jade. "My girl will think I have no faults, that I'm a major find…" Van and Largo nodded, pleased.
Sync sat up, putting his hand to his head, mouth twisted into a frustrated snarl. His line, of course, had more purpose in cutting Van down. "How 'bout a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?"
"…Naaahhhh!" Largo and Van disagreed, in unison, gesturing to Dist for his addition to the song.
Dist clasped his hands together, then made an odd gesture. It must have been professional and distinguished in some weird culture. "My manly ways and turn of phrase are sure to thrill her…"
Van leaned down to whisper in Sync's ear, partially to make up for picking on him. "He thinks he's such a lady killer…" Sync couldn't help but burst out laughing at that. And of course, Dist promptly threw Barrelow XI at Van's head, giving him a serious concussion.
Now… wait, what was left to say? Everyone had said their lines. What now? …Wait. Mohs. He'd come out of nowhere, and …who knew why he wanted to contribute, but …there he went.
"I've a girl back home who's unlike any other!" Everyone just looked at him like he was an idiot. How the hell could Mohs even have a girl?
Largo had a good enough reason for that, of course! "Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother!" Van snickered, a little more loopy from his concussion.
Following Dist's example, Mohs somehow produced the entire freaking Seventh Fonstone (That's right, the mountain-sized one) and prepared to throw it, but he certainly failed as, absolutely suddenly, he collapsed under the massive weight of… the great impossible-ness of this occurring at all! That made everyone a little bit happier.
Of course, that only left the two heat-stricken freaks of their group to Riverdance to their song. "But when we come home in victory, they'll line up at the door! What do we want? A girl worth fighting for! Wish that I had a girl worth fighting for! A girl worth fighting…"
Click.
They turned around, eyes wide to see Legretta aiming her guns, one at Van's head and one at Largo's.
"Shut the hell up."
Largo cowered as Van hung his head. "Yes ma'am…" they murmured together.