Frelling Feelings
John/Aeryn, angst and romance, UST.
Disclaimer: I do not own Farscape but if I it the Powerball Jackpot I plan on financing a movie.
Spoilers: Post- ep for PK Tech Girl, also spoilers for The Way We Weren't. This fic also dovetails with my earlier fic, Irreversibly Contaminated, but you need not read it to follow this fic.
Rating: PG-13 for some suggestive language.
Please review, I beg you. I am relatively new to Farscape fiction.
Aeryn hated frelling emotions. Today had been hard, too many emotions. It was always that way, when they surfaced they did so like a tidal wave, always overwhelming her. And the frelling human wanted to talk about them. And, although she would never in a million cycles admit it to him, talking about not being able to return to the Peacekeepers had helped. She sometimes forgot that he was in a similar situation. He reminded her that even if he were able to return to Earth there were no guarantees that those he cared about would be safe and sound. Yes, talking had helped, but to whom was she supposed to talk about her other problem?
Aeryn entered the refresher on level five, she had chosen to come up to level five because everyone was elsewhere. She had left John in command. D'Argo was working out with his qualta blade, keeping his muscles supple and strong. Zhaan was working on something in her lab. Rygel was, of course, in the mess hall eating their remaining food cubes, and dealing with his own emotions. Except for the occasional DRD, level five was vacant. Aeryn had left her commlink in her room, breaking rule one of her Peacekeeper training (always maintain contact with the unit), but she did not want to be interrupted. The refresher was equipped with a toilet, a sink, a shower, a small shelf, and a bench in the center of the room. Nothing luxurious, afterall, Moya had served as a prison ship. Aeryn sat on the bench, and began removing her boots and socks. The encounter with John and Gilina aboard the Zelbinion replayed in her head. Why the frell should she care who he recreated with? So what if he didn't find her interesting. Maybe he preferred blondes, most Sebacean men did, big deal!
Aeryn had dealt with envy before. When her friend Merla had won the promotion that Aeryn had coveted, Aeryn couldn't look at her friend for a month. Envy, Aeryn knew all too well. Jealousy, well, that was something new. Aeryn jolted from the bench and began furiously stripping off her clothes. "Stupid, Aeryn!" she spat as she flung the jumpsuit across the room and ripped her shirt from her body. Aeryn knew that even if he were interested in her, like she had thought he had been a time or two, they would never be able to act on it. It was too dangerous for the entire crew but most importantly it was dangerous for him. He let his emotions rule him far too often. If they were to grow close, he might make mistakes that would cost him his life. No! It was better for him if they never went down that space lane. Besides, he was going to find a way to go back to Earth and she couldn't go with him. Humans were virtually earthbound and had never encountered alien life. Her fate on Earth would be no better than his on Crais' command carrier would have been. Different worlds, best just to put it out of her head. Aeryn looked at the mess she had made in the refresher. Clothes were strewn all over the place. She chided herself on letting her frelling fellings get the better of her. Aeryn neatly folded the clothes and placed them on the shelf. She stripped out of her bra and slid John's boxers off her hips and down her long, toned legs. She had snatched them the first night aboard Moya, she enjoyed having the scent of him on her body. It was a personal indulgence but she told herself it was harmless. The others did not know the pleasure she found in wearing them. She should probably return them. She had since been able to acquire underwear of her own. She placed the boxers on the shelf with her other clothes. She touched them gently, fingering the band with the foreign lettering. She closed her eyes and imagined she was caressing his perfect, pink lips.
"Frell, Frell, Frell," she muttered as she padded over to the shower and set the spray for intense and the temperature to warm. The tepid water streamed down her back as Aeryn stretched her neck from side to side loosening the tense muscles. She arched her neck backward, forcing her head into the spray and sighed at the pressure of the water beating her scalp. She worked the water through her thick dark hair. She wondered what it would feel like to have John run his fingers through her long tresses. "Yotz! Get a grip, Aeryn!" She reached for the shampoo bottle, poured some of the green liquid into her palm and began to work up a good lather. Maybe she should leave Moya. Seeing John with Gilina had hurt in a way she could never have expected. He certainly didn't owe her anything. She had only pushed him away. Still, if he were going to recreate with a Sebacean she damn sure wanted it to be her. She had wondered if he would even be interested in sex with a Sebacean. Afterall, they were different species. Humans would likely frown on such a notion as sex with aliens as much as Peacekeepers did. Yet, there he was lip-locked with Gilina. And he was so gentle, she noticed how he had tenderly held Gilina in his arms and gingerly cradled her neck as he kissed her. Aeryn knew she would come unglued if he touched her in such a manner. The majority of her romps had been fast and furious. She rarely had taken time to explore her lover's body, to let him explore her. Velorek had been the exception and the sex had been much more enjoyable, much more intimate. And therein lay the root of the problem. She knew that what she wanted from John was not the quick rough and tumble that she had shared with her previous shipmates. No, she wanted to know him in a way she had not really known a man. She wanted to make love to him. She had lied when she said that her interest in him had wavered and had only lasted for a moment. Why had he chased her down that frelling corridor anyway? He couldn't leave well enough alone! He always mucked things up, made her say things she had no business voicing out loud. What had he meant about even ground anyway? Was that his way of saying that he had been interested in her? Aeryn rinsed out the shampoo and began to work the conditioner into her hair. What if he were interested in her? They couldn't act on it! Frell! Now she was repeating her internal monologue. Maybe she should just frell him and get over it. Or maybe, she could play it his way. Maybe she should go to him and talk to him about what she was feeling, all these strange and mixed-up emotions. Maybe they could act on it, maybe. He certainly trusted her to have his back, he had confidence in her abilities. If he knew she was a capable warrior then maybe he wouldn't feel compelled to protect her at a cost to his own safety or the well-being of the crew. If he could promise that, then maybe they could be more than just shipmates.
Aeryn grabbed a towel from the shelf and vigorously towel dried her hair. She would talk to John. He always wanted to talk, well now he was about to get an earful. She wanted him to touch her like he had Gilina. She wanted to be the attention of his tender caresses. She wanted to feel him on top of her, moving in her. She wanted to explore his muscled frame, lick his delicate spots. She wanted to spend hours memorizing what brought him pleasure. She longed to lie in his arms afterward and listen to his beautiful voice tell her stories about the Earth he pined for. Aeryn hurriedly pulled his boxers and her bra on. She threw on the fresh tee that she had brought and headed out of the refresher leaving the rest of her stuff behind. She was going to go him, lay herself bare and see what happened.
He wasn't in command, so Aeryn jogged down the hallway toward his cell. She stopped short when she heard him say, "Dad." He was talking into his little recorder again. She knew it was wrong to eavesdrop but she didn't want to interrupt him and she really wanted to talk to him about her frelling feelings.
"There is this Peacekeeper girl, Dad, and I can't explain it. I know she is an alien but I have feelings for her. I hope you get to meet her. She is so beautiful. . ."
Aeryn could not stand to hear anymore. John was telling his father about Gilina. Aeryn turned and headed back to the refresher to retrieve the remainder of her clothes. She reminded herself that it was for the best. She would no doubt continue to have sexual fantasies about the strange human but she swore to herself that she would quell any stronger emotions. No more thoughts about pillow talk and romantic promises. She would return his underwear in the morning, no need to hold on to something she could never have.
"Dad, I am trying hard to sort things out here," John continued after Aeryn had left, "She's willful and stubborn. One minute she is cold and shut off and the next minute she is open and vulnerable. I think I could love this woman, Aeryn. I just don't think she will let me."
John shut the recorder off and thought about the day's events. If he had known that Aeryn was interested, he would not have entertained a relationship with Gilina. Just his luck, Sebacean women were more complicated than human ones!