Title : All that matters…

Author : Jaggie 107

Disclaimer : JAG characters belong to DPB, CBS and Paramount. I hope all parties will allow me to have fun for a little while, and replace them all when I'm done. Thank you.

Rating : G to PG-13 (Just in case!)

Spoilers : None specific, but set in current series, and covering previous events.

Mac's POV – This is my first fanfic written this way, but the idea came to me and the words just poured out. Hope it makes sense somehow!

I'm doing it again.

Pushing him away.

God, I hate myself.

We were so close to something at Christmas, when he came to find me in the hospital. By the sheer virtue of a paramedic checking out my ID, and my constant repetition of his name, the clever man put two and two together and rang Harm's cell phone number.

And now?

First it was Alicia Montes. The dinner at the restaurant. The dinner at his apartment.

Then it was Inez Elgin, Jordan's friend. Jordan's dead, and she still has a way of re-entering my life. His life.

He invited me to join them! Of course I declined. What did he expect? That I was so starved of company that I'd jump at the opportunity to be near him? Fat chance, flyboy! But that didn't stop the tears later, when I was alone, back in my apartment. Tears of frustration, anger, and loss. Only problem was, I was the one who'd pushed him to this stage in the game, so how could I blame him?

In between, I'm sure, there was someone else. When Harm went to California to investigate a case, he came back with a puzzled look in his eyes, and when the painting arrived a few days later, signed by a woman, I knew at the very least that he'd met someone, but I didn't know how much she had come to mean to him.

I know it was such a short time to get to know someone, but then again, I did fall for him straight away. In the Rose Garden at the White House.

I've been writing on a jotter, and I look down at my efforts. Names. Two lists. His and mine. The people that have affected our lives.

For Harm, there's Kate Pike, Meg Austin, Keeter, Sturgis, Diane…I stop at that name, remembering how much she and I resembled each other. How much it hurt him, and how determined he was to find her killer. Annie, and her son, Josh, and Luke Pendry – husband and father. Killed in an air crash that was proved not to be pilot error. Annie was so pathetically grateful to Harm that eventually she let him into her bed too. Then she threw him out. It was too much for her. She was too much of a coward to let him stay. The fact that he did go against her wishes didn't help his case, but if she hadn't been so hung up on wanting to get as far away as possible from all things Navy, and to keep her son away from it too, then she might have cut Harm some slack, and now they'd be the perfect little family. Probably with more kids.

I pause again and look at my side of the page, my list. My father. Uncle Matt. Chris, who thought he could come back into my life and it would all be as before. I'd long moved on by then, and Chris was just a reminder of my horrid past. My lost childhood. My alcoholism. I loved him at the time, or so I thought. Most times I was so deep in a bottle of booze I didn't know or care. There was Dalton Lowne, Mark Falcon, Mic Brumby, and of course, the man who was my first mentor in the Marines, John Farrow. AJ Chegwidden is there too. We almost kissed, once. Almost crossed the line. But common sense struck, and we stepped aside. From then he treated me almost like another daughter. He loved me, I know that, and I also know we made the right choice not to take our feelings further that night, or any other night. Then there was Webb. I let myself believe I was in love with him too. I let myself believe he loved me in return. But I was so wrong on both counts.

I go back to Harm's list. There's Jordan, and Theresa Coulter. There's Bobbi Latham. I smile as I think of how many men have had to measure up to Harmon Rabb, literally and figuratively, before they've got to first base with their women. I'm no different. While I haven't seen Harm in the flesh, so to speak, I know from personal experience that every man that has crossed my path since I met Harm has had a struggle to match up to the man.

Why am I doing this to myself? I have no answers. Hell, I don't even understand the question!

I go back to my list and run through the names written there. That's it. That's all of them. Except for the most important one. Harm. Harmon Rabb, Junior. If I'm totally honest with myself, there should be one other name there too. That of his father – Harmon Rabb, Senior. The man whom Harm was searching for most of his adult life. I helped him find answers. I like to think I helped him come to terms with his loss once he knew the truth. I helped him find the truth as his friend. His best friend. I know the truth too. I helped him because I loved him. Correction. Love him.

I remember telling Sturgis that I am in love with Harm, and that has never changed.

God, I'm so tired. I lay the jotter down, but I'm still holding the pen, and my mind still has one name to add, on his side. Well, maybe two, or three…

Renee – Video Princess extraordinaire. How Harm ever came to fall for her I don't know. But I didn't give him any reason not to. I was involved with Mic at the time. Then there's his mother, and Mattie. I have no reason to fear them, or their place in his life. They are in their rightful places in his heart, and I wouldn't expect anything less of him. But then a wife has a rightful place in her husband's heart too, and Catherine Gale, whether legally or not, married Harmon Rabb Junior. My world caved in when I was told about that, and even though I joked with him about it, inside I was dying, wondering if it really had meant so much to him. He said he'd done it to find me, as well as helping Catherine and her mother, and if wasn't for Webb and Gunny turning up in our suite at the very moment we were about to kiss…

I look at our separate lists, and realize one thing. There are far more names on Harm's side than on mine, and I probably could add more. Harriet, for one, and Jennifer Coates for another. It isn't that he has been intimately involved with everyone on the list, but there is the one undeniable factor, that whenever a woman meets him, Harm affects their lives. He just can't help it. That's the way he is. With his stature, his looks, his talents, and his simple ethics of truth and justice, women just fall for him. Old and young.

I smile softly, through the tears that fall. I fell for him too.

If only it wasn't too late to make it all right. If I could stop pushing, and maybe start pulling instead?

There's a knock at the door and I get to my feet. Even before I check, I know it's him. He once said he always knew where I was, and the same goes for me. I always know where he is.

"Hello, Harm. Come on in." I hold the door back and welcome him, and he gives me a soft smile. Not his usual smile that can make a woman's heart flip, and her knees weaken – and I'm no exception, although I can hide my reaction better – but a gentle, almost vulnerable smile. He's unsure. But he's here. And that's all that matters…