What have I done? I rejected my family for my work, and now look where it has gotten us: Elsa and I lost our Son; our daughter lost a Brother... I should have just been sent to the front line, at least then Bruno would still have been safe. Even if I had died, my family would still have been intact. They would have got by without me, with their Grandparents. The words keep going over and over in my head, 'you caused the death of your Son.' If i hadn't been so keen to be promoted, we wouldn't have had to move away. We could have stayed at home. Bruno wouldn't have seen the 'farm' and been so keen to try it out; he would have had his old friends. I should have listened to my Mother. And look, she too has been taken from me. Again, it is my fault.
I need to be rid of this emotional pain. It's becoming too much. All the regret, the despair. The hatred in my wife and daughter's eyes as the look at me.
What would have happened if Kotler had stayed? Would he have noticed Bruno frequently escaping through the window at the back? Again, I acted without thinking; getting rid of him. But then, if I hadn't been so wrapped up in the work, I would have been able to notice my own Son's disappearance. How long must it have taken him to dig that hole? All the while I was sitting in an office, doing the Hitler's dirty work, whilst Bruno was taking food to the friend he had made.
Oh, scrap that other thought; having Kotler back would have been a waste of time. He didn't even bother to tell me that the Jew boy had claimed to be friends with my Son. We could have sent the Jew elsewhere. That would have been easy. We wouldn't have had to do anything more. And then, if Elsa hadn't been so hasty to move back home, Bruno wouldn't have rushed ahead and gone to the other side of the fence. If only. But no, I can't blame her. The fault lies with me. All of it.
And here is where I sign off, for I am going to my trial.
I hope I'm sentenced to death.
R