Legal Eagles
by NS
Disclaimer: I have NOTHING against people who write romantic fics. Except people who write really, really, REALLY hentai lemon fics, and here they get their due. I have written romantic fics myself, along with my best friend, whose marvelous site this happens to be. So, I have no major grudge against sappy writers...I just think that by now, the AMs MIGHT. Enjoy!
It was a sweet spring evening, with a moon hanging in the sky that tinted the world below a translucent silver. It was a night meant for love.
Duh...
* * *
The door to the crepe-paper adorned cafeteria opened, and one by one, the Animorphs entered the school dance, already in progress.
Cassie and Jake, along with Rachel and Tobias, walked to the dance floor like doomed souls to execution.
"One...two...three..." sarcastically stage-whispered Jake.
As he reached the third numeral, songs by N*Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees blasted out of the cheap school speakers.
The SAME school speaker.
The couples on the dance floor broke apart and looked at each other, completely confused.
"What the..."
"D@mn faulty wiring!" yelled Chapman. The music ground to a stop, whined excruciatingly, and then started up again, playing one of the above mentioned artists.
No one could tell which artist it was-- or even which song it was. But, that wasn't unusual, and besides, music wasn't crucial for the activities on the dance floor.
Out on the dance floor, Tobias and Rachel looked deep into the other's eyes, as "It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to / ...fire, my one desire / ...that God must have spent a little more / ...that way!" played over the sound system.
"Gee, Rachel, I love you more than anything in the world," droned Tobias, in bored, Daria-worthy monotone.
"Yeah, Tobias, I'll love you forever," answered Rachel, in a carbon copy of Tobias's inflection and emphasis.
They leaned forward and kissed, each counting off five seconds on their free hands, and then broke away. Rachel folded her arms in a show of defiance, and Tobias seemed to glare into thin air, as if in anticipation of something.
The anticipation wasn't wasted.
All around them, time seemed to freeze, and a Booming Voice (tm) was heard in every Animorph's ear.
WHAT THE HELL WAS *THAT*?
"That was our declaration of independence," said Cassie, walking over to join Rach and Tobias.
Jake followed her. "Yeah, we're tired of these mushy fics."
"The ones where a third of the groups isn't even included," added Rachel.
< Any freakin' way! > agreed Ax, trotting over.
AX, WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR HUMAN FORM?!
"Ooohhh, the "voice" sounds panicked," Tobias mocked.
I AM *NOT* PANICKED. I'M JUST WONDERING AT THE LOGIC OF SHOWING CHAPMAN WHAT YOU REALLY ARE!!
"That's our entire point, "said Jake, "in mushy fics, no one even NOTICES the most glaring plotholes and screw-ups. Security that a two-year old could penetrate!"
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LOVE STORY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S GOOD FOR TEENAGE RATINGS!
"Ever had to act in one?" said Rachel bitterly.
Cassie jumped into the fray. "We've been killed, resurrected, screwed, (figuratively) screwed (literally), tortured to death, infested, uninfested, and impregnated!"
Everyone stared at her.
"Well, on the last part, at least two of us have," she said, realizing the probability of that happening for some of the team members.
"Cassie!" hissed Tobias. "Don't give them ideas!"
"Sorry!"
"Anyway, enough is enough is enough," said Jake.
Rachel spoke up again. "Look. We don't mean to stifle your creativity, but, in the fic world, I've had children by Tobias, Marco, and even JAKE!
"And, Ax is getting jealous," interjected Tobias.
< /"Shut the *bleep* up, Tobias," > Rachel and Ax said, simultaneously.
Jake looked around cautiously. "Speaking of lame jokes-"
"Hey!"
"-where's Marco?"
< He's over in the corner looking through a pile of papers. Says he'll be done in a bit, > replied Ax.
"Anyway, to wrap things up, we're tired of unrealistic, pointless, bizarre, and hentai pieces of fiction," said Cassie.
SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE-
"D@mnit!" yelled Jake, who had just gotten his DubbleBubble to form the perfect sticky pink sphere, which was approximately the size of his head. "Now I have gum in my hair!"
-BUT, NO DICE. YOU GUYS ARE ONLY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
< So?! > demanded Ax.
"...Anyone have any peanut butter?" asked Cassie, looking dubiously at the gooey pink mess that was Jake's hair.
SO, YOU'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE NO RIGHTS IN THE REAL WORLD.
"Not true," said a new voice, joining the conversation. "I've been reviewing our contacts, and-"
"WE HAVE CONTRACTS?!" shouted everyone, although in some cases, it was < WE HAVE CONTACTS?! >.
OH, SH- started the...the...
"WTF are you, anyway?" asked Marco, looking up from his legal documents.
The voice seemed to fidget a few seconds before answering.
I'M THE COMBINED SPIRIT OF ALL FANFIC WRITERS.
The Animorphs paused for a few seconds as they thought this over.
"Dude," said Tobias finally, "how is that even possible?"
IT'S KINDA LIKE A FROLIS MANEUVER.
< Only with minds? >
"I have to see this," said Rachel. She stepped forward and yelled, "SHOW THYSELF, SPIRIT!"
COME AGAIN?
"We studied the Salem witch trials in school this year. Anyway, give us a figure that we can yell at!"
The Voice gave a long sigh and a humanoid figure appeared. It was of medium height, blondish-brown hair, and gray eyes-- a perfect blend between every extreme. It appeared to be very feminine in every way, except for it's biceps, which were worthy of a WWF ring.
"Um, what's with the buff bod?" asked Jake, who was still picking stringy bits of bubblegum from his mane.
She...he...it...looked at their muscles and sighed. 'This form is always SLIGHTLY different," it muttered to itself. "These muscles represent the .001 percent of guys that write hentai AniFiction," it explained to us.
"Hey," piped up Marco, "Isn't that AniBl-"
"SHH!" shushed the AM's.
"No name policy, " reminded Cassie.
"Oh. Yeah. D@mn."
< How should we address you? > asked Ax.
The being thought for a moment. "I'm going to plagarize the most famous love story ever-- call me Scarlett!"
Rachel stuck her finger down her throat. "Gag me."
"Hey!"
Tobias eyed the being. "Can we call you 'Scar' for short?"
Marco cleared his throat. "Doesn't anyone care about the details of our contract?"
"I, for one, am *very* interested," said Scarlett, pulling up a folding chair and sitting primly on it.
"Asterisks," moaned Tobias. "You know that they're fic writers when they start using asterisks..."
"And what is wrong with asterisks?"
"Nothing-- in moderation, " said Jake.
"Can we just get ON with this freaking contract?" yelled Cassie.
Marco raised an eyebrow. "Go Cassie..."
Cassie continued on in a fake-sweet tone. "I don't know why I'm so grumpy lately..." Her tone morphed to murderous. "...maybe it's MORNING SICKNESS," she said, with a look that could kill at Scarlett.
With a look around the room, Marco started. "The clauses in our contract are as follows:
I: No humorous scenes with Ax in Victoria's Secret.
II: No making Britney Spears an Animorph-- even an honorary one.
III: No stories where Visser One and Visser Three fall in love and move to Tibet to "re-discover themselves."
IV: No one may, at any time, utter the words, "I'm flying, Jake, I'm flying!" no matter WHAT the temptation.
And, finally--
V: No fics relying on the use of Fig Newtons as a major plot point."
There was a LONG silence.
"No clauses against suicide?"
"Or graphic detail?"
"Or hawk barbecue?"
"Or two sets of twins?"
< Or pop lyrics? >
"Or incest? I mean, there's gotta be an incest clause!"
Marco shrugged. "Sorry, guys. That's what it says. I can only see one loophole..."
Everyone pressed closer. "Yeeessssss?"
"Well, Fig Newtons bill themselves as 'fruit and cake'. And, Rachel, if you remember that one story with strawberries and-- oooof!"
The "ooof!" was was Rachel's elbow in his stomach. "We don't TALK about that one, REMEMBER?" she hissed.
Marco managed to nod weakly. "Yeah. Yeah, I remember now."
Scarlett smiled triumphantly. "See? No clause. You're completely at our mercy." She laughed.
A freak bolt of lightning struck outside, and the room glowed blue-white as Scarlett's giggles, poised on the edge of insanity, fell off and turned into maniacal cackles.
"HEEHEEHEE! We'll write about you, my pretty, and your little hawk, too!"
The weather returned to normal, and the entire corps de Animorph gave Scarlett a weird look.
"Sorry...ruby slippers fetish. I'm undergoing treatment."
Ax blinked all four eyes. < I am afraid that I do not quite understand, Prince Jake. >
Jake shook his head, never taking his eyes off of Scarlett. "Neither do we, Ax, neither do we."
Scarlett glared. "My personal problems aside, the fact remains that you are fictional characters, in a fictional world. By the words of your own contract, you're subject to our fanfic whims." She sighed contentedly. "I *LOVE* happy endings!"
"Wait," interjected Marco. "So...you're saying that we're fictional characters. We, our history, and all that lies around us is not real and therefore, open to mutation. In YOUR world, we don't really exist, and have no rights not outlined in our contract?"
Scarlett nodded. "Uh-huh."
Marco pulled out a legal document. "Will you sign this affidavit saying that the above statement reflects your views of the world as you know it, and, to the best of your knowledge, it is true?"
Rachel interrupted before Scarlett could answer. "Marco, what the hell are you doing? Exactly when did you graduate from Harvard?"
"I don't know, but I'm willing to bet that a fic's forthcoming," Marco answered mildly. "Scarlett?"
Rach wasn't done. "Marco, you're signing away our rights to existence!"
Marco turned so that Scarlett couldn't see him, and gave a HUGE, over-exaggerated wink. "Rachel, why make it harder on ourselves? They'll win, anyway." He then mouthed the words, "Trust me."
Rachel gave him a strange look, but subsided.
"Scarlett, will you sign this?" He held the document out.
She took the affidavit, and scanned it over twice, the suspicious look never leaving her countenance.
"Well, everything *seems* to be in order..."
Marco pulled the final weapon from his pocket. "Look, Scarlett-- it writes in purple ink!"
"Oooh! Okay, I'll sign!"
Jake could predict Cassie sigh down to the last second. "Hmphahmphing purple mnmnmhmna ink.." she muttered.
< What is the great excitement about purple ink? > asked Ax.
"To tell you the truth, Ax, I don't really know. It's kind of a girly thing-- oooof!" finished Tobias.
The "oof!" was both Rachel AND Cassie's elbows in his stomach.
"Ouch. Double bummer, man," said Jake, placing a comforting hand on Tobias's doubled-up shoulders.
Rachel and Cassie turned towards him menacingly.
"But, ah, um, well-deserved, I must say.." Jake quickly added.
Marco collected the affidavit, and capped the pen. "Thank you, Scarlett."
"Uh-huh!" she said, pinching his cheek. "When I get home, I'm going to write a really nice fic for you!"
Marco *coughed*. "I'm...honored."
"Now, if there's no further business--"
"Oh, but there is," Marco continued. "My...colleagues...and I will meet you back here in fifteen minutes."
"FIFTEEN MINUTES?? Why do you need fifteen minutes?" Scarlett whined.
"That's for us to know-- and you to find out...I think," spoke up Jake.
"Completely correct, Fearless Leader," Marco said. "And, now, we must bid you adieu."
"Why can't I watch?" said Scarlett, making one last try.
"*BECAUSE!*" Rachel said. "Now, let's *go!*"
"Rachel?" said Tobias, in a shaky voice.
"Yes?"
"You're....speaking in asterisks!"
"That's the *LEAST* of our problems right now!" Rachel answered.
"Uh, Rach? You just did it again." added Cassie.
Marco broke off what was going to be an volcanic eruption of Mount Rachel'sTemper by saying, "Okay...let's go...chop chop!"
Once they were out in the hall, the AM's surrounded Marco.
"You had better have a plan, or you are LUNCH," threatened Tobias.
"I do," answered Marco, "and I'll reveal it as soon as we get to the computer lab."
"The computer lab?" asked Cassie?
"Yeah. The one with all the word-processors..."
Meanwhile, Scarlett sat in the cafeteria and pouted. Then, suddenly, her eye fell on the microphone and CD rack.
"While I'm here, there's no reason why I can't do a little kareoke..."
HALF OF "MY HEART WILL GO ON" LATER....
The door opened, and the Animorphs swaggered in, like bullies on a collective sugar high.
Marco was staggering under the massive weight of a manuscript, which he presented to Scarlett.
All he said was: "Read."
Scarlett made it past about the fifth paragraph before she choked.
Names....FAMILIAR names...peeked up at her from every twisted, tortured, lemony-fresh sentence.
"These people..." she whispered, "...these people are US! The fic writers!"
Rachel nodded. "Yep."
Her furious gaze locked with Jake's. "YOU CAN'T *DO* THIS!!!"
Cassie gave Scarlett a big grin. "Oh, yes indeedy we can!"
"HOW???"
Marco stepped forward. "In your world, we're "fictional characters and we "don't really exist." So, say you, "we have no rights." Well, in OUR reality...you...ALL of you are "fictional characters" and, shall we say, are "fair game."
Scarlett seethed. "You can never prove it!"
Tobias nodded, as if he was talking to a very young child. "Marco, the document please?"
Marco unfolded the telltale document with Scarlett's signature on it-- in purple, indelible ink. "Read it and weep."
Scarlett moaned. "Noooooooo..." Casting her eyes about the room, she spied the cursed fanfic. "Hah-HAH!" She proceeded to rip it to bits. "What blackmail??"
In a perfectly synchronized movement, the Animorphs held up floppy disks.
"NOOOOO!" she screamed. Then, her eyes narrowed. "I can still make this a torture fic, you know..."
< True, > conceded Ax. < But, you can't ever completely kill us. >
"Fanfiction. Net is proof of *that*, " shuddered Rachel.
Scarlett screwed up her face in frustration. With one last howl, she simply disappeared.
NICE TRY, YOU GUYS. BUT I'LL BE BACK, LAWSUITS FLAMING!!!!!
Marco waved. "Have your lawyers call my lawyers! They'll do lunch!"
YOU, ESPECIALLY, WILL SUFFER!
"Oh, shaddup. Besides, don't you have a Y2K bug to go fix?"
...CRAP.
And, with that, the Entity Formerly Known As Scarlett was gone.
The dance snapped back into reality around them, and a Spice Girls number filled the air.
Rachel looked at her watch. "Three more hours to go."
Cassie looked around at the group. "Raise your hand if this is really lame."
After Jake took five minutes to explain the use of the word "lame' in that sentence to Ax, the vote was unanimously affirmitive.
< So, what alternate activity do you suggest? >
The music switched to Jay-Z.
"God, I HATE rap," muttered Tobias.
"Can I get a-"
"SNO-CONE!" yelled Marco.
"Can I get a Sno-Cone?" asked Cassie, with a weird look at Marco.
"Not a bad idea, Cassie. Sno-Cones all around?" Jake asked.
Rachel shrugged. "Cool with me-- as you long you get bubble gum flavor!"
"Shaddup."
< What is a Sno-Cone? >
Tobias sighed. "I'll tell you when we get there, Ax. Meanwhile, can we leave? This place kinda gives me the creeps."
"Amen to that," said Marco.
They exited, stage left.
THE END
(but is there ever an end where fics and lawsuits are involved?)