Once upon a time there was a train going to a hellish area. There were hooded passengers on board for some reason. Two of them were main characters.
"What was the plan again?" said one with a male voice.
"Shut up and follow me," responded the other with the female voice.
They were very close to their destination. Outside of the train were a bunch of trained fighters killing untrained idiots. They got guns by magic.
In the train, a guard came to the room where the hooded passengers were boarded and said, "Time to die, people. Said your prayers? If not, TOO BAD!"
Just then, the female hooded passenger jumped up, yelled "RAWR!" and killed the guard with her gunblade. Several other guards came in, but she disposed of them with ease. The passengers were screaming in fear, but the male one came running to meet the female.
"Jump," yelled the female.
They jumped off the train and landed on land. Guards came with gun, but bullets were like atomic milk duds as the female shrugged them off and slaughtered the guards.
"Uh, what was your name again?" asked the male passenger.
"Lightning," she responded.
"Right, anyway, my name is Sazh—
"I said shut up and follow me."
The two were running, killing guards and some other creatures. Bodies of innocent bystanders were everywhere. Sazh removed the bras and panties off the dead female bodies.
"WTF are you doing?" asked Lightning.
"I, uh, need some memorable souvenir of this wonderful place," said Sazh.
Lightning rolled her eyes and continued running. They were running until they found a huge gap. Lightning yelled, "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" and started flying. However, Sazh did not have that power and grabbed onto her.
"Mhm…you smell nice," said Sazh.
"Got off, you freak!" yelled Lightning.
The weight of Sazh was too much for Lightning and they plunged to their doom. Or did they?
Meanwhile, a blonde dude with a ski cap and a bunch of other retards were fighting against the soldiers with machine guns.
"Those sons of bitches can't aim for shit," said Rabba, a dude with packs.
"Good thing because I'm going to charge in and do some KUNG FU FIGHTING!" yelled Snow.
He yelled and started punching the soldiers with machine guns with his own hand. In a matter of seconds, he managed to kill them all.
"Good job, Snow, now let's go rescue some hostages," said Looki, a girl with purple hair.
"The hero always does a good job," said Snow.
They and one other anonymous dude charged in, yelling and firing machine guns at everything that twitched until they found the hostages.
"Hostages, we are here to liberate you. Follow us and you will all be safe," said Snow.
"Follow you? Take a look at you guys. You people are hopeless," said some random douchebag.
Snow snapped his neck and then said, "Anyone else?"
The hostages shook their head. Snow smiled and said, "That's the spirit. Now everyone grab a machine gun. Don't worry, I'm a hero, I know exactly what I am doing."
The hostages all picked up a machine gun. However, since there were not enough machine guns for everyone, the ones that did get one were shivering in fear.
"Now for those with a machine gun, follow me!" demanded Snow.
More soldiers came in, but Snow and the hostages totally showed who their daddy was. That was, until a ship came in and dropped the bomb on the bridge. The bridge fell and all the hostages fell to their doom. Snow tried to hang on to one of the hostages, some old lady. However, the old lady lacked all will to live and instead of hanging onto Snow, said, "Take care of my son." Then she plunged to her doom.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Snow.
The little hostage that was watching that started yelling "MOMMMMMMMY!" and started crying. A girl came and comforted him.
"Don't worry, she may not be pancake shape yet," said the annoying little girl.
Snow felt so guilty that he started crying. Suddenly, Rabba and Looki came in with some levitating motorcycles.
"Stop crying and start being a hero again," said Looki.
"You're right," as he got on to the flying motorcycling.
Meanwhile, Lightning was flying again and carrying Sazh on her back.
"Stop grabbing onto me boobs," said Lightning.
"Sorry about that," said Sazh.
They were flying toward the enormous being known as the fal'Cie. What shall be their fate? Find out as the story of Final Fantasy XIII sort-of comedy story begins.