Author's Note: tHis is a parody fanfiction. It's complete shit and is intentionally so. I wrote this in two and a half hours in the middle of the night whilst being on enough Ritalin to calm the Hulk's ass down. Anyways, this made me bust out laughing while writing this so hopefully you like it too. If you like the author then feel free to follow him on Instagram too ethanjamessss

On with the story…

"As far as walnut date loaves go, that wasn't too bad" Tony Stark said as he spat the loaf into Peter's trash can.

If anyone else had disrespected Aunt May and her date loaf like that, he would've yeeted them out his window faster than you could say 'compound fracture'. Hell, with his new superpowers, it'd be incredibly easy to teach Iron Man some respect for subpar baked goods. The thing is, it wasn't that Peter couldn't call Tony out on his behavior, it was that he didn't want to, for a very specific reason.

That reason being that he had had a crush on Tony Stark ever since he was a young boy.

It had started at the Stark expo, when he was just a boy. He had his Iron Man mask on, and was ready to fight that weird Hammer Drone that came up staunching him. Sure, he probably would've had his tiny little prepubescent balls blown off by faulty Hammer Industries technology, but he was brave and willing to die for that But he didn't, because suddenly, Iron Man came to his rescue, dismantling the Hammer Drone with ease.

Ever since then, he'd always had a lingering fascination for the metal-clad man. Of course, he was far from the first kid to be obsessed with The Avengers and their members, but this was something different. This was more than just a hero.

Things started making a lot more sense when Peter realized he was gay. It all started in seventh grade, when Flash Thompson took Peter behind the bleachers and showed them just why they call him Flash.

They had a brief relationship, but things soon turned sour. Flash now called him 'Penis Parker', a name insinuating that Peter liked to park his penis into the orifices of men. Well, he wasn't wrong.

Anyways, Peter's Iron Man crush had faded as he entered high school, replaced by an interest for fitness. Fitness dick into every single homeless man in Queens.

But as Tony Stark stood in Peter's room, all the old feelings started coming back. And he meant all of them. Peter barely even cared that Tony was discovering his secret identity and defacing his room. He just wanted to get the Iron Fist.

"So, you're the Spider… ling… Crime fighting Spider? the Spider Boy" Peter just wanted to soak up his voice and inject it in his bloodstream.

"I- I'm Spider-Man"

"Not in that onesie you're not" Peter felt ashamed now. Very ashamed.

"You know what I think is impressive? This webbing. Tensile strength is off the charts…" Peter nearly blushed. There was a part of him that made him want to roll up his sleeves and show Tony just how strong his webbing really was.

Then they talked about responsibility for a while and other boring things. Peter didn't care, he was just gay and in love with Tony Stark and didn't care about the age gap whatsoever. It's not like you read these kinds of fanfictions for the characters, do you?

Long story short, he was going to Germany. And he had exactly one chance to impress the man he had been crushing on for nearly his entire life.

…

"Hey everyone"

Peter's new suit was quite possibly the most awesome thing he had ever seen. It was a testament to Mr. Stark's brilliant mind that he knew exactly what suited Peter's powers and his feelings. Everything worked perfectly and he felt like a whole new man. The built-in catheter helped too, especially considering his nerves.

Captain America was going crazy. Peter wasn't sure if it was because he saw blacks having rights or whether he found out that he used to be the Human Torch, he was just going crazy. That was the only thing Happy told Peter on the plane ride to Berlin. His job was to web them up, deescalate the conflict and make sure nobody got hurt.

And that's exactly what he did. The webbing shot out of wrists almost at will to snatch Captain America's shield from his grasp. A second round of webbing fired almost instantly after the first one, tying Cap's hands together. Captain America had been another hero of Peter's when he was a kid. But if Iron Man said to fight him, you'd best bet he was gonna fight them. He was gonna pound that 100 year old sack of steroids until he was nothing but a former 100 year old sack of steroids. If you don't get the metaphor, Peter wanted to kill him dead.

Cap and Iron Man started talking. Peter tried to listen, but eventually he tuned out and started reading everyone's profiles. That's how intuitive his suit was, it could scan a person and instantly bring up everything about them, in order of importance. Oh, it also had a virtual machine that could do practically anything, from installing Wolfenstein 3D to making a Spider Vibrator that could suck his dick while he beat the shit out of Cap's team.

He was halfway through reading Clint Barton's relationship status (single, but with a serious kink for impaling his sexual partners with arrows) when he felt something hit him in the jaw, knocking him over.

"I believe this belongs to you, Captain" Some red-suited fuck was next to Cap now, and he had taken back his shield. Scott Lang, his suit told him, some regular old nobody with a couple of robbery charges. He had a Masters degree though, which made Peter wonder if he had anything to do with the weird ant-shaped helmet that adorned his head.

Then Captain America suddenly held his hands up in the air, and a projectile split the webbing in two, effectively freeing Cap's arms. It looks like arrow boy had chosen to use his skills for something other than profusely kinky and murderous sex. Peter's suit scanned two guys in the airport terminal, and so he turned to his idol for advice.

"Hey, Mr. Stark, what should I do?"

"What we discussed, keep your distance. Web 'em up" The Iron Man helmet made Tony's voice sound more digitized, more cold and impersonal. Peter didn't like that. But the innuendo as he said the word 'web' was tantalizing. Peter nearly created some natural webbing of his own.

But there was a mission to be completed, and so Peter went and did his job, going after the two guys in the terminal. He had to impress Mr. Stark today.

Spider-Man crawled over the glass walls of the terminals as the two men running inside caught sight of him. He swung from a web, crashed through the glass and kicked the black guy with the weird backpack away before expertly landing on the floor below, completely free of injury. He got up on his feet almost instantly, not giving the black man who he just assaulted a second thought. Man, Peter loved having powers.

But to be a superhero, you need to talk like one. As Peter caught the metal punch from that dude who blew up the UN meeting he tried his hardest to adopt the snark of his idol.

"Whoa, you have a metal arm? That is awesome dude!"

The Winter Soldier stopped fighting with Peter, pulled up two chairs and a tea set, and started talking with Peter about how useful his metal arm was, and how years back he had used it to brutally mutilate Iron Man's parents. I guess they had called a ceasefire.

Then, suddenly, Spider-Man was swept away by the black guy from before, who seemed to have no regard for tea party etiquette. Oh, also, he seemed to have grown wings out of his backpack.

"You have the right to remain silent!"

Spidey said this to the black man, not realizing how racist it was to recite the Miranda rights to a Black man as if all black people were breaking the law every time they did something. Of course, this black man was breaking the law at the time, but that was irrelevant.

Spidey knocked both of the dudes down soon enough before webbing them to the airport floor.

"Sorry guys, I would love to stay and chat, but Mr. Stark gave me one job and I've really gotta impress him today. I'm really sor—AAAAAAAAAH" Peter was cut off mid-sentence by some flying drone thing, which had flown him out the window before yeeting him to the ground below.

Not his finest moment. Peter was humiliated by that specific yeeting. He had been yoten before, but this had been a yeeting like no other before it.

The fight kind of disippated for a while, with both sides finding themselves on opposite sides of Vision's beams. Cap and Mr. Stark were talking, Bucky was showing T'Challa all the Nazi salutes he had learned with his metal arm, and Falcon was typing away at a typewriter angrily, drafting a civil suit to any and all of the racist pieces of shit who had hit him during the battle. Mr. Stark talked for a little bit longer, before Captain America and his team started running towards them.

"Uh… they're not stopping" Peter said. He thought this was going to be a peaceful resolution.

"Neither are we." Tony said, gritting his teeth and advancing towards the other team. If It wasn't the middle of a battle, Peter would have swooned. Mr. Stark's determination was so hot.

…

Peter sat in the hotel in Berlin, still kind of in a daze at everything. His clavicle had been inverted. His rectum was a shadow of its former self. He had no idea what had happened after the airport. Mr. Stark had sent him back to the hotel and didn't return for a few hours. When he came back, he was sporting a black eye that had no explanation, and a bunch of permanent marker drawings that said things like 'IRON MAN SUX' and 'BUCKY WUZ HERE' It looked hot on him.

Tony came in his room and sat on his bed, not seeming to care about Peter's lack of shirt. Nor the fact that he was masturbating profusely under the covers.

"Okay, Spiderling, just admit it, you're into me." It wasn't just Peter's spidey senses that started tingling at this point. He tried to feign ignorance whilst still beating his dick into submission.

"What? No…. I'm not… I…I'm not into… why would you even?"

One questioning look and Peter stopped with that, hanging his head in shame.

"I'm sorry Mr. Stark, I know you like women…but I can't help how I… and I know you and Pepper and… I just wanted to impress—"

Peter was interrupted mid sentence as the playboy billionaire kissed him, crashing Peter's lips against his. As all this was happening, the writer of this fanfiction vomited and punched himself for even typing these words, before calming down and reassuring himself this was just a parody and that made everything okay. Peter moved a hand up to Mr. Stark's jaw, which was stubbly and rough.

Then Tony pulled away, got up and repositioned himself, straightening his suit. Peter looked at his hand, which now had permanent marker on it from the giant vibranium penis T'Challa had also drawn on Tony's face.

"Me and Pepper are taking a break right now. And for the record, I'm not nearly as straight as everybody thinks I am. " He walked out of the room, but not before saying

"And by the way, you looked hot out there today. I'll be seeing you again very soon Mr. Parker."

And with that, he left the room, leaving Peter in his bed, covered in sweat, still whacking his meat as hard as his enhanced strength allowed him.

…

Peter didn't hear from Tony for three more weeks after that. He spent that time hanging with his friend Ned, building the LEGO Death Star and stealing Michelle's books, books such as How to Get Peter Parker to Love You, How to Survive Life as a Comic Book Girlfriend and Don't Snap Your Neck When Green Goblin Yeets You Off Of a Tower.

But eventually Iron Man came to see Peter again. It all started one night as Peter and Aunt May were eating dinner.

Mr. Stark came in and ignored Peter at first, addressing Aunt May only. He said

"Hey, May, so… Uncle Ben's alive." Her face lit up and tears of joy slid down her cheeks. She shrieked with joy and hugged Tony, saying

"Where is he?" through joyful tears. Mr. Stark handed her a slip of paper with an address on it, and she left the apartment instantly, completely forgetting about her nephew.

Peter couldn't say a word to Tony Stark. His jaw was still on the ground.

"That should buy us some time. She should be gone for a few hours."

Peter still couldn't say anything. Tony noticed his expression and got defensive.

"What, you didn't think I actually revived Uncle Ben, did you? Of course not. That's like, the one rule of comics. There are three characters who never get to be alive again. That's Thomas Wayne, Martha Wayne, and Ben Parker. If I messed with that, I'd never appear in the Marvel Universe ever again. I'd have my rights sold off to some obscure Turkish studio that would use me to make propaganda where I deny the Armenian Genocide or something."

Peter's reactions became relaxed again. He'd probably get to talk to Uncle Ben in his upcoming sequel (Coming to theatres near you in July 2019). But now it was Tony time.

"Anyways, we've got plenty of time. How about I take you to the headquarters, that way I can show you Stark Tower?"

Peter had heard rumours that Stark Tower had had some trouble reaching its full height during its construction, but he let that slide. Of course he wanted to come with Iron man.

Peter went to go get his web shooters to get himself to the HQ, but Tony stopped him, grabbing him by his underage waist.

"Nope. Not tonight. Tonight, you ride with me."

And with that, Iron Man suited up, grabbed Peter in his metallic arms and shot through the window into the sky, shooting shards of window glass into the eyeballs of some guy who was on the streets below.

"You're lucky I'm blind anyways!" Daredevil said, shaking his fist at the sky, albeit in the completely wrong direction. He called Foggy and told him to assemble some legal precedent on illegal gay pedophilic relationships and meet him at the Avengers Facility upstate. He had a bad feeling about those two in the sky.

Meanwhile, back at the Avengers HQ in Upstate New York, it was completely quiet. Vision was out in Scotland secretly banging Scarlet Witch with his vibranium penis, and there were no other Avengers at the complex because Tony had alienated literally all of his friends. Except Rhodey, who was back at his home, a crippled wreck of a human being. He was browsing wheelchairs on eBay.

So basically, the Avengers Facility was completely empty. Tony had excused himself to go do something, and Peter Parker was just sitting in the kitchen area thingy, staring out the window. He heard Tony's footsteps as he reentered the room and addressed him whilst still having his back turned.

"I still don't get what you meant by showing me Stark Tower. I thought it was Avengers Tower now. And I also thought you sold it. And it's nowhere near—OH MY GOD"

Peter had turned around, only to see Tony Stark completely bare naked, wearing nothing except for half of a Slave Leia outfit he had stolen from the Disney/Lucasfilm/Marvel archives when Mickey Mouse wasn't looking.

"So, what do you say, Spider-Man? Wanna show me just what you can do?"

"Uh… yeah!" Peter said, moving towards Tony. But they couldn't touch each other just yet, as they were both forced away from each other by a torrential wave of the author's own vomit. He had to throw up again, just thinking about how disgusting and illegal that was and that he almost wrote disgusting illegal pedophilia fanfiction with his own two fingers. Then he reassured himself it was a parody yet again, and the story continued.

Iron Man advanced on Spidey, before a mysterious figure knocked the two away from each other again. Peter was knocked unconscious for the sake of the story, and taken to the hospital.

Which left Tony Stark unarmed, stuck in a room with a very, very angry Daredevil.

He tried to summon a suit, but it self destructed to preserve the narrative. He tried to summon another suit, but that one also self destructed for narrative purposes. This went on for about five minutes as Tony tried to summon every single suit he had canonically built. Eventually he ran out of suits and was forced to confront what he had just been caught doing head on.

"Tony, this isn't you!" Daredevil said, trying to talk some sense into him. "Some little freak is warping your mind with her headcanon, and it's ILLEGAL!"

"I don't care, Murdock. Me and that boy love each other, and I'm not gonna let something as small and insignificant as consent laws get in our way!"

"Then I'm afraid I have no choice but to hit you WITH THIS!" Tony closed his eyes and braced himself for a vicious attack, but found only a stack of papers in his hand that read SUBPOENA.

"I'll see you in court, Tony. Have a good lawyer ready." And with that, Daredevil and Foggy left the Avengers Facility.

…

It was 9:22 AM. The weather was cold and chilly, and the crowd that had gathered around the courthouse was freezing to death. A couple of miles away, Tony was in his limo, very distraught, talking to Happy about his legal defense.

"So, which fictional lawyers could we get lined up to represent me at trial? Perry Mason?"

"Too old."

"Harvey Specter?"

"Too much of a good person."

"Matt Murdock?"

"Sir, he's the one suing you."

"Well, how about Harvey Dent?"

"I heard he can be a little two-faced in the courtroom. But on the flip side, his pricing is more on the tail end. It wouldn't cost us too much coin. In fact, I think when you take the offer we have at face value, it's half off."

"Let's use him."

And so Tony's limo arrived at the courtroom. He got out and was instantly pelted with tomatoes, rocks and copies of that one comic where him and Black Widow make a sex tape that leaks. He got into the courtroom and met with his lawyer, who was a little less Billy Dee Williams and a little more Aaron Eckhart.

The two sat down at their little lawyer table. Tony looked over to the opposing counsel table, which had Daredevil and Foggy sitting down at it. Tony winked at Daredevil, knowing he couldn't see it.

The Honourable Judge Gavel sat down at his Judgey chair, being all judgily judgy. He banged his gavel (which was shaped like Mjolnir), and with that, court proceedings began.

Matt Murdock stood up first.

"Your honour, I move that—"

"I'm over here Mr. Murdock."

"Oh. My bad." Matt readjusted his positioning so he was facing the Judge.

"Your honour, I move that opposing counsel replace their lawyer."

"On what grounds?"

"He's not even a Marvel character." The entire courtroom gasped.

"I'll allow it. Mr. Dent, go back to your own publishing house." And so he did.

"I guess I'll be representing myself then." Tony Stark said meekly.

"Very well. Mr. Murdock, do you wish to proceed with opening statements?" And with that, Daredevil stood up and began talking.

"Your honour, I move that Mr. Stark be sentenced to maximum prison time in a high security facility. The crime that he is being accused of is heinous, and there is little to no way he could not be guilty. Pedophilia is a serious crime, and Mr. Stark displayed it many times, including the many advances he made towards the 15-year-old Peter Parker. Not only that, but he continues to stand by his actions, insisting that they're in love and that we are all homophobic for not allowing this fuckery to continue. I rest my case."

"Mr. Stark, do you have anything to say for yourself?" Judge Gavel said, but it was already clear he had made up his mind.

"We're just fictional. I mean, it's just a headcanon, right? It's not hurting anyone. I think that I'm allowed to do whatever I want and that anyone who takes issue with our ship needs to go away and leave us alone. Nobody cares about 'consent' and 'the law'. Love is love."

"Very well then. I sentence you to ten years in the Prison of Bad Comic Book Decisions." Judge Gavel banged Mjolnir, and then he hit his hammer too. Court was adjourned and Tony Stark was instantly teleported to jail.

He was in a cell. The neighboring cells around him were super weird, filled with all the stupidest Marvel comics storylines to every grace marvel comics. In the cell across from him, Hank Pym was beating his wife over and over again. It seemed to be on an infinite loop.

In the cell to his left, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver were in their cells, incesting with each other incestily. M'baku the racially insensitive Man-Ape was snarling at Tony from the cell to his right. And right in front of him was The Punisher that one time they turned him black. And he looked angry.

"Do you wanna be… punished?" He said that last word as he winked.

Tony gulped in fear. He was in big trouble.

To be continued…