The Following Trailer Is Rated NFM for No F##king Mercy!
From the author that rose from obscurity to become the Darth Vader of crappy romance, comes the movie that unleashed a sparkly plague upon the world from which it will never recover.
Twilight!
Travel to Jerkwater USA, and meet Bella Swan, a girl with all the emotion of a corpse, the beauty of a blobfish, and the intelligence of Patrick from SpongeBob, yet still has the nerve to declare herself the main character.
When Bella meets the mysterious and pasty Edward Cullen, a member of a sissified clan of vampires that sparkle when exposed to sunlight, they bond over their mutual blandness, and the stage is set for the stalest romance saga ever conceived.
Swoon as Bella and Edward fall for each other for no discernible reason, as they partake in the time honored traditions of love and romance, such as stalking, mouth breathing, breaking and entering, watching each other sleep, and staring, lots and lots of staring. You know, I'm starting to develop the crazy idea that Meyer doesn't know jack shit about romance.
Finally, after almost two hours of this pathetic excuse for romantic development, experience a rushed conclusion about a cheap villain who you care about even less than the moldy slices of pizza who pass for protagonists, in a desperate attempt to convince you that this story has any sort of actual entertainment potential.
So take the first bite out of the saga that single handedly succeeded in both bringing the romance genre to its lowest point since The English Patient, and doing what Abraham Van Helsing never could, taking some of the most hardcore badasses in all of mythology, and turning them into into pansyass glitter children; but don't worry, this series is just getting started!
Starring:
The Shitmaster- Stephenie Meyer
The Ugly Swan- Bella
Captain Sparkles- Edward
I Contribute Nothing- Bella's Mom
Sandy Koufax- Alice
Pop The Cork- James
Turdlight!
Did you know that the name Bella means "Beautiful"? So the name Bella Swan could literally translate into "Beautiful Swan." Personally, I think it would be more accurate to call Peter Dinklage Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I will give you a hint what tomorrow's Honest Trailer will be. Let's just say that a "New Moon," is coming.