Keep it together, just ten more minutes. The announcement had come mere seconds ago, but it already felt like eternity. Already her composure was slipping. Everything from the past few months, balled up and carefully contained, threatened to split her apart. Just don't think too much. You're going for a trip, that's all. Just a few steps and it will all be over. It was no good. Her dams were breaking, the floodgates were failing. She couldn't escape, even in her final minutes she couldn't find peace. Sobbing in earnest now, she clutched at her head, at her midsection, pacing the breadth of the platform. She was clinging to the edges of herself but it just wasn't enough. She was falling apart, crumpling inward. Still no train.
"Well that's not fair, is it?!" a voice cut through her clouded thoughts from the other end of the platform, a woman at the payphone. You're damn right, she thought. Nothing ever is, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. The distraction was enough to help her quieten her anguish. Only a minute to go now. The plan, the plan. She placed her bag on the ground and stepped out of her shoes, carefully, precisely. Her years in uniform gave her sympathy for the officers – she wanted her ID close at hand when events played out. Even now she couldn't think the word. She tugged the jacket from her shoulders, and almost felt something. The cold night air nipped at her through her dress, and the full body numbness seemed to lift by the smallest fraction. There wasn't time to appreciate it though. Her train was almost here. At this stage it was almost like one of her runs. She had come so far, turning back was not an option, and she was well practised at continuing past her limits. In a way, this was simply another few determined strides towards the finish line.
Time was moving at a crawl now, and each breath sent a dull pulse through her. She turned slowly to face the tracks, and stopped. The woman, the one from the payphone, had approached. Drawn by her sobs she guessed. The girl was dressed like a punk rock hoe, and held herself upright seemingly through anger alone. They locked eyes, and yet again she was caught in a gaze that was so much her own and so much not. Another one. Of course there is. And with that, she took her first step to freedom.
The shock in the girl's face was burned in her mind.
Another step.
It worried at her, reminiscent of something, something out of reach in the fog she had hidden away in.
A third and final stride on solid ground.
A sudden clarity. The woman's face held the same shock she had, the same disbelief, the same instant connection. But any connection they had would be gone in just one second more. Well that's not fair, is it?! It wasn't the girl's voice she heard but her own. Her voice from before, when she still knew who she was and what separated right from wrong.
Hesitation. A train horn, a blast of air, and a sudden force pushed her backwards. She stumbled a step, and then another. For a moment she was caught, weightless in the space of an opportunity sorely missed and a disconnected relief, some leftover remnant of a Beth Childs who still knew how to fight.