Where I Stood
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am,
Without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should
'Cause he will love you more than I could
He who dares to stand where I stood
It wasn't always this way. Hailey remembers. She remembers how handsome he'd been. Now every victim etches another line into his once smooth face. She remembers how he used to make her laugh. Now the only thing they joke about is the weather and that is dry humor at best. She remembers how they used to lay in bed, whispering secrets very early in the day, waking in the morning light. Now they only managed to share their bed once in a fortnight, sometimes separating even longer. (If Hotch was home, he often fell asleep on the couch or at his desk.) She remembers how she'd made him dinner every night when he'd been getting home at seven on the dot. Now he maintained a sporadic schedule, either fending for himself or picking at the food she'd left for him, after his flight had gotten in and she'd long since gone to bed. She didn't wait up for him anymore.
She remembered those better days and she was willing to hold onto them as long as he needed. But Hotch refused. He knew she would give him a second chance. And that second chance would turn into a third and a fourth. Hotch knew that the killers would never stop. Hotch knew she didn't want the divorce, but he knew himself and he knew that even an infinite amount of chances wouldn't be enough. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life living off of chances.
Hailey deserved better. It was a fact; plain and simple. She deserved a man who would love her with a full heart; a man who could devote himself only to her. A man who wouldn't have to get up early and come home late; a man who could support her, but not at the cost of their marriage. A man who would be married only to her, not in another relationship with a mistress they called His Job.
As much as Hailey wanted to concur with him, it would be hard to let it go, let fifteen years of her life go. Yes, he'd estranged from her so she could find someone to love her the way he felt she was worthy of, but where did that leave him? It didn't seem just that she ended up happy and he died alone. Hotch told her not to worry, that she was more important. Knowing her, she still would.
Hotch knew what his settlement entailed, what he would have to endure. There would be many mornings that he would wake up and call her name, only to realize that she was gone and he was the one who'd sent her away. There would be many times that he would dial her number, without mind, out of habit, because he hadn't changed his speed-dials. There would be many nights spent lying awake, fretting that he made the wrong decision, the dull ache of loss in his chest.
However, when Hotch sees her in a restaurant, hands linked with another man, eyes happy, it is then that he knows he made the right choice. He walks away.