Wow. I'm here at my big 1-0-0. I did wonder for a while what I should write to mark the occasion, and eventually this came to me. It is purely the result of a three hour car journey, Will Young, and my mother's favourite track on his latest album. I tweaked and twiddled the idea a little, but it seemed to fit Kai so well I had to write it. So I sat up long into the night in someone's freezing spare room writing this while I was on holiday. And since I got home I've changed bits and added bits and this is what I finally came up with. I hope you enjoy it.
I haven't dedicated anything to anyone in a long time, but I think this fic needs to be dedicated. And that dedication is for everyone who has ever given me a review. They really do make my day.
There's an awkward silence in the air as you stare at me, waiting for me to answer your question. I feel my eyes drop to the floor to avoid your gaze. I want to hide. You don't seem to remember that I've never been able to express myself well, not about things like this. Asking blunt questions like 'Do you love me, Kai?' has never gotten you an answer in the past. I don't know why you keep asking. Maybe you hope I'll say yes. You don't get it that I...just can't.
You seem to have been expecting not just an answer but an instant one from the disappointed look on your face. You seem to look that way whatever I say now. I just keep disappointing you. That look...I can't face it. Your eyes turn on me that certain way, your lips turn down at the corners and you give off this air of denied hope. I can't stand it. I'll move away. Maybe if I'm not so close I won't be so disappointing.
Recently, you've been asking me big questions like that more and more. Asking me if I love you. How much I care about you. Even if I would miss you if you died. But I can never seem to answer. The words don't come. I don't know the words to say them in the first place really. I've spent so many years being cold and pushing people away that I can't do anything right with you. I'm so awkward with people and feelings. When I get remotely close to anyone I start wanting to run away, to distance myself. It's instinctive now. You don't know how hard it is for me to be even this disappointing to you.
You seem to take it as a personal insult when I don't greet you with some kind of emotional declaration or a passionate embrace, but...I feel so...not shy as such, but scared of getting it all wrong. I've tried talking to people about it. Well, by people I mean Tala and Bryan. But still. They give me advice, tell me how to be a good boyfriend, but I just forget it all when I'm with you and I want to run away rather than watch myself screw everything up and lose you.
I don't want to lose you. But I can't help but think sometimes that other people would be so much better for you. I mean...I'm too cold, too selfish, too unwilling to let you into my heart. But...I think I have a right to be like that- I've never been close to anyone before, I need time to work out my feelings and how to go about feeling them. But you seem to want me to know everything there is about being a perfect boyfriend instantly. Maybe it's because I'm so obsessed with being the best at everything. Well I've found the one thing I'm no good at.
I think sometimes that you want me to tell you I love you. But I...I just can't do it. The words stay in my mind, refuse to step down to my tongue. It's as if...I can't speak them out loud, because then they would be real...and if they're real I can't pretend they aren't there. And always, you'll have heard me tell you I love you. It's...so big. Or it feels big to me.
No-one else would stand over here and think like this. People would give up limbs to be given a hint of a chance with you, and here I am, your boyfriend, standing on the other side of the room watching your beautiful amber eyes fill with tears.
There are so many things I want to say to you, but they won't come. They never come. I think I'm afraid of those being real as well. Once you say something, you can't make it unsaid. And even though I think you're beautiful, that you're amazing, that you're wonderful...what if that isn't what you want me to say? And then I won't be able to take it back. And it'll ruin everything.
In my dreams I can tell you everything. I'm charming and dashing and I sweep you off your feet, but when it comes to real life I'm useless. I -want- to tell you everything but the words stick to my tongue and with every second that goes past in silence I seem like a worse and worse boyfriend.
I don't see why you want me. You could have anyone you wanted- someone experienced like Tala, someone loud and happy like Tyson, someone dependable and sure like Lee. But you picked me. Even though you know how awkward and nasty I can be.
I know I don't do a very good job of dating you. I spent too many years alone to know how to treat you and too many hours learning that to confide in someone is to be weak that I fumble my way through our relationship like a blind man. It isn't that I mind holding your hand in public- I actually like it a lot- but...I know it irritates you that it's always you taking my hand and not the other way round. But I'm never sure where I should hold your hand- is it okay to do it in the shopping centre? The cinema? Or...neither of those two?
You expect such a lot from me that I don't know how to give. It makes me feel so childish and stupid. No amount of hinting makes you see that the reason I don't make any kind of romantic gestures towards you is because I don't know how, I've never done it before, and I'm scared that if I try it'll mess everything up.
Apparently you aren't prepared to wait any longer for an answer. You turn to walk away.
"Rei..." You turn back, eyes brimming with hope. "Rei, I..." Your eyes burn into me so fiercely that I have to look away. "I'm scared." And there. It's out. Should I keep going? I...I suppose I have to. "I don't know how to be your boyfriend. I...I don't know when to hug you, or when I'm supposed to put my arm round you or kiss you but it's like you expect me to know and...I don't..." You stare at me. This is the most I've said to you in a while. I've been avoiding you on purpose so I can't get into a situation where I ruin things. That look...
Did I really just tell you all of that? It's just hit me... I told you, and that's why you're looking at me so strangely. I turn away and start walking, mind reeling. But a hand closes over my wrist and drags me back round. I avoid your gaze. "Kai...that isn't all that's wrong, is it?"
"...No." I whisper.
"Then tell me the rest."
"I..." I grab you close and hold you against my chest so you can't look me in the eyes any more. "I want to do it right. People keep giving me advice and telling me to do things but as soon as I'm with you I panic and I forget and...and I can never say anything I want to say to you and I know I'm no good at being your boyfriend and I know I'm just a big disappointment and...and I'm sorry."
It's a lame finish but it gives me time to let go of you. I turn and start moving towards the door again. I want to be well away from here so I won't hear when you start laughing at how pathetic I am. I'm almost at the door when your powerful arms lock around my waist from behind and you rest your cheek between my shoulder blades. "Kai...do you love me?" I'm about to really run for it when your hand splays across my stomach, holding me back. "Don't run away. Just tell me how you feel." My head is spinning.
"I...Rei, I...I-I..." Way to sound like and idiot. But you just press yourself a little closer, your other hand on my hip, stroking reassuringly.
"If you can't tell me, show me, Kai." I want to turn around and kiss you, but what if that isn't what -you- want? What if you get that disappointed look in your eyes again?
"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"...If I disappoint you...I won't have to see it in your eyes." A short silence.
"Okay, I'll close them then. There. Closed." I turn to find bright eyes boring into my own. "What are you so afraid of, Kai? That if you do something wrong I won't love you any more?" You take hold of my shoulders, leaning to look up into my eyes. I close them. "I would rather you did things wrong than not do them at all..."
I open my eyes, looking into yours for a split second before closing them again, trying to gather up the courage that always seems to drain away when I'm around you. And then I open them again properly, looking down at your beautiful face. My heart pounds as I take hold of you, leaning closer tentatively. But you don't move away, so I kiss you, pushing my lips against yours insistently, trying to convey how I feel about you. My arms encircle you as the kiss deepens. This is right. It must be, or you would have moved away.
You moan softly and that makes the alarm bells in my head go berserk. "Did I hurt you?" I pant, pulling away. You just look amused, looking up at me with half-closed eyes.
"No."
A few more soft kisses later I hold you closer, lips brushing your ear. I can feel my pulse racing. My breath comes with more effort than usual. "Rei..." I steel myself. "I love you." It's a rushed whisper, short and abrupt, but I've said it. Finally. You sigh, though, and I tense in fear. Is that not what you wanted to hear? "Good." I relax. "Because I love you too, Kai. And if we have that..." You move back, and I can see that for a change your eyes are full of happiness. "If we have that, we can work on everything else later."
Fin
It was supposed to be honest and realistic, but I couldn't help giving it an extra shot of angst. It was just too tempting!
R&R please (some things never change, do they?).