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Dear SEGA…

A Sonic drabble

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To all my associates at SEGA and Sonic Team

Dear friends,

Hi. I know it's been a while since we last talked. I know you've been busy developing my next two games, so I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

Guys, seriously: What the crap happened?

I know the new millennium was a hard time for all of us, but we always knew we could fix up the old glitches and polish up the graphics and things would just get better from there. But have they? No, not really. The franchise has been suffering as of late, and I think I know why. Perhaps it's time I give you MY two cents for a change.

Let's start with Shadow the Hedgehog. Seriously, who thought that the series needed a hedgehog with guns? And who says "Damn it" every two seconds as if he's Jack Bauer? Don't get me wrong, Shadow's an okay guy, but he definitely needs an overhaul. And he certainly doesn't need a new game- EVER.

Amy Rose is next. She's okay for a Mary Sue, but why do you insist on making her a playable character when all she does is run around (veeeery slooooowly) and whack baddies with a giant hammer? Even in the "Advance" games, she's painfully slow and can't even roll up into a ball like the rest of us hedgehogs. Did she forget what species she is, or something? I can go on all day about Amy, but let's move on…

Oh yeah, there's like a billion other characters- most of which I forgot the names of because THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM! …Wait, I remember Cream the Rabbit. She's cute, but she totally ripped that cute factor from Tails, who should be the cute one of the series. I say we ditch the rabbit and give the fox back his credibility. Cause you know, he's been here since 1992…

Which brings me to Knuckles, another old friend. Why. Is. He. So. STUPID? He was never like this in the old 16-bit games. Sure, Robotnik fooled him there, but only because the poor guy (Knuckles, not Robotnik) was on an isolated island. But nowadays he's played off like a chump, taking the backseat and letting other characters do the thinking for him. I don't see the fairness of it at all.

By the way, he's paying me to say all this, but I honestly think he's onto something here.

So yeah, give Knuckles back his dignity, I beg you.

And finally, Robotnik/Eggman. Another once-great character, now a pushover trying to build a theme park. …A theme park. *headdesk*

Can you make a lamer plot device for a main villain? No, that was not a suggestion!

Robotnik, or Eggman, whatever, is supposed to be evil and methodical and must always be a threat to us woodland creatures and humans alike. Stop turning him into a comic relief, for the love of all things holy!

And now comes the most important topic of all: the recent games.

-How DARE you take away my velocity with game tactics like in "Sonic Riders?" Yeah, I saw that part where I'm running like an old man- or Silver- when my board lost its power. I was MORTIFIED!

-And those book-based games like "Secret Rings" and "The Black Knight" weren't that great either. Sure, there was a dark edge to them, but you know my fans aren't interested in classic literature; they just want to see me run and explore new lands like the old days. And without a sword!

-"Sonic Next Gen." Deny its existence all you want, it's still out there, and it still sucks. Oh, and it wasn't enough that we already had three hedgehogs, you had to add in a fourth. Cute. Real cute. And one more thing: Next time you decide to kill me off- and by the way, thanks for doing that to me, after nearly two decades of being your faithful mascot, it really meant so much to me. But anyway, at least make it an honorable death where no humans try to make out with my corpse. "Furry" is only fun on paper.

-Sonic Unleashed was much better, but you can't tell me that Werehog thing was a good idea. Really guys, it's just only half excellent and half crap.

Which brings me to my final advice on the subject of all my next games: Keep it simple.

Enough already with the aliens, and time warps, and alternate universe mumbo-jumbo. Fans don't care about epic plot twists, they just wanna play a fun game. I know you're gonna shoot me for saying this, but I have to say it: learn from Mario. He's been doing well since the 80's, because his games are all about puzzle solving and world exploration. I was like that, back when my games were good. If he can keep doing it, then darn it so can I!

And I already know about those Wisps- please promise me they'll be a one-time deal, cause I really cannot afford any more sidekicks.

Guys, you know I love ya and I'll always be your loyal mascot. But for the love of chili dogs, PLEASE make my next games as simple and fun as possible. Don't give me more "friends," and stop it with the epic sagas already. I- as well as my fans- have had enough of that.

With Love,

Sonic the Hedgehog

-That's right, THE hedgehog! Shadow and Silver can kiss my ass.