A/N: Hi guys. First up, I'd like to apologise profusely for not updating my other fics, Heads and Tails and Red White and Blonde, for a bazillion forevers; I've had icky writer's block and no motivation and I'm stuck in the middle of a chapter I'm not happy with. Anyway, to get me ack on track, I've written this, which has been fluffing around in my brain for a couple weeks and has finally been released. And guess what? IT'S A LITTLE BIT SMUTTY. Earned that M rating for a change, girlfraaaan~

Uncovery

Being a Marauder can be terribly hazardous. Sometimes James' fiendish plot gets so outlandish it's impossible to come out with all your limbs. Sometimes Peter's poker face fails and McGonagall finds out it was you who hexed Flitwick's underpants to tap-dance through the Great Hall at breakfast, and you spend the next three weeks in detention.

And sometimes Sirius dives underneath your duvet while you're naked and thinking about having it off with your hand, and things start making even less sense than usual.

"Sirius, what the fu—" I yelp, blushing furiously. I did mention I was naked, didn't I?

"Shhh!" he hissed back from somewhere near my ankles, "If Prongs comes in, I'm not here, okay? Okay?"

Before I could reply, Sirius had wriggled up the bed and was laying flush against my side.

I still wasn't wearing any pants.

"WHERE IS HE? I'LL KILL THAT LITTLE CROTCH-SNIFFING MUTT!" James shouted as he burst through the door.

Sigh. I'll never get any privacy.

"Hello James," I replied politely, resting the copy of 1000 Magical Herbs and Fungi I had cleverly concealed pornography inside on my chest. This had the dual benefit of covering the bulge that was Sirius' head, and making me look less suspicious.

"Oh hello Moony. You seen Sirius anywhere? I just wanted to have a casual little chat with him. Y'know, a friendly man-to-man. Nothing too serious, don't worry, it's just about the fact that he TURNED ME PURPLE! HOLY SHIT, I'M GOING TO RIP HIS FACE OFF FOR THIS!"

And, lo and behold, James indeed was a fantastic shade of purple. The skin on his face, neck, hands, and I assume everything in between was a vibrant violet. Really, you had to applaud Sirius' spellmanship.

"Oh, so you are. It really is your colour, I must say. Whoever did this to you has taste." I could feel Sirius shaking against my chest, struggling in silent mirth. I myself was having more than enough trouble keeping a mostly-straight face, and I didn't need him setting me off. I prodded him discreetly but firmly in the back of the neck.

"Moony, don't fuck with me. He did this in front of Evans. Evans! She couldn't stop laughing at me. I'll never live it down! And she was this close to agreeing to go with me to Hogsmeade on Saturday. I am so screwed…"

Now, James' borderline-psychotic obsession with Lily was enough to leave him debilitated for hours if anything interfered with his chances with her, and I knew better than to get too involved.

"Okay James, if I see him I'll tell him you want to talk to him. I'm sure he meant no ill by it. Remember when you Vanished all his clothes that time when he was trying to chat up Vicky Sanders?"

"Yeah, but that's different. That actually helped him get with her. They spent the next three weeks with their tongues in each other's faces thanks to me."

"Well maybe Lily fancies purple men. It's very masculine."

"Okay, whatever. I'm going now. Maybe the git's hiding in the third-floor storage cupboard again…"

Once James had closed the door behind him and his footsteps down the staircase had faded away, Sirius emerged from under the covers and let out the hysterical laughter he had been stifling, knocking 1000 Magical Herbs & Fungi onto the bed next to me. Unable to resist his contagious laugh as usual, I joined in and we were soon breathless with tears in our eyes.

"Seriously Moony, you should have seen his face when I hexed him. Such a shame he went nuts before I could add flippers, though. Mind you, if I didn't do anything Lily would have done something worse to him, and you know what her hexes are like." I shuddered, remembering the last time; James had spent four long hours oozing in the hospital wing before Madam Pomfrey figured out how to detach the cuttlefish. "So 'about to agree' my arse. If anything, he should be thanking me. You have an incredibly hairy chest, Moony."

The sudden change in subject pulled my mind away from the unfortunate predicament James had found himself in, and sharply back to the fact that I was naked in bed with Sirius pretty much on top of me.

Now, if there's anything that my little spot of lycanthropy has taught me, it's that I'm damn good at lying and keeping secrets. Even little things like 'have you seen Sirius?', 'who moved my toothbrush?' and 'who let all the ferrets loose in the greenhouse?' get an instant knee-jerk lie response – it's developed into a habit to conceal things that other people don't have to know. Which is why I never got around to telling my friends about having a bit of a thing for Sirius Black.

And when I say 'a bit of a thing', I mean 'a mind-numbing hard-on that makes it impossible to not secretly drool over him'. It's a little problem I've learned to live with, but not even excessive self-discipline can help when he's hovering about a foot and a half above me with that adorable grin and talking about my bare chest.

"Why yes I do. Thank you for suddenly drawing attention to it."

"It's really hairy. I don't think I've ever really paid attention to it before. Is it a werewolf thing or something?"

I sighed. I'm a bit self-conscious with the whole excess body hair thing, and try my best to not draw attention to it. Hence why I usually decline my fellow Marauder's offers to join them of a nude parade through First Year Potions lessons.

"Yes, it's a werewolf thing. Mostly."

"I don't think I'd be able to stand having my own personal carpet on me." Without any warning, he pulled off his T-shirt and flung it across the room. I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying or doing anything stupid and regrettable. "See, I've got basically nothing here, and I am perfectly happy with that. Though I guess you're used to it by now."

Sirius ran his hands across his bare chest with interest, still contemplating his chest hair or lack thereof. It was terribly distracting.

"Why are you naked, anyway?"

Ah, so he finally asked.

"Well…" I replied, going slightly pink. "Well, I was, you know, just, uh… okay, I was trying to take advantage of you all being out of the dormitory and have a little personal time."

He stared at me, trying to figure out what I was on about, until it clicked and he snorted with laughter.

"Fair enough. At least it explains that," he pointed down at where my cock was, which was standing so proudly to attention that it was tenting the thick duvet. "And here I was thinking I was causing it. Oh well, a boy can dream."

Oh god, he had no idea just how right he was.

"But then why the textbook? Bit weird having a mushroom fetish, even for yo—oh Mister Moony, you are a clever bastard. You have something concealed in there, don't you? Something… naked."

Sirius tried to snatch the book from where it lay on the bed, but I pushed it out of his reach. He pinned me down with his elbow and swung his leg over my chest and in my moment of distraction he grabbed the textbook.

"What's wrong, you got some weird fetish? It better not be bestiality, I'm not scouring my eyeballs again… oh."

"… Yeah."

"Men."

"Yeah."

"I see…"

There was a pregnant pause as Sirius watched the desperately rutting pair in the moving photo with morbid fascination.

"So I'm guessing me straddling you like this is making you a little hot and bothered."

"Just a little."

"Is that the same 'just a little' that's not only poking me in the back, but is drooling slightly?"

I flushed red and tried to push Sirius off me, but instead he turned around to inspect just what was trying to get its fluids all over him. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to die from embarrassment or explode with pleasure.

"Why hello there, Mister Moony's Cock," he said in a worryingly chirpy voice. "You're a happy little soldier, aren't you?"

"Sirius," I hissed at him, "Are you this bizarre with all the girls you get with?"

"Nah, girls don't like you talking to their stuff. They'll take any excuse to push you off them, really. It's tragic. But this chappie right here, I could say almost anything to him and he's still be hard as a rock."

I'm pretty sure he recognised the full implications of this, but I wasn't about to confirm any suspicions.

There was a silence, and despite the fact that I couldn't see his face, I was sure Sirius was thinking very hard about something.

Or thinking about something very hard.

Suddenly I felt a warm hand run up the length of my cock.

"Sirius!" I cried. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Remus, you talk too much."

"No, you talk too much; I just respond. Now what on earth do you think you're doing?"

"What does it feel like I'm doing?"

I didn't bother to answer that. He continued stroking slowly, up and down, and I couldn't do anything but close my eyes and bloody enjoy it.

"Hmm, you enjoying this?"

I let out a moan of affirmation. Thanks to several years of being a teenage male, he knew exactly what he was doing… but how long would he keep it up for? How long before he cracks up laughing? How long before he tells me it was all an elaborate joke, and that the entire school will know about it by morning? Oh god, could I take the ridicule? I doubt it.

"Moony, whatever you're thinking about back there, stop it. You're going all soft. Think sexy thoughts, my man."

He quickened his pace and, prank or not, I stopped caring. Any amount of humiliation was worth this.

"Holy SHIT!" Something warm and wet ran across the top of the head of my cock. A tongue.

His tongue.

I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed Sirius off me and, pinning him to the bed, I crashed my lips against his.

Oh god, I've wanted to do this for ever.

He rested his hand against my neck and deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth and running it along anything it could reach. I ran my hands down his baby-smooth chest, resting them on his hips as I pressed my groin into his thigh and felt him moan into my mouth. His fingers tangled themselves into the brown curls on my chest and mine scrambled for the fly on his trousers in an attempt to free the straining bulge in the front of his pants.

Before things could get even more interesting, the dormitory door swung open.

"I could have sworn I left my quill in OH MERLIN WHAT THE FUCK?" I disentangled myself from Sirius and looked up to see Peter with an expression of pure horror on his face. There was an awkward pause as we all stared at each other with a mixture of shock, surprise and embarrassment. After an eternity of a few seconds, Peter remembered where his feet were and went barrelling back out through the door, slamming it closed behind him. Sirius looked at me with an amused but sheepish expression on his face, and I could hear cries of "Scourgify" from outside the room.

"I… I think it's dinner time," I said quietly, looking just as sheepish but more freaked-out than amused. I got off the bed and grabbed the clothes I had discarded earlier, putting them on as fast as I could, and left the dormitory before Sirius had even gotten off the bed.

Hopefully Peter hadn't told anyone yet.

xxx

By the time I got to Transfiguration the next morning, I hadn't spoken to Sirius or Peter since the… altercation the night before. The awkwardness between Sirius and I was so tangible it could be eaten with a spoon, and Peter squeaked nervously and looked away every time he made eye contact with either of us. James was both confused and worried, but alas no longer purple.

"Boys, sit down and be quiet!" Professor McGonagall snapped at us after we spent a good five minutes shuffling around looking for seats, as three of us didn't want to sit next to each other. Eventually Peter sat on one side of James and Sirius and I sat next to each other on his other side. With the distracting kerfuffle over, McGonagall launched into her lesson, and I tried my best to focus on transfiguring my tortoise, but Sirius' arm was three inches from mine and it was incredibly distracting.

After about ten minutes of lapsed concentration, I felt something small and rough rubbing against my wrist and looked over to see Sirius' tortoise nuzzling me with a scrap of parchment in its mouth. I carefully extracted the parchment from the little tortoise and unfolded it.

'Well, I had fun. And so did you.'

I frowned, turned the parchment over, scribbled a reply, gave it back to the tortoise and prodded it back to Sirius.

'What do you want me to do about it?'

After a few moments, the tortoise returned.

'How about returning the favour?'

Did I want to do it again? Definitely. Did I want to be some fling? Definitely not. I had no idea whether he saw the evening before as a bit of fun, fooling around, experimenting, or whether he actually liked me as more than a friend. I doubt I could take the former. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sirius glancing at me, anxious for a reply. I picked up my quill and scribbled a reply for the tortoise to take back.

'How about you come to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?'

"Black! Lupin!" McGonagall barked from the front of the room, "Why are your tortoises still tortoises and not top hats? Get a move on!"

Sirius waved his wand with a flourish and his messenger tortoise transformed into a top hat. A very rough and leathery brownish-green top hat with a shell on the top, but a top hat nonetheless. I turned to my own tortoise only to discover it had wandered off.

"Excuse me Professor," I said, raising my hand and feeling like an idiot, "My tortoise ran away. Can I have a new one?"

She pursed her lips and I could tell she was about to lecture me about being much more careless and distracted than usual, when Sirius interrupted.

"Don't worry, Moony, I've got him. He was trying to eat my quill, the daft thing." He plonked the tortoise in front of me and McGonagall humphed and told me to get back to work. I glanced down at my tortoise to see that three large letters had been written on its shell.

YES

xxx

I hadn't stopped grinning all through the rest of Transfiguration and hummed as I walked alone to my next class, Arithmancy.

About halfway down the third-floor corridor I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me and pull me off to the side and into a storage closet. Before I could turn around to see who or what my abductor was, a familiar voice whispered against my neck "So how about returning the favour?"

Grinning like an idiot, I spun around and caught Sirius in a searing kiss.

Aww~

Wow, sex scenes are really hard to write. Even if they only barely reach third base. They're like chase scenes except with more penises. I guess practise makes perfect, though 8D

Feel free to review and such. Gotta love that delicious, delicious feedback. Until next time, homies!

- Lacrima

(No tortoises were harmed in the creation of this fic.)