Hey ! Not so long ago, I posted a Linstead one-shot (Never let me go) and I promised to write another part to that story. I finished the french version on wednesday while waiting for the 2 hours CPD episode and started the translation just yesterday. As my english isn't perfect, you may find some mistakes. This time, I used the song Be Alright sung by Justin Bieber.
The characters and the show don't belong to me. They're the whole property of Dick Wolf, Derek Haas and NBC. Everything else belongs to my imagination.
Time had passed since Lindsay asked to be a part of the police forces. She had been working relentlessly for precisely two years to get to her purpose. Jay had learnt her how to read and write. She had the basis. He only had to push her in the right direction. Lisel Meminger had learnt how to read with The guide of the grave digger, Erin had learnt with Through The Storm, Jay's favorite book. She would never have thought to a better story to learn. She saw herself in the author's words. Her will to discover the end of the book had made her improve really quickly. Jay had been particularly proud of her. He never stopped supporting her and lifting her spirits when she failed. He had believed – and still does – in her like nobody ever does. Without him, she would never have been able to move on with her life. He didn't ask for anything as compensation and that bothered her. She would have liked to return him the favor but wasn't able to. One day, she'd find a way and he wouldn't be able to refuse. Meanwhile, she kept on relying on him, trusting him absolutely.
In addition to her school education, he had to learn how to handle something new : her mother. When she learnt that her daughter's life had changed, Bunny suddenly found an interest in it. She did some researches and found Erin's new address. One day, while Erin was alone, Bunny burst in the flat and imposed. She went around and nosed about everywhere. Erin couldn't say anything. Bunny didn't find anything, nothing to judge. The flat almost seemed unreal to her eyes, too perfect for her. Then, Bunny lashed out on Erin. She put her down and mocked her sayong she didn't deserve all of this, that she'd better go back to the streets. Bunny was angry with her for leaving when she was younger and wanted her to make her pay by ruining her chances to get a bette life. Still weak after her assult, Erin broke down. Her mother took advantage of her vulnerability to break her. She wormed herself in the gap and enlarged it causing a lot of troubles. Lindsay fell apart and Bunny laid a hand on her. She didn't go further. Jay prevented her from doing so.
He had been particularly furious that day. If Bunny had been a suspect in a case, he probably wouldn't have hesitated to get his gun out of holster to point it on her head. Instead of this, he simply kicked her out theatening her to come to blows if she decided to come back in his flat or to lay a hand on Erin. Bunny only found as a repartee insults and bravado but Jay's dirty look was enough for dissuading her from acting stupidly. She cleared off, cursing him. Jay made sure she was gone before closing the door and going straight to Erin. He took her in his arms and reassured her on the fact that it would never happen again, that he would make sure of that. It look a long time for Erin to convince herself he would stick to his words and that Bunny would never come back to destroy her. For months, she expected her mother to come to the flat or to catch her in the street. Jay often stayed awake at night so he could intervene everytime a nightmare came to haunt her. He never knew the story behind this fear and the digust of her mother until Erin did an stress attack important enough to force Jay to take her to the doctor.
She had given in and accepted to talk to a specialist, only if Jay was there for the interviews. It bothered it on the moment but he couldn't refuse. If it was her only will to make her free from her demons, he didn't see any inconvenience. That's how he discovered little by little the real life of Erin Lindsay. There was a lot to say, to interpret. Progressively, he saw her being open, become more blooming, less fearful. He had kept on educate her, scholastically. She learnt fast. To read, to write, to count, to express herself, even to think by herself, he learnt her everything. A new Erin was being created over the weeks. When he felt she was ready, he had asked her if she wanted to take some self-defense lessons with him. To convince her, he had explained her that he would be an additional to her therapy, that she could unwind while learning how to defend herself against the danger of the streets. A part of him still saw her like a damsel in distress he needed to protect. He was struggling against that thought by making her an independant person. She really felt like she was evolving.
The only thing she refused to give in to the independance was the flat. Despite her words when she arrived, she didn't want to move and wanted to keep on living with Jay. She didn't tell him anything. While he was working, she called the owner of the flat and asked for a contract so she could officially be a roomate. She had to use her persuasion skills to get it. As if the luck was with her, she got her contract and a job on the same day. She didn't say anything to Jay at night. He had discovered it on the next morning. When he got over the surprise, he was very proud of her. The job was only for three months but it didn't matter. It was only until she was admitted in the police forces. If she was admitted in. Even if she was hard working for it, she was still doubting. She was talking to Jay about it – she was afraid that he won't understand – and was thinking about a safety plan. But she couldn't find any. She spent her whole life in the streets. She had only known that life of debauchery and of despair. She never dared to dream of a better life. Why would she ?
Today, she had all the cards in her hand to changer her life and she had no idea of what she could do with it. She was placing it like she could to build a castle that would be strong enough to last. Everytime she had the same result. She had no card in her sleeve. If she failed, she would be again without purpose, without a future. She wouldn't be able to handle it and that's why she was so involved in that project. She refused to fail. She had to success no matter what. Jay didn't see the doubts she had. He only saw her will to success. He added his support. Sometimes he was himself doubting. Was he overdoing ? Was he puting her under too much pressure ? Was she afraid if the failure because he was pushing her too hard ? A new failure would make her go back to her old life. It would destroy her, he felt it. However, what Erin was afraid of more than failure, was Jay's disappointement. He was so involved in the new life she was creating that she didn't want to disappoint him by failing. She wanted to make him proud. She wanted to success.
And consequently she passed her exam and succeded hands down. She never felt so eased than the day she received the letter with her results. She had greatly thanked Sergeant Platt who helped her in the preparation of her exams with Jay. The latter trained her physically while the sergeant made her work on the theory part. Her physical and mental abilities were perfct for service. Her criminal record had been personally sealed by Hank Voight. No one could read it. She was starting all over again. Sergeant Platt was the one who gave her the keys to her new future by giving her her uniform and her badge. The same day she was given a locker and a team-mate. Officer Erin Lindsay was put under sergeant Platt's orders but she knew that her progression was under the watch of sergeant Hank Voight. Have him on her back was as unpleasant as before but a part of me was starting to accept him, to like him. The other part wanted to impress him, to prove him that she could be the person she promised herself to be.
She never relaxed in her efforts. She accepted the missions and answered present everytime she got called. She was surprised to see that her colleagues liked her a lot. She didn't do anything in particular though. She was even thinking that they would hate her because of her relationship with the sergeants and Halstead but nothing like this happened. They welcomed her in their big family and she was feeling like she belonged there. For the first time in her life, she was feeling like she belonged to a real family. And it felt good. She loved going on patrol with her team-mate. Both of them got on well and formed and extraordinary duo. Officer Alonzo Ramirez covered her like she was covering him. Nothing seemed to ever shake him. He was as solid as a rock and understanding. She could trust him and rely on him. He had a very particular humor and was always repeating the french sentence « Allons-y Alonzo ! » It always intrigued her until he explained her where it was from. She finally got the thing and they found it funny. Nobody understood that joke. That was their thing. Every duo had theirs. That was part of their alchemy.
But sometimes that alchemy was put to the test. That was proven. Every duo bore difficult moments, a case that marked their memory and/or their body. In a year of service, Erin never had particularly traumatic cases. She'd already seen shocking scenes of course but never enough shocking to traumatize her. She'd seen a lot worse in her early years and in her career of prostitute. She needed a big thing to really be reached the horrors of life. Alonzo also had a strong stomach and wasn't downhearted so easily. At least, to all appearances. They always talked about the good moments when they gathered to Molly's. They often talked with other patrol officers and they shared the weirdest moments they'd met in their career. They could go on for hours. Erin remembered the weird moments she'd met. She always smiled when she thought about it. Those weren't the best memories she kept from her patrols. Her best memories were those of her good actions, of the families and lonely and lost people she had helped. The smile she saw on their faces was her reward. Until now, no traumatic event had happened to her duo but that wasn't going to last.
— Police ! Stop !
They had been called an armed robbery. The culprits had left soon as they heard the sirens. A high-speed chase had happened accross the city. When they crashed their car, the criminals split up and went on foot. Officer kept on chasing them, running. Just like her colleagues, Erin was running after a suspect. The latter were a few feet in front of her. She could lose him any time if the distance dug a little more. She sped up so that wouldn't happen. The robber seemed surprised of her endurance, chose to try to lose her in a labyrinth of streets and ended up in a dead end. He was stuck. Lindsay quickly met up with him. He couldn't run away. When he saw the uniform, he had the reflex to pull out his gun and to point it on the officer that was facing him. Lindsay immediatly pulled hers out to protect herself and they looked up and down each other. One wanted his freedom, the other wanted to catch him. The criminal noticed that Lindsay didn't have a thriving experience of this situation and planned on playing on it. He watched before acting while she was trying persuade him to drop his weapon and to turn himself in. She wasn't even doubting.
— You won't fire.
— You can't know.
— You, cops, are trained to catch, not to kill.
— I wasn't always a cop.
The answer perturbed the young guy that was facing Lindsay. He wasn't expecting such a provocative answer, as far as what a trained cop could say. He didn't show anything and kept on attacking to break the calm concentration she was showing.
— What does this change ? You are one now.
— Does it matter ?
— I can bump you off without leaving any proof. You'll always leave one.
— You seem really sure of yourself.
— Who say that I won't fire ?
— Well, you're young. Of course, you've been raised in one of the hot quarters of the town but you've never taken any part in all that violence. You don't even understand it. You hang out with your gang only for appearance but no one knows who you really are. You let yourself be dragged by your buddies for this robbery. You never used a gun but you play the game not to be a fool and a coward. If you droppe dit now, I can have an agreement.
— Shut up ! You know nothing about me !
— You want to be a profiler, don't you ? That way to look at me, to examine me, to try knowing what my next move will be. I can help you get through, find a school and…
— Shut the fuck up !
That sudden anger replaced arrogance and proved Erin she was right. Though it was inadvisable, she started to lower her gun. Seeing that trustful move, the young man hesitated and did the same. The situation was almost solved. Almost. A car parked behind Erin. The kid was surprised then his anger came back as if he felt betrayed. He raised his gun again and fired two bullets towards Erin who, in a mechanism of defense, raised her own arm and fire a bullet. Her name was shouted. A second fire resounded when her gun touched the ground right after she dropped it. Her name went accross the air followed by the dull sound of a body falling. Alonzo appeared in Lindsay's sight but she didn't even notice him. Her whole spirit seemed to have teleported in another space-time. He was talking to her but she didn't understand anything. She didn't even feel the hands he had on her shoulders. Nothing was reaching her and Alonzo was worried. Worse, he was feeling guilty. Erin seemed like she was fully in control before he came. The guy fired when he saw him arrived and she had to respond. Consequences of that move would have an impact on her career without a doubt. There were things we don't easily forget, like the first time we kill.
Lindsay didn't remember a lot of things after that firing actually. Things appeared like flashes, a logical following of frozen images. While her conscience was telling her to run, she stayed motionless, mute, just like a statue. One minute, she was facing her cirminal. The next, she was at the back of an emergency truck while somebody was treated a wound she didn't even know about. Then, she was on the passager side of the patrol car with Alonzo. Finally, she saw herself sit on the bench of the locker room in the district 21. That only was emotionless, feelingless, associated to a deep silence. The firings were still echoing in her mind. Some time has passed between those firings and her present position, she was sure about that but she wouldn't be able to tell how much. She wouldn't even be able to tell how she came back to the district, nor what we said to her during that time. She didn't worried that much. Who would actually care about what she thought during that time ? Except for Jay, no one would find an interest on that adventure. Alonzo too because he was there. She only had done her duty. She was trained like this. Then, why did she feel so bad ?
— Erin, are you listening to me ? asked his colleague.
Non, she didn't hear him and he saw it. He was sitting on the bench in front of her and looked her in the eyes. Her eyes were staring at him without seeing him. Her blurry look was lost to a place he could only guess. He knew too much where she was lost. He'd already seen that when he got into the profession. Erin just lived her first gunfire. She was there and she even participated in the gunfire. She killed a suspect. Not much officers, even very well trained psychologically, took that ordeal without breaking down. Erin was reacting just like many colleagues before her. Alonzo should have known what to say, what to do but didn't say anything. He was also there, he saw what happened. He was a witness and an actor. He had to give his version of the facts for the case that would follow. No mistake was commited but there would be doubts. Nevertheless, the most important now was to get Lindsay out of her catatonic state. It would probably be the most difficult thing to do.
— Ramirez, what the help happened back there ?
Kim Burgess just came into the lockers room. She froze when she saw her colleagues sit there without moving or talking. That's Erin's look which told her the situation. Erin fired, probably in self-defense, but she fired to kill like they usually were trained to do. Unfortunaly, nobody taught them how to deal with the consequences of their acts. Especially psychological consequences. There were the heavier and the most difficult to handle. Luckily, they had really good therapists to help them get over it. Despite everything, some cops couldn't handle it and drop their career for their demons. It rarely happened but the district have seen some. Burgess knew a little part of Lindsay's story, the one which was given as official when she arrived and knew that she would be part of the majority that chose to stay and to fight their demons without letting them win. She didn't think she would be able to drop the career she worked so hard for. That was a new fight in a new life.
— We have to let the sergeant know about it, simply answered Alonzo.
— I'll do it.
A few time after, she came back with sergeant Platt. Just like her officer, she understood the situation by catching Erin's eye. Her face changed completely. She had rumors of what had happened by radio exchanges. She even already called the people who would take care of the case next.
— Leave.
— Sergeant, Burgess wanted to protest.
— What didn't you understand, officer ? Coldy said Platt.
Alonzo got up and took Burgess with him out of the lockers room intimating her not to say anything. It was useless with Platt, unless if you wanted her to be mad at you. They didn't want it to happen. When they left, the sergeant took Alonzo's place. She didn't talk immediatly. Erin didn't move as if nothing had happened under her eyes. She was utterly shocked. Platt had to reach her consciousness. She chose to go tacitly rather than to go directly.
— …
— Do you know detective Dawson, officer Lindsay ? You probaby crossed his way several times. He works in Voight's team. I worked with him when I was still going on the field. It was a rookie back then. However, his nerves were stronger than mine. I learnt later that he alread had lived that when he was younger. His first shock was gone. Despite my years of career, I had never been brought face to face with that ordeal. Then, I found myself in a shootout. I was hurt in a cross firing. I responded and killed the guy who injured me. I didn't realize it before the end of the shootout, when we started to report to the police station.
— …
— I was deeply affected by this move. That was in self-defense though. I couldn't think about anything but what I've done. Before someone saw my click, Antonio took me with him in an emergency truck. He told a first-aider to tale care of my wound and not to talk about it. That's the plague in our job. It happens to everyone but no one wants to admit it, no one wants to talk about it by fierce. Antonio didn't hide his story. He told me it and helped me get through.
— …
— That's how the best relationships between colleagues are made. Some people knows you better than anyone else. My officers have to tell me when this happens but no one really wants to talk to their superior.
— …
— I only know your official story but someone here necessarily knows the story behind the mask, someone who can help you before you see the therapist.
— Halstead, said Lindsay to the tacit question of the sergeant.
Platt obviously seemed to have succeed in reaching her consciousness and bringing her back to the present time. The situation wasn't solved for all that. The first reflex of Lindsay was to bring her knees against her chest and to wrap her arms around it. Her look was still lost in her memories. Platt put a hand on her shoulder. Erin quivered but didn't pull herself out. The sergeant was trying to reassure her but she only could think about she'd done. She couldn't forget the images of the lethal moment when she fired. The gunpowder haunted her nose and her ears were still hearing the fire. That wasn't the first time she used her gun but that was the first time she killed. That weren't paper models anymore but a real life. It changed everything. Would she ever be able to hold a gun again ? What if she couldn't do her job anymore after that ? Would she be able to see her reflection in a mirror now ? To face Jay's disappointment ? Maybe she wasn't meant to do that job. Why would she ask herself so much questions otherwise ?
Jay was sleeping when someone knocked on his door. Last night, they ended a particularly difficult case. The team was exhausted after days and nights of investigation, of researchs, of chases, of interviews. When Jay came back home over four in the morning, he let himself fall on the sofa not to wake Erin up and fell asleep. He didn't hear her left that morning. It had been sleeping that deeply for hours. However, that sleep wasn't without dreams. His dreams were mostly filled with screams, cries, blood and arms' echos mixed with a feeling of suffocation because of the sand storms. That night though, the dream was scarier, more striking because it happened in Chicago and not in the desert anymore and his ennemies weren't islamists anymore but were replaced by Erin. It wasn't him firing. He didn't even see the shooter. He only heard the fire and sew the surprised face of the young woman while a dark red flower appeared on her chest.
Jay woke up with a start because someone was hammering violently on his door. He abruptly stood up and looked for Lindsay. When he realized that he was in his flat, he anchored his ind in the reality and reassured himself. He jumped again when new knocks were given against the door. He got on the alert straight away, pulled out his gun and went silently to the door. He stayed covered and opened it while holding up his gun in the corridor. By looking quickly, he realized that he was aiming his gun at Alonzo. Then, he lowered it and put it back in his holster. He watched Alonzo and saw that he seemed miffed, worried and that he had blood on his hands. Jay felt like his heart just fell in his chest. Alonzo was Erin's team-mate and there was only one reason for him to be here in that state. Jay didn't like this reason at all. He held himself back from grasping the officer and forced him to speak, not to keep that frightening silence. And yet, he kept his sang-froid.
— Ramirez ? Any problem ?
— The sergeant asked me to come and let you know. You have to come with me. Now.
— Lindsay related ?
— You would be able to understand only by yourself.
With these evasive words, Jay chose not to insist, put on his jacket and followed the officer. He took his own car and followed him to the district 21. Ramirez took him straight to the lockers room where they didn't find anyone. The officer looked surprised. He would have known if something happened. Lindsay was her partner after all. She couldn't be that far. The sergeant Platt wouldn't have let her go without supervision. Actually, she should be doing this supervision herself. Following some sputters, Alonzo went to the bathroom and came in with no hesitation. Jay was right behind him. Lindsay was cleaning her face. The sergeant was softly stroking her back while trying to comfort her. Behind Alonzo, Jay froze when he saw the bloody bandage on Lindsay's calf, her creased uniform, her gun's absence and her shaking hands. He immediatly reacted to meet up with her but the sergeant quickly prevented him from doing so. Lindsay was so weak that the least sudden move could make her condition worse. Jay easily understood and went back, letting her superior do.
— There's no shame in feeling bad, Lindsay.
— I shouldn't let this have an impact on me.
— The day this would happen I will dismiss you from your post by myself.
— That's stupid.
— Listen to me, officer. Here, everyone saw and lived horrors without a name. If they weren't upset, they wouldn't be better than all the criminals they bring here everyday. Being upset by what happened in a job like ours makes us human. Humanity is our most precious gift. Your past story makes you the talented offcer you are now. You suffered, you still does and will suffer again. Pain isn't a weakness, it's a strength. Failure is not falling, but staying on the ground. You always have to get up, even when it seems impossible. What happened today will happen again. Outside, it's the law of the jungle. You kill or you get killed. They will never feel guilty.
— He would have feel guilty.
Sergeant Platt sighed while hearing Lindsay's arguments. She had tried to convince her that shed id the right thing but Erin was stubborn and did not change her mind. She maintained that it shouldn't have gone that wrong. The report was clear though. The kid panicked when he saw the uniforms and fired. Erin only fired for self-defense. Even if she knew it, she didn't believe it. The psychiatrist would have some difficulties with her. Fortunaly he knew Lindsay because he worked with her when she was training to become a police officer. Maybe it would be easier. Platt turned to Halstead and pressed a note on his chest.
— Tomorrow morning.
— No problem, sarge.
— I want a complete report as soon as you get out.
— You'll have it.
— Good.
Sergeant Platt left and compelled Alonzo to follow her. Halstead deciphered the note he was given. It was the day and the hour of the appointment with the doctor's phone number. Jay put it in his pocket and got closer to Lindsay.
— Platt thinks that your my knight and that you always come on your white horse to save me.
— What happened Erin ?
Erin wasn't openly looking at Jay. She'd rather stare at the reflection the mirror was given her. Jay was doing the same. He gazed at her reflection and noticed her pallor, her sadness, her digust, her fear. She wasn't telling anything but he could read everything on her face. She couldn't hide anything from him. Before, she never hesitated in talking to him but, today, she kept what she had weighing on her heart. Her hands were now tensed on washstand.
— Does this really matter ?
— You know that it does.
Jay put his hand on Lindsay's and softly presse dit to calm the shiver. Erin looked down and looked their two hands. The contact was hot and comforting. As always, it reassured. Not totally but anyway. Jay followed her eyes. They were close, that wasn't new. Nothing ever happened between us despite the big proximity Lindsay needed at first. As she lived in loneliness, violence and degeneration for a long time, she became like a loner, always suspicious. Jay was the only one she could trust with her life. He never took advantage of her trust. He always did everything to provide for her needs. At first, she slept with him. She often fell asleep in his arms during their cinema or reading evenings. Little by little, she got used to go to sleep alone, knowing he was in the room next to hers. She got her independance back knowing she could rely on him anytime. She always worked to make him proud. She couldn't destroy everything now.
— I can't.
— Erin, you would never get your badge back if you go that way.
A badge I won by cheating. She barely held herself back from saying these words. Jay was for nothing in this. He only wanted to help her. She had no reason to be mean with him. She felt very bad. She closed her eyes.
— That was legitimate.
— I killed a kid. I promised to help him and I killed him…
Her voice broke. A wave of digust overwhelmed her and she was ill a second time. Tears were falling down her cheeks. Jay comforted her, forced her to change and brought her back to the flat. She didn't say anything since her admission. From experience, Jay knew that a part of them died when they pulled the trigger. Somehow, he felt that the dream he had earlier was a message. His subconscious let him know that something was wrong with Lindsay. He better understood now. She didn't let him out of her sight. He was becoming again her rock on which she could lean on. As she still felt off-color, she didn't want to eat. To be sure it wasn't something serious, he asked Will, his brother, to come over. He told Jay that it ws nothing but the after-effects of the shock she was under. He made the most of the opportunity to check her calf. The wound wasn't much deep and was clear. Will only put a clean bandage on it. Lindsay refused to take painkillers. She stayed laid on the sofa, still, while Will and Jay were talking.
She had fallen asleep. Her sleep was full of nightmares. Jay was there everytime to comfort her and help her going back to sleep. The next day, he went with her to the psychiatrist and stayed, as always, for the interview. Erin had never hid anything from him. As it was the only condition she gave to talk, Jay had that special position that allowed him to be there everytime she had an appointment. There were a lot of appointment before and Lindsay needed several weeks oftherapy before being officially suitable for work. She was highly surprised. During that time, Jay had learnt her that the kid he shot wasn't dead. He was within a har's breadth of death. He had struggled to stay alive. The blood loss had put him into a coma. Lindsay was greatly eased when she learnt that and paid him a visit everyday soon as her name was completely clear. The doctor didn't know if the kid would wake up to the great displeasure of the mother whose Erin put up with her criticisms without a word. That day, while she got her gun of service back, she learnt that the kid woke up and went straight to his bedside.
— O-Officer ? he stammered. You came to arrest me ?
At least, he didn't forget her. He looked consed and weak. Her wound wasn't totally healed yet. He had been lucky. Now, he was out of danger. Lindsay sadly smiled at him and asked Jay, who was with her, to leave. She would meet up with him as soon as she'd be over here. He noded, greeted the patient and gave Erin a heavy look so she knew he would be around there if she needed something and shut the door behind him.
— No. The case is closed. Your innocence has been proved.
— But…
— Actually, I came to apologize.
— It's not yours to do so. It's mine. I fired and I souldn't have done so. You fired to protect yourself.
— …
— We become aware of a lot of things when we're dying. You were right. I was led to do this. I didn't want to lose face. I knew them since forever.
— People change in such a little time.
— Is that talk from experience ?
— I also fell in a downward spiral when I was young. Detective Halstead, who was there sooner, helped me get through. He's only probably the only person I trust.
— It's really possible to get through them ?
— You only need to want it.
— Do you think… Do you think it's still possible for me to… you know…
— To become a profiler ? Yeah. I meant what I said that day.
— Can you help me ?
— M-Me ?
— I trust you.
Erin stayed dumbstruck. She almost killed him and he responded to that by trusting her. She couldn't believe it.
— Why ?
— You're the only who tried to help me instead of letting me in my downward spiral. I knew you wouldn't fire if I didn't give you a reason to. You knew I wouldn't fire by choice.
— It was fear.
— I trusted you at that moment.
He was serious. He wanted her to play the part Jay had played for her. Could she really refuse ? She promised to help that kid. She had to.
— Okay.
— Okay ?
— We worked with agent Hotchner from the Behaviour Analysis Unit based in Quantico not long ago. I'm gonna contact him to get some informations.
— Hotchner ? He's a legend !
Lindsay searched in her pockets and pulled out a calling card with her phone number. She gave it to the kid as a sign of her promise. She wouldn't let him down.
— That's my phone number. Call me if you need help for something. I'll take care of the call to agent Hotchner. Now, get some rest.
The only thing he could do was to thank her. He was happy. Erin admitted she was too. She entered the police for that reason, not to kill on sight. She was going to left when the kid said something to her that made her ponder.
— Officer, you should tell him. Your colleague. You'll feel better.
She was thinking about it when she met up with Jay in front of the coffee machines. The kid felt that she was wearing a burden. He would really be a good profiler.
— So ? Asked Jay with a smile.
— Jay, I have to tell you something.
— I'm listening to you.
— I… I didn't want to tell you because… I don't want to disappoint you and that…
— Erin.
— Since… Since it happened, I couldn't… I couldn't go to the shooting range, or touch a gun. Just to think about it my hands are shaking, I get worried and…
— That's normal, said Jay while putting a hand on her shoulder.
— Normal ?
— I lived that. Do you know what my boss did ?
— Nope.
— He took me to the shooting range and kicked everyone out of the place. Then, when there were just the two of us, he locked all the doors and foorced me to fire until I conquer my fear.
— What a barbaric method.
— But it worked.
— I…
— I won't force you but I want you to come with me and to try.
— Okay, she sighed.
Together, they went out the hospital and went to the shooting range where the officers were always training. Nobody was there. At first, Erin only watched Jay then, she wanted to conquer her fear. She wasn't able to fire, her imagination was constantly replacing the paper model with a real person. She closed her eyes to focus and calm down. When she felt ready, she fired twice. Her hands were shaking so hard she missed the target. The despondence engulfed her when she felt Halstead settle himself on her position and place his hands on hers. He forced her to fire several time. Feeling so close to him in that public place was embarrassing her a little but she felt her self-confidence coming back. Jay left when he felt like she didn't need him anymore and let her empty her cartridge clip. Then, he asked her to stop. The fear would still be there for some time but she did the bigger part. Now, she could really get back into the service.
— You were faster than me to get the thing.
— Jay, I…
— I know.
I hugged her to congratulate her and whispered in her ear that he was proud of her and of her path. She was very moved by his words. He was really extraordinary and, since he knew, she didn't need to hide it anymore…
I don't think I'll write another part to this story. Except if I have a new idea. For now, they won't have me on their back anytime soon.