A/N: I've had this one tucked away for a while and been working on it. It might seem a bit unrealistic to some, but there's enough backstory, detail, and quirks from the show that I can see it. Please be gentle with me on this one because it's very close to home. There's a second and third part that I'm already working on. I don't know how much further I will go with it. This is a bit rough, but I wanted to post it while I was being mopey because I'd hide it away otherwise.

XOXOXO

It wasn't often that Red got a break during the dinner rush to seek out the family. It was by far the busiest meal. She'd managed to get away, but had failed to find the target of her quest. No one seemed to know where Nicky was. Red was disappointed, but not worried. Nicky knew how to take care of herself.

After eating a quick bite, she headed back into the kitchen to deal with the rest of the evening's chores. She hadn't noticed Norma sneak off, but her friend was back. With a worried look and frantic writing, she explained that Nicky was in their bunk and Red should go.

Without hesitation, Red hurried towards the dorms.

"Hey Red, what about dessert?" Boo called after her.

"Not now…"

"Nicky?" Red questioned cautiously. She didn't step into the small space right away. She wanted to get a feel for what was going on. Nicky was sitting in the corner on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, rocking herself. She had her head tilted against the wall and eyes tightly shut.

Shaking her head, Nicky tried to ignore Red. She didn't want to be around anyone. There was too much else going on. She could feel Red's eyes on her, unmoving and far from giving up. Opening her own, she tried unsuccessfully to make eye contact. She just hoped that Red could see that she wanted her to go away.

Stepping inside the cube, Red cautiously approached. "Nicky," she said gently-it wasn't a question or a greeting, just a confirmation of presence. She shoved her own questions aside, which was no small feat, and tried to figure out what she could do to help. Pulling Norma's chair over, she sat down close to the younger woman.

When Red made no demands on her, Nicky nodded her consent for Red to stay. She wanted to be alone, but she didn't have it in her to fight Red off. The best she could hope for was for Red to keep acting like she was and Nicky could just ignore her.

"What do you need Nicky?" Red asked, voice gruff and harsher sounding than she meant. It took everything in her not to scoop Nicky up in her arms.

Sighing, Nicky looked up at her and stopped rocking for a moment. "Time," she said quietly, praying that Red would understand. "I just need a little while to get past this." It was a lot for her to admit, her normal go to was to just push everyone away until she felt better.

"Did someone hurt you?" The older woman asked, acid vengeance spewing with each word. She hadn't seen Nicky like this before and she was at a loss for answers. What had happened? She tentatively reached down and placed a hand on Nicky's head. When the younger woman grabbed her hand, she thought for sure she was going to push her away, but Nicky only brought it down to her lips and then against her cheek.

"No one hurt me Ma. It's just me," she hesitated trying to figure out how to explain it.

It was a start, but it wasn't enough. Red needed to know more. "Tell me," Red growled.

Nicky shook her head no, but the words left her lips anyways. "Someone said something- it wasn't even anything bad-but that never seems to matter. I just got upset and couldn't snap out of it." It wasn't a very good explanation and barely answered anything at all, but it was a start.

Red rubbed her thumb against Nicky's cheek, wiping tears away as she did. "Okay. Do you want to tell me what was said?"

"Not important," Nicky answered, a sad smile gracing her lips. She looked tired. No. Not tired, she looked weary and a little bit broken down.

"If it upset you it's important to me," Red said gently. She was surprised when Nicky slid closer and laid her head down on her lap. Fingers instantly reacting, Red began to run them through wild locks. "We don't have to talk about it, but I'd like to understand honey."

Nodding, Nicky wrapped an arm around Red's legs and hugged them. "I don't want to talk about what was said, but I can try to explain. It was at lunch, when we were all talking, and um.." Nicky licked her lips as she hesitated on her choice of words.

Red wracked her brain as she replayed the conversation in her mind. She couldn't pinpoint a single thing that would have offended the younger woman. She managed to hold back her questions and gave Nicky the chance to get her thoughts together.

"Something was said. It wasn't about me or at me, but I started to feel like it was my fault-like I had done something wrong. There's not a logical explanation for it that I can easily give you. It just got to me, and I know that it's not my fault, but my emotions don't always catch on as quickly as my brain does." She looked up at Red, trying to see if her words made any sense.

"If it wasn't something… Why would you?" Red shook her head, trying to understand. She reached down and rested a hand back on Nicky's cheek. She didn't miss the small shakes in Nicky's shoulder or the quiet sob she held back, but it didn't seem like a good idea to mention them.

"I dunno. It just happens sometimes. I mean, blaming myself for things isn't exactly a foreign concept. It's just different right now… I'm just upset with myself, and it's really overwhelming. It's not something I can snap out of right away either," she admitted.

Red nodded. "Oh honey," she whispered and cupped Nicky's face. She still didn't understand, but she recognized the helpless tone in her daughter's voice. She would do anything to lessen the weight of whatever it was Nicky was carrying. "Do you want me to sit with you?" she asked, leaning forward and kissing Nicky's forehead.

"Yes please," Nicky said, leaning against Red's lips. "Just for a little while?" She wiped at the tears on her cheeks, knowing that it was futile. Her tears weren't stopping any time soon.

Nodding, Red was unable to find her voice. This was breaking her heart and she felt completely helpless. Nicky lay her head back down and Red sent up a silent thanks to whomever might be listening. She began to play with Nicky's hair once more, knowing that it always brought comfort to her girl.

They sat there for nearly twenty minute before Nicky sat up and smiled at Red gratefully. "Thank you," she said, grabbing one of Red's hands and holding it against her cheek once more. She was still crying, but not in the same manner. She didn't seem upset any longer, but didn't seem like she could make the tears stop either.

Following Nicky's lead, Red brought up her other hand and cupped her face. "You're welcome sweetheart. Anything I can do … always." She brushed hair off Nicky's face and wiped up the last of her tears. "You know that don't you?"

"I do know," Nicky promised. "Bear with me and I'll try to tell you the rest. They called me into medical last week. I talked to the doctor and he decided, even though I told him it was a bad idea, to cut back my meds a little."

"What meds? Why? Nicky….?" Red had never realized Nicky was on anything. Surely she would have noticed. Looking down at her daughter she realized that there were still things hidden away-still things Nicky hadn't opened up about.

Shaking her head, Nicky reached up and put a hand on Red's knee. "I'm okay Ma. Focus on that first before you go getting frantic on me."

Red looked down at Nicky, studying her. She was still crying, but she seemed calmer somehow - resolved. "Okay," Red said, nodding slowly. Nicky stood before her and offered her a hand up. Red took it and let the younger woman lead her to the bed.

Biting her lip, Nicky tried to figure out where to start. "I have some problems," Nicky admitted with a dark laugh. "More problems, I guess I should say." She looked down at her lap and her face scrunched up in an attempt to hold back a sob.

Not knowing what else to do, Red put a hand on Nicky's back and rubbed up and down. "You can tell me Nicky," she said quietly. "Anything."

Looking up at her, Nicky's bottom lip wobbled. "I've never told anyone who didn't leave. I don't want to lose you."

Red cupped Nicky's face in both hands desperately. "You're not going to lose me," she said, shaking Nicky's head with each word. "I won't leave." Red tilted her head and her face fell. "Please Nicky…"

"I have some… issues," Nicky said, searching for the right words.

Red chuckled and tugged playfully on a strand of hair. "Who doesn't kid?"

"Not like that," Nicky rushed the words out before she could find some semblance of control. "Marka never believed in them, but they're there."

"What kind of issues honey?" Red asked, not wanting to linger on anything that involved Nicky's biological mother.

"Don't hate me?" Nicky asked.

Her voice sounded small and scared and it broke Red's heart. "I could never hate you sweetheart. Never."

"I'm bipolar (II), which I'm sure you've heard of, but there's more than that. I've got something called Borderline Personality Disorder," Nicky admitted, not meeting Red's eyes.

"Mental health issues," Red said flatly. She stared at Nicky in concern as she processed the information. "That's what the medicine is for?"

Nicky nodded. "I'm not crazy," she said, needing Red to understand.

"Of course not baby," Red said, rushing to get the words out. "Come here." She pulled Nicky against her and kissed her forehead. "I never thought that."

Nicky slipped her arms around Red's waist and buried her face against the older woman's shoulder. "Sometimes things just set me off and it's hard for me to get back out of them. It's like my brain gets trapped in a certain emotion and I can't break free."

"Is there a way I can help?" Red asked, still unsure what the specifics were.

Nicky smiled warmly. "Just be here," she admitted, letting the tears fall freely. "I'll explain more later, but I'm so tired Red," she admitted.

"Tell me what to look for then," Red requested. She might not be able to prevent it from happening or help Nicky, but she could keep an eye on her and be there when she was needed-if she was needed.

Scooting a little closer, Nicky looked up at Red and realized-maybe for the first time-that she had someone on her team. "I get quiet… distant. I usually try to get away from everyone and isolate myself. There's so much going on that I'll find some place quiet. Too much stimulation just makes it worse."

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Red said, squeezing her closer. She hated the idea of her baby going through such ordeals alone all her life. How had that woman ever gotten Nicky in the first place. Her daughter deserved more.

Nicky looked up at her. "Why?"

"You shouldn't have to go through this. If the medicine helps then this is just needless suffering. It's not right." Red felt like she was out for blood already. She would figure this out and take care of it somehow.

Nicky didn't respond, she just turned towards Red slightly and buried her face against her shoulder and neck. A few stray tears fell, but she didn't begin falling apart all over again. "Just don't get scared off, okay? That's all I need right now."

"Never Nicky. I'll never get scared off. You're mine honey, no matter what," Red promised, pulling Nicky close against her. She wasn't surprised when she felt Nicky start to cry again. Bit by bit she was beginning to understand this new side of her daughter. "I love you," she promised, kissing near Nicky's ear as she whispered the words.

It was too much and not enough all at once. Nicky didn't even bother trying to fight off the tears. She was too busy trying to move impossibly closer to the only unconditional love she'd ever known. "Love you too Ma," Nicky said, finding her way into the space between Red's legs.

"Mmm," Red hummed in approval. "Come here. Just rest Nicky. I'll take care of you," Red urged, knowing how exhausted the younger woman must be. She reached for the blanket on the end of the bed and wrapped it around Nicky. She felt Nicky's hand clutch at the front of her shirt and knew she wouldn't be awake for long.

"I'll explain more later," Nicky promised. She just didn't have it in her to go through with that conversation right then.

Red kissed her forehead. "When you're ready I'll be here."

Letting out a heavy sigh, Nicky nuzzled against Red and allowed herself to be fussed over. It was nice to not be in charge-to feel safe with her own emotions. "Can I just stay here for a little while?"

"As long as you want," Red promised. She was already planning out how her conversation with Caputo was going to go. This was unacceptable and he was going to fix this or there would be hell to pay. If he didn't budge, Red figured she might be able to get Piper to contact that journalist who was always looking into Litchfield. Maybe he could stir up some noise.